Kids: Today, my 9 year old shitblossom of a sister decided to wake... - FML

By Anonymous - 07/11/2015 05:02 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my 9 year old shitblossom of a sister decided to wake me up by hocking a loogie into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 672

You deserved it 1 829

Sorry…

BO Central

I can't quit you

By smellyhouse - 27/11/2011 10:19 - Canada

Today, my brother decided deodorant causes cancer. He goes to the gym every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 889

You deserved it 2 499

By iheartmorons - 14/01/2012 14:31 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend told me that he feels empty inside when I'm not in the kitchen. This is the most romantic thing he has said to me in the past two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 709

You deserved it 6 479

By anonymous - 12/10/2010 03:06 - France

Today, I woke up to a broken window and 3 guys sitting in my living room watching TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 107

You deserved it 3 069

By Anonymous - 13/08/2019 20:00

Today, my friend was extremely constipated when he used my toilet. I'm now having to go buy a new toothbrush, because he used mine to dig out his shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 115

You deserved it 141

By BellinaNico - 25/05/2013 04:40 - United States - Mcdonough

Today, I called my fiancé just to tell him how much I love him, as a sweet gesture. He yelled at me for interrupting his video game and blamed my "neediness" on the fact that I'm menstruating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 577

You deserved it 8 283

By Nicholas Laughton - 16/06/2017 14:00

Today, I saw the girl I've been crushing hard on. I go up to talk to her, and I'm immediately greeted by, "I like girls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 475

You deserved it 764

By Trainspotting - 03/04/2011 13:32 - United Kingdom

Today, Amazon didn't deliver the present I bought my mother for Mothering Sunday, so she called me an 'Ungrateful bastard.' And about half an hour ago, I cut my thumb whilst making her lunch. She said, 'You're doing this on purpose so I feel sorry for you. Well I don't.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 690

You deserved it 3 713

By SinkingShip - 24/09/2014 07:15 - South Africa

Today, it's been two months since I started a three-year contract at a new job. So far, 5 people have resigned. Pretty sure I've joined a sinking ship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 740

You deserved it 3 146

By Allergic - 24/01/2012 17:31 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife purposely eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to get out of kissing me. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 306

You deserved it 3 439

By SwimmingInFear - 29/05/2012 03:36 - United States - Havertown

Today, I found out where my surprise honeymoon is; it involves swimming with dolphins. I have a huge fear of dolphins, whales and sharks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 046

You deserved it 7 755

By lonely loser - 22/08/2014 18:04 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was so desperately lonely that I begged a telemarketer not to hang up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 680

You deserved it 6 748

By Not Wanted - 07/09/2014 01:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I'm moving out of the house. My little sister can't wait and I've never seen my dad so happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 864

You deserved it 4 658

Can't choose

By Blackmailed - 21/09/2021 17:00

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was cool, until I found out that the HR recruiter was my mother-in-law. She told me that the work was mine if I break up with her daughter. I have until the next Wednesday to think about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 013

You deserved it 72

By publicenemy - 15/09/2009 12:16 - United States

Today, I was first in line at a stoplight. After five minutes, with a line of cars behind me, the light was still red. People behind me started honking, so I decided to just go. Halfway across the way, I was greeted by a camera flash. Nobody else went. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 610

You deserved it 54 954

By but cum to think of it... - 03/07/2015 21:29

Spicy

Today, my extremely religious mom ranted at me, saying I'd only bought an electric toothbrush so I could masturbate with it. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 218

You deserved it 2 256

By ktm1313 - 26/01/2016 21:38 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I donated blood for the first time. It wasn't until I passed out on the ice during hockey practice that I remembered the nurse warning me not to do any type of exercise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 784

You deserved it 19 862

By brodinn - 11/04/2014 13:48 - United States - Florence

Today, I watched a drunk guy getting thrown out of a bar, then get tased on the sidewalk outside. He was our designated driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 255

You deserved it 5 848

By Tired - 12/01/2015 14:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I showed up to work at 6am, only to find out the schedule was changed. I wasn't actually supposed to be there until 9:15. My boss never told me this. I didn't get to go home either, he just said "Oh well. Get to work." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 337

You deserved it 2 958

By TooTallNiCo - 28/11/2009 17:36 - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my mom and we were talking about how to tell my brother that Santa Clause isn't real. After we finished our conversation, I heard someone crying. Little did I know, two little kids and their parents were sitting in the booth behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 975

You deserved it 35 971

By bobafett892 - 02/10/2016 17:32 - United States - Atlanta

Today, while working at a cell phone store, I helped an older woman learn how to use her newly updated phone. After trying to help her for over 20 minutes, she threatened to throw her phone at my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 070

You deserved it 834

Heavy load

By Anon - 18/12/2019 14:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that when I orgasm, I sound like I'm choking. Only I'm not choking, I'm just getting the wind knocked out of me by his weight when he is on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 119

You deserved it 370

By kerry - 20/01/2010 05:30 - Canada

Today, I found a piece of rice in my belly button. I can't remember the last time I ate or handled rice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 491

You deserved it 36 955

Owl be there for you

By No2ndDate - 01/02/2017 22:00 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, I went on a date to an owl sanctuary. Today is also the day I discovered my all-encompassing fear of owls, as I cried and pissed myself in front of my date and 15 other visitors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 904

You deserved it 1 529

By Jdub - 28/05/2009 00:51 - United States

Today, I went to a real Japanese restaurant with my sister and mom, where you had to take off your shoes and sit on the floor. After the meal, I realized my shoes were no longer where I put them. For the seven years the restaurant has been open, I'm the first person to get their shoes stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 206

You deserved it 3 591

By casey - 25/03/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I was sitting at home when I remembered that I desperately needed gas for my car. On my way there, I prayed that my car would make it the whole way, and was thankful when I pulled up to the pump, because I knew my car wouldn't go any further. Then I realized I left my wallet at my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 827

You deserved it 26 406

By Terri-Lynn - 30/05/2012 20:25 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 698

You deserved it 4 398

By ouchbrow - 10/08/2013 21:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to get my hair done. The hairdresser managed to catch my eyebrow piercing in his comb and almost rip it out. I now look like I have a gunshot wound on the upper right hand side of my face. I'm getting married in a matter of hours, and I still had to pay £100 for the hair cut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 774

You deserved it 14 713

My 21st birthday

By Anonymous - 10/01/2020 14:00

Today, my parents took me to a bar to celebrate my 21st birthday. They brought my little brother, but when the bouncer wouldn't allow him in, they made me wait outside with him while they went in for drinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 177

You deserved it 518

By secret meat - 21/06/2014 02:04 - United States - Framingham

Today, after being a vegetarian for 5 years, I found out that my boyfriend of 2 years has secretly been feeding me meat. His reason is that he thinks it's "funny" that I still call myself a vegetarian afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 832

You deserved it 9 798

Medicare for all, please

By Anonymous - 14/08/2020 02:01

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my 6 ovarian cyst rupture. The pain meds have already worn off and my vag hurts. I also had my gallbladder removed last June, and my right ovary removed last January. The staff here remember me. Most expensive friends I've ever had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 667

You deserved it 99

Going medieval

By hurley - 27/02/2011 10:10 - Australia

Today, I had my friends help me put on a suit of full plate armor for a medieval re-enactment. After the battle, my friends left. I can't get the armor off by myself and will probably have to sleep in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 987

You deserved it 9 910

By titou - 05/01/2009 03:33 - France

Today, well, last night, I told my girlfriend that I'm a light sleeper, and that the slightest disturbance will wake me up. As a result, this morning when I looked in the mirror I noticed a bunch of stuff written all over my body, like "You see, you didn't wake up!", "Nor now!". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 696

You deserved it 32 491

By Username - 28/01/2012 19:47 - United States

Today, I was in a Zumba class with a young woman in her 20s and an older woman in her 80s. I couldn't keep up with either one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 050

You deserved it 6 765

By Anonymous - 08/04/2009 04:03 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were outside tanning in the sun. I asked her if she could put some sunscreen on my back. Thinking it would be funny, she used the lotion to write "I Love Little Boys". I work as a children's swimming instructor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 572

You deserved it 6 220

By ... - 20/01/2019 02:00

Today, I yelled, "Fuck me, oh shit!" instinctively after accidentally spilling boiling hot coffee all over myself. My 3-year-old niece found this hilarious, and won't stop saying "Fuck my shit." Her parents are due to pick her up any moment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 146

You deserved it 726

By Anonymous - 27/01/2016 16:35 - United States - Overland Park

Today, at my daughter's fundraiser, I noticed that a guy with a face only a fist could love kept staring at her. I said "Beautiful, isn't she?" Before I could tell him to keep it in his damned pants, he replied "Hah. She's my girlfriend, dude. Total beast in the sack." Complete news to me on both counts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 682

You deserved it 3 309

By youknowyoureoptimisticwhen - 08/11/2015 16:45 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I went to McDonald's. I was unaware of the Monopoly contest that they were holding. I was also unaware that you have to get 3 stickers of the same colour to claim your prize, and that it's not that easy to win a Jeep Cherokee. Taking down my Facebook post was awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 624

You deserved it 20 063

He bangs the drums

By PhilDavisDied? - 30/09/2010 10:33 - France

Today, after pulling up to my girlfriend's house for dinner with her parents, one of my favorite songs begin to play on the radio. After my 3 minutes of air drumming, I look up to see my girlfriend and her parents bouncing with laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 109

You deserved it 34 966

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 23:39 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went over to my friend's house. We were teasing each other, when she stood up and began to jokingly walk away. Trying to be cute, I tried to pull her onto my knee. I miscalculated and she ended up sitting right on my boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 540

You deserved it 19 799

By Jaws - 10/02/2011 16:09 - France

Today, I got slapped in the face by my girlfriend with a banana skin, because I finished up the chocolate cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 749

You deserved it 38 513

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Top comments

arano 29

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Sunday 8 November 2015 0:48

Lmao. Shitblossom.

juicy_extasy 25

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Sunday 8 November 2015 0:46

Take it out of your mouth and stick it on her face. Ew!

Comments

juicy_extasy 25

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Sunday 8 November 2015 0:46

Take it out of your mouth and stick it on her face. Ew!

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Sunday 8 November 2015 6:34

Or he could just put a lock on his door....

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Sunday 8 November 2015 8:37

^umm.. OP is a girl, hence the symbol at the top.

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Monday 9 November 2015 10:27

cymbal

ad1836 19

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Sunday 8 November 2015 0:46

LOL Siblings

arano 29

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Sunday 8 November 2015 0:48

Lmao. Shitblossom.

Lalala579121 27

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Sunday 8 November 2015 1:17

Yeah, that's a new one for me.

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Sunday 8 November 2015 3:13

new favorite insult.

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Sunday 8 November 2015 6:31

"Hey how's your little sister?" "She's blossoming" "Awww like a beautiful flower!" "No, like a steaming pile of shit."

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Sunday 8 November 2015 17:58

The insults are getting better each time

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Sunday 8 November 2015 0:51

the thought of this makes me want to gag.

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Sunday 8 November 2015 0:51

Haha shitblossom. I have to use that more often.

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Sunday 8 November 2015 0:52

Okay, this calls for serious revenge!

tiggerlover100 27

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Sunday 8 November 2015 0:52

What a lovely thing to wake up to. But seriously OP that's disgusting and you should make sure your sister understands that not okay. I can't imagine how she'll act when she's older and she sleeps over at a friends house. Educate her before she has no friends lol

disturbedchyk 11

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Sunday 8 November 2015 5:48

or before she does something like that and gets the shit kicked out of her!

Alexandria79 22

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Sunday 8 November 2015 0:55

shitblossom. ..good one haha

TrippingOnAcid 29

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Sunday 8 November 2015 0:57

What is hocking a loogie, exactly? Is it spitting? Nice use of shitblossom!

obliviongillette 18

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Sunday 8 November 2015 1:06

That's what I'm wondering. I thought it maybe meant flicking a booger. :0

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Sunday 8 November 2015 1:07

its coughing up phlegm that has gathered in your throat and then spitting it out

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Sunday 8 November 2015 1:12

How do you not know? It's snorting phlegm and spitting it

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Sunday 8 November 2015 2:10

would you like some toast with that lung butter?

disturbedchyk 11

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Sunday 8 November 2015 5:49

it says on #10s profile that she's from England and maybe they don't call it that over there

HannyButterfly1 7

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Sunday 8 November 2015 9:56

I am from England and I do not know what this is either :/

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Sunday 8 November 2015 0:57

awesome! ha

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13

You deserved it 9

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 16

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 105

You deserved it 2 039

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 853

You deserved it 190