Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom that I'm...

By augh - 10/12/2010 08:24

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom that I'm gay. She sympathetically patted my back and told me I don't need to make up excuses for me being so unattractive to women. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dangling modifier

Billy no-mates

Boom, headshot

By Superman - 15/11/2012 06:01 - United States - Bellflower

Today, after finishing a test, I decided to draw to pass the time. My teacher looked at the drawing and gave me a referral to the principal for drawing an "anti-Semitic picture." I'd drawn Superman. FML

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By bubbalicious - 13/8/2009 20:57 - Canada

Today, I was on the phone bragging to a friend about losing my virginity last night. When I went downstairs, my 6 year old sister was digging through my purse. She explained that she had overheard my conversation and wanted to help me find my virginity. My mom was in the kitchen with us. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2010 13:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I realized that not only am I still an unpublished author, but I can't even get an FML posted after submitting several in the last year. FML

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By oicwydt - 31/1/2009 23:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to go to a car show. I told him to hold on, I had to ask my mom. I quietly asked her to say no for me. She said "Sure!". FML

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By ahhh - 3/8/2015 06:06 - United States - Northbrook

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months and I had sex for the first time last night. This afternoon he texted me saying, "I had an amazing night with you yesterday." Following that text he said, "I forgot to tell you I have an STD." FML

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By nevaagain - 19/8/2016 20:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I saw a cute guy at the coffee shop reading a book. Wanting to be friendly, I smiled as I approached and asked what he was reading. He returned the smile and said, "Minding your damn business, by Fuck Off." FML

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By Kris - 6/12/2010 20:31 - United States

Today, I found my iPhone. Too bad it was when I was getting my clothes out of the washer. FML

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By myasshurts - 14/10/2011 23:03 - United States

Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy lovemaking, he sat up, slapped my ass with excruciating force, and screamed, "I AM THE THUNDER!" directly into my ear. It seems our senses of humor differ considerably. FML

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By Headphones - 21/7/2009 21:38 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents having sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a good long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones just in time to hear them finish. FML

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By monsterdanceman - 23/10/2013 23:16 - United States - Ozark

Today, I tried to tackle my fear of heights by riding a rollercoaster. Once we were near the top, it malfunctioned, causing it to stop, and we all had to get out and climb back down. My girlfriend laughed at me for how scared I was. FML

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By parched - 2/11/2009 17:30 - United States

Today, the city shut off the water at my house because my roommate thought that the water bills he had been hoarding were "suggestions." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2016 19:00 - United States - Dayton

Today, my mom tried to convince me to throw out my insulin shots because she read a chain email that claimed they "cause cancer". FML

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By arthise - 9/10/2013 07:03 - United States - Evansville

Today, my boyfriend won a diamond engagement ring through a citywide competition. Instead of proposing to me, he's selling it. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2013 09:06 - United States

Today, I was riding a new horse when a lawnmower starting up spooked her. She jumped straight up in the air and I landed directly on the saddle horn. I can't walk or feel anything between my legs. FML

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By no good deed - 23/7/2020 20:02

It's the thought that counts

Today, I was feeling pretty down due to a recent back injury, so I thought I’d do something nice to help lift my spirits. I bought some cookies for my coworkers, who ended up not wanting any, and one of them decided to ask what was wrong with my face. Oh, right, my acne rosacea is flaring too. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 15:04 - United States - Houston

Today, my future father-in-law showed everyone a picture of his poop because it was "shaped like a banana." My fiancé's whole family thought it was funny and "looked more like a banana than last time." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2011 21:47 - United States

Today, it was laundry day. After my fifth and final load, I noticed I never added any laundry detergent. FML

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By hkkilla - 16/3/2010 17:40 - United States

Today, I had four teeth pulled, and my mom brought me some ice cream to help with the pain. I fell asleep before I could finish it, and without realising, I left the bowl on my bed. I woke up a few hours later with ice cream spilled all over me, my pants, and all over my now-dead phone. FML

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By Devil's Pigeon - 18/4/2017 14:00

Today, on vacation, I had my first encounter with a macaw parrot, who promptly bit my ear and shat on me while amused tourists laughed and took pictures. FML

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By skyinthesky - 11/2/2017 07:00 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I bought a desk for my new apartment. After ignoring the warnings on the box saying it should not be carried alone, I made it all the way to my apartment with the desk. I walked in the door and dropped it on my foot. FML

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By Em - 30/4/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, my family threw me a surprise party. I was so surprised I punched my mom in the face when she screamed SURPRISE! FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2017 01:30

Today, my girlfriend was in the midst of giving me head when she got lockjaw. My dick was stuck inside her mouth as she bit down on it for over an hour. FML

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By Savannah - 7/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Spring Hill

Today, I went to the doctor for a suspicious lump under my armpit, so he suggested a breast examination. While pressing all over them he said : "We're gonna have to send you for an X-ray because you have the most lumpy breasts I've ever felt in my life." FML

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By omgboobs - 23/12/2009 02:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that when my nipples are hard, he thinks that they look like giant zits, and when he squeezes them, he imagines them popping pus. He then reached for my chest. FML

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By fuckthat! - 13/11/2017 09:37 - United States - Madison

Today, my soon-to-be ex-husband had the audacity to ask if the woman he cheated on me with could be in the delivery room while I give birth to our baby. FML

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By angelsaredicks - 11/9/2015 13:55 - United States - Morgantown

Today, I gave blood for the first time, since I'm a universal donor. After it was done, I passed out, woke up, puked, and passed out again. The kind nurses told me I was the worst case they had seen all week. So much for doing something to help others. FML

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By /(•'_'•)\ - 7/9/2013 16:59 - United States - Ballwin

Today, while working at Subway, I was about to take a guy's order. He quickly held up a hand and asked for someone else to make his sub, because he doesn't like "ugly people" touching his food. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2018 01:30

Today, I got my hair trimmed to look fresh for my sister's wedding this week. The woman messed up so badly that the manager had to step in and fix it. I lost 8 inches of hair and my dad keeps telling me I look like a medieval stable boy. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2009 06:03 - United States

Today, I went on a group job interview, where all the applicants seem to have the same qualifications. When the interviewer dismissed all of us but the prettiest girl, outraged, I told him he was a prejudiced pig, and should be ashamed of himself. Apparently she was the only one who had a car. FML

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By mallyboo - 1/10/2016 14:38 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I discovered that you should always check the litter box before vacuuming stray litter outside of it after my cat burst out from the box mid-piss and skittered around the house still pissing after I put the vacuum hose behind the box. FML

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By Username - 11/7/2011 17:42 - United States

Today, I had diarrhea at work. While trying to be subtle about the noises, the woman in the stall next to me called me by name and asked if I was having trouble. FML

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By Me - 20/12/2010 06:22

Today, I went horseback riding with this guy I like. I asked him to help me get on the horse. I slipped, and while trying to keep my balance, I kicked him in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2014 20:38 - United States - Pittsburg

Today, I witnessed some greasy twat trying to chat a girl up by negging her, which is basically insulting a woman to lower her self-esteem so she's more likely to put out. "Goddamn negger", I muttered. "The fuck did you just say?!" yelled a black guy standing beside me. FML

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By mando - 6/10/2011 15:14 - Australia

Today, at work, I refused a customer a refund because there was nothing wrong with the item, and she didn't have the packaging. I then watched as she and her son rummaged through a public bin for the packaging. When I refused her again, she called me a "fucking idiot". FML

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By PeeFlavouredFloss - 14/1/2013 03:36 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I had to explain to my husband that the 5-second rule doesn't apply if you drop the floss into the toilet. FML

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By me - 4/2/2012 19:40 - United States

Today, my husband and I worked together on a very difficult yard project. Afterwards, I thanked him and offered him a special treat. He was disappointed to find I meant sex, not cookies. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2011 07:47

Today, I found out the hard way what it sounds like when you take the first letter of my first name, A, and put it with my last name, Hole. FML

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By Boob - 7/1/2010 16:36 - United Kingdom

Today, for my art project, I spent hours painting my whole body in black spots with acrylic paint. I then went and stood outside in the snow, naked, so I could take pictures of it. Only then to find out the camera was out of batteries. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2013 07:31 - United States

Today, the guy I like asked me out for the first time. It's a good thing he did it over Facebook, because I started shaking and almost threw up. I don't know how I'm going to function on our date next week. FML

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By badboyfriend101 - 12/5/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was continuously telling me how great my best friend smelled the other night and how I should wear some perfume that smelled like that. I have the same exact perfume and have been wearing it for months. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#1824068 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:27

You know, if you are very unattractive to women, you are probably going to strike out often with gay guys, too.

May I send you some pamphlets on the benefits of asexuality?

By pennies_lane | 6

#1823995 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:19

did you explain to her that that's not it at all, that the fact is you just really like cock?

COMMENTS

By gastonnFML | 0

#1823908 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:06

fuck your life

jsx12345 | 0

#1824521 - Friday 10 December 2010 17:46

lol ikr

By DahkLohd | 4

#1823918 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:07

LMAO! Awesome mom.

spady62287 | 0

#1824048 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:26

she wins the Mom award of the year.

By ohgodwtf | 0

#1823920 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:07

Wow. That's terrible. FYL.

By HesJustTheBest | 0

#1823937 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:10

Ouch. Mom burns are the worst (aside from grandma burns). Guess there's only one way to prove it to your mom OP.

DahkLohd | 4

#1823953 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:13

Yeah. Bring home a guy for dinner, and French him in front of her.

MonkeyMan03 | 0

#1824064 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:26

shed definitely believe him if he Australian kissed him.

meganasoarus | 0

#1824109 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:31

Australian kisses are the best.

KennKenn | 0

#1824463 - Friday 10 December 2010 17:36

forget the kisses. do every possible position on her bed

koji8123 | 0

#1824674 - Friday 10 December 2010 18:27

win!!!1!!one!!

By yumsugarr | 8

#1823971 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:16

aww. does somebody need a virtual hug?

DahkLohd | 4

#1823982 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:18

Why do you love rain?

yumsugarr | 8

#1824045 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:26

..what?

yumsugarr | 8

#1824073 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:28

ohh, my profile. haha, I don't know..I like the rainbow it leaves?
haha. dunno.

DahkLohd | 4

#1824163 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:47

Yeah, the rainbows are nice...I've just always found the rain itself rather depressing.

xXDubbleChic | 11

#1824282 - Friday 10 December 2010 17:00

u look EXACTLY like my friend Mikenna. she's really nice

DahkLohd | 4

#1824332 - Friday 10 December 2010 17:08

^ Who does? yumsugarr or me? I hope it's not me. :-)

akwes | 0

#1824624 - Friday 10 December 2010 18:14

weak lol

whycantisignup | 24

#6237084 - Thursday 19 March 2015 14:26

#54: Don't be a jerk, spread positivity, not negativity :D

By rattusrattus | 18

#1823975 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:17

Oh the joys of having a supportive family... [/extreme, dripping sarcasm]

By romanje | 0

#1823991 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:19

wow your mom is outta touch

By pennies_lane | 6

#1823995 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:19

did you explain to her that that's not it at all, that the fact is you just really like cock?

YaoiTitan | 10

#6579296 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 5:26

Too bad some women, like my "mother figure" went crazy thinking I'm the freaging devil. I don't want to hear a complaint. One is funny. The other is a guy attempting to fence with a shovel.

By MaJiN_fml | 2

#1824066 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:27

just tell her that to you females have nothing on men

AceArctic | 4

#1824268 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:59

Bros before Hos mom!

By perdix | 29

#1824068 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:27

You know, if you are very unattractive to women, you are probably going to strike out often with gay guys, too.

May I send you some pamphlets on the benefits of asexuality?

johnholmes | 0

#1824090 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:29

lol Win

iwadasn | 32

#1824578 - Friday 10 December 2010 18:02

Way to not get the joke, 50.