By turnmyphoneoff - 24/9/2019 00:01

The Phone Call

Today, I got a drunken call from my boyfriend, which consisted of him telling me that he, "does man things like fuck bitches and roll with hoes," and that I've been, "trying to turn him into a half-ass girly man," but, "that shit ain't right." Then he threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1699

You deserved it

177

Tweet

Share

Work name

British Broadcasting Corporation

You snooze, you lose

By Anonymous - 30/9/2018 12:00

Today, I was hungover and had to run to put the rubbish out for the bin lorry, only I was so hungover I forgot I was only wearing an open dressing gown and no underwear. A few neighbours and passing cars got to see me swinging in the breeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1284

You deserved it

2475

Tweet

Share

By Ravhi Karia - 3/4/2015 13:41 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I went to see my ill granddad in hospital. I saw lots of doctors around his bed, and they pronounced him dead, so I ran out crying. A little later, I found out that my granddad had been moved, and it was a different man in his bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35605

You deserved it

4045

Tweet

Share

By crazyattracts - 31/7/2016 05:53 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my new girlfriend canceled my badly needed haircut appointment. She feels that having my female hairstylist wash and cut my hair involves "too much touching" and "counts as cheating." FML

I agree, your life sucks

18628

You deserved it

1968

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/6/2014 22:44 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for ages. Midway through the meal, he sighed and said, "I'll be honest, this is a horrible date. You got zero personality and I'm too lazy to do a window escape, so..." He then got up and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60733

You deserved it

9892

Tweet

Share

By walkingisfun - 2/7/2017 20:00

Today, the university bike permit that I'd ordered half a year ago finally arrived. Unfortunately, my bike was stolen months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4744

You deserved it

291

Tweet

Share

By everyonehatesme - 2/5/2010 08:37 - Malaysia

Today, I signed in my msn messenger. Everyone in my friends list apparently changed their status to 'busy' or 'away' when they saw me online, including my crush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32982

You deserved it

9315

Tweet

Share

By Buttscratcher - 3/3/2012 16:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I was suffering from a persistant, irritating itch on my butthole. Worried, I took a picture with my iPhone to get an idea of what was causing said itch. I never found the source, but my Mum and grandmother did, on the iPad. Thanks, Photo Stream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14820

You deserved it

31672

Tweet

Share

By Cooper491 - 15/9/2011 21:22 - Australia

Today, I was at a bar with my friend, when I noticed a young lad at a table near to us. I thought it'd be funny to jeer and flick peanuts at him. I went to the restroom, only to come back to my friend face-down on the floor. Turns out the guy fucked him up instead, and now he won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7206

You deserved it

60577

Tweet

Share

By in_hardik - 11/6/2012 01:14 - United States

Today, at my workplace, I saw a system crashing. I mean literally, my manager was throwing my colleague's laptop at him while shouting around the office. This is only my second day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24946

You deserved it

1802

Tweet

Share

By NathanA - 8/7/2013 23:54 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was verbally abused by a customer because her entrée was too fishy. I'm not the chef, just the waiter and I work at a fish grill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45185

You deserved it

2830

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 31/5/2020 05:00

Father of the year

Today, I realised that anyone who claims they enjoyed spending quality time together with their spouse and children during quarantine is a liar, a big fat liar. I know my kids aren’t even 10 yet, but god, I can’t wait for them to get houses of their own and move the fuck out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

719

You deserved it

1756

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/12/2011 07:00 - United States

Today, I turned 21. It's also the day I learned how it feels to have my foot and leg set on fire by a drunken idiot who thought it was a great idea to splash lighter fluid into an open-pit bonfire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27546

You deserved it

2701

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/6/2016 20:06 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I declared I was done with online dating after several disasters. My friend set me up with a friend of her husband's. Turns out he's one of the men who rejected me on the website. He laughed when he saw me and said, "Well, this is awkward" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14472

You deserved it

957

Tweet

Share

By Stevie - 17/12/2016 03:15 - United States - Southfield

Today, I kindly explained to a client that she had calculated her CD interest wrong. She kindly responded that, as a nurse, she would never give me medical treatment if I was involved in a car accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7419

You deserved it

542

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/2/2013 13:56 - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, while at work, my ex-boyfriend came in. I pretended not to see him, hoping he would just pass on by. No such luck. He stopped to tell me that he was there for orientation. My company hired him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34907

You deserved it

3214

Tweet

Share

By Ugh - 22/8/2017 23:15

Today, I got a job offer and was asked to come in at 5am for training. I sat there for about 2 hours before giving up. I was at the wrong site. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2149

You deserved it

2790

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/8/2013 20:13 - Germany - Koblenz

Today, after an argument with my wife, I stormed out of our bedroom through the sliding doors to the balcony. Only there was no balcony, because it still hasn't been replaced yet. I'm now laid-up in hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43014

You deserved it

16844

Tweet

Share

By notsosmart - 6/3/2011 11:28 - Australia

Today, my son broke a window at school playing football. Not only did he break one, he broke the other window next to it. His excuse? He tried making it look like a bird flew in one way and flew out the other. I have to pay $800 to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37159

You deserved it

4478

Tweet

Share

By Noname - 8/3/2009 04:28 - United States

Today, I opened my birthday present from my grandfather. It was a map of the USA color coded by regional percentage of available men. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60568

You deserved it

4458

Tweet

Share

By AccidentalToiletSpy - 21/8/2018 20:30

Today, in the bathroom at work, I heard two co-workers enter and begin a very private discussion. Not wanting to embarrass either of them, I figured I'd sit quietly until they left. Big mistake. They talked for an hour and a half. I couldn't feel my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2502

You deserved it

827

Tweet

Share

By jack s.b. - 14/11/2013 22:15 - United States - Austin

Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I jack off "real weird." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51852

You deserved it

16349

Tweet

Share

By Livingthedream - 12/8/2018 06:00

Today, I got home from a long day of work and saw a pile of dog puke on the kitchen floor. I went to get paper towels and found a pile of dog shit. With my foot. Both of my kids were home all day and left the piles for me to clean because "that's gross". FML

I agree, your life sucks

2820

You deserved it

428

Tweet

Share

By zinka - 25/7/2009 22:17 - United States

Today, I took the bus to Boston. My bike is in Boston. My bike lock is in Boston. The key is in New York. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16839

You deserved it

37952

Tweet

Share

By Jeathrow - 16/2/2012 15:01 - United States

Today, after recently moving to an apartment, we've already been asked if we wanted to buy drugs, had a children's chair thrown through the front window, our door painted with "CUNT LICKER" and my laundry stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36064

You deserved it

3981

Tweet

Share

By Earthboundb - 23/3/2009 06:51 - United States

Today, I just got back from a Civil War Reenactment in Virginia, my first big event in years. I spent over $200 on gas and food, and had to drive for over 10 hours both ways from Massachusetts. When I finally got there I realized, I had left my uniform at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28122

You deserved it

61353

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/2/2013 04:30 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my white girlfriend that dating me doesn't give her the right to call my mother the n-word. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45442

You deserved it

9156

Tweet

Share

By OutOfWork.OutOfTime - 28/10/2015 01:34 - United States - Cookeville

Today, I had my first job interview since graduating from university. The person who interviewed me informed me that not using my degree after two years practically makes it null and void. I guess instead of being a financial advisor at the company, I could always be a janitor there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22562

You deserved it

1824

Tweet

Share

By EpicMayonnaise - 26/8/2011 07:35 - United States

Today, I went to a club. The only guy who asked me to dance introduced himself as "Bird Dog." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28302

You deserved it

3643

Tweet

Share

By PISSED OFF - 17/5/2015 13:09 - Australia

Today, I bought an expensive video game and decided to show it off and post a photo of it on Instagram. When I got home to play it, it rejected my activation key. I then realised it was showing in the Instagram post. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13742

You deserved it

47482

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/3/2012 02:04 - United States

Today, my grandparents visited. My grandpa kept getting off the couch and walking around to "stretch his legs." He kept kicking out my computer's network cable and messing up my game, smirking each time he did it. When I complained, my mom told me to shut up and show some respect. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17384

You deserved it

28181

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/3/2020 18:00

Our house, was a very very very nice house

Today, my house caught on fire. After it was put out, I realized the damage wasn't bad, mainly smoke damage. I went to my parents' for the night because my house smelled. While there, I received a phone call from my neighbor. Apparently, my house caught fire again. It's now a pile of ashes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1964

You deserved it

157

Tweet

Share

By Venus - 26/4/2019 20:00

Today, despite the fact that I live with my parents and pay rent, my mom decided the best spot for my brother, his wife and one-year-old son was my bedroom. So I'm sleeping on the couch, because it would, "take too long to clean her room." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1980

You deserved it

243

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 21/5/2010 17:26 - United States

Today, I swerved to avoid running over a dead cat in the road. Instead, I ran over its head. The crack of its skull was loud enough for me to hear it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42244

You deserved it

8428

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/9/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, while working in my pharmacy, a patient told me that he sometimes wants to jump the counter and skin me alive. He has no more refills, and his doctor is out of town for the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32301

You deserved it

2091

Tweet

Share

By Jason199615 - 17/4/2012 18:11 - United States - Marshfield

Today, I was looking through my Internet browsing history. Apparently my wife had searched "How to have an affair without getting caught". FML

I agree, your life sucks

41213

You deserved it

2699

Tweet

Share

By My Life Is Just PERFECT - 30/3/2013 15:29 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up for me. It was going pretty good, then he said he was going to go out to smoke. 10 minutes went by and he still hadn't come back. I called my friend and she said he doesn't smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41839

You deserved it

4062

Tweet

Share

By AmPatt - 26/12/2016 16:06 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, despite driving extremely slowly and cautiously, we slid off the road due to ice and snow. The car hit a rock and the airbags deployed. We were in my 3-month-old car because the engine in my husband's truck blew last week. Merry Christmas to us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8623

You deserved it

768

Tweet

Share

By Liz0352 - 8/11/2018 04:30 - United States - Bainbridge Island

Today, my youngest son's teacher surprised me with a box of diapers. Apparently my son told her I was pregnant, but I'm not. I had to explain to her I'm just fat. She apologized and felt awful, and told me to keep the diapers. My children are 5 and 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2821

You deserved it

257

Tweet

Share

By familydisaster - 5/8/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job at a local family-ran restaurant. The Reason? The owner's daughter has been stealing money from the register little by little and has blamed me for all the lost money. The boss is still convinced it's me, though, because his daughter would "never tell a lie". FML

I agree, your life sucks

52324

You deserved it

2497

Tweet

Share

By Bunni - 22/10/2009 22:22 - Australia

Today, I was tinting my own eyelashes when I missed my eyelashes and stabbed myself in the eye with the applicator loaded with dye. Now, I have beautiful lush black eyelashes, to match my half closed swollen red left eye. Sexy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14778

You deserved it

29987

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By 123Puppy | 27

#7845927 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 0:38

Why are you with him?

By Phil | 14

#7845934 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 1:26

Just tell him that you're more woman than he can handle, and twice the man he'll ever be.

Comments

By 123Puppy | 27

#7845927 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 0:38

Why are you with him?

Reply

misswilwarin96 | 11

#7845933 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 1:19

Hopefully she isn't anymore. I would've dumped his ass right then.

By Phil | 14

#7845934 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 1:26

Just tell him that you're more woman than he can handle, and twice the man he'll ever be.

By LostSoul | 19

#7845939 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 2:03

leave now! it will only get worse.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7845947 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 3:20

I hope you mean...

...you finish it.

By acmariner99 | 23

#7845948 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 3:40

And then he woke up with a hangover, amnesia, and single.

By TrashlifeKaylala | 12

#7845952 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 4:21

Sounds to me like being with you prevented him from doing something while he was out. Especially if hes out with his friends. Potentially stayed loyal but bitter he couldnt act like a fuck boy. Dump him

By nemcali | 33

#7845975 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 8:01

This shit ain’t right indeed...

By mssileas | 25

#7845985 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 8:32

Release him into the wild then, no losses here.

By slym12312425 | 8

#7846126 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 20:11

sounds like he was a fuck boy to begin with and was getting ragged on by is Idiot Friends while out with them for not cheating on you. plus one for loyalty minus... Well more than one for all of the idiocy that phone call contained. the solution? Dump his ass and find somebody who has enough respect for you to not drunk dial you and disrespect you in that way.

By E2dav | 5

#7846167 - Wednesday 25 September 2019 0:05

Please tell me you haven't and will not speak to him again. You deserve waaay better