Intimacy: Today, My mom walked in on me and my 2 year crush about to have...

By Noname - United States

Today, My mom walked in on me and my 2 year crush about to have sex. When she saw us she said "oh I'll just wait outside, I know it wont be long anyway." FML

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Intimacy

Family values

Men and their balls

How? Why? What?

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a plane when I suddenly felt the need to use the toilet. I didn't make it in time and I had to spend the remainder of my trip in soiled clothes. FML

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By Realworldred - United States - Scranton

Today, my sister started a full-time job with a good pay despite having no prior work experience and being a college freshman. Meanwhile, I've graduated with two degrees, have been working two jobs for the last five years, and still can't get a full-time position anywhere. FML

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By guess I'm stuck - United States - Alamo

Today, I was about to break up with my psycho girlfriend. As I sat her down, she told me she wanted to show me something. She then took off her shirt to reveal my name tattooed across her chest. FML

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By Tiana Scott

Today, I left the door open while I went to the bathroom and my 11-month-old crawled in and then took off with my toilet paper. FML

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2266

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By grandson of a p.o.s. - United States - Somers

Today, I attended the reading of my grandfather's will. I didn't expect to receive anything, since his side of the family had always ostracized me for being born out of wedlock. I did get something: $3,500, on the binding condition that I use a portion of it to get a vasectomy. FML

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By wow

Today, my mom confessed that she has to make up compliments to give to prove me wrong when I said she can never say positive things about me. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

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By denting-and-venting - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found a parking spot in front of my work. I parked and another car pulled into the spot just in front of me. The next thing I know, the car in front backs up and slams into my car. Turns out she didn't notice the fire hydrant next to her spot and screamed at me cause I, "stole her spot." FML

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By lifesabitch2016 - United States - Moses Lake

Today, I explained to my dad that I had spent over three hours baking, frosting, and decorating a cake from scratch and how proud I was of it. Without even looking up at me, he replied, "You really need a boyfriend." FML

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By bronieswillrule5eva - Canada - Summerside

Today, I overheard my boss and a co-worker talking about me. Apparently when I speak, I slur my words so badly that it sounds like I'm speaking in tongues. According to my boss, "he could be possessed by a demon right now, and we'd never even notice." FML

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By you+me-clothes=53>< - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend went down on me. I don't know why, but my mind wandered. He now thinks that he has the skills of a porn star, while I'm pretty sure that finally solving a mathematical problem I've been working on for a week caused me to orgasm. FML

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By PanFace - Australia

Today, I had an argument with my wife. I told her to get back in the kitchen. How does she respond? By doing what I told her to do, and returning to hit me with a frying pan. FML

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11094

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By eemp - France

Today, I got sent to detention for saying, "That's what she said" after a girl in my class said, "Push a little harder" while dissecting a frog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was at church singing and my solo came up. As I walked through the crowd, this big woman caught the holy spirit and slapped the crap out of me. It was so hard, my fake tooth came out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went for a run. I ended up being tackled by two cops, handcuffed, and dragged to the station with no explanation. Turns out a house nearby had been robbed and the best description they got was 'A man running'. I didn't even get an apology. FML

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By Greattitan2 - United States - Beaufort

Today, I was working at a fast food restaurant when I cut my hand. There was a good amount of blood flowing out so I ran to my manager and asked where the first aid kit was. He then picked up a washcloth and some tape and handed it to me. FML

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By meagainsttheworld - United States

Today, while filling out some medical forms, I was asked for an emergency contact. I realized I didn't have anyone who would actually care enough to be my contact. FML

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By suicide - United States

Today, I took a big sip of water while on a bus. It went down the wrong pipe, causing me to cough and hack loudly. The old woman sitting across from me asked if I was okay. Jokingly, I said, "Just dying." She replied, "You too, huh?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother took a bunch of sleeping pills, then went driving. I followed her and dialed 911. Now she thinks that I was "trying to get her arrested," and she refuses to talk to me ever again. FML

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By teejayrn - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time. His response was to smile and pat me on the head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Junction

Warrior

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when halfway through, he leaned over to grab his cup of hot coffee off the nightstand. He then attempted to drink it and spilled most of it on me. He never stopped thrusting the whole time, and wanted to continue after. FML

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By upsetandannoyed - United States

Today, my friend set me up with a cute guy who is very germaphobic. So, I spent 4 hours cleaning my apartment. 2 minutes into the date, I sneezed. He politely told me he wasn't feeling well and left. FML

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33891

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little sister filled the huge house I spent over a week building in Minecraft with TNT. She then demanded I give her all the money in my wallet, or she'd blow it all up. She's now $86.25 richer, and my parents think it's too hilarious to make her give me my money back. FML

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By ToysforHire

Today, I found out that my girlfriend secretly purchased a vibrator and has been using it for the past two weeks. When I confronted her, her only argument was "It's made me cum more times than you could." FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try cybersex, because we rarely see each other these days. We only used text. Halfway through, I noticed that she started being more demanding. As it turns out, my girlfriend had left the room and her older brother had walked in and taken over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Homer Glen

Today, my brother asked me how to block someone on Facebook. Seeing as how my brother never asks me for anything, I took this opportunity to help him. He then blocked me. FML

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By Rafiki - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's house, I picked up her cat and held him like he was baby Simba. Apparently he didn't enjoy that, because he managed to somehow leap out of my hands and attach himself to my chest, claws extended. I now have four one-inch-long gashes on my chest. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Davis

Today, I realized that I will be leaving for the US Marine Corps in June, and the presidential election is in November. I could potentially be serving with Trump as my Commander-in-Chief. FML

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By bonbon789 - United States

Today, I wanted to eat my last bowl of sugary cereal before starting my new diet. I fell down the stairs with the full bowl in hand. Message received, universe. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my husband only dated me because I look like what he thought the daughter he had with his first wife might look like when she's grown up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I have a nervous tendency to rub my foot against the bar under the table. After the interview I noticed I had been rubbing my foot against the interviewer's leg. FML

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By AddictiveAddicted - United States - Denver

Today, I found an unfamiliar ring in my purse. Thinking it was fake, I gave it to a little girl. Thanks to my mother, I later found out that the ring was my grandmother's and it was made of gold and had a real ruby. My mother added that my grandmother trusted me to keep it in our family. FML

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By duckthehack - Poland

Today, my 14 year old son got suspended and I had to pay for the damage after he sprayed "FUCK THE POLICE" on the back wall of his school. I'm a policeman. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it's my third day in the hospital. On Monday, my mother grounded me for not going to school because I was “milking” a sore foot. On Wednesday, we finally went to the ER and it turns out I have a very bad infection in my foot. She refuses to come to the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little sister decided the best way to cheat on a test is to take someone else's test, scratch through their name in pencil, and write her name underneath. She starts high school next semester. FML

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By davidh5012 - United States

Today, my dad had his "sixteen years overdue" vasectomy. I'm fifteen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while taking a shower, a spider fell from the ceiling onto my foot. I took down my shower head to wash it down the drain, and in the process, got soap in my eye and rammed my head into the wall. FML

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22576

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By Anonymous

Today, I got home after a night of drinking with my coworker. We hooked up, but he was so drunk he had to use a flashlight to put it in. Then, he ran out of the room to throw up. FML

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By effiestonem154 - United States

Today, the Chinese student I've been teaching English to got on stage in front of hundreds of people to read her final essay. She ended with, "What a fucking day." I don't swear, and I no longer have a job. FML

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By FailMan - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend, when she walked ahead of me cat-walk style, turned around and said, "Do you think I could model?" I blurted out, "Yes... for a plus-size clothing line." FML

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Top comments

By Kiebland | 0

#4875 - Saturday 21 February 2009 15:32

imthedude, Noname is the default.

By imthedude | 0

#4861 - Saturday 21 February 2009 14:31

Noname you sure do post a lot of stuff...either you have a real f***ed up life or you just have nothing better to do than come up with non-existant f***ed up stories....

COMMENTS

By imthedude | 0

#4861 - Saturday 21 February 2009 14:31

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

UnicornPukePink | 0

#2751387 - Friday 24 June 2011 20:30

I hope this was sarcasm...

By Kiebland | 0

#4875 - Saturday 21 February 2009 15:32

imthedude, Noname is the default.

By DudeAbides | 0

#4898 - Saturday 21 February 2009 18:15

i have to call bullshit on this sorry there have been way too many similar FMLs lately besides

By bobdole | 0

#4923 - Saturday 21 February 2009 20:41

Today, three of my friends sent me fmylife links. I already have it bookmarked. FML

trickiestboss | 10

#6084568 - Wednesday 8 October 2014 16:26

why are you here

By Tri_fml | 5

#4928 - Saturday 21 February 2009 20:52

Burned!

By carriealana | 0

#4933 - Saturday 21 February 2009 20:59

wtf there's no way that happened

By supwithitk | 0

#5066 - Sunday 22 February 2009 2:04

#18, TRUE.

By tcatron565 | 0

#5144 - Sunday 22 February 2009 4:47

LMAO

By LordP123 | 0

#5320 - Sunday 22 February 2009 9:59

Because, #18...for a lot of us here it's funny because it actually could happen and it's unfortunate that it does. People just want attention and so they make up shit where parents insult them. It's just not funny.

By Jenh42391 | 0

#5611 - Monday 23 February 2009 3:11

agree with #11...I'd just be creeped out at how she would know that!!!