By turnmyphoneoff

The Phone Call

Today, I got a drunken call from my boyfriend, which consisted of him telling me that he, "does man things like fuck bitches and roll with hoes," and that I've been, "trying to turn him into a half-ass girly man," but, "that shit ain't right." Then he threw up. FML

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Insane parents

Looks like we made it… Oh.

So you had a bad day…

By Bee - United States

Today, I was taking a piss in a port-o-john and thought it would be a good idea to aim at a bee I saw buzzing around. The bee thought it would be a better idea to sting me on the knob. FML

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By Grandmas lost it - United States - Staten Island

Today, I turned around after loading the washing machine to discover my husband's 89-year-old grandmother dropping her pants. She looked at me and said, "I hope you don't mind but when you got to go, you got to go." She then sat down on the toilet and let out a loud, long fart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML

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By Latina - United States - Phoenix

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me he wanted to learn Korean before Spanish. Apparently, being able to sing along to Gangnam Style is more important to him than being able to speak with my family. FML

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By fhe - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I was fixing a leak in the roof. When I was climbing down the ladder, it fell, but I managed to grab the ledge of the roof. The ladder hit my wife's car, then I fell on top of the ladder. My wife came running out to ask what happened to the car. FML

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By Mitch - Puerto Rico - Bayamon

Today, while I was working my shift at the store, my girlfriend appeared and asked to talk to me. Once we were alone, she burst into tears and started sobbing. Turns out someone's dad died in her favorite TV show and she wanted some comfort. FML

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By tinygirl

Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML

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By I quit - United States

Today, MS Word kept crashing with a memory error, so I called tech support. Instead of actually fixing the problem, their tech wasted over an hour of my time defragmenting the hard drive, disabling the anti-virus, and downloading new video card drivers from some shady site, before giving up. FML

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By that'sokay - 12/5/2020 23:00

Deception

Today, I found out the guy I have been sleeping with didn't actually break up with his girlfriend. She just moved for a few weeks during quarantine. They are now living with each other, and I'm alone and confused. FML

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By future burger flipper - United States - Whitewater

Today, my parents blew my entire college fund in their quest to finish building their replica Hobbit house in our back yard. FML

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By Charles Pennington - United States

Today, I found out that my new roommate got kicked out of his old house because he pulled a gun on his old roommates and threatened them. The reason? They nagged him about dishes he left in the sink. Well, only 10 months left on the lease. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a bucket of Twizzlers for our 1 year anniversary because 'he knew I liked them.' He has no idea why I am so upset. FML

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By OH COME ON - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend on the way to the hospital to tell him I needed stitches, after my brother's dog bit me on the breast. His response? "Pics or it didn't happen." FML

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By welptbh - United States - San Pablo

Today, I came out to my parents as trans. They immediately took my remaining college savings, canceled my credit card, and began plotting to abduct me and "wean me of hormones like a heroin addict". FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 01:00

Second time

Today, I woke up with a rash on my face after just getting over a bad cold. I was told by the doctor that it was a staph infection spread by wearing a face mask. The face mask I wore so people wouldn’t catch the cold from me. FML

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By uhoh901 - United States

Today, I just had a phone interview with a college. The lady asked me to spell out my password to a site so she can access my test scores. The password was "dick." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, one of my employees was fired for refusing to do a basic job necessity. After the meeting with HR, he left the office and tried to go back to work. FML

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I bought an iTunes giftcard worth $50. I tried to scratch off the little silver thing covering the code with a pair of scissors. I scratched so much that it's now unreadable. FML

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By Ricky - United States

Today, I was home alone and I started to sing Halo by Beyonce. I was starting to get into it and began singing with more passion until the phone rang. It was my neighbor begging me to please shut the hell up. FML

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By You Wish - United States

Today, I was sitting on my 70 year old grandmothers bed with my older brother. I decided to snoop through the cabinet at the back of her bed, and I pulled out what I naively thought was a strange looking flashlight. When I twisted the bottom of it to see what would happen it started vibrating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ballwin

Today, my wife ate nothing all day due to her morning sickness, but I tried to get her to eat something light, for our baby's sake. I brought her a banana. She yelled at me for being a "pervert" and accused me of just wanting to watch her stick a phallic object in her mouth. FML

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By lakatkat - United States

Today, I found out on facebook that my supposed best friend bought a concert ticket to a show. The concert ticket was the exact same amount as the plane ticket she told me she couldn't afford to come see me. FML

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By Gribby - United States - Branson

Today, I was accused of shooting drugs at work. I was only feeding a baby bird that was tucked into my arm using a medicine syringe. I've been smuggling it to work because it has to eat every 2 hours or it will starve. Now everyone there thinks I'm a hardcore dope fiend. FML

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By rongo12

Today, I was heading to the bathroom when I clearly saw a little boy walking into my bedroom. My wife and I live alone, and I screamed at the top of my lungs, thinking he was a ghost. Turns out my wife collected him from school for a friend, and I just didn't hear them arrive. FML

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By asthmattack - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, I was suffering from an asthma attack, so I grabbed my inhaler and took a puff. This was probably very disturbing for the earwig which had somehow made my puffer its home, as I discovered when it shot into my mouth. FML

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By Wick - United States

Today, I got a speeding ticket while driving to my court date for a prior speeding ticket. FML

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By Syrinth - Canada

Today, I got a call from my grandmother saying she locked her keys in the car and I needed to bring her the spares. After an hour bus ride, involving me missing my stop and getting temporarily lost, I arrived and handed her the keys. I brought the wrong ones. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my little sister figured out how to use the printer. I came home to pictures of Nicolas Cage all over my room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I had to take my little brother to the pool. He acted like a brat the whole time, and when I told him we were leaving, he ran away, slipped, and hit his face on the tile floor. He told my dad and step-mom I punched him. They believed him, and I'm grounded for two months. FML

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By LeaveTheGuyAlone - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that my girlfriend hasn't really been "researching" for work on the Internet; she's actually been tweeting the same pathetic plea to a guy from One Direction asking him to "follow" her. She's 29. FML

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By InsertPopcicle - United States

Today, I forgot I left my tampons in a grocery bag packed with food that I put into the fridge. I realized two hours later while frantically looking for a tampon. I'm still cold down there. FML

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By whoops - United States

Today, I was on my way home from work and decided to stop at the grocery store. I purchased $200 in groceries and went to put them in my car. I then realized I drove my motorcycle today. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newton Center

Today, my daughter had a vocabulary assignment. She had to find five new words in books and movies. She was watching Shrek, so her first word was "thong". FML

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By unknown - Philippines

Today, I thought it would be funny to put a few extra spoonfuls of sugar in my co-worker's coffee. He thought it would be funny to throw the boiling hot coffee over my crotch. FML

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By backseatbusted - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate in the backseat of his car, when a police car pulled up behind us. My mom later told me that intimacy was fine, just not in a car. We were in the car because she told me that intimacy was fine, just not in her house. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2020 08:00

All out in the open

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend took some extremely strong painkillers that unfortunately gave him a giddy sense of euphoria. He then stripped naked in his parents' lounge room and yelled, "You've all seen it before!" His really religious parents didn't know this. FML

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By cigarettes - United States

Today, I was having sex when a cigarette craving came on. I don't know what's worse, the fact I asked for a cigarette break in the middle of sex or I last that long. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, while trying to rouse my sleeping boyfriend for some morning sex, he came. FML

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By GonnaLockUpMySpices - United States - San Francisco

Today, my roommate broke into my spice cabinet so he could get high off of my nutmeg. FML

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By abby0019 - France

Today, my new neighbours came over to introduce themselves. I open the door to see my ex-husband, with a horrified look on his face, and his girlfriend. FML

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Top comments

By 123Puppy | 31

#7845927 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 0:38

Why are you with him?

By Phil | 14

#7845934 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 1:26

Just tell him that you're more woman than he can handle, and twice the man he'll ever be.

COMMENTS

By 123Puppy | 31

#7845927 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 0:38

Why are you with him?

Reply

misswilwarin96 | 11

#7845933 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 1:19

Hopefully she isn't anymore. I would've dumped his ass right then.

By Phil | 14

#7845934 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 1:26

Just tell him that you're more woman than he can handle, and twice the man he'll ever be.

By LostSoul | 19

#7845939 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 2:03

leave now! it will only get worse.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7845947 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 3:20

I hope you mean...

...you finish it.

By acmariner99 | 23

#7845948 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 3:40

And then he woke up with a hangover, amnesia, and single.

By TrashlifeKaylala | 12

#7845952 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 4:21

Sounds to me like being with you prevented him from doing something while he was out. Especially if hes out with his friends. Potentially stayed loyal but bitter he couldnt act like a fuck boy. Dump him

By nemcali | 34

#7845975 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 8:01

This shit ain’t right indeed...

By mssileas | 25

#7845985 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 8:32

Release him into the wild then, no losses here.

By slym12312425 | 8

#7846126 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 20:11

sounds like he was a fuck boy to begin with and was getting ragged on by is Idiot Friends while out with them for not cheating on you. plus one for loyalty minus... Well more than one for all of the idiocy that phone call contained. the solution? Dump his ass and find somebody who has enough respect for you to not drunk dial you and disrespect you in that way.

By E2dav | 5

#7846167 - Wednesday 25 September 2019 0:05

Please tell me you haven't and will not speak to him again. You deserve waaay better