Intimacy: Today, my grandma gave me the 'abstinence' speech. I had thought...

By GrandmasWhore - United States

Today, my grandma gave me the 'abstinence' speech. I had thought she already left to go back to FL but then came into my room to tell me how proud she was of me to keep my virginity. I was doing it doggie-style with my boyfriend. FML

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Intimacy

And today, on Dr Phil…

Messed up

This is us

By wantontsu

Today, I had diarrhea in a Walmart bathroom for 15 minutes. Apparently, so did the guy in the stall next to me. He attempted to make small talk to pass the time. FML

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By Sammy - United States

Today, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My husband, the father of the baby, got a birdie on the golf course at the exact same time. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 04:02 - United States - Holmdel

Miscommunication

Today, I went to a going away party for a coworker. I had brought weed for the party and at one point a guy asked me if I have a Grindr. I replied, "No, I don't use those dating apps. I do have a Fetlife but that's it, if you want it." He apparently meant a weed grinder. Most awkward 3 hours ever. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Titisee-neustadt

Today, I'm the only grandchild who regularly visits, calls and runs errands for my grandparents, even though I live two hours away. I'm also their biggest disappointment because I'm not married. FML

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By minissaussette - France - Cergy

Today, my 4-year-old brother has a very strict 8:30 PM bedtime. Since I would have to walk past his door to get to the rest of the house, I'm not allowed to leave my room past that time, lest I tempt him to get up too. I can't even go to the bathroom. FML

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By Urinal Fresh - Australia

Today, I vacuumed my car as I'm trying to sell it. After the interior was clean, I sprayed some air freshener. The chosen smell was "new car". I think they mislabeled it, as my car now smells like urinal cakes. I have two potential buyers coming tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after three weeks in the hospital for a lung infection, I was released. On the way home, another car ran a red light and T-boned my car. Back to the hospital I go. FML

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By Drunk - United States

Today, for the first time, I decided to just be myself at work. My boss thought I was drunk. FML

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By CooBerry3851 - United States

Today, I went over to my friend's house. After knocking on the door, I was greeted by her hairy, 300+ pounds father in his underwear. He then hugged me. FML

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By Sherry - United States - Middletown

Today, my brother had a party with over 60 people in my basement. It turns out that five different couples had sex under the same comforter. The comforter was mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girfriend of two years told me she wasn't actually a lesbian and our relationship was more of a 'learning experience'. FML

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By TronCat8230

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time, and from what I'd heard he's super strict and uptight. I go in for the firm handshake after introducing myself while looking him in the eyes and I accidentally grabbed his junk. FML

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By Saucy - United States

Today, I got marinara sauce on my new white shirt. I went in my desk for my Tide-To-Go pen and started using it on the spot. Turns out orange highlighters look a lot like Tide-To-Go pens when you don't look closely enough. FML

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By Optimus_Prime97 - United States

Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML

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By Deweyboy

Today, since I needed someone to talk to about it, I told my girlfriend how my dad was recently diagnosed with diabetes. My girlfriend's mother then told me, in graphic detail, how her father's diabetes led to his toes being hacked off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that the "pimples" on my back weren't pimples at all. Because I was unable to see how bad they were for the last week, I never caught on to the fact the they were, in fact, ticks. FML

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By Wtf

Today, during dinner, my boyfriend slowly walked up next to me, got on one knee, and in one movement pointed at my feet and shouted, "WHAT ARE THOSE?!" FML

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By elmoisdead2131 - 9/2/2021 14:01

Hey, well, happy birthday anyway

Today, my parents took me out to dinner. I thought they were taking me because it's my birthday. Turns out they are getting divorced. They forgot it was my birthday. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I had been sick all day, so to cheer me up my dad drove me to get ice cream. On our way back, we hit a puppy. FML

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By bunnylover - Canada

Today, my dad and I were in the car when a rabbit scurried across the road, just missing us. My dad turned and said to me, "Well, it's good we didn't hit him. He gets to live another day." I then looked in the rear view mirror to see the rabbit running away from the cross traffic, only to be hit by the car behind us. FML

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By Holland

Today, my check engine light came on. I took my car to the dealership, to be told it wasn’t an issue, and I would be fine to drive and use my car normally until my appointment in 4 days. Four hours later, my car won’t start 45 minutes from home. I guess a $200 tow bill means I wasn’t fine. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML

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By xsnqw - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was sitting at my desk in school, and I was really bored. I started playing with the strings on my pants, only to realize 5 minutes later it looked like I was fondling my dick. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Richardson

Today, I learned it's a bad idea to text and smoke while drunk, because there is an increased risk of throwing your phone off the balcony and sticking your cigarette into your pocket. FML

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By ethawesome1125 - United States - Round Rock

Today, I found a $20 bill on the ground, so I decided to pick it up. It was actually attached to a string and was meant to be a prank by some kids. They failed miserably, so I took the money. They ran up to me and punched me in the balls for taking their cash. FML

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By Jim - United States

Today, I decided to ask my girlfriend of 3 years to marry me. I made brownies with walnuts and put an engagement ring into the brownie I gave her. Not only did she choke on the ring, but on the way to the emergency room, I find out she is highly allergic to walnuts. FML

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By really

Today, a customer left their shopping cart behind their car and backed into it. She then came inside and threatened to sue me personally for not sending someone to collect it from where she left it. After 5 minutes of her yelling, I finally got a word in edgeways: I don't work there. FML

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By HungryStudent - Puerto Rico - Carolina

Today, my 24-year-old, unemployed brother stole all of my food money and went out with his friends. His punishment from our parents? He has to pay me back when he gets a job. My stomach has to wait. FML

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By heathenhaha - Singapore - Singapore

Done for

Today, I became the center of attraction of my office floor after sending my resumé to my work Whatsapp group, asking them to share with their friends for job openings. My VP is owner of the group. FML

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By kittydead - Canada

Today, when I was at my girlfriend's house, I farted and blamed it on the cat. I forgot the cat died 2 weeks ago. FML

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By hinowdie - United States

Today, my mom found her CD of cats and dogs singing Christmas songs. That is what I'll be listening to until Christmas. FML

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By disgruntled

Today, I was passed over for a team lead role at work which went to my older male coworker instead. He repeatedly said that he only wanted the position for the money and didn’t care about leading. When I asked why he was offered the role over me, they said he had more leadership experience. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 2 years of paying off the insurance fees after an accident, I got rear-ended. It was the same driver who crashed into me the first time. FML

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By Jade - United Kingdom - Wembley

Today, after a week of rejoicing that my petty, passive-aggressive, bullying neighbours were moving away, I came home to find the "to let" board had been outside the wrong house the whole time. It's actually the people I really like who are moving away. FML

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By disgusted - United States - Logan

Today, I confessed to my coworker that I'm interested in her romantically. She turned me down, saying that I'm a great guy, but that she basically doesn't want mixed-race children. She said she isn't racist, though, so I guess it's all okay, right? FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur.' FML

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By nick - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I refused to serve a woman alcohol, as she looked underage. She complained to my manager about "age racism". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to my roommate's friend rustling in the attic without permission to be there. When I asked how he got in with all doors and windows locked, he simply said, "It's a secret." FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing Apples to Apples with my girlfriend and a few others. The card that was drawn was labeled "pathetic". Among other cards that were laid down in attempts to be similar to "pathetic" was my girlfriend's card. She won with a create-a-card labeled "my sex life". FML

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By Bestbirthday - United States - Bastrop

Today, my parents were supposed to take me out to eat for my birthday, but since their favorite child wasn't with us, I instead got a mini order of tots from Sonic as my birthday meal/present. FML

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Top comments

By SomethingWitty | 0

#81724 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:55

"...then Grandma asked to join. FML"

By LyuboLove | 0

#81727 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:56

i still wonder why people don't take more precautions when there's a possibility of someone being around who could potentially walk in on you...

you definitely 100% deserved that one

COMMENTS

By wowfmlife | 0

#81703 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:51

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Marysenjo | 0

#81713 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:53

awkward. very very awkward. umm.. at least you got to have sex? :/ haha

greatsarcazm | 0

#1037868 - Monday 21 June 2010 7:22

fake and gay. she gave u a speach on abstinence while u were getting slammed? WTFx?

greekgal44 | 14

#2525243 - Tuesday 17 May 2011 23:44

^^ thats what i was thinking...

By amy_shmamy | 0

#81715 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:53

then what happened?

airforce987 | 20

#836590 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 3:13

are you implying something naughty?

upintheorange | 5

#992181 - Friday 14 May 2010 0:40

menage a trois

By chimmy | 0

#81721 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:55

wow. that's embarrassing. whatever happened to locking the door though?

By King_of_Kings | 3

#81723 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:55

doggie style is fun. i can't blame you.

By SomethingWitty | 0

#81724 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:55

"...then Grandma asked to join. FML"

MysteryJoker | 5

#706666 - Sunday 6 December 2009 3:41

"then grandma died of a heart attack"

tigerlily33212 | 0

#2130403 - Sunday 27 February 2011 21:50

I agree with 153 :P

maevemcgrath | 0

#2228114 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 6:35

LOL

By LyuboLove | 0

#81727 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:56

i still wonder why people don't take more precautions when there's a possibility of someone being around who could potentially walk in on you...

you definitely 100% deserved that one

By Scheisse11 | 0

#81728 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:56

Good for you. Grandma needs to get with the times.

By llSgtScopell | 0

#81738 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:59

Whats with people and not locking their doors? Or do it like the old days and drive somewhere

sukatlife | 0

#1359150 - Monday 6 September 2010 8:35

I agree but don't have a lock on my door so I'm screwed

By sureway99 | 0

#81745 - Saturday 4 April 2009 16:00

Agree with Number 7!!!

And luck ass bf... -_-"
hahaha