Transportation: Today, a woman who I have spoken to approximately twice in my...

By Anonymous - United States - Persia

Today, a woman who I have spoken to approximately twice in my life, asked me out. I turned her down in the most harmless way I could. Three hours later, I found my car keyed and my windshield wipers gone. FML

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24202

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Transportation

Vulture

Late term

Let's go girls!

By ouch - United States

Today, I was in class when all of a sudden I was hit in the head by a metal pencil case. My teacher threw it at me to get my attention. FML

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19677

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By DSM - United States

Today, I was going to attempt to compliment my girlfriend, I planned on telling her that she smelled really nice. In a loving tone, I confidently told her, "Baby, you have a certain stench to you." FML

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20770

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband has had a low sex drive for a while now. I've been trying all sorts of things to pique his desire. Turns out that a conversation about Neil deGrasse Tyson was all I ever needed. FML

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4475

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538

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By feltuponthe69 - United States

Today, I fell asleep on the bus and when I woke up, I found out that I missed my stop by ten stops and I was on the last bus of the night. And, to make matters worse, a drunk hobo was sitting next to me with a beer in one hand and was rubbing my leg with the other. FML

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47620

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By max - United States

Today, I went jogging with my girlfriend. I'm pretty sure my moobs bounced more than her breasts. FML

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18037

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30328

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By Rebecca - Canada

Today, as I was pulling into my driveway, I hit my fence. The same fence that I had repaired last week because I had run into it. FML

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8606

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I stopped at a yellow light. The guy behind me did not. He had no insurance. FML

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37586

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6914

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having an after work-out dinner with my ex-girlfriend and we were having a great time, catching up, eating good food, all the good things. Then when I got home, I realized I just talked to my ex-girlfriend for an hour and a half about how much better her new boyfriend is than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12847

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By Pfff - France

Today, I argued with a boy from school over a girl. I didn't know he was a black belt judoka. I'm still in pain. FML

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23345

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8067

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By Monsieur-Madame - France - Courtisols

Today, I found out that my colleagues had replaced my email auto-responder with a message saying, "I'm away for two weeks in Brazil. Due to the surgery, when I return, please address me by my new name: Crystal." FML

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33556

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By whymommywhy - United States

Today, my hamster gave birth. The babies were very cute and I couldn't resist petting one. Apparently touching a baby hamster will cause it's mother to reject and devour it. I am now know in my family as "The Hamster Slaughterer." FML

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57193

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, I screamed, used one of my employees as a human shield, dove for cover, and cried. Why? A bat flew into my store. Bats scare me shitless. FML

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27998

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out my roommate has been using my bed for months because he didn't want his sheets to "smell like gay sex" when his mom washed them. FML

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3683

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305

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By Brad - Canada

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML

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157060

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7486

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By Sparks - United States - Taylor

Today, my neighbors threatened to sue me because a six-foot branch fell off one of my trees and into their yard, hitting nothing on the way down. FML

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2107

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212

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By annoyed - United States - Berkeley

Today, I was diagnosed with gonorrhea. My dad's reaction was to slowly clap at the news then giggle at his own joke. FML

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30445

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10129

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By toe - United States - Sullivan

Today, I stole my brother's fuzzy slippers for the day as I usually do. Too bad he had been anticipating this and had left a mouse trap in one of them. FML

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16555

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44929

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By kk - United States

Today, the man next to me was feeding the birds when he ran out of food. We were at Adventure Island and there were "Do not feed the birds" signs everywhere. The birds then became aggressive and started savaging the both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32203

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4757

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my husband in our room completely naked. At first I thought he was waiting for me so we could have sex. He hadn't seen me yet, so I started to undress too to surprise him. Then I saw that he had drawn a face on his penis and he was talking to it. FML

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79514

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6403

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By me - United States

Today, my fiancé and I had a fight over household expenses. He's never had a job in his life, but this didn't stop him demanding that I get another full-time job to pay for video games and beer. FML

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28617

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By sam - 2/12/2020 23:01

Connecting people

Today, I learned that the person my ex-girlfriend left me for is my ex-girlfriend from before her. FML

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847

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119

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By Seriously - United States

Today, after having just cleaned my office at work, I sat at my desk and opened a can of Diet Coke, which then exploded all over my desk, keyboard, and everything else in its path. FML

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29704

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By Anonymous

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. When she saw the ring, she got so excited that she ran to kiss me and it flew out of my hand, over the balcony of our suite, and fell roughly 45 stories straight down. I could feel my wallet screaming as a £4000 diamond vanished into the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3679

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475

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By BLEACH Gum

Great Success

Today, I decided to finally bleach my teeth. After 45 minutes of stinging pain, my teeth are still yellow as ever. My gums, on the other hand, are opaque white. FML

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2879

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1225

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By hihaay - United States

Today, while on the bus, I found out the seat I'd taken was the preferred spot of a very hostile and extremely overweight freshman. Instead of letting me find different place to sit, she half sat on me, and completely ignored my attempts to dislodge myself all the way to school. FML

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30045

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By "LovelySB"

Today, while trying to get over all the emotional things I've been going through, I forgot that my bedroom door was open and here my silly behind was dancing in my underwear while my roommate watched on. FML

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1521

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By crash - United States

Today, I went dirtbiking. While I was going down a hill, I spun out of control and flipped over my handle bars. I now have a sprained arm, multiple bruises and a crescent-shaped gash on my neck that looks like I was bitten. People are asking if my boyfriend and I were being frisky last night. FML

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43128

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By geeklove - United States

Today, I got a Facebook message from the school genius/nerd, who I have never talked to. He politely informed me that after much thought and deliberation, he has narrowed it down to who his ideal mate is. Me. FML

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34651

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By Nathan - United States

Today, I went to see a therapist for the first time because I've been feeling depressed lately. I opened up and said everything that was on my mind. I really spilled my guts. After a good 30 minutes, her first question was, "Do you always talk this much?" FML

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75014

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By kiki - United States

Today, I was working at a grocery store and a man came to my register to ask for the price of a mop. I took the mop from him to scan it without realizing the pole was between his legs. I hit him in the crotch with the pole. FML

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41739

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By doilookold

Today, stopping at a rest plaza, the cashier at Wendy’s asked my best friend if I was her mom. We are only two years apart. FML

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2484

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205

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By TubaAssassin

Today, I came home to find that my roommate had picked my lock and stolen my new laptop. When I tried to take it back, he called the police. They sided with him since he had also taken the receipt, which was "proof" that it was his. FML

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4776

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275

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By slamo - Australia

Today, I walked into my new maths class. I stepped inside only to be yelled at by the teacher for nearly 15 minutes. I was then told never to enter her class again and was sent to the principal. My identical twin brother was in her class the period before me. He also has a thing for older women. FML

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65860

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my dad spent most of the $500 I earned from mowing lawns on an Xbox 360 for himself. He was the one who encouraged me to put the money in the bank for college and to learn responsibility. I'm 14 years old. He's 37. FML

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38846

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By Danielle - 2/8/2020 08:08

Crushed

Today, I was disassembling a tent after a week of camping when I felt a crunch under my bare foot. I lifted up the tarp I was standing on to find a now squashed mouse. Mice are my favorite animals, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go camping again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1248

You deserved it

457

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By Vahootie - United States

Today, my parents refused to visit me at college because "the flights are too expensive." They are currently shopping for a new car to replace my mother's two-year-old Porsche. FML

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81762

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By Nope - China

Today, I defended the dried up things in the cup noodles as being real vegetables, just so that it would appear that I do actually eat vegetables. FML

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7367

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23914

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By screwed - Australia - Perth

Today, as a last resort for my back problems, I tried acupuncture. After the needles were placed and the doctor had left, I couldn't move for 30 minutes. I had a panic attack. FML

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40003

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5043

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to light a candle in my room. Since fire intrigues me, I put an old brochure into it. Paper burns fast, and now my carpet has a big, black burn mark. FML

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7269

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the airport for my two week trip to explore Europe. My ticket was denied and the workers turned me away. When I asked why, they told me to check the date. My ticket was for June 22nd, not July. FML

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20590

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Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#6482487 - Friday 11 December 2015 17:11

Well at least you avoided dating that! I hope that's the extent of her craziness though.

By yes31601 | 16

#6482489 - Friday 11 December 2015 17:12

You have her number. Find her address and report it to the police.

COMMENTS

By dutchy86 | 20

#6482480 - Friday 11 December 2015 17:10

oh well at least she gets ure phone number now :)

Ms_ValS | 27

#6482504 - Friday 11 December 2015 17:20

It's "whom".

DrafteeSelf | 24

#6482589 - Friday 11 December 2015 19:13

Thats not the point though.
The door is right there sir -----[]

ber4fun | 23

#6482591 - Friday 11 December 2015 19:14

Why would this make OP give out his number? the damage is already done and hopefully it doesn't continue.

dutchy86 | 20

#6482691 - Friday 11 December 2015 21:08

because OP probably wants to fill in the insurance papers ?

delaneyseal | 15

#6482783 - Saturday 12 December 2015 0:19

"Whom" is used after a preposition. God damn.

tinyxjr | 4

#6483180 - Saturday 12 December 2015 14:55

#24 L

gorgeous_vixen95 | 12

#6483914 - Sunday 13 December 2015 9:47

Oh c'mon it was funny. Just a joke relax people.

By nEXtIntoTheWild | 5

#6482483 - Friday 11 December 2015 17:11

shit happens

JazzHandsFML | 28

#6482508 - Friday 11 December 2015 17:24

by all means do not take any action, because shit happens.

helptheorphans | 17

#6482985 - Saturday 12 December 2015 7:16

Did he say "don't take action because s*** happens"? No. All of your comments are criticism towards others. Get a life.

By WCARlover | 34

#6482487 - Friday 11 December 2015 17:11

Well at least you avoided dating that! I hope that's the extent of her craziness though.

By yes31601 | 16

#6482489 - Friday 11 December 2015 17:12

You have her number. Find her address and report it to the police.

ber4fun | 23

#6482592 - Friday 11 December 2015 19:15

He does?

gte225 | 11

#6483314 - Saturday 12 December 2015 18:49

let's hope she doesn't have his.

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#6482490 - Friday 11 December 2015 17:12

Did your car turn her down too?

By tranced_ | 44

#6482492 - Friday 11 December 2015 17:13

I think she took revenge in the most harmless way she could..

Llama_Face89 | 33

#6482874 - Saturday 12 December 2015 2:52

HARMLESS?!! Messing with a man's car is lower than low! If I were op I'd rather the psycho straight up stab me than mess with my baby...

Eyalsh | 32

#6482950 - Saturday 12 December 2015 5:24

""you don't fuck with another man's automobile. you just don't do it; it's against the rules." -vincent vega, pulp fiction.

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6482994 - Saturday 12 December 2015 7:35

54: 7 was being sarcastic and using a play on words

By 91hayek | 31

#6482500 - Friday 11 December 2015 17:18

Crazy catflap.

By KhaleesiDannie | 26

#6482503 - Friday 11 December 2015 17:19

She's been watching you from afar building up this amazing relationship in her head and you went and ruined it OP shame on you*sarcasm font*

sonicsucksass | 3

#6482695 - Friday 11 December 2015 21:24

I was gonna downvote but you were being sarcastic. So I laughed.

By GeorgiaBea | 28

#6482514 - Friday 11 December 2015 17:33

At least you can tell the police who it was...

By Adam_Power58 | 16

#6482516 - Friday 11 December 2015 17:35

Better off you're not with that psychopath for even a day