Today, my grandma gave me the 'abstinence' speech. I had thought...

By GrandmasWhore - 4/4/2009 05:59 - United States

Today, my grandma gave me the 'abstinence' speech. I had thought she already left to go back to FL but then came into my room to tell me how proud she was of me to keep my virginity. I was doing it doggie-style with my boyfriend. FML

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Intimacy

Dad jokes, part 43884

White line fever

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By severely late.... again! - 26/10/2017 22:56

Today, as I got on the bus to commute to work, its front right tire exploded. Everyone, including the driver, glared at me while getting off. The next bus arrives in 2 hours. FML

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By Badchristian - 5/4/2012 04:17 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I went to my Christian accountability partner from church to talk about continuing to maintain Christian values. We had sex. Oh, the irony. FML

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By JasonX0656 - 29/1/2017 06:00 - United States - Kalamazoo

Today, my fiancé asked me to do some manscaping. I got a little overzealous and now I look like a 12-year-old boy with razor burn. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2015 14:19

Today, my elderly dad once again asked me to make a reservation at a restaurant for him and a younger woman he's been seeing. Meanwhile, I haven't had anything even approaching a real date in over a decade. FML

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By BrillianceSucks - 5/4/2013 00:10 - Canada

Today, I had to give a 15-minute presentation for a conference. I hadn't had the time to write out a proper speech so I decided to just wing it. My sponsor liked my presentation so much he wants me to turn it into an article. Now if only I could remember what I said. FML

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By ohcrap - 2/6/2011 10:05 - United States

Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 19:34 - United States

Today, I was in a movie when my boyfriend sent out a mass text saying that he'd just lost his virginity. FML

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By misoranomegami - 21/6/2014 02:48 - United States

Today, my mother came over to check on my new kitten while I was at work. She took a video of the kitten playing on my bed and climbing on my nightstand. Right on top of my vibrator I forgot to put away. I'm not sure if she noticed or not but she's certainly been showing the video around. FML

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By AnnaWusHere - 3/9/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, my 72 year old Grandmother informed me she's running for mayor. She's been going around town with home made signs all day campaigning to win mayor. She lives in my town. My friend called me asking me if she was high. FML

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By anon - 20/3/2015 21:43 - United States - Arlington

Today, I decided I would actually make use of my apartment complex's exercise equipment. My routine consisted of one mile on the treadmill, and 15 minutes on the toilet followed by 10 minutes of lying in the fetal position on my bath mat. Great core workout. FML

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By - 19/11/2019 14:00

He prefers the dog

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out of bed so the dog could get under the covers. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2011 00:41 - United States

Today, my mom looked through my browser history and saw Chatroulette. She thought I'd gotten into online gambling, and wouldn't believe me when I explained what it really was. After I insisted on showing her, the first chat window to open contained cocks as far as the eye could see. FML

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By oh gee - 2/5/2016 05:01

Today, my boyfriend keeps requesting that I make eye contact when I give him blowjobs. He won't let up about it. I don't know how to break it to him that his penis is too small for me to suck and look upward at the same time. FML

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By all arsed out - 6/3/2016 16:50 - United Kingdom - Spalding

Today, I suffered an uncontrollable sneezing attack. I have the runs. It wasn't exactly as bad as I'd have expected. Just a lot worse. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2014 20:36 - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

Today, I ate some amazing homemade brownies that my best friend's wife made for us. She waited till I'd shoved a third one into my mouth before she mentioned she made them with breast milk. Knowing her, I don't even doubt it was true. FML

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By ballerphilip23 - 15/5/2009 17:11 - Austria

Today, I was standing on the packed bus home when I had a speck of dust in my lenses. As I couldn't rub it out, I tried blinking it out for the next five minutes. Then the hot girl opposite me screams "Stop winking at me, you bastard! Don't even think about it, you ugly fuck!" FML

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By asuramaru - 24/10/2019 16:00

Knowledge is power

Today, at 19 years-old, I found out that kiwi birds aren’t actually extinct. FML

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By DWIcop - 3/4/2019 00:00

Today, while leaving our county courthouse after testifying as the arresting officer in multiple DWI cases, I hit a wrong way sign in the court’s parking lot. All the defense attorneys were outside, asking me if I was drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, I was playing ball with my student during recess. My first attempt at throwing the ball hit him in the head. My second attempt hit him in the crotch. FML

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By morethanredhands - 21/5/2012 05:56

Today, while in the bathroom, I started absent-mindedly drumming on my thighs. I didn't stop to think that people outside would think I was masturbating. FML

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By M. Moore - 12/6/2019 22:00

Today, I was gathering laundry around the house. I forgot my son was almost 13, and grabbed the very stiff socks from under his bed with my bare hands. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2013 00:28 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I learned my dog had eaten a roll of vet wrap, which is like a long strip of bandage. I learned this when she tried to pass it in the yard today, and could only do so with my help. It seemed to never end. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 03:16 - United States

Today, we were practicing figure drawing in art class. Our regular model didn't show up, so our teacher pulled someone out of study hall. And who did she pick? My ex-boyfriend, who stalked me after our breakup, which resulted in a nervous breakdown that put me in therapy. It was a long class. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2020 17:00

Every little helps

Today, I found out that my grandmother desecrated my grandfather's grave. 14 years after his death, she dug up his body and had him cremated so that she could sell his plot back to the cemetery for money. I was the one who found out so I had to tell the rest of the family. FML

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By bs_happens - 11/1/2010 15:28 - United States

Today, I found out that a water pipe at my work had burst over the weekend. There is absolutely no water in the building, including the bathrooms. It's a 9 hour day, and I took a laxative this morning before I came in. FML

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By shibs - 19/12/2015 14:30 - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I spent the only money I had left for lunch only to take two bites before a seagull snatched my burger from my hands. I had to shamefully start walking back to work with a pair of girls laughing at me and an empty stomach. FML

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By nopleasestopmother - 2/5/2014 23:03 - United States - Lake Mills

Today, my mother asked me why I disliked her and my father's nakedness in the family pool. FML

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By Ouch - 26/10/2019 22:00

Getting a head start on the Halloween look

Today, while washing dishes for my friend, I managed to break an unbreakable glass and slice my hand open on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2015 09:52 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mom got drunk and started crying at my after-wedding party, after promising she'd behave herself. She thinks my husband is an awful person who'll drag me into a life of sin, all because he has a tattoo and an ear piercing. FML

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By kekumbas - 5/5/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, 5 hours into my shift in a cafe I realized there were two stickers on my back that read: "Don't touch my no-no square" and "I wear diapers." I make food with my back to customers all day and I walk through the seating area delivering food. No one said anything. FML

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By blueballed - 29/11/2014 21:08 - Germany - Kiel

Today, after a huge fight, my girlfriend started coming onto me. I thought it was actual make-up sex and went along with it. It was great, until she suddenly shoved me off her just as I was almost ready to come. She smugly announced she was dumping me, got dressed, then left. FML

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By A.W - 24/6/2012 13:57 - United States

Today, I received an acceptance letter to Juilliard. After showing it to my mom, she tells me I can't attend because Robin Williams graduated from Juilliard, and he now has too much facial hair. FML

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By sobusy - 25/9/2015 17:47 - United States - Romeoville

Today, I had to listen to my coworker complain about how working 19 hours a week leaves her with no time to go to the doctor and get her bronchitis treated. Meanwhile I work 40 hours a week, as well as doing 18 credit hours at school, and she refuses to cover her mouth. FML

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By need not know - 19/1/2020 05:00

Still married

Today, while fixing my dad's phone, I saw Tinder installed. He's still married to my mum. FML

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By sashimieater - 31/5/2011 01:59 - United States

Today, it was the last day of school. My students shared what they thought of me. Expecting to hear wonderful things, all of their complaints can be summed up in a few words: I'm a liar, a killer of dreams, I need to grow up, and I was a big disappointment to them. I'm a first-year teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2012 09:58 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boyfriend found a take-out menu under my bed. It's probably been there for months. He looked at it and said, "Well, that explains a lot." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2013 00:46 - United States - Beaumont

Today, my girlfriend and I were going at it doggy style, really fast, when she started laughing. I asked her what was so amusing and she giggled, "I can't feel anything in there." FML

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By Awks - 30/11/2012 06:30 - Australia - Bendigo

Today, my grandmother and I turned up to a family function wearing the same outfit. FML

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By moduschic - 19/10/2009 01:38 - United States

Today, at work this woman came up to my counter and handed me gold top covered in gold sequins. I like to chat with the customers sometimes at work so I got all excited and said "Ooh! You shopping for Halloween?" She gave me the biggest death stare. Turns out she wasn't shopping for Halloween. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2015 17:14 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML

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Top comments

By SomethingWitty | 0

#81724 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:55

"...then Grandma asked to join. FML"

By LyuboLove | 0

#81727 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:56

i still wonder why people don't take more precautions when there's a possibility of someone being around who could potentially walk in on you...

you definitely 100% deserved that one

Comments

By wowfmlife | 0

#81703 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:51

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Marysenjo | 0

#81713 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:53

awkward. very very awkward. umm.. at least you got to have sex? :/ haha

greatsarcazm | 0

#1037868 - Monday 21 June 2010 7:22

fake and gay. she gave u a speach on abstinence while u were getting slammed? WTFx?

greekgal44 | 14

#2525243 - Tuesday 17 May 2011 23:44

^^ thats what i was thinking...

By amy_shmamy | 0

#81715 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:53

then what happened?

airforce987 | 20

#836590 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 3:13

are you implying something naughty?

upintheorange | 5

#992181 - Friday 14 May 2010 0:40

menage a trois

By chimmy | 0

#81721 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:55

wow. that's embarrassing. whatever happened to locking the door though?

By King_of_Kings | 3

#81723 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:55

doggie style is fun. i can't blame you.

By SomethingWitty | 0

#81724 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:55

"...then Grandma asked to join. FML"

MysteryJoker | 5

#706666 - Sunday 6 December 2009 3:41

"then grandma died of a heart attack"

tigerlily33212 | 0

#2130403 - Sunday 27 February 2011 21:50

I agree with 153 :P

maevemcgrath | 0

#2228114 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 6:35

LOL

By LyuboLove | 0

#81727 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:56

i still wonder why people don't take more precautions when there's a possibility of someone being around who could potentially walk in on you...

you definitely 100% deserved that one

By Scheisse11 | 0

#81728 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:56

Good for you. Grandma needs to get with the times.

By llSgtScopell | 0

#81738 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:59

Whats with people and not locking their doors? Or do it like the old days and drive somewhere

sukatlife | 0

#1359150 - Monday 6 September 2010 8:35

I agree but don't have a lock on my door so I'm screwed

By sureway99 | 0

#81745 - Saturday 4 April 2009 16:00

Agree with Number 7!!!

And luck ass bf... -_-"
hahaha