Miscellaneous: Today, a telemarketer called me and asked if they could speak... - FML

By Anonymous - 15/03/2012 20:08 - Canada

Today, a telemarketer called me and asked if they could speak to my "mommy or daddy". I am 25 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 358

You deserved it 2 774

Good kid

Big boss man

I'm not lovin' it

By Shannon - 19/06/2014 00:58 - United States - Dearborn

Today, a customer called the restaurant I work at to ask if our coupons were always valid, or if they expired on the expiration date printed on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 957

You deserved it 4 990

By horp - 29/09/2015 22:00 - United States - Torrington

Today, I was having lunch and I started throwing crumbs at my friend at the other table. Then I accidentally hit the kid next to him. He got really mad and came over and hit me in the shoulder with a brick. A brick. He just had a brick in his bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 624

You deserved it 9 093

By Anonymous - 28/12/2018 06:00 - United States - Pittsford

Today, my cat jumped on my shoulders, but stepped in my hood and choked me and when I panicked she dug her claws into my shoulders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 087

You deserved it 475

By ahdeadcats - 31/08/2009 07:37 - United States

Today, I got to go back into my house after it had been tented. Suddenly, a foul stench filled my house. My husband checked all around the house and finally checked under the house. There were more than 12 dead stray cats under our house, and guess who was in charge of pulling them out? FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 135

You deserved it 3 745

By DisturbedMan - 15/01/2014 22:29 - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Spicy

Today, as if having to endure the noises of my parents having sex in the next room wasn't painful enough, my mom decided to shout, "Yeah! Like a horse!" I want to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 963

You deserved it 5 912

By Anonymous - 01/08/2015 03:39 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I was on the phone with my senile grandma, when I told her I had to go because I had an appointment at the clinic. For some reason, she assumed I was talking about an abortion clinic, and started raging at me and calling me a murderer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 410

You deserved it 1 904

By alycion - 04/05/2019 12:00

Today, I took my father to a hockey game. He always has to get pictures with the girls, so while in bag check, he used his breath spray. He got me in the eye, and I was temporarily blinded through most of the first period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 641

You deserved it 132

Oh, hello there

By Jon - 18/01/2010 20:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out my little sister was a stripper. At the same time, she found out that when I said I was having a "quiet birthday with some friends," what I really meant was "hiring a stripper to jump out of a cake." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 569

You deserved it 8 824

By Anonymous - 20/01/2016 15:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer filed a complaint against me because my coworker took too long to do a price check. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 133

You deserved it 1 318

By why god - 25/11/2013 06:16 - United States - Huntington Park

Spicy

Today, my parents kicked me out of the house because they were having a party. They gave me twenty bucks to go see a movie. Well, the movie ended pretty quick, but the trauma of seeing my parents in a swingers' orgy will take some time getting over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 818

You deserved it 6 316

By Anonymous - 25/04/2011 22:38 - United States

Today, I was at the bakery I work at. A man came in to pick up a cake he said he ordered, but we could find neither the cake nor the order form. He yelled at me about being 'incompetent' before remembering that he had ordered the cake from a different bakery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 037

You deserved it 2 990

By lk26 - 08/02/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, I went to my car to discover a note on the windshield from the city telling me that they had hit my car. On top of that note was a parking ticket, also from the city. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 515

You deserved it 2 909

By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 21:03 - Australia - Perth

Today, my obsessive stalker of an ex found my girlfriend on Facebook and sent her a message saying just ":)". For some reason I'll never understand, she took this as a sign that I'd just slept with my ex. Now I'm single, and my ex is probably planning her next move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 324

You deserved it 2 787

By tooearly - 01/01/2012 08:31 - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going to a New Year's party. She told me to be back by midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 936

You deserved it 3 360

By Anonymous - 10/06/2009 13:12 - United States

Today, my adorable five and a half year old boy told me that when he grows up he's going to be my boyfriend. I thought it was kinda cute until I asked him why. "Because you need one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 158

You deserved it 7 276

By Anonymous - 01/09/2013 23:55 - United States

Today, while on vacation, I called my home phone to check the messages. Someone answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 081

You deserved it 2 805

Territorial

By Anonymous - 27/09/2011 19:53 - United States

Spicy

Today, a man punched me for sleeping with his wife. Bewildered, I insisted I would never sleep with a married woman, to which he retorted, "She wasn't my wife when it HAPPENED, dumbass!" I was assaulted for sleeping with my own girlfriend three years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 122

You deserved it 4 081

By Robert - 06/04/2018 05:00 - United States - North Pole

Today, my high school speech therapist introduced me to the other autistic kid in school without fully informing either of us. We got into a fist fight because we each thought the other guy was imitating us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 860

You deserved it 669

By Shock - 21/03/2016 20:12 - United States - Littleton

Today, while working for a hospital security company, I had to assist in restraining a male patient while the nurses put a catheter in him. All I will say is that it looked like a worm trying to swallow a straw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 098

You deserved it 1 614

By anyone - 02/09/2010 04:48 - Lebanon

Today, while browsing facebook I found out that today was my school's class reunion. I was the ONLY one not invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 751

You deserved it 4 480

By Anonymous - 28/05/2019 20:10

Today, I found out that the doctors accidentally perforated my left ear drum performing a routine wax syringing. I was at the doctor's for a completely different reason, having crushed my pinky at the gym. They can't fix either and my finger needs surgery, which can't happen until next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 785

You deserved it 108

By Beepbeepbeep - 01/09/2011 02:50 - United States

Today, I lost power. That didn't stop my house alarm from running on battery, loudly informing me in a British accent, "AC power disconnected. BEEP. AC power disconnected. BEEP." It's been going on for 5 hours and the battery takes a special screwdriver to remove. One we don't have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 206

You deserved it 4 326

By dumb dancer - 05/12/2014 01:54 - United States - Saginaw

Today, I injured my knee during dance class. When it started to feel a little bit better, I tried dancing again. I tripped, fell, and broke my wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 602

You deserved it 5 885

By occam's pube-razor - 05/09/2015 04:26 - United States - Buena Vista

Today, I parked my car, went to pay for my spot, and returned to my car only to find a parking violation ticket tucked under the windshield wipers. This all happened in less than a minute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 617

You deserved it 1 980

By Ex-girlfried - 06/09/2009 23:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend's family came over and I thought it would be fun to watch old family videos of when I was a kid. A few minutes into my 5th birthday party, I excused myself and went to grab some snacks for everyone. I returned to realize I had recorded porn over my family videos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 635

You deserved it 68 487

By Nucleus - 08/10/2015 13:48 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I complained about being bored to death on Facebook. Someone took it as a suicide threat and called the police. They showed up at my apartment and my workplace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 193

You deserved it 3 435

No Ragrets

By Rodolfo_el - 17/04/2021 10:59

Today, my wife made me sleep on the couch because I ate the last Magnum Ice Cream bar. Last week, she bitched me out for singing too loud in the shower. I strongly regret leaving my ex-girlfriend of 5 years for this woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 462

You deserved it 1 723

By drunkdial - 06/01/2010 05:53 - France

Today, I realized that the only time my girlfriend ever calls me is when she's drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 286

You deserved it 4 586

By Anonymous - 24/09/2013 05:16

Today, after being stood up at a diner, I called the girl who was supposed to have met me. Turns out, she thought I was kidding when I asked her out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 782

You deserved it 3 251

After shower

By Anonymous - 17/01/2020 20:00

Today, my sister snuck into the bathroom while I was in the shower (the locks broke) and took my clothes and towels. I came out and quickly went to my room. As I went in, my sister was sitting on my bed with two friends watching TV. I instantly covered up, but they saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 615

You deserved it 288

By GuitarNerd - 23/01/2017 22:41 - United States - Denver

Today, my mom told me that I would get to leave school halfway through the day. What she didn't tell me was that the reason I was missing school was to get 2 teeth pulled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 669

You deserved it 725

By NotJessePinkmanFFS - 10/09/2012 06:06 - United States - Norwalk

Today, my 43-year-old brother's obsession with Breaking Bad reached a new level of stupidity when he nearly got us beaten up by a bunch of meth-heads down by our local park. He went up to them with his shaved head and stupid hat, and tried to act all Walter White with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 670

You deserved it 2 261

By vkryss13 - 22/06/2015 19:10 - Guam - Tamuning

Today, I accidentally sat on my sister's imaginary monkey. She then stabbed me with a pencil. I still can't get the piece of graphite out of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 354

You deserved it 2 502

By Nobody - 17/10/2010 17:17 - United States

Today, my best friend was doing my hair. She got frustrated and exclaimed, "It won't stay!" I replied with, "Just like your mom!" It was then that I remembered her mom had just left her dad and moved out of the house to be with someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 162

You deserved it 58 403

By Anonymous - 13/03/2010 19:31 - United States

Today, while at work, a man came in wearing a very elaborate cowboy ensemble and went to talk to one of my coworkers. Once he left, I asked her how she knew a gay cowboy. She then explained that he's actually a farmer and her husband of ten years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 306

You deserved it 38 621

By Bulldogs09 - 01/07/2009 04:41 - France

Today, I finally hooked up with the boy of my dreams at a party. Later, while on aim, I noticed one of his friends away messages was a quote from the guy's screen name, which said "I can't believe what I stick my d... In sometimes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 661

You deserved it 12 430

By RiceSickle - 01/08/2014 02:50 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I received the $30 parking pass that I ordered over 4 weeks ago. My class is only 4 weeks long, and next week is the last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 726

You deserved it 4 054

Footloose

By Imnotfromhere - 16/06/2021 10:59

Today, my neighbor told me to stop pushing the elevator buttons and opening doors with my feet. I bitched him out, because he's been making a huge issue out of it for months. Right after, I realized I forgot my keys inside and he's the only person around that can let me in the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 167

You deserved it 1 667

By bass - 22/09/2009 01:50 - United States

Today, I got a call from a prominent orchestra asking me to play with them. They were especially interested because I'm still in high school. I called to accept only to find out that my mother had already declined the offer for me because I "only" have a 3.7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 388

You deserved it 2 889

By RAHrahRAH - 15/01/2010 02:07 - Canada

Today, I went to my doctor to get my x-ray results. Turns out, I have a fractured spine and a chip of my spine has moved. Now I'm in a neck brace because my dad didn't think it was serious, and told me to "suck it up princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 360

You deserved it 2 372

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:26

Tell him they are busy in their bedroom

Meowingtons500 18

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:28

Next time, use your best Consuela voice. Thats what I always do. Is your mommy there? No, no, I have no money.

Comments

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:26

Do you still live with them? Because that's not to good if you are. If not you must have a squeaky voice :p

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:38

he never said he lived with his parents...

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:44

12- that's exactly why he asked and gave both scenarios.

Guren 0

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:45

Young voice?

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:52

Thpeech impedimenth you futhers (think lithp)

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Friday 16 March 2012 2:26

Say "D-d-daddy is in the front yard, covered in Vaseline acting like a slug. Mom is yelling at midgets, asking where the rest of em are.

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Friday 16 March 2012 2:34

Listen: Economy no bueno so living with parents es bueno.

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Friday 16 March 2012 3:08

Hahaha op didn't list gender cuz its probably a dude and knows he's gonna mean comments.

Bekll 31

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Friday 16 March 2012 3:16

I'm almost 25 and currently living with my parents again. It's common among graduates these days as apartment/house prices are so high. It's hard to live on your own with today's economy as it is.

Incogneterpeter 1

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Friday 16 March 2012 4:40

1 living with you parents for a while is alot more common now adams I know people that are 30 something and still with his parents

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:26

Tell him they are busy in their bedroom

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Friday 16 March 2012 3:12

Don't worry, I heard Theodore died of a brain aneurism.. the chipmunks are hiring!

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Friday 16 March 2012 4:18

One of my friends just says "sorry my dads in prison".

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Friday 16 March 2012 15:50

57 I heard he died from alcohol poisoning but either way Op should take the gig!

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Wednesday 12 December 2012 0:53

Say they're dead:)

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:28

Aww. I am sorry. I hope you get a deeper voice soon. :)

Meowingtons500 18

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:28

Next time, use your best Consuela voice. Thats what I always do. Is your mommy there? No, no, I have no money.

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Friday 16 March 2012 2:12

Let's play 'Are you smarter than a Spanish Maid!?'

Meowingtons500 18

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Friday 16 March 2012 2:12

Meeestar John? Is that you?

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Friday 16 March 2012 2:17

No. No, Meester Jon no home.

Meowingtons500 18

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Friday 16 March 2012 2:22

Typical. I refuse to finance the lemon pledge.

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Friday 16 March 2012 2:33

No, no.m meester batman no hete

Meowingtons500 18

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Friday 16 March 2012 2:38

43- Noo, Meestar Buzz Kill. Just noo.

benhd1 14

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Friday 16 March 2012 19:51

This is brilliant!

detroitsucks247 3

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Saturday 17 March 2012 8:17

Meeester commentors no bueno no bueno just just com comit a sucicide

Taco The Dank 27

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Wednesday 3 August 2016 20:56

Lmao I should try that

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:29

Try not to sound like Minnie Mouse when you answer the phone and that won't happen..

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Friday 16 March 2012 3:53

Wait what? Minnie mouse doesn't sound like a young child, if you ask me though she is kind of a bitch. Yeah I said it come at me Disney. Over voice- Gow_chick was never heard from again, and animated creatures danced and sung on her grave, the end

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Tuesday 20 May 2014 18:17

Why would you say that?

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:30

Use a voice scrambler? They are especially useful for scaring the shit out of people.

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:32

You still haven't hit puberty? It's now or never.

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:40

Never say never.

Meowingtons500 18

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:44

Better late than never:)

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:48

Justin bieber in the future no offense

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:50

I read 14's comment in autotune. Bieber's taking over my life, phrase by phrase.

Meowingtons500 18

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:55

23- thank you! I also did, but was to embarrassed to admit it. Silly Bieber.

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Friday 16 March 2012 10:25

Maybe it's a girl =0. But yeah, i say it's good since you can just tell them they're not home

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:32

Tell them you don't know if they'll want to speak with them but you'll call your parents at their house and find out.

Meowingtons500 18

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:32

Shriek "I'm a fucking orphan! Have some damn respect!!!" Then start hysterically crying.

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:50

Shit that's hilarious

Meowingtons500 18

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:51

I try. ;)

Yerg 0

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Friday 6 April 2012 16:52

I spit my coke outta my mouth when i read this and started laughing so hard i cried. Now i have to clean up cola. Lol mini FML.

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Friday 16 March 2012 1:32

Tell them daddy's at the bar like every night and mommys wrestling the nieghbour in the bedroom

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 6

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 395

You deserved it 49

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 700

You deserved it 202