Love: Today, my mom and my step dad decided they're getting a divorce.... - FML

By disaster... - 20/05/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, my mom and my step dad decided they're getting a divorce. They've been married for 2 weeks and I paid for a quarter of the wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 262

You deserved it 6 583

Own it

This Charming Man

Workout

By Ohai - 16/01/2009 20:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mom asked me for advice on how to give a good blow job. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 472

You deserved it 3 055

Hidden

By fml9124 - 20/09/2019 14:00

Today, I saw a scorpion crawling across the kitchen floor. While trying to swat it towards the middle of the floor to prevent it from escaping as I looked for something to kill it with, my cat came to investigate. Kitty thought I was playing with a new toy and joined in by batting the scorpion under the oven. I know it's plotting its revenge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 321

You deserved it 154

Priorities

By Brodam - 17/09/2020 14:01 - United States - Scotch Plains

Today, we began our honeymoon with a Yellowstone Park hike. Wildfires took hold at both ends of the park. We lost all cell service. Her parents and my mom worried, texted and called. My dad just logged into my Fantasy Football team to pick up a running back in this week's waiver wire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 900

You deserved it 168

The Good Fight

By cacheson - 05/06/2020 23:00

Today, my husband and roommate went out to protest for the second day in a row. I have an anxiety disorder, so I can't go. I’m just stuck here watching videos of the fires and violence, wondering if they will even come home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 314

You deserved it 1 039

By Lickmylovepump - 19/01/2012 04:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend insisted that we try phone sex. He started telling me all the things he wanted to do to me while breathing heavily. Unfortunately, it sounded so ridiculous, I burst out laughing. He hung up on me, and has refused to pick up since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 374

You deserved it 35 411

By isoheartcaitlin - 25/08/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling after getting it on a few times. He holds my face in his hands, looks deep into my eyes and says "I smell chicken." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 312

You deserved it 6 149

By Notadrinkanddriveidiot - 07/12/2011 14:46 - United States

Today, some friends and I were pulled over on our way back from a party. We'd had a few drinks, so we tried to play it cool just in case we were over the limit. The cop didn't seem to want to breathalyze us, until my really high friend in the back seat said, "These are not the droids you are looking for." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 639

You deserved it 46 958

Strong incel vibes

By anotherdayfml - 04/03/2020 21:00

Today, I told a guy that I was on birth control. He decided that it would be best for us not to continue speaking with each other. I never would've thought taking care of myself would be a deal breaker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 149

Butterface

By khfhjfsb - 05/02/2014 00:41 - United States - Downers Grove

Spicy

Today, the guy I was sexting asked me to stop including my face in the pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 923

You deserved it 22 493

By NoPainNoGain - 17/09/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth pulled. Apparently the medicines don't work on me. I woke up in the middle of the surgery and felt EVERYTHING. One of the nurses asked if I was okay, and the doctor just kept saying "Don't worry she's just dreaming", while tears were pouring down my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 318

You deserved it 2 586

By mvp - 26/07/2009 23:51 - United States

Today, my 50-year-old mother borrowed my denim miniskirt to go to the bar. In return, she offered to let me borrow her red "f*** me" pumps whenever I needed them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 841

You deserved it 3 465

By Summer Loving Happened So Fast - 02/12/2014 17:59 - United States - Cookeville

Spicy

Today, after two years, my girlfriend finally got over her intimacy and commitment problems, with a guy she met over the summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 080

You deserved it 3 267

Mum

By mummer11 - 15/11/2013 17:49 - Ireland

Today, my mum staggered home, piss drunk. When I tried to walk her to her room, she shoved me away and cursed at me for being a "goody two-shoes". She then slurred, "I fucked your mum", and informed me that my mum is a skank. That's good to know, mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 940

You deserved it 3 117

By weak - 23/02/2014 14:36 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was helping my wife bring in the groceries. She was able to carry 4 bags and a jug of milk. I was struggling with 2 bags. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 312

You deserved it 22 522

By butchapparently - 10/08/2015 15:35

Today, I got a text from the guy I've been in love with for 3 years, saying: "So um, I've been wondering. Did you used to be a man?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 653

You deserved it 2 208

By [email protected] - 28/09/2014 15:30 - United Kingdom - Watford

Spicy

Today, my drunk husband came home, got into bed, and started humping the body pillow. He ended up whining about how I hadn't come yet, then angrily slurred that I must be cheating on him. All I could do was stay quiet and wonder how the idiot even made it home alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 523

You deserved it 4 844

By trackgurl - 21/02/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn for the first time. After I explained to the nurse how nervous I was, she replied, "Oh honey, don't worry! This is my first time too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 648

You deserved it 2 966

By foreverbrown - 15/05/2012 02:23 - United States

Today, I was having dinner with my college friends to celebrate the end of our first year. I said really great things about them as individuals. The only thing they had to say to me was, "Thanks for being the token black friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 958

You deserved it 3 137

By awkward. - 17/07/2009 05:02 - United States

Today, I found out that my new boss at my job is the same guy that I turned down repeatedly last night at the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 848

You deserved it 4 605

Boring FML

By Anonymous - 02/05/2020 02:00

Today, my wife of seven years told me she wants a divorce because I'm boring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 631

You deserved it 314

By cdestarac - 10/01/2012 06:07 - United States

Today, I met my fiancé's parents for the first time. The only problem was that I was highly intoxicated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 136

You deserved it 37 685

By sweetjulie - 11/07/2019 18:00

Today, and for the past week, my 5-year-old daughter has been introducing herself as “Mazda. Zoom-zoom!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 355

You deserved it 265

How would that work?

By minnie - 23/10/2019 04:00 - Australia

Today, my fiancée suggested a 'Back To The Future' - themed wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 237

You deserved it 375

The geyser

By Anonymous - 15/05/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 248

You deserved it 312

By fashionista1787 - 12/09/2011 03:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had a creepy old guy with awful body odor in my salon. As I was washing his hair, he brought up how he wants to start a garden, and how a woman's monthly flow weirdly helps to make it grow. Then he asked me if I can save up my used tampons for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 849

You deserved it 2 488

By joy - 07/02/2012 17:49 - United States

Today, while I was going to the bathroom, my engagement ring fell off into the toilet, which then automatically flushed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 380

You deserved it 5 000

By poo_shoe123 - 31/03/2009 20:47 - United States

Today, I was called by my 9 year old son's teacher. He had handcuffed himself to his desk with handcuffs he found in my room. I was told to please bring in the key and not to leave my kinky toys out where a child could get them. I'm a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107 050

You deserved it 10 122

By Extravirgin - 16/12/2014 12:01 - Germany - Munich

Spicy

Today, I blew my load in less than a minute. I wasn't having sex or even making out. I was spooning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 613

You deserved it 8 241

Two-way street

By misspukesalot - 14/07/2020 14:02

Today, at 7 months pregnant, I have come to accept the morning sickness isn’t going to ease off. It’s so severe that I don’t make my meal choices based on calories or even cravings, rather on how bad it’ll taste when it comes back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 679

You deserved it 125

Can we be friends?

By lonely - 22/03/2021 05:01

Today, my fiancé told me that I need to get out of house and be with my friends. I have no friends here, and my own family doesn’t ever want to go do anything either. I guess I’m not a likable person if even my fiancé is trying to get me out of his hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 761

You deserved it 157

By mandie - 13/11/2011 17:10 - United States

Today, I brought my girlfriend of six months over to meet my family. When my grandpa saw her, he said, "What a waste of good breeding stock." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 391

You deserved it 2 529

By lababy - 15/11/2011 17:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, "From god." He came back with, "Daddy said it was from fucking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 668

You deserved it 21 027

By Sola - 11/05/2011 04:10

Today, I wore a Super Mario Brothers T-shirt to school that showed a picture of Mario with a mushroom above his head. I got suspended for "referencing illegal drugs". FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 082

You deserved it 5 039

By Loved - 25/05/2019 16:15

Today, my boyfriend bought me an engagement ring. It turned out to be the wrong size and we had to return it, since the store said it couldn't be re-sized. As we headed home, I felt guilty, so I turned to him and apologized. His response? "It's OK honey, I didn't really want to marry you that much anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 526

You deserved it 169

By Anonymous - 25/12/2012 01:31 - United States - Danbury

Today, I had to slowly explain to my mother that Americans are not the only people who celebrate Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 180

You deserved it 2 880

By Anonymous - 18/12/2014 15:34 - Belgium - Antwerpen

Today, I went out to a bar with some of my friends. They're all in committed relationships, but every single one of them got hit on. I'm single, and yet again, nobody even said hi to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 365

You deserved it 3 692

By kallens - 17/01/2009 20:57 - United States

Today, I was putting a wristband on a little boy's wrist so he could swim in the waterpark. Just before I finished, he coughed all over my hands and arms. I finished and looked up at the boy just in time for us to make eye contact and for him to cough directly into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 721

You deserved it 2 508

By coughcough - 14/07/2013 05:35 - United States

Today, after recovering from pneumonia and a severe asthma attack caused by my dad's fiancée's cat, he chose to keep the cat. I can't go to his house without having to go to the hospital later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 051

You deserved it 4 023

By gkid92 - 16/08/2011 16:16 - Canada

Today, I found out that if I don't get fillings in at least ten of my teeth within the next year, I could lose them all. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 416

You deserved it 42 970

By mikeyamazing - 28/12/2009 05:00 - France

Today, feeling festive, I sent everyone on my phone's contact list a holiday message. Almost everyone replied back "who's this?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 411

You deserved it 4 780

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Thursday 21 May 2009 9:31

...Why would you do that? They obviously only did it for the gifts.

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Thursday 21 May 2009 9:34

Wow. That was very stupid of you, no offense...

Comments

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Thursday 21 May 2009 9:31

...Why would you do that? They obviously only did it for the gifts.

tellithowitis 13

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Saturday 4 February 2012 14:40

Kind of like Kim and Kris's wedding...

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Thursday 21 May 2009 9:34

Wow. That was very stupid of you, no offense...

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Saturday 10 November 2012 13:28

What?? Why is it stupid? My mum and step-dad are getting married, and if I could afford to help out financially I'd be more than happy to. Or would you expect OP to know they were going to divorce after 2 weeks?

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Monday 8 December 2014 21:00

I agree with 107.

patts_ 23

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Monday 29 June 2015 19:31

You know, even though you say no offense, doesn't mean it won't be taken as offensive. Just saying.

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Thursday 21 May 2009 9:35

doubt they did it for the gifts, considering someone is going to end up losing money in the divorce. it would have been cheaper to not get married

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Thursday 21 May 2009 9:37

Kill your step dad and get it over with

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Thursday 21 May 2009 9:38

@#3 I'm pretty sure there was something along those lines. People don't HAVE to split everything in a divorce. Do you live in a hole? Humans are greedy, why else would someone use their kid's money for a two-week marriage?

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Thursday 21 May 2009 9:42

@5 no duh they dont have to split everything...someone would end up taking more than they should..which means someone is going to lose out

anonymous100000 17

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Wednesday 25 March 2015 2:30

isn't it in the time where they can just get a nullment? in that case, they wouldn't have to split up anything..

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Thursday 21 May 2009 9:43

#6 Not necessarily. If neither wants to spend too much on court it can be settled peacefully.

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Thursday 21 May 2009 9:46

rofl 4

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Thursday 21 May 2009 9:47

#3-7, every divorce is different, you don't know the family in this case, you don't know each other in this case. Case closed?

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Thursday 21 May 2009 9:48

Why would you even pay for any of their wedding. You are stupid, they're adults, if they couldn't pay for it themselves then they should have had a smaller wedding.

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Saturday 16 July 2011 18:31

How does that make her stupid? maybe that was part of her wedding gift to them.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 46

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 413

You deserved it 104

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 732

You deserved it 38