Work: Today, my mother told her friends that I work as a call girl.... - FML

By Anonymous - Luxembourg

Today, my mother told her friends that I work as a call girl. I'm a call center agent. FML

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Season finale

A teenage dream's so hard to beat…

The one with the asshole friend

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ended up gashing my leg rather badly on the corner of a chair, fell to the ground with a very loud thud, and yelled "OH F*CK ME!!". I hobbled to the bathroom making more noise in the process. My neighbor came by and asked if I could "keep my sex noise to a minimum". FML

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By Noname - Australia

Today, I was on a standing on a crowded bus going home after school. A wriggling 5 year old boy and his mum left the seat to get off the bus. Since no one looked keen to sit on the seat, I did, only to find out that it was covered in pee. FML

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By thanksgrandpa - Canada - Concord

Today, an attractive woman sat beside me at the doctor's office. Unfortunately, on my other side was my senile old uncle who can't control his bowels, and after a few uncontrollable farts, she was on the other side of the room. FML

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By Proof-Reader - United States

Nice try

Today, I texted a somewhat overweight girl I wanted to hook up with and asked her "Have you been dating anyone lately?" Unfortunately with predictive text, "dating" came out as "eating". I didn't realize it till after it sent. FML

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By Kristat - United States

Today, because I was the only manager scheduled, I went into work despite feeling sick to my stomach. While sitting down with a customer, I got the urge to throw up and tried to hold it back. Instead I vomited in my mouth, instinctively swallowed and started choking in front of the customer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was suffering from acid reflux. I was told that drinking water laced with baking soda would help. Nope, all it did was create a huge belch that made me vomit all over myself. FML

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By harry - France

Today, my brand new and very expensive laser printer does actually print 10 times faster than my old one. Except there's nothing printed on the paper. Never mind, at least it makes a cool sound. FML

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By maxthomkell - United States

Today, my AP government teacher moved our seats and of course, I was seated next to my ex who has harassed me ever since our breakup. When I asked the teacher after class if I could please have a seat change, she told me I would have to write a 3-page essay on why I made the request. FML

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By What? - United States - Needham

Today, I overheard a conversation between coworkers, during which my name was mentioned, then, "and then I followed her around for a bit, but she didn’t do it again." Everyone laughed. I've no idea what I did that was so funny. FML

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By InsideActress - Canada

Today, the director of the play I'm in decided to explain why we got the parts we did. He said he tried matching our characters to who we actually are. I play a whore who's a transvestite. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silverdale

Today, I went to a restaurant and asked for vegetarian options. They told me, "We have a chicken Caesar salad, will that work?" FML

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By mandy16

Today, I got my wisdom teeth taken out. The two male doctors told me they'd give me anesthesia, but when they did, I could still hear them. I heard them talking about my breasts and how flat they were for a 17 year old. FML

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By emsbuffalo - United States

Today, my mom came home from surgery. Upon arriving home, she flashed a paper in my face and said, "Want to see pictures of my colon?" My eyes are still burning. FML

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By dreefsa - United States

Today, some guy hit my car and then threatened to sue me for "parking my car in such a way that it was impossible not to hit it." My car was in the driveway. FML

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By leez - United States

Today, my roommate has gone home for the weekend. She forgot to turn her alarm clock off. Her door is locked. FML

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By loldick - United States

Today, while my girlfriend was going down on me, she looked up at me and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy!" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Cairns

Wrong place, right time

Today, a co-worker came back from his honeymoon. He passed by my office to say hi, and mentioned, "I heard you're getting married next year?" I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. He's taking his things out of the house as I write this. FML

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By n1a1t1h1a1n1 - United States - San Francisco

Today, on the bus, when I was asking my 6-year-old son what he wanted for Christmas, a stranger came up to us and yelled at him about how Santa Claus is not real, that his "parents are fucking liars" and that he should "never listen to anything one of those fuckers says." FML

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By x_o - Hungary - ?ttev?ny

Today, it was my first day at my new job. I had to break up two fistfights, then leave work early with a black eye. This is not what I had in mind when I applied to work at a retirement home. FML

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By WtfDidIPayYouForThen - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I asked my dermatologist why my acne has been getting worse, despite following her directions and spending hundreds of dollars on medicine. She just shrugged and told me they can't actually cure my acne. However, they can prescribe me a bunch of stuff and hope one works. FML

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By UnexpectedMom - 31/12/2020 02:01

The fertility dance worked

Today, I'm currently 9 months pregnant with my second child within 3 years. I was told by 4 different doctors over the course of the past 5 years that I'm incapable of having kids, due to a medical condition that affects my reproductive system. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a pretty co-worker invited me out for drinks after my shift. I have no money left until payday. Embarrassed, I had to decline and go home alone. FML

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By Katie - United States - Homewood

Today, I received frantic calls and messages from my husband wondering where I was and if I was cheating on him. I was in the same house as him. FML

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By prickly - United States

Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML

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By awwman - United States

Today, my dad found out that there is a free, 24 hour, 7 days a week religious channel. Now that's all he watches. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silverdale

Today, I had to negotiate with my husband so he would bring me toilet paper while I was on the john. His terms? A blowjob. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - West Hoxton

Today my coworker, who I'm secretly in love with, asked me what my plans for the weekend were. I thought she might have been about to ask me out, so I said that I had no plans. She then rolled her eyes and said that she hates talking to, "boring people who shut down every conversation starter." FML

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By AloneAgainNaturally - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I found nudes on my boyfriend's phone. We've been together 14 years. They weren't of me. FML

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By Anon. - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend asked me to play dead so he could have sex with my "corpse." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my mother. She asked me if I was going to make it to Christmas at home. I told her that I would try and make it home since it would be my grandma's last Christmas alive. To my luck, grandma was sitting in the car with my mother, and speaker phone was in use. FML

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By AlienZ - United States

Today, my parents asked if I wanted to go to military school so I said, "Yeah, that would be awesome," thinking it was a joke. They weren't joking. FML

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By Garry - United States

Today, an exchange student was telling us how he once used a black light to detect semen stains on his "abstinent" ex-girlfriend's face. I called him out on the obvious lie, saying it's an old urban legend. He wigged out, screamed that I'm a "bastarding shite-wank" and ran out of class. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montreal

Today, I woke up with an engagement ring on my left hand. The same one I refused last month. My boyfriend apparently waited for me to be drunk to propose again last night, and has already posted the pics on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my mother to check up on her. Lately, she's been having some financial problems, so last week I sent her my last $100 to help her out until her next paycheck. She used the money to euthanize the family dog. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it. FML

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By bad doc

Save Me

Today, I had to repeat myself multiple times and dumb down all my anatomical terms and symptoms while describing my illness to my doctor. I want to switch, but my insurance won’t cover another one for at least 60 more days. FML

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By mumblingdope - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, I decided to have a hot cup of coffee. Then I stumbled on a chair and somehow spilled the hot liquid on my privates. The searing pain worked better to wake me up than the coffee itself. FML

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By abc - Pakistan

Today, I took my friends out to an expensive restaurant for my birthday treat. They had arranged for a surprise birthday cake for me which I cut, very happily, while they chanted birthday wishes. When the bill came, I discovered I was supposed to pay for my great 'surprise' cake. FML

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By Unluckyducky - United States

Today, I received a letter in the mail stating that I had won a trip to Cancun, Mexico. It looked like a scam so I threw it away. I later found out that it was a birthday present from my cousin and the envelope also contained a check for 5 thousand dollars to help cover some expenses. FML

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Top comments

By Swedish_Eagle | 21

#5789380 - Thursday 12 December 2013 7:45

Both jobs suck

By squidgy787 | 22

#5789379 - Thursday 12 December 2013 7:45

Oh come on.... there's only a slight difference there ;-)

Seriously though, explain to your mom what the difference is. I'm sure she'll clear it up right away.

COMMENTS

By ZY1431 | 24

#5789378 - Thursday 12 December 2013 7:45

well I guess its the same thing. ..indirectly.

Reply

naxeeb | 33

#5789391 - Thursday 12 December 2013 7:51

They're not even in the same league! Directly or indirectly.

Reply

ZY1431 | 24

#5789393 - Thursday 12 December 2013 7:55

play of words considering the situation. ..

Reply

SabriLittleRed | 25

#5789399 - Thursday 12 December 2013 8:00

Does she not know the difference between the two??

Reply

IvyOswin | 17

#5789517 - Thursday 12 December 2013 11:39

Call girl or not, at least she's bragging about you to her friends

By squidgy787 | 22

#5789379 - Thursday 12 December 2013 7:45

Oh come on.... there's only a slight difference there ;-)

Seriously though, explain to your mom what the difference is. I'm sure she'll clear it up right away.

Reply

TwistedCherub1 | 15

#5789471 - Thursday 12 December 2013 9:21

The major difference being that a call girl makes way more money. Well, a good one anyway.

By Swedish_Eagle | 21

#5789380 - Thursday 12 December 2013 7:45

Both jobs suck

Reply

drewflav | 17

#5789459 - Thursday 12 December 2013 9:02

One sucks balls, the other sucks up.

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5789464 - Thursday 12 December 2013 9:08

Sucks up the balls?

Reply

mya55 | 11

#5789737 - Thursday 12 December 2013 16:33

Mmm yum

Reply

KK3137 | 31

#5789999 - Thursday 12 December 2013 21:22

Well, technically both suck balls.. Just in very different senses.

By moosetracks22 | 10

#5789381 - Thursday 12 December 2013 7:46

Explain the difference between the two to her. Hopefully she will see the error of her ways.

By breakinlegs | 19

#5789383 - Thursday 12 December 2013 7:47

Do you have a sweet sounding voice?

By hjackson5353 | 3

#5789385 - Thursday 12 December 2013 7:47

hahahahahahaha

By xnyletak | 17

#5789386 - Thursday 12 December 2013 7:48

Eh, close enough.

By naxeeb | 33

#5789388 - Thursday 12 December 2013 7:48

Close enough?
But seriously though, you should explain to her, exactly what you do, OP! Make sure she understands the difference between the two jobs.

By thweakmn | 3

#5789389 - Thursday 12 December 2013 7:50

Hope you corrected her

By LaLince | 40

#5789390 - Thursday 12 December 2013 7:51

I can't honestly say which job is worst.