Today, I woke up to find out that last night I got extremely...

By Fml4evr - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to find out that last night I got extremely drunk, dumped my boyfriend of 3 years, bought a female ostrich, named it Frederic, and confessed my undying love for it via YouTube. FML

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Love

Animals

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Not now, mom!

Where are you?

By now my watch begins - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for sneezing too many times during Game of Thrones. FML

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By foreveralone - Australia - Perth

Today, someone finally told me that they couldn't live without me and that they love me more than anything. It was a student in my year 1 class. FML

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By Meghan - 5/9/2020 08:01 - United States - New York

Breaking

Today, my mom told me that she had great news: we were going to meet my biological parents. I didn't know I was adopted. FML

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By Can't Believe It. - United States - Fairview

Today, I dreamed that Robert Downey Jr. kept flirting with me and asking me out. Each time, I refused him, because I'm taken. When I proudly told my boyfriend, he said, "What the hell? I could've kissed the mouth that kissed the Iron Man!" FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was in a Zumba class with a young woman in her 20s and an older woman in her 80s. I couldn't keep up with either one of them. FML

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By ugh - United States - Tampa

Today, my boyfriend came to my work, at a drive thru, in my car, and then got mad at me because I wouldn't give him free food. In his anger, he put my car in reverse and backed out of line very quickly, only to smash into a paying customer. FML

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By sadman - United States

Today, it's my three month anniversary with my girlfriend and so I decided to bake her a cake from scratch. It took me three hours, a call to my mom, three different recipe books, and half my pantry. On the way to her house, I stopped to pick up flowers and left the cake in the car. It melted. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bolingbrook

Today, I was mopping the floor at the hotel I work at. Before I could react, a gentleman stormed through the corridor and slipped and fell on the still wet floor. He complained to the owner, who bitched me out just to satisfy the guy. FML

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By whattheheck - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I found out that my new girlfriend breastfeeds her dolls. FML

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By shiznit - United States

Technique

Today, I found out that the only way to get my boyfriend to last more than one minute in the sack is to let him watch cartoons while we do it. FML

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By "jojolovesyou134" - Australia

Today, I decided to stand up to my bosses for making me lose money and work with heat stroke... while my co worker got to go home early I had to work 2 hours later. Turns out I got a supervisor in trouble for making me work when there was help allocated. Now I have to walk on eggshells, FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I just found out that my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend are rooming together at college. Visits are going to be extremely awkward. FML

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By curvster daughter - United States

Today, like every other day, my daughter thinks that degrading skinny people is very "non-conformist" and "edgy". This time, though, a slightly slim girl punched her in the face when she accused her of being anorexic. Now people think I gave my daughter her new black eye. FML

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By mm - United Kingdom - Warrington

Today, I went to see a movie with three of my friends, and I was sharing popcorn with one of them. Halfway through the movie, my friend asked me why I wasn't eating our popcorn. I then realised I'd been taking popcorn from the man sitting next to me. FML

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31752

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the only way I can get my boyfriend to do anything is by telling him it's a turn on. FML

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31825

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By Anonymous - United States - Inez

Today, my husband and I broke the news to my 10-year-old son that in about 8 months, he'll have a baby brother or sister. I knew he never wanted a sibling, but I didn't expect him to throw a tantrum, then look at me through teary eyes and scream, "Why can't you keep your fucking legs closed?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bloomington

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because of the scratch marks on my back. I didn't have the nerve to tell her I tried to shower with the cat. FML

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By hoping to live to see next year

Thanks but no thanks.

Today, my son surprised me by waking me up to be first to greet me a happy birthday. He was with his marching band buddies in full battle gear, playing the chorus of Stars and Stripes Forever. In my bedroom. At 5am. FML

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3379

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By Anonymous - United States - Boaz

Today, my dad met my boyfriend. It took less than 10 seconds for him to accuse my boyfriend of being a "queer" because his handshake was "too limp". FML

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By don’tletthembite - 4/5/2020 02:00

Gifts for the whole family

Today, my trucker husband brought home roses for me, toys for the kids and bedbugs for the whole house. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2020 08:02

Don't touch my stuff

Today, I found out where all my favourite things have been disappearing to: the garbage bin, one item at a time, courtesy of my girlfriend, who it seems wants me in a suit reading the Financial Times on a Saturday, instead of my favourite Jedi dressing gown reading Game of Thrones. FML

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By Drizztreri - United States - Imperial

Today, my mother asked me why her new airsoft gun wasn't working. I explained to her that it doesn't actually shoot air, it requires pellets too. She looked at me like I was too stupid to be her son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dell Rapids

Today, my entire gym class had to run the 1600 with our coach calling out finishing times. My finishing time was reported as "3 days short of a year." FML

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44050

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By bu09 - United States

Today, all of my friends and teachers asked me what was wrong because I looked sad and tired. One kid even said that I looked like "an abused housewife the day after." I was fine. It was the first time I went to school without wearing any makeup. FML

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By jaleesadavis21 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my older brother thought it would be funny to change the language on my phone to Serbo-Croatian. I don't know how and can't change it back. FML

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By me

Today, my boyfriend of nearly 4 years, with whom I have a baby, broke up with me. His reason? His best friend said he didn't like drinking with guys who were "tied down". FML

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By Pauper - United States

Today, I talked myself out of buying $1 candle at the Dollar Tree. That's how broke I am. FML

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36745

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By Catremorse - United States - Centreville

Today, my cat was laying on my chest while I was in bed. I farted, which my closed legs seemed to amplify. My cat was so scared, she used me as a launching pad and cut my chest in three places with her claws. FML

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1272

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wrote "I love you" on my girlfriend's Facebook wall. She completely freaked out and accused me of being "too clingy" and that I'm starting to feel more like a stalker than a boyfriend. FML

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35415

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By Anonymous - United States - Berkeley

Taste test

Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML

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By Anonymous - Virgin Islands, U.S. - Kingshill

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking on my breast. He ended up popping a pimple on it into his mouth. He threw up and that, as they say, was the end of that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left my empty shower running so I could pretend I didn't still live alone. FML

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By A.L.Woody - United States

Today, I was approached by the head cheerleader, and she asked for my number. I was so excited that I gave it to her without question. Then she smiled, and walked away. Too bad my girlfriend was right behind me when it happened. FML

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By samadams42 - United States

Today, my mom said she wanted me to get laser eye surgery before she did, "Just in case it isn't safe." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Washington

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when I got a sudden agonising cramp in my foot. I cried out in pain, but he didn't stop. If anything, my cries of pain seemed to spur him on. FML

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By Hahaha - United States

Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy the Plan B pill. The pharmacist recognized me and said, "Really? Again?" FML

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11662

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after years of waiting, my mom and I finally received a check from Child Support Services. Excited, I opened it up to find a check from my dad, written out for 45 cents. Which pays for maybe half a loaf of bread. FML

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34729

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By bubblezzz123 - United States

Today, I went to a carnival. While walking around with my cousin, I saw a one hundred dollar bill on the ground. Just before I stepped on it, a man grabbed it. His words? "Don't you just hate it when that happens?" And he walked away. FML

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By nooooo - United States

Today, I have no cell phone reception as I am visiting family who lives on the side of a mountain. They told me there was service on top of the mountain, so I hiked up. Only when I got there did I realize I'd left my phone back down at the house. FML

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By person123abc - United States

Today, I sat in my room on the computer instead of attending the party of the year. I got kicked out because I wasn't invited. The party was in my back yard, hosted by my brother. FML

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Top comments

By jello_bellied_snack_snapper | 18

#7625723 - Sunday 22 April 2018 1:55

i need to see this youtube video

By waterfalleyes | 8

#7618014 - Monday 2 April 2018 4:36

how do you get so drunk that you end up deciding to break up with your boyfriend ?

COMMENTS

By waterfalleyes | 8

#7618014 - Monday 2 April 2018 4:36

how do you get so drunk that you end up deciding to break up with your boyfriend ?

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7618212 - Monday 2 April 2018 21:01

Drunk words are sober thoughts.

AdeenCuffing | 12

#7625850 - Sunday 22 April 2018 14:13

That's your focus? Not the fucking ostrich?

zuckerburg | 21

#7626158 - Monday 23 April 2018 12:14

The ostrich was a distraction. You lose. Retry? Quit?

By BrotherPhil | 32

#7620950 - Tuesday 10 April 2018 0:49

In vino veritas.

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7625721 - Sunday 22 April 2018 1:48

Sounds like a rerun.

By jello_bellied_snack_snapper | 18

#7625723 - Sunday 22 April 2018 1:55

i need to see this youtube video

Dave_Davington | 33

#7625781 - Sunday 22 April 2018 7:52

I tried searching "Frederic ostrich love" on Youtube, but all I found were videos of ostriches fucking each other.

By LAUGHINGKOMODO | 25

#7625733 - Sunday 22 April 2018 2:14

Link please

By manb91uk | 22

#7625735 - Sunday 22 April 2018 2:18

This sounds like an alarmingly high mound of bullshit to me...

I can't think of anywhere in the UK (I also live here) where a sober person, let alone a drunk one can buy an Ostritch

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7625742 - Sunday 22 April 2018 2:34

You guys have farms, right? I have family in the UK that raise alpacas. And they're not even the weird ones.

Cali | 54

#7626274 - Monday 23 April 2018 18:40

You can "adopt" sanctuary animals online by sponsoring them remotely. In return the sanctuary usually sends pictures of the animal and keeps you updated on how they're doing!