Intimacy: Today, my hand fell asleep while I was masturbating. My own body...

By Anonymous

Today, my hand fell asleep while I was masturbating. My own body rejected me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6767

You deserved it

1570

Favorite

Intimacy

Judge not lest ye be judged

Hack it off

Eye-bleach please

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while trying to get my phone to charge, I shoved in the cable harder and harder and tried to wobble it so my phone would charge. After snapping the USB input from the force, I saw the plug was switched off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7669

You deserved it

44014

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was texting my friend. He has a history of depression, which we were talking about, and somehow, he turned the conversation to: "If we ever broke up, I would kill myself." I didn't even know we were even going out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42003

You deserved it

2976

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I was woken up by my teenage son pulling down my shirt and taking pictures of my breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39791

You deserved it

3303

Favorite

By RiverRunsRed

Gamers rise up

Today, I've been debating all day on whether I'm going to have to sell some of my video games to afford pads. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1543

You deserved it

291

Favorite

By raebay - United States

Today, after I bathed my nine month old, I laid her on my bed to grab a diaper. I turned around to see that she'd peed on my comforter. I then put her in her playpen to put my cover in the wash. I came back into the room to get her, and saw she'd taken off her diaper. She'd crapped in her playpen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33806

You deserved it

8323

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket while I was in the car. I didn't even notice it happen. Ninja cops do exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26614

You deserved it

6858

Favorite

By Mels - United States - Boston

Today, I found a great recipe for dinner, and emailed it to myself with the subject "Dinner tonight". Hours later, I'd forgotten all about it, opened my emails, saw the subject line, and thought someone was asking me out to dinner. I got really excited until I saw the sender address. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49894

You deserved it

15672

Favorite

By Alex - United States

Today, I realized my friends and I should be more careful what we say around my younger brother. I never thought he was paying attention until today. My stepmom told him it was time to go to bed. He responded, "I think it's time for you to suck one." My brother is 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19163

You deserved it

76670

Favorite

By Abby - United States - Watertown

Today, my employer gave me a gift to celebrate the one-year anniversary of my hire date. It would have been a really nice gesture if they weren't laying me off at the end of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2771

You deserved it

133

Favorite

By Fatty - United States

Today, the guy I've had a crush on came over to my house. My Dad came in to see how we we're doing, looks at me and says "Man... You've REALLY been puttin' on the pounds!", pokes me in the stomach a few times, and leaves. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34404

You deserved it

4150

Favorite

By anonymous - United States - Mundelein

Today, I went to a concert. One of my favorite bands was performing, and I'd had the ticket for seven months, with a great seat for the show. It was all going perfectly, that is until a guy twice my height sat in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27152

You deserved it

2194

Favorite

By southernluxe - United States

Today, I got my first handjob. She ripped out a pube. It hurt so bad my eyes teared up. She asked what was wrong and not wanting to make her feel guilty I had to tell her it was "Just so good." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41786

You deserved it

10568

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, I was talking with some of my friends who are girls. They were all complaining about how there was no good boys left to ask to the Sadie Hawkins Dance. Hoping for an invite I mentioned I was still availiable. They just laughed at me and invited me to come dress shopping with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43543

You deserved it

4773

Favorite

By mean mommy

Today, I was hosting a slumber party for my daughter, but I ended it abruptly and demanded that every child be picked up. Several pissed off parents and a sobbing daughter later, I’m the most hated. I made them leave after 2 of the girls bragged about losing their virginity. They’re 12. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1589

You deserved it

2073

Favorite

By Scarlett - Canada - Barrie

Today, while I was babysitting, the little girl wanted to show me a picture that her mom had just sent to the family iPad via iMessage. Trying to be helpful, I clicked iMessage, only to see pictures of her father's erect penis. She won't stop asking about the "hotdog" in the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37687

You deserved it

3583

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Pinner

Today, as always, I'm so flat-chested and childlike in appearance that my boyfriend successfully passed me off as his little sister to save money at a restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26414

You deserved it

2256

Favorite

By ouch - United States

Today, I was babysitting 3 toddlers. I wanted to entertain them by making them laugh, but nothing worked. Later on, I started down the stairs, but tripped and tumbled down. I realized I have broken my arm and bruised my knees. I also realized that kids think it's hilarious when you get injured. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39927

You deserved it

4734

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my professor what happened to the assignment I gave him several weeks ago. Turns out he lost it, and graded me zero as a result. Now if I want a mark, he says I'll have to hand-write it all over again, but that I "probably shouldn't bother," because it was "a bit shit, really." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28438

You deserved it

2394

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I tried to have a fun night out. I met a guy and we went back to "his" place, which turned out to actually be his mother's house. He introduced me to her. Two hours later, I knew his life story and had to do the walk of shame without ever getting anywhere near his bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52197

You deserved it

10207

Favorite

By Glassless

Today, I lost my glasses. I don't have spares but my girlfriend said I could borrow hers. She doesn't understand why this won't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4062

You deserved it

466

Favorite

By Momlovesme - United States

Today, I was listening to music while my grandma and mom were in the same room. I only had one headphone in. My mom, thinking I had both in, started telling my grandma how much of a "little bitch" I am. My grandma went on to say, "She's also a slut." FML

I agree, your life sucks

60120

You deserved it

17416

Favorite

By youonlyneed2squares

Today, as I was lying in my bed eating my dinner, my roommate says to me: "I don't know how to say this, but we need more towels. The room is flooding." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34071

You deserved it

2892

Favorite

By supermanxs1 - United States

Today, I finally jumped high enough to dunk on the ten foot rim. I caught my tooth on the net and nearly pulled my tooth out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28702

You deserved it

6298

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after struggling with anorexia for months, I got food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43018

You deserved it

7522

Favorite

By TimJack18 - United States - Whiteville

Today, in an attempt to be romantic, I kissed my husband as passionately as I could. After, he looked at me and said, "You taste like Chinese food." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29800

You deserved it

5173

Favorite

By dad - United States

Stop

Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year-old daughter texted me from her room, "Stop." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34279

You deserved it

82977

Favorite

By Anonymous - Netherlands

Nice try

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to meet the girl he has been cheating on me with. He thinks it makes the cheating more understandable if I see how 'hot' she is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

67343

You deserved it

6210

Favorite

By Volume_control - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having it off in his den, I screamed at the height of my climax, and from the family room came the roaring laughter of my boyfriend's brothers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9796

You deserved it

31101

Favorite

By zingle af

Erection for Protection

Today, I realized how sex-deprived I am when the thought of owning condoms gave me a rock solid erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4484

You deserved it

594

Favorite

By oh, feck off - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I missed an interview to work in a school as a teacher's assistant because the email inviting me to attend got buried among the spam emails. Oh well, back to my usual job as an assistant janitor. Yes, that's right, assistant janitor. It's the same job as a real janitor, but for less pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12020

You deserved it

1468

Favorite

By eemp - France

Today, I got sent to detention for saying, "That's what she said" after a girl in my class said, "Push a little harder" while dissecting a frog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33629

You deserved it

28153

Favorite

By goodbyefriend - United States - Worcester

Today, after a few weeks of smuggling a baby caterpillar into work every day just to make sure it ate and stayed alive long enough to turn into a butterfly, it finally did. Before it could fly free, a bird turned it into a snack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29378

You deserved it

5992

Favorite

By guest - United States

Today, my wife decided that to help her stop smoking, she's also giving up the things that make her crave a cigarette. Sex is one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51982

You deserved it

6652

Favorite

By Blondie - United States

Today, I got a phone call from a detective in response to my stolen car that has been missing since St. Patrick's Day. He told me that he had found my car, but was chuckling the whole time. Turns out, I had parked my car in a different lot. I haven't had it for a week. It was never stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16224

You deserved it

92676

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad got a hard-on looking at my best friend. He asked me how my NutriSystem diet was going. He was looking at my friend's boobs when he asked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24939

You deserved it

2481

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I told my parents I was pregnant. They yelled at me until I started crying. I'm 31, married, and I have a good paying job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30782

You deserved it

1930

Favorite

By virginat16 - United States

Today, I got a call from a restricted number. When I answered, it was a prank call. The kids on the other end had porn on high volume and put the phone next to the speaker. Way to remind me that I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33079

You deserved it

7753

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Bucyrus

Today, I told my mom I was finally going on a diet. She let me know how proud she is of me fighting temptation, by making my favorite cookies and dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25069

You deserved it

2638

Favorite

By Bouh - France - Paris

Today, as every day for the past few weeks, my husband won't have sex. His reason? We've decided to have a baby, and he reckons that the longer he waits, the more competition there will be between his sperm and thus the better the result will be. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51134

You deserved it

9286

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Silver Spring

Today, my friend took me tandem skydiving. When it was time to jump, he began crying, said he'd cut our parachute cords, then said "Goodbye, cruel world!" and pushed me off the plane with him strapped to my back. I pissed myself and cried like a bitch. He thinks his "prank" was hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27974

You deserved it

2911

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By wanted_2_want | 40

#7396135 - Tuesday 24 January 2017 20:09

Did it ask you "is it in yet"??

By RichardPencil | 30

#7396136 - Tuesday 24 January 2017 20:11

You do have another one, or would that be cheating?

COMMENTS

By The_Avatar | 22

#7396132 - Tuesday 24 January 2017 20:05

You should look on the bright side. Some people actually try and force the hand to fall asleep to get that feeling!

By wanted_2_want | 40

#7396135 - Tuesday 24 January 2017 20:09

Did it ask you "is it in yet"??

By RichardPencil | 30

#7396136 - Tuesday 24 January 2017 20:11

You do have another one, or would that be cheating?

By shewasashowgirl | 6

#7396153 - Tuesday 24 January 2017 20:36

Time to use the phrase "On the other hand..." as an instruction.

By Rawrshi | 25

#7396181 - Tuesday 24 January 2017 21:25

This is why you're supposed to alternate between hands.

By MindGames | 10

#7396193 - Tuesday 24 January 2017 21:36

Stranger danger

By abNormal62 | 23

#7396217 - Tuesday 24 January 2017 22:13

You know you are a bad lay when...

By DerrickJames | 33

#7396305 - Wednesday 25 January 2017 1:11

Loss of blood flow to your hand may be the problem.. you should get that checked out.

By theonecasey | 27

#7396340 - Wednesday 25 January 2017 2:24

Do you have "shot" attention span?

By Ray_of_midnight | 22

#7396358 - Wednesday 25 January 2017 2:58

This is an old joke by Woody Allen.