Intimacy: Today, my husband won't talk to me because he got mad when I...

By GonnaBeLonley2night - 13/09/2010 13:24 - United States

Today, my husband won't talk to me because he got mad when I asked him what he thought about 'that lame performance last night'. He doesn't believe that I really was talking about football. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 135

You deserved it 8 301

Intimacy

Stop talking!

Dementia or hate? You decide

Crossword anxiety

By supermanj76 - 04/05/2009 02:12 - United States

Today, a man came up to me and asked for a $50 bill in change? Being a good man i said "sure." I gave him the change and he gave me the $50 bill. As I walk into starbucks to buy a coffee, I handed the casheir my fifty dollar bill, she called the cops. It was counterfeit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 813

You deserved it 23 468

By Anonymous - 19/03/2019 08:00 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I've reached a level of tired I didn't think was possible. I've had less than 3 hours sleep in the last 72 hours and have not slept more than 20 minutes each stretch because my newborn is so unsettled. The baby has been peacefully sleeping for the last 3 hours and I can't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 966

You deserved it 262

By 360whoroscoped - 16/01/2015 18:05 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I had to repeatedly explain to an increasingly angry lady that no, she couldn't get an ultrasound by using a referral letter from her psychic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 652

You deserved it 3 102

By Chandler - 16/09/2011 19:26 - United States

Today, in a desperate bid to avoid going to the doctor, my young son ran into and hid inside a cactus garden. I had to drag him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 776

You deserved it 2 919

By Anonymous - 05/10/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I was on a plane with my grandma. A cute guy sat down next to her. She asked his age. He told her he was 16. She said, "Oh, that's how old my granddaughter here is." She then turned to me and said loudly, "You should switch seats with me, he's HOT!" Well, at least Grandma loves me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 160

You deserved it 6 230

By IVOaf - 26/02/2014 20:55 - United States

Today, as I tried to get out of bed, I got my foot tangled in my sheets. I reached out to my dresser to avoid falling flat on my face. I didn't fall, but I did manage to smash my fingers in the drawer while still trapped in the sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 505

You deserved it 4 845

By dexter - 15/01/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, I had lunch with a couple of my friends and a guy I like. Another guy I have a crush on came and ate with us too. After lunch, one of the guys I have a crush on told me the other guy I like is sexy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 609

You deserved it 4 928

By Wheredigowrong - 21/10/2013 04:18 - United States - Ankeny

Today, my son came home for the fifth time saying he didn't get the job, wondering what he did wrong. I looked at his resumé; under special skills was, "Keeping it real." Apparently he saw it in a movie and thought it would work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 108

You deserved it 5 434

Caught red-handed

By caught - 09/01/2012 00:43 - United States

Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 258

You deserved it 36 157

By GeeThanksMom - 25/02/2018 15:00

Today, I’m having knee surgery. I can’t drive for the next week because of the heavy duty pain killers, so my mom told me I'll have to walk to and from school. It’s only a couple of miles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 595

You deserved it 203

By smellyfeet - 01/06/2010 16:19 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 937

You deserved it 5 653

By Waitingtomoveout - 12/01/2017 17:09

Today, I had to remove my brother's pubic hairs from the bathtub before bathing my son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 356

You deserved it 750

No thanks

By Pinsky - 13/10/2021 22:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out from my best friend’s text log that my friend group has been discussing doing swinger stuff, and they deliberately excluded my wife and I. When pressed, my former best friend said no one wanted to see us naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 106

You deserved it 551

By wetsheets - 07/01/2013 13:01 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making me orgasm with a full bladder, therefore intensifying the experience. He was right, it was mind blowing. It also made me piss the bed for the first time in twenty-odd years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 911

You deserved it 7 644

By Anonymous - 13/09/2009 02:42 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend while looking at halloween costumes online for this years halloween party and said, "Maybe we could go as Bonnie and Clyde this year." He said, "Maybe we should go as a broken up couple," and hung up on me. He wasn't kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 446

You deserved it 3 885

Some things never change…

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Fresno

Today, I walked into my house with my friend, only to discover my husband, half-naked, and yelling at the TV screen while watching a soccer game. By half-naked, I mean he was only wearing a shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 975

You deserved it 2 918

By scared2poop - 12/04/2016 02:30 - Australia - Brighton

Today, like many other days, I drove 15 minutes away from my girlfriend's house to poop at the local McDonald's, because I'm too scared of her roommates hearing my extreme noise terror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 298

You deserved it 3 738

Late arrival

By Nikki Lynn Richardson - 18/05/2020 02:00

Today, I went to the store to go buy a pregnancy test because my period was 7 days late. I get home, go into the bathroom, pull down my underwear, pee and come to find out I'd started my period when I looked at it after peeing on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 382

You deserved it 292

By halloweed - 16/11/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 276

You deserved it 7 583

By Letteh - 19/05/2017 00:00

Today, my boyfriend transferred some money to me online. He put a joke reference of "Anal nice 'n cheap". We need to show a month-long bank statement to our mortgage broker tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 047

You deserved it 517

By Damn - 06/05/2012 13:53 - Australia

Today, I noticed my nephew has blue eyes, freckles and dimples which don't run in my family or my sister's husband's family, but they do run in my husband's family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 187

You deserved it 4 238

By Yocherrypicker - 29/07/2016 01:04

Today, I got my report card. My teacher gave me an F, and under class comments she gave me a U for unsatisfactory. So I got an F U from my teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 150

You deserved it 5 930

By fml - 29/07/2012 12:20 - Japan - Koshigaya

Today, I took my 2-year-old son to the ear doctor, since he'd stopped responding whenever I call him. The doctor told me that his ears are just fine. He's just ignoring me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 598

You deserved it 5 819

By VroomVroom - 04/03/2009 15:50 - United States

Today, at a red light, an old lady crossing the street fell right infront of my car. I got out of my car to help her. The light turned green and I was still helping the woman to her feet. An officer came by and ticketed me for "impeding the flow of traffic." FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 899

You deserved it 3 487

By wtf - 26/08/2012 05:03 - New Zealand - Invercargill

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by picture, during a game of Draw Something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 277

You deserved it 2 398

By swag papi - 22/01/2016 05:47 - Australia - Perth

Today, my pubic hairs were poking into my wang, I went to scratch it. Something bit my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 928

You deserved it 8 309

By May - 04/09/2011 04:08 - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend masturbating furiously. To Star Trek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 703

You deserved it 6 234

By Mycardoesn'tevenwork - 22/02/2016 20:16 - United States

Today, I was in a car accident on the way to work. I called my boss and told him I had to deal with the police and the accident report and didn't know how long it would take. He got mad and said I "should have picked a better time to do this". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 933

You deserved it 1 508

By Creeped - 27/09/2012 08:19 - United States

Today, I'm hiding from my creepy next-door neighbor. She constantly trash-talks my partner of two years, she's mentally unstable, looks to me for support, has a raging crush on me, and she drunkenly tried to make out with me last weekend. I'm two months older than her daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 743

You deserved it 1 799

By Tori - 15/07/2012 21:52 - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend that I've been diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Despite all my attempts to explain that he's wrong, he is totally convinced that my genitals have diabetes. This guy is going to be such a great father to our kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 709

You deserved it 6 312

By wtfbabe - 22/06/2018 05:00

Today, my husband's dick went in the wrong hole. And by the wrong hole, I mean another man’s anus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 612

You deserved it 538

Healthcare is broken

By Anonymous - 01/11/2020 17:01

Today, after driving 3 and a half hours to the nearest major emergency room, waiting 7+ hours to see my grandfather's bowel cancer specialist, we were told to go back to our hotel. Why? The triage nurse never logged my grandfather into the system, so his doctor went home at 9.00 p.m. when he'd finished theatre. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 192

You deserved it 53

By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 22:22 - United States

Today, my dad got a new phone and put me on speed dial. I have received several voice mails from him accidentally dialed. They are from him riding the train, in a meeting, having lunch, and, most recently, him taking a monstrous dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 287

You deserved it 3 312

By UGGGH that was my 2nd attempt too - 04/09/2013 21:14 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I took my driver's test. The woman administering it wouldn't even look at me, so trying to be friendly I said the first thing I could think of: "It must be scary getting in the car with someone you don't know!" She failed me for "excessive chatting." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 991

You deserved it 5 017

Run, run now

By Anonymous - 30/09/2021 23:00 - United States - Laveen

Today, my husband controls every part of my life and has done so for the last 10 years and I'm too much of a pussy to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 398

Great day out

By Anonymous - 14/09/2013 19:32 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I went to the movies with my husband and our 6-year-old son. My husband kept stealing popcorn from the guy next to him, to the point where the guy punched him in the face. The movie was stopped, the police were called, and my son is now inconsolable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 923

You deserved it 5 850

By Anonymous - 25/07/2012 10:54 - United States - Murrieta

Today, I told my son to go clean his mess of a room. He yelled, "Dobby has no master! Dobby is a free elf!" and walked off. He turned 18 a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 498

You deserved it 13 800

Call the cops

By Matt Steele - 04/02/2021 14:01

Today, after they said being a dad is fun, after saying that you got to do things when you were a kid… Well now, I'm at the lost and found of the city, asking, "Have you seen my kid?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 501

You deserved it 446

By negin - 22/03/2011 07:23

Today, my neighbors got a rooster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 090

You deserved it 6 736

By meandme - 04/03/2014 22:55 - Canada - Fort Vermilion

Today, I saw a kid getting bullied; a girl was hitting him in the head. After having an inner struggle with what to do, I tried to stop them. Both kids then turned on me, and called me a "hippo". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 619

You deserved it 4 425

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Top comments

Cinn_fml 22

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:03

If he really believes you're not talking about the football, then either you should reassure him that he does know what he's doing, or take the opportunity to teach him to be better.

rottentomatoes 7

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:01

ehm..

530boy 0

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Monday 13 September 2010 18:56

lol his pee pee don't work!

c420racer 13

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:03

Call him an idiot then do a biopsy on his dick to see why it doesn't work.

Schizomaniac 24

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:21

8, you're stupid.

imright24 0

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:37

#8, that doesn't even make sense.

imright24 0

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:39

#8, that doesn't even make sense.

mustardcat 1

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:50

guess he couldn't make it to home base on time eh

sourgirl101 28

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Monday 13 September 2010 20:31

Dammit 33! That's a baseball term. Get your sports right! Illegal motion Defensive holding First Down Fumble the Ball Roughing the Passer ARE READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!!!!!! Hell ya I am!!!!!

sarah48_fml 0

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Monday 13 September 2010 20:32

personally, I don't think he "fails." I'm a die-heart cowboys fan as well. last nights game was beyond frustrating. I was pissed. if someone said that to me I would be pretty upset too (even though it is true.) he may be acting a little extreme but he definitely does not fail.

sundayporch 2

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Monday 13 September 2010 20:35

You do realise that the husband thought his wife was talking about his performance in bed, right?

sourgirl101 28

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Monday 13 September 2010 20:37

I got so excited- I forgot the "YOU" And it's ALL about the "U" University of Miami that is! (I know we lost the last game) Dont make me cry):

sourgirl101 28

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Monday 13 September 2010 20:39

I got so excited- I forgot the "YOU" And it's ALL about the "U" University of Miami that is! (I know we lost the last game) Dont make me cry):

__ShAd0w__ 0

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Monday 13 September 2010 20:46

cowboys ftw

sourgirl101 28

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Monday 13 September 2010 21:04

Not last night. Cowboy's Offensive Coordinator sucks! Once they get that promblem fixed... then watch out! Go Dallas!

WiseGuy79 14

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Monday 13 September 2010 21:15

I can tell 43 really loves her football lol And if OP was talking about the Cowboys last night she was bang on Too many fucking penalties!

Jessi2487 0

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Monday 13 September 2010 21:17

im no scientist but im guessing OPs husband fumbled in the home plate

Tasanasanta 0

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Monday 13 September 2010 21:50

56- That is awfull! There is no fumbling in baseball and nor is there a home plate in football. Your comment made me cry inside :(

KarinaLizeth18 5

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Monday 13 September 2010 21:55

58 ~ She did say she was no scientist, lol. xD

EmmyGrangerDC 0

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Monday 13 September 2010 23:36

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry. That was funny.

acccccccc 1

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Tuesday 14 September 2010 1:05

cowboys suck!!! any one remember the cowboys vikings play off game last year? garbage!!!!!!!! *waits patiently for a dumb saints fan to comment*

KingDingALing 9

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Tuesday 14 September 2010 1:17

66- Shut up. Cowboys don't suck. The Vikings are really good, you can't say they aren't.

acccccccc 1

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Tuesday 14 September 2010 1:27

ahhh take a joke :P

acccccccc 1

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Tuesday 14 September 2010 1:29

ahh take a joke :P

KingDingALing 9

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Tuesday 14 September 2010 1:29

I was so pissed off cuz of the game last night... As a matter of fact, I'm still pissed off! >:(

MattBC97 4

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Tuesday 14 September 2010 1:43

yep cowboys suck.

acccccccc 1

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Tuesday 14 September 2010 2:31

dont worry :/ ive been pissed all year about the vikings saints last year :/ i cant get over it!!!

widder 0

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Tuesday 14 September 2010 3:11

daaaaammmmnnn. look-a-thoze tittyyyys

widder 0

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Tuesday 14 September 2010 3:13

(44)

Jessi2487 0

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Tuesday 14 September 2010 6:17

58 i didnt mean to make u cry inside but 59 is right i said im no scientist. btw i like ur pic.... so thats what happens when someone actually thinks? it never happens to me :(

caliangel 0

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Tuesday 14 September 2010 11:33

Haha!! That was awesome!!! Romo, TD pass to Roy Williams in the last seconds of the game!!! Celebration in the end zone!!! Wait...wait... holding!!!! Cowboys lose!!! LMFAO!!!

bobateme 0

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Wednesday 15 September 2010 3:53

lol Dallas did suck :D

maybeurbaby 0

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Friday 17 September 2010 0:03

wtf?

alwayspharming 0

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Friday 17 September 2010 20:12

#44 I believe it's die-hard, not die heart...ydi

mrahhhhh 21

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Monday 13 September 2010 18:57

wow that sucks yay first!

530boy 0

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:13

noooooope!

Annihilator 0

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:18

☆*:..(Failure).｡.:*☆

mrahhhhh 21

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:23

Sorry I have the iPod touch app, fml can't update as fast and I can't edit my comments; I'm not first :(. At least I'm first in the fml directly above this one in the recents list and second here :). Sorry for the FIRST I just have always wanted to be first like 95% of the people here.

530boy 0

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:31

I didn't know being first was a cool thing lol

EmmyGrangerDC 0

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Monday 13 September 2010 23:38

Hahaha I have the iTouch app too. I've never been first. I'm waiting for the perfect time to strike.... >.< :P

KarinaLizeth18 5

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Tuesday 14 September 2010 2:46

I was first once too, but I posted my first comment on an FML that had to do with obama. so all the trolls flocked to that FML because of the political relation and practically bagged on me. >:/ they told me so many hurtful things D; lmao! so make sure that you don't simply say "first" because that's what I did ;( or else people will murder you with words!! :O

mshooter 0

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Tuesday 14 September 2010 11:32

Lol. Where I live I know the exact time when Fmylife updates to new FML's.

jetco89 0

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:01

as long as he got his jollys why would he care if u thought it was lame.

starile 19

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Tuesday 14 September 2010 3:48

You probably suck in bed, 3. Your gf (if you have one, which I doubt) is likely not very happy with you.

bean_dip21 0

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Tuesday 14 September 2010 7:46

This isn't all that bad, he got to watch his game, and have a lame performance with you.

rottentomatoes 7

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:01

ehm..

YupImBack 0

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:02

Dumbass comment #1 and FAIL at # 2. But it's kinda funny OP. He'll get over it though

FantasticFin 0

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Wednesday 15 September 2010 13:45

your attractive...

Cinn_fml 22

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:03

If he really believes you're not talking about the football, then either you should reassure him that he does know what he's doing, or take the opportunity to teach him to be better.

Doopliss01 0

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:03

Hahahahaha well in his defense woman doesn't watch that many football as man do

omgmorganomg 0

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:21

..And you didn't get as many grammar lessons as others did?

OneHottBaby 1

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Tuesday 14 September 2010 16:38

I_have_no_clue 0

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Tuesday 14 September 2010 20:51

Spoken like a true caveman.

bachooka 5

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:04

obviously he didn't think it was good either or you frequently call sex a lame-ass performance. fhl if it's the second one.

Lulu714 0

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:23

FML for looking at ur picture

Tasanasanta 0

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Monday 13 September 2010 19:43

20- You're an ass-face

BigRed764 2

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Monday 13 September 2010 20:27

20 you dont even have a pic of yourself

Schizomaniac 24

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Monday 13 September 2010 20:31

20, it's funny that you ridicule someone else for their appearance, and yet, you don't have a picture of yourself posted. Are you an... insecure little bitch? I think so!!!! :D