By He who is free of sin casts the first stone. - 16/6/2021 14:01

Don't hate the player…

Today, my girlfriend confessed to me that she'd cheated on me with my best friend. I can't get mad at her, because I cheated on her with him before she did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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1561

Intimacy

Sex

Out of it

Commando

Buyer's market

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. "Tonight's the night," my boyfriend says. "I'm finally going to tell her I love her!" I got really excited, deciding i loved him too. Then his friend says, "Awesome! But what about Kayla?" I'm Kayla. FML

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By Vitani_Verci

Today, one of the kids at the daycare center I work at was so excited at the fact that his constipation was over, he felt the need to bring me his fecal matter, in his hands, to show me. Guess who had to clean up the aftermath. FML

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By pubemilkshake - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my boyfriend made me a milkshake. It was pale yellow with some black spots. He told me it was banana and poppy seed. After drinking it, he told me they weren't poppy seeds. They were his pubes. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML

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19891

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By crapgirl - United States

Today, I discovered the worst possible situation in which to get explosive diarrhea: on a 9-hour transatlantic flight. Next to an attractive single guy. FML

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71015

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By Pedro the Basuraman

Heist

Today, after 27 years of dedicated and loyal service, it finally happened, I was robbed at gunpoint at work. The whole heist only took about 30 seconds and the perpetrator took off without taking anything from me. I still don't get it. What kind of screwball would hijack a garbage truck? FML

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By FistFighter - United States

Night fight

Today, after getting up to press snooze on my alarm clock, I climbed back into bed. When I went to reach for the covers quickly because I was cold, I missed, yet still managed to pull back my fist with force punching myself in the face. I now have a bloody fat lip. FML

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By supergingerr11 - United States

Today, I was supposed to have a double date. My date didn't show. I spent my day in the living room waiting for the pizza guy while my best friend and her boyfriend made out. The pizza guy never showed either. FML

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By lolu - United States

Today, my friends threw me a Halloween themed party for my sweet sixteen. When I arrived, one of my friends jumped out from behind the door, dressed as Michael Myers. I peed myself in front of everyone I knew. FML

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By published_anthropologist - United States

Today, my girlfriend of eight years explained to me that the Egyptian pyramids were built by aliens from Mars. I have a B.S. in Biology and an M.S. in Anthropology, and I am working on my Ph.D. She thinks I'm an irrational idiot for telling her she is wrong. FML

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By skrillexblewme - United States

Today, as I sat down in the plane, I realized that for the next seven hours I would be sitting next to a priest who refused to stop praying aloud, and an old man who wanted to tell me the story of how the toothpick came to be. FML

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By patriarchal apparently - Saint Lucia

Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, my 3 year old kid wanted to do something nice. I told him he could pick up some of his toys. He washed my new Iphone instead. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Randers

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend freaked out and kept asking me if I was sure I wouldn't get pregnant, because I forgot to take my birth control pill last night. We didn't actually have sex; he apparently thought me simply missing the pill would magically get me pregnant. The hell? FML

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By foreveryoung - France

Today, a weird guy approached me and started asking me many questions. I didn't know how to get out of this situation, so I suddenly ran away shouting, "Stranger danger! " I'm 21. FML

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By dudewheresmywheelschicago - United States - Danville

Today, I had the most Chicago experience ever. While I was eating my delicious, deep dish pizza, someone was ripping the rims off my car 15 feet away. FML

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By thanks gramps - Canada - Whitehorse

Today, I posted a video of a dance I choreographed on Facebook. I got a notification a few hours later telling me that my grandpa had also shared it. His caption? "My granddaughter dances like a gay baboon and this dance sucks balls. Throw grapes at her." Thanks grandpa. FML

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By Anonymous

Please leave

Today, I went on my first date in over a year, and my best friend popped up at the restaurant uninvited. To make it worse, she pulled up a chair right in between us and started an argument with the bartender. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML

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By Mayshod

Today, I met my new neighbors when they backed into my parked car. FML

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By PunkChik27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying we're too different. His only example? He likes ham and I don't. FML

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By kennedygeeee - United States

Today, I found out my mom was getting remarried, to my dad. He's been in prison for five years because he pushed her out a window. FML

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By Gollumapparently - 13/1/2021 05:01

My precious

Today, my friend and I took an online quiz to find out what character from Lord of the Rings we look like. She got Arwen. I got Gollum. FML

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By McFuckYouTooCunt - Australia - Bellevue Hill

Today, a customer yelled, "I'll bash your fuckin' face in, cunt" at me at 9:30am because we don't serve the lunch menu at breakfast time. Yes, the 15-year-old girl in high school is responsible for McDonald's entire menu. FML

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By elle - United States - Round Lake

Today, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. After telling her everything I'm going through, she looked at me and said "You know... every five years or so I get a case completely beyond my ability to help." I guess it's been five years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the pills my doctor prescribed for my extremely painful period cramps apparently have a side effect; excruciatingly painful cramps. I feel like I'm being repeatedly stabbed in the ovaries with a rusty fork. FML

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By thanksmom - United States

Today, my mom paid $40 for overnight shipping on delivery of paint for my Art major dropout sister, but insists on making me wait two weeks for my diabetes medication. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking around town with the girl I have loved for four years and have been 100% faithful to. A girl thought it would be funny to approach me and pretend she was the girl I was seeing, and that I was cheating on her. My girlfriend believed her and broke up with me. FML

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By thatsmejl - United States

Today, I had to fire an employee because she constantly calls in, or is late to work. She became very emotional and I felt kind of bad, so I walked her out myself. We then got stuck in the company elevator. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents told me that due to my lacking height and weight, I legally have to sit in a booster seat in the car from now on. I'm nineteen. FML

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By thissucks - United States

Today, it's my mom's birthday. I woke up at midnight to be the first to tell her happy birthday. When I awoke in the morning, I decided to bake her a cake. Little did I know my whole family was going out to lunch to celebrate. I wasn't invited. FML

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By random - United States

Today, I asked a good friend what she thought would make me more attractive to women. Her advice was, "Don't be yourself." FML

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By payne - United States

Today, I found my daughter's brand new ipod touch. At the bottom of the washing machine. FML

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By unknown - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter's school saying that she had beat someone up. She's 4. FML

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By hornyloser770 - France

Today, I had just finished riding my bike when I ran into the girl I am secretly in love with. While I walked over to her I got an erection through my spandex biking shorts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. I had awful diarrhea and was almost done, when I noticed a spider on the ground. Being terrified, I took a giant ball of toilet paper to kill it. I realized then that I had no toilet paper left to use. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got into my car and realised that my CDs were no longer in my glove box. According to the police, the random key code for my car type has been cracked, and thieves can now let themselves in whenever they want. The manufacturer says they can't do anything about it. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, a tenant in my apartment block told me about a nice shady place behind our building where he often goes to relax. Curious, I went looking for it. It was a quiet and secluded courtyard. At least until a man came out of nowhere waving a hammer in my face, screaming in a foreign language. FML

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You deserved it

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By Lena - Germany

Today, my life became a lot more depressing. A while ago, some friends and I founded a "Forever Alone" club, because all of us were single at that time. I'm now the only member left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By awkwardpineapples - United States - Birmingham

Today, I found my sister licking all of the silverware and putting it back in the drawer. FML

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Top comments

By Plop | 13

#8001653 - Wednesday 16 June 2021 14:57

Well, I don't see a problem, only a solution: throuple, and lots of threesomes!

By Marcella1016 | 31

#8001645 - Wednesday 16 June 2021 14:34

Did she already know about you and the best friend? And it’s pretty cool now you guys can discuss how big his balls are because holy shit they must be massive 😂😂

COMMENTS

By Marcella1016 | 31

#8001645 - Wednesday 16 June 2021 14:34

Did she already know about you and the best friend? And it’s pretty cool now you guys can discuss how big his balls are because holy shit they must be massive 😂😂

By Plop | 13

#8001653 - Wednesday 16 June 2021 14:57

Well, I don't see a problem, only a solution: throuple, and lots of threesomes!

By kfchicken | 31

#8001779 - Thursday 17 June 2021 7:32

ah it's a beautiful thing when shitty people keep their trash between each other. better she cheats on you than a loyal SO

By HDTone | 1

#8009189 - Sunday 18 July 2021 1:31

Plot twist😳😂😂