Intimacy: Today, I woke up after a heavy night of drinking, with my laptop...

By masterfail - 04/10/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I woke up after a heavy night of drinking, with my laptop dead on my chest. Apparently, I had attempted a bit of digital penile oscillation, but passed out instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 457

You deserved it 19 729

Intimacy

This Charming Man

Deception

Sounds fishy

Just a prank, bro

By sarah - 28/03/2021 20:00

Today, my parents wouldn't stop making fun of my shy bladder by camping out in front of the bathroom door while I’m trying to pee. As a result, I haven’t peed in 10 hours and my bladder is going to explode. FML

I agree, your life sucks 943

You deserved it 136

By missclitter - 09/04/2012 18:18 - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my boyfriend, when I had to go pee. Halfway down the aisle, I tripped, screamed, and fell face-first into some guy. My boyfriend is now accusing me of cheating and "flirting" with every man I see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 762

You deserved it 4 040

By slightlyslow - 02/07/2009 20:33 - United States

Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year old, I realized why the kangaroo's name is Kanga, and why her son's name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn't until today. I'm 47. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 563

You deserved it 52 792

By Bruja5 - 07/02/2010 05:15 - United States

Today, I thought about my boyfriend and all the things we used to do together years ago. Today, I also spent the day doing my now husband's laundry and watching him sit on the couch with his hand inside his underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 268

You deserved it 6 116

By Two wrecks one car - 20/08/2018 16:30 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, a woman pulled out in front me and I couldn't avoid hitting her. When we pulled off on the side of the road to inspect the damage, she backed into me. My car is only a month old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 054

You deserved it 142

By MadSon - 11/10/2009 02:59 - United States

Today, my dad had something to tell me. He'd cleaned out my bank account to pay off 38,000 dollars worth of gambling debt. My wedding is in 5 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 930

You deserved it 4 088

By Anonymous - 31/12/2008 03:21 - France

Today, my first (and only true) date ended with the girl saying "Thanks for dinner, I was hungry - and oh, by the way, I'm a lesbian". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 987

You deserved it 2 475

By Anonymous - 18/04/2016 19:28 - United States - Carlisle

Today, I performed a piano piece at a school play. Everything went well until I got up and accidentally smashed my shin against one of the piano legs. Before I could bite my tongue, I'd already yelled "Fucking hell!" in front of about 50 second graders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 705

You deserved it 5 127

By confusedbutloved - 08/07/2012 12:42 - United States - North Easton

Today, my boyfriend of seven months and I were looking at some pictures on his iPad. I saw a picture of a kid of about two years old that looked a little like him. I jokingly said, "What, is that your son?" Imagine my surprise when he said that it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 386

You deserved it 3 876

Mix up

By Anonymous - 22/08/2021 10:31 - Iran, Islamic Republic of - Pishgaman

Today, I found out that the person I love, who is also a friend, is now in a relationship with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 117

By hbt51 - 17/08/2015 19:56 - United States - Blue Ridge

Today, while out jogging, I was suddenly hit with unbelievable gastric distress. I wasn't wearing brown pants when I set out on that jog, but I sure was when I made it back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 946

You deserved it 1 935

By Seule - 29/06/2016 04:07 - Switzerland - Pully

Today, on a movie date with my boyfriend, it took me a while to understand why he was leaning on his elbow during the entire thing. He had an earpiece cupped in his hand and was listening to a soccer match. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 156

You deserved it 1 687

By RosaMaravillosa - 27/06/2016 18:09 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, after being constipated a few days, I used the restroom at a bar. It took a loooong time before I got out. As I went to exit the bar, only the employees were still there, waiting for me because they had closed 30 minutes ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 642

You deserved it 2 703

By southernluxe - 04/09/2011 09:36 - United States

Today, I got my first handjob. She ripped out a pube. It hurt so bad my eyes teared up. She asked what was wrong and not wanting to make her feel guilty I had to tell her it was "Just so good." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 816

You deserved it 10 587

By girlthatstoofat - 29/10/2009 17:28 - United States

Today, I recieved a message on MySpace from a cute guy I've been talking to for a while. It read, "I saw a girl in Old Navy at the mall last night that looked a lot like you, but she was much fatter." I was in Old Navy at the mall last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 240

You deserved it 6 869

Strange metric

By Anonymous - 03/11/2020 01:57 - United States

Today, I decided that I need to lose weight when I discovered I could no longer chew on my own toenails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 211

You deserved it 1 407

By bigblue51 - 22/05/2009 12:09 - United States

Today, while interviewing for a job I had to read over the physical requirements for the job. Later on she asked me how flexible I was. Trying to keep a straight face, I told her I was more flexible while I was playing sports but could work on it if I need to. She was talking about work hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 422

You deserved it 48 036

By WTF? - 12/08/2013 04:49 - United States - Mesa

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she had ever broken up with anyone. She said, "Yes. You." and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 259

You deserved it 6 532

By RatFailure - 11/01/2012 05:23 - United States

Today, I looked into my sink's garbage disposal for the first time since I moved in two months ago. Apparently, the putrid smell was not the food I've been throwing down it, but instead, a now what appears to be mutilated litter of rats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 437

You deserved it 3 730

Good guys

By Raquel - 14/12/2021 08:01

Today, I found out my husband was having an affair with his coworker. When I had a talk with him about it, his response in all seriousness was, “Lose that weight that you didn’t have before and I’ll stop fucking her.” I’d gained weight giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 585

You deserved it 278

By PainStressLife - 11/11/2013 05:17 - United States - Dublin

Today, I went to an over-crowded grocery store. As I reached the front of a long line, I noticed that a cart had been abandoned in everybody's way. Trying to be helpful, I moved it to the side. An enormous woman then shoved me and yelled at me for "pushing her property around." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 280

You deserved it 3 342

Company ink

By DoubleCrossed - 21/08/2021 18:01

Today, my boyfriend, who is also my coworker, broke up with me. I agreed to stay professional and civil with him during our work hours. However, he decided to report me for "sexual harassment" and "stalking." He showed them the "evidence." I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 218

You deserved it 129

By you're just creepy. - 11/12/2012 08:39 - Canada - Whitehorse

Today, I smiled at a new kid and started a conversation with him, just to be nice. He later sent me 24 messages describing how strong his love for me is. I'm scared to go to school tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 007

You deserved it 3 738

By Anonymous - 17/04/2012 20:53 - United States - International Falls

Today, I was sleeping in after working a graveyard shift. I awoke to my girlfriend sneaking her stuff out of the house. She planned on leaving her key on my pillow and taking off without any notice whatsoever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 308

You deserved it 2 029

By sleepy - 03/12/2016 09:54 - United States - Grand Forks

Today, I was the DJ for a company party that was supposed to end at 11 p.m. The company ended up wanting music late and my boss made me stay there until they got tired, which ended up being 3 a.m. I start work at my other job at 7 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 518

You deserved it 987

By Anonymous - 16/03/2012 01:31 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my school's crowded auditorium. When our single, abstinence-only ballsack of a Sex Ed teacher was announced to be stepping down due to being pregnant, I burst into uncontrollable laughter. My reward was aching sides and a week of detention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 784

You deserved it 7 622

By Anonymous - 21/05/2012 01:10 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, someone threw an open soda can at me from a car. It missed, so they circled around and threw an unopened can. That one hit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 017

You deserved it 2 016

By WTF - 03/12/2014 21:21 - United States - Conroe

Today, my boss at my new call center job said he'd gotten complaints about me. Apparently I sound "too black" and it's "upsetting" some of our customers. I don't know what that even means, but my boss said I need to "tone it down or we're gonna have some problems". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 080

You deserved it 3 770

By Anonymous - 19/05/2012 23:20 - Sri Lanka - Piliyandala

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said it was because my mom's lazy eye creeps him out, and that my dad hates him. She doesn't have a lazy eye, he's never met my dad, never seen my mom, and now according to his friends, he's been cheating on me for the past two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 996

You deserved it 2 534

Foot, meet mouth

By Anonymous - 20/01/2016 02:51 - United States - Mission

Today, I was talking to one of my supervisors at my new job. He asked if I knew a professor at the school I recently graduated from, and I decided to babble on about how shitty of a professor he was and how much I loathed his class. He then looked at me and said, "That's my dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 494

You deserved it 22 546

Money!

By Sheezey - 24/02/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, I went to the gym and worked out with a trainer. While doing arm exercises he commented on how impressed he was with the size of my triceps. That really boosted my self-confidence, until he leaned in to feel them and said, "Oh, it's just fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 324

You deserved it 6 759

By Brandon - 04/08/2009 02:36 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me from her parents' house where she is visiting. They were BBQing outside when out of the blue her childhood friend Adam showed up at the door for the BBQ. She asked her parents why he was there, and her dad replied that he "wants her to know that she has options." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 611

You deserved it 2 965

By Anonymous - 21/08/2009 18:23 - United States

Today, I asked my husband why he won't list me as his wife on Facebook. Apparently, it's because he doesn't want the high school friends he just reconnected with to know that he married "the biggest geek in the whole school." We went to the same high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 056

You deserved it 3 758

By OMGWTF - 13/08/2009 02:01 - United States

Today, while biking home from work, a 12 mile trip, I was speeding down a long hill and my jean pant leg got caught in the chain. It ripped, and then the rest of my pant leg ripped off. I had to bike 10 more miles half naked along the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 079

You deserved it 6 127

By XxEmoWolfiexX - 24/05/2012 21:18 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my cat woke me up, but not by kneading on me though. Instead, she woke me up by pouncing on the laser pointer my dad was shining on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 812

You deserved it 2 611

By 12incher - 15/03/2009 04:45 - United States

Today, I was sitting in math class when I glanced over to the other side of the room and the hottest girl in the school is over there. I could see her thong so I instantly got a boner. About a minute later my teacher calls me up to the board to do a problem. I wore basketball shorts that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 472

You deserved it 42 622

By dtmfa - 31/10/2009 04:31 - United States

Today, I spent the night with my guy, whom I hadn't seen in ages. In the middle of sex, he answered his phone, told me to be quiet, talked to the girl on the other end about how boring his day was, then left the room to finish talking to her. When he came back he asked if I felt like swallowing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 998

You deserved it 4 930

By Anonymous - 23/07/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, as I was putting groceries away, I went to open my freezer door which randomly gets stuck by giving it a good tug, and a frozen hamburger fell on my right foot. My right foot, which is currently healing from a sprain I got a couple days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 111

You deserved it 176

By mafiaguy800 - 27/08/2019 14:00

Today, I woke up to see my four year-old brother with a sharpie, trying to play “Connect the Dots” with my acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 426

You deserved it 126

Domestic

By baberuth - 19/06/2015 22:21 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I heard my sister screaming from the basement, "Don't you hit me, you asshole!" Knowing her boyfriend was over, I ran downstairs with my baseball bat, ready to smash the fucker hitting my sister. Turns out they were just playing Mario Kart and he rammed her off the edge of a bridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 761

You deserved it 4 467

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Top comments

KHADOOZLE 0

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Sunday 4 October 2009 13:25

"DIGITAL PENILE OSCILLATION" WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN? LIKE YOU TRIED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR LAPTOP!!!

stain33319 0

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Sunday 4 October 2009 14:17

your misuse of large words makes you that much more of a failure.

buddy51 23

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Sunday 4 October 2009 12:22

One word: AA!

the_pan1c 5

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Thursday 2 September 2010 22:31

teentee401 36

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Monday 16 June 2014 2:31

More like two letters.

itouchguy360 3

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Sunday 4 October 2009 12:27

ydi. if you can drink enough to pass out, you need profesonal help.

GriefBacon 0

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Sunday 4 October 2009 17:56

Everyone can drink enough to pass out. It's what alcohol does best. Douche.

Poppycorn22 0

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Monday 5 October 2009 9:53

Good lord, have you never heard of the term binge drinking? How old ARE you?

Undeadman141 8

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Saturday 15 February 2014 12:12

Are you like 8 or something?

hhhhh_fml 0

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Sunday 4 October 2009 13:03

"digital penile oscillation" wat

painfuldiodes 0

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Sunday 4 October 2009 14:19

it means he was jerking off to porn but passed out because he was so drunk

diet_otaku 0

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Sunday 4 October 2009 14:40

vocabulary fail. "digital penile oscillation" makes it sound like he tried to electronically move his penis back and forth. just say "jerk off to porn," jesus.

frozenshake 5

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Wednesday 15 December 2010 2:40

lol I thought it meant he was trying to have sex with the comp xD

bvbsoldier 0

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Tuesday 19 April 2011 4:25

me too!

McAninch35 9

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Sunday 4 November 2012 18:21

That's honestly the worst way of saying masturbate that I've ever heard. It makes me think you want to stick your dick in a fan

KHADOOZLE 0

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Sunday 4 October 2009 13:25

"DIGITAL PENILE OSCILLATION" WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN? LIKE YOU TRIED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR LAPTOP!!!

Ohnothingreally 0

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Monday 5 October 2009 1:09

L-O-FUCKING-L.

sophieehehexD 0

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Saturday 18 September 2010 13:21

that's what I was thinking :P

jujubanzen 2

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 17:26

Oh my god no he means jacking off to porn from his laptop

xoxcinderellaxox 0

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Sunday 4 October 2009 14:05

what the hell does digital penile oscillation mean?!

plexico 3

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Sunday 4 October 2009 16:48

I think it means opening the laptop just a bit and sticking your dick in between the screen and keyboard, and thrusting away. It's like having sex with a girl with vaginal shingles. Both activities require copious amounts of alcohol.

Rhythm_Man 0

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Thursday 22 July 2010 0:12

he was jackin it to porn. or using an oscillator. or pretending his junk was in a washing machine. it really depends.

stain33319 0

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Sunday 4 October 2009 14:14

you failed at jerking off . WOW

stain33319 0

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Sunday 4 October 2009 14:17

your misuse of large words makes you that much more of a failure.

crocko101 0

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Sunday 4 October 2009 15:44

Hey go penile oscillate your mom! YDI

jonny2x4 0

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Sunday 4 October 2009 15:56

The key word here is "attempted". He made an attempt to whack off. Since he was so drunk, he must have experience a case of "whiskey dick" and wan't able to get it up and just ended up passing out.