Transportation: Today, a woman who I have spoken to approximately twice in my...

By Anonymous - 11/12/2015 00:10 - United States - Persia

Today, a woman who I have spoken to approximately twice in my life, asked me out. I turned her down in the most harmless way I could. Three hours later, I found my car keyed and my windshield wipers gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 229

You deserved it 2 004

Transportation

Dysfunctional

You tried

That went well

RIP in peace

By katta2009 - 29/08/2010 11:29 - United States

Today, my grandmother died. No one called me to let me know she passed. I found out because people kept writing RIP on her Facebook wall. My siblings and I weren't even mentioned in her obituary with the other grandchildren, but they did remember to mention her dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 536

You deserved it 2 584

What's that sound?

By Ihavethickthighs - 07/09/2017 16:00

Today, and for the past week, my boyfriend joined me on my walks. He's recently gotten into photography and is now intent on tracking down a rare bird that he never sees but always hears. I don't have the heart to tell him that it's the sound of my thighs rubbing together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 548

You deserved it 551

By T_Willl - 17/11/2010 03:43

Today, a customer was rude to me, and I was rude back. He then asked for my manager, and I told him I was the store manager. He then identified himself as the corporate owner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 943

You deserved it 57 530

By B - 18/04/2011 08:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought it would be funny to tickle my daughter's foot, which she hates. One bloody nose, multiple scratches and 4 toe-shaped bruises later, she's the one laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 613

You deserved it 58 077

By lingling - 16/12/2012 00:57 - United States - Germantown

Today, some beefed-up guy wearing a wife-beater sat in my restaurant, took out a big sack of coins, and played My Little Pony songs on the jukebox for 4 hours straight. I couldn't summon the courage to tell him to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 041

You deserved it 5 946

Lonely

By Anonymous - 07/11/2009 00:29 - United States

Today, I'm a 19 year-old college student in NYC, it's Friday night and I'm sitting alone on my bed in my dorm room, talking to my mother on Facebook. Then she stopped responding. Turns out even my mother has better things to do on Friday night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 093

You deserved it 6 489

By munnyfish - 07/11/2009 07:16 - Canada

Today, as I was waking up, I let out a huge morning fart. When I open my eyes, I realized that I was crashing at a friends place with four other people. Yep, they all heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 336

You deserved it 33 494

By Anonymous - 14/12/2013 07:24 - Canada - Milton

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 360

You deserved it 7 965

Getting some action

By hugadyle - 18/04/2020 14:00

Today, I took a trip to the library's public computer section to get some important work done. After a bit of work, I went to stretch only to see that the man next to me was watching some adult films on his computer and discreetly touching himself. I still had 58 minutes of computer time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 505

You deserved it 149

How kind...

By NoThanks - 11/05/2018 01:30

Today, despite my objections, a 50-year-old guy at a bar tried to convince me that my "biological clock is ticking" and that it was time to have kids, "before it's too late". He then offered his help in this noble endeavor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 322

You deserved it 304

By neverdoingthatagain - 27/02/2016 03:35 - United States - Pottstown

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones made her extremely horny. The doctor said that intercourse during pregnancy was very healthy, so we decided to do it. Let's just say that the bumpy ride didn't help her morning sickness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 207

You deserved it 2 092

Anticlimactic

By Ray - 31/12/2020 16:58

Today, my boyfriend told me I'm the best lay of his life. I really wish I could say the same about him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 294

By lobotomy pls - 11/09/2015 18:40 - United States - Tappahannock

Today, I walked in on my mom, legs spread and changing her tampon, all while she was carrying on a conversation on the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 282

You deserved it 4 479

By Anonymous - 31/08/2019 18:01

Today, I got a haircut. During dinner, my grandmother complained about it, and said I looked terrible. I've had the exact same haircut for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 390

You deserved it 119

By caterinette - 27/11/2014 02:04 - Portugal

Today, it was my turn to open the bar I work at. As I walked into our terrace, I found our insane upstairs neighbour leaving the scene without a word. This was right before I spotted the steaming pile of dung she'd left behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 100

You deserved it 2 235

Outlaw

By me_the_maniak - 12/01/2012 10:14 - India

Today, my parents want me to become a lawyer, all because our family members keep getting into feuds and court cases. I'm a successful developer, and run my own company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 733

You deserved it 2 432

By Fred - 06/01/2009 08:28 - France

Today, I couldn't take home the free weights I'd planned on buying to start bodybuilding 'cos I couldn't lift the box, which was too heavy for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 003

You deserved it 5 461

By Fefrank - 25/03/2019 00:00

I broke a bolt on my minivan trying to fix the timing belt myself to save money. I spent about 300 dollars in parts. Today I took the van to the shop and the total to fix it is going to be 1200 dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 561

You deserved it 944

You just don't understand art

By Anonymous - 07/03/2020 23:16

Today, I walked in on my roommate with his pants down at his ankles, taking a picture of his poop. This would've been less disgusting if we'd been in the bathroom, not the kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 665

You deserved it 102

By married to a nerd - 07/06/2018 20:30

Today, I asked my 4-year-old daughter where her father went. She said, "Out to have fun with Zoe." Acting on suspicion, I followed him and did a stakeout. Hours later, I barged in and caught him playing Dungeons and Dragons. "Zoe" is the female wizard he plays as. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 788

You deserved it 3 910

By damn it rose - 31/05/2014 13:40 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my ex-girlfriend proposed to me, at my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 312

You deserved it 8 107

Where's my anvil?

By Anonymous - 17/03/2021 14:02

Today, my roommate placed something on a shelf I put up, and the whole thing came crashing down. It's been fine for 2 years and now the shelf decides to break? Yeah right, dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 738

You deserved it 82

By karmasabitch - 17/05/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, I had my high school reunion. The nerdy guy that I picked on all 4 years had married a Swedish supermodel, then divorced her for a Brazilian supermodel. My girlfriend works at 7-11. Karma sucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 956

You deserved it 312 390

By cocokiss410 - 28/07/2011 04:34 - United States

Today, while I was at work, a co-worker watched while some kid stole the radio out of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 593

You deserved it 2 703

By Anonymous - 09/04/2017 16:00

Today, I got in an argument with my wife. I told her that I feel like she immediately disagrees with anything I say. She immediately disagreed and said she never does that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 822

You deserved it 684

By K_M - 23/08/2010 04:18 - Malaysia

Today, I wanted to punish a student for being late. I decided to start a pop quiz before he arrived. I was positive there wasn't enough time for him to finish. He scored full marks and I couldn't say a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 232

You deserved it 75 648

By whirlednews - 23/04/2012 02:01 - United States

Today, I'm at home sick and someone is moving into the apartment above ours. Judging by the sounds and level of noise, they seem to be opening some sort of woodworking shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 207

You deserved it 1 794

By Anonymous - 20/03/2013 02:52 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, my sink seemed to be filling up with dirty water. Concerned, I turned on the garbage disposal and plunged away. With no change in the water levels, I called a plumber. He reached in, pulled out the drain plug, and give me his bill while chuckling to himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 068

You deserved it 45 068

By JustShutUp - 27/07/2016 18:40

Today, my neighbour was singing in the shower so loud that I could understand every word. He was singing "Purple Rain", which wouldn't have been so bad if he only knew a bit more of the lyrics. He has been singing those same two words for half an hour now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 451

You deserved it 923

By BulldogHoops - 12/11/2012 05:12 - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I decided to buy a meal for a homeless man who was being shunned at an intersection. When I went to hand it to him, I realized it was my dad, wearing a tattered old shirt and pretending to be homeless to make some money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 293

You deserved it 2 424

By boo! - 17/02/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, I saw my friend across campus, and I decided that I wanted to play a trick on her and scare her from behind. Turns out, I scared a complete stranger with really bad panic induced asthma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 510

You deserved it 42 874

By hypebeast - 28/01/2009 15:00 - United States

Today, I posted on a forum asking if I could be a moderator. Instead, I got banned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 039

You deserved it 32 146

By yawning - 01/02/2011 20:14 - Australia

Today, I woke up at 3am to go to work. This will be my new routine from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 874

You deserved it 9 850

By apparentlybutch - 05/09/2014 21:11 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I asked out the girl I really like. She turned me down, saying that she's a lesbian. That'd be fine, if I were a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 129

You deserved it 4 549

By sigsigsignify - 06/12/2018 14:00

Today, my 3 year old future niece was combing my hair while I was watching a movie with the future in-laws. She kept leaving saying she was going to "go get the comb wet". I assumed she meant in the bathroom sink. Turns out she was just going around behind the couch and licking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 387

You deserved it 382

By jjjjjohn cena - 13/08/2015 01:44 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was woken up to the crushing of my balls after my 5-year-old son thought it would be the best way to wake me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 669

You deserved it 2 157

Fragrant

By nooneinparticular - 21/05/2020 08:00

Today, I realized that I get turned on by my girlfriend's perfume. My mother started using the same one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 609

You deserved it 150

By straightasaneedle - 02/02/2011 17:11 - Germany

Today, after three weeks of putting it off, I decided to ask out the girl I've had a major crush on since third grade. When I told her, she smiled, but then quickly said, "But aren't you gay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 504

You deserved it 4 848

By chlolivia - 14/02/2012 00:28 - Canada

Today, my bra burst apart in the middle of class. I then had the privilege of asking my male teacher if I could borrow his stapler to put it back together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 672

You deserved it 4 375

By Grrrawrwtf - 03/06/2012 04:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to break up with me but it had to be after our cruise together because he doesn't want to lose out on money. Can't wait for the Bahamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 890

You deserved it 2 443

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Top comments

WCARlover 34

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Friday 11 December 2015 17:11

Well at least you avoided dating that! I hope that's the extent of her craziness though.

yes31601 16

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Friday 11 December 2015 17:12

You have her number. Find her address and report it to the police.

dutchy86 20

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Friday 11 December 2015 17:10

oh well at least she gets ure phone number now :)

Ms_ValS 27

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Friday 11 December 2015 17:20

It's "whom".

DrafteeSelf 24

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Friday 11 December 2015 19:13

Thats not the point though. The door is right there sir -----[]

ber4fun 23

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Friday 11 December 2015 19:14

Why would this make OP give out his number? the damage is already done and hopefully it doesn't continue.

dutchy86 20

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Friday 11 December 2015 21:08

because OP probably wants to fill in the insurance papers ?

delaneyseal 15

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Saturday 12 December 2015 0:19

"Whom" is used after a preposition. God damn.

tinyxjr 4

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Saturday 12 December 2015 14:55

#24 L

gorgeous_vixen95 12

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Sunday 13 December 2015 9:47

Oh c'mon it was funny. Just a joke relax people.

nEXtIntoTheWild 5

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Friday 11 December 2015 17:11

shit happens

JazzHandsFML 28

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Friday 11 December 2015 17:24

by all means do not take any action, because shit happens.

helptheorphans 17

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Saturday 12 December 2015 7:16

Did he say "don't take action because s*** happens"? No. All of your comments are criticism towards others. Get a life.

WCARlover 34

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Friday 11 December 2015 17:11

Well at least you avoided dating that! I hope that's the extent of her craziness though.

yes31601 16

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Friday 11 December 2015 17:12

You have her number. Find her address and report it to the police.

ber4fun 23

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Friday 11 December 2015 19:15

He does?

gte225 11

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Saturday 12 December 2015 18:49

let's hope she doesn't have his.

ThrottleJockey 34

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Friday 11 December 2015 17:12

Did your car turn her down too?

tranced_ 44

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Friday 11 December 2015 17:13

I think she took revenge in the most harmless way she could..

Llama_Face89 33

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Saturday 12 December 2015 2:52

HARMLESS?!! Messing with a man's car is lower than low! If I were op I'd rather the psycho straight up stab me than mess with my baby...

Eyalsh 32

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Saturday 12 December 2015 5:24

""you don't fuck with another man's automobile. you just don't do it; it's against the rules." -vincent vega, pulp fiction.

Brandi_Faith 33

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Saturday 12 December 2015 7:35

54: 7 was being sarcastic and using a play on words

91hayek 31

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Friday 11 December 2015 17:18

Crazy catflap.

KhaleesiDannie 26

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Friday 11 December 2015 17:19

She's been watching you from afar building up this amazing relationship in her head and you went and ruined it OP shame on you*sarcasm font*

sonicsucksass 3

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Friday 11 December 2015 21:24

I was gonna downvote but you were being sarcastic. So I laughed.

GeorgiaBea 28

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Friday 11 December 2015 17:33

At least you can tell the police who it was...

Adam_Power58 16

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Friday 11 December 2015 17:35

Better off you're not with that psychopath for even a day

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13

You deserved it 9

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 16

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 102

You deserved it 1 995

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 190

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