Intimacy: Today, I was getting frisky with my fiancée when she started...

By tdiz - Canada

Today, I was getting frisky with my fiancée when she started talking about her dead great-grandma. FML

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Intimacy

Dementia or hate? You decide

Our house, in the middle of our street

Miss me yet?

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got married. I received a beautifully wrapped gift from my dad. I was full of excitement until I opened it and found two taxidermied rabbits. The ones I had when I was in the fifth grade. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, at work I was looking for my lost wallet. After hours of looking I gave up and went home. The wallet then shows up in my mail box with an envelope marked "To the asshole." I opened the letter and it was filled with poop. My wallet too. FML

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By fatman - United States

Today, I was on a plane. The person sitting next to me was using the plane's wifi, and was on Facebook. They joined the group 'I hate sitting next to fat people on airplanes'. FML

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By robthebuilder - Canada

Today, while at work, I was asked to see my boss. I was informed that the company would be laying off 20 people, and that I was one of them. I was told I could finish off the week, then was sent back to work. Twenty minutes later, my boss walked around and handed us all Christmas party invitations. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 02:02

It's not permanent

Today, I have really big insecurities, and the ONLY thing I like about myself is my hair. I got it permed yesterday, and just now I used shampoo on it, and my hair is falling out. All 12” of it. FML

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By D.W.

Today, the new Apple update put all of the 100+ nudes I'd sent my boyfriend on his mother's phone because their accounts are linked. FML

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By failing - United States - Greenbelt

Today, my grandpa passed away. The only emotion my dad showed was anger, because my grandpa owed my dad money. Now he wants to take it from my grandma, like he's some sort of mobster. FML

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By Anonymous

Marriage (Dress) Story

Today, I found out that the company I sent my wedding dress to caught fire and lost everything in their building. I was going to be the fourth generation woman in my family to wear it. FML

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Today, I inadvertently gave passers by the middle finger as I tried to stop my glasses from sliding off my face. FML

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By scoold - United States - Dover

Today, my boss sent me a link on how to write a good resignation letter. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I decided to prank my boyfriend by putting a pair of panties in his coat pocket. I stormed in and confronted him with the "evidence". I guess the prank worked; he broke down and confessed to cheating on me. FML

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By babyeaternomnom - Canada - Brampton

Today, I caught my elderly neighbour skinny-dipping in my pool. FML

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By Bushfan101 - France

Today, the guy I hooked up with last weekend texted me that I needed to "landscape my front lawn." FML

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By Renzy

Today, my son got suspended from school. He's in kindergarten. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I paid $70 to learn from the vet that my cat doesn't have a UTI, he's just developed a fetish for peeing on plastic bags. FML

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By ForeSight

Today, my girlfriend wanted to play a game call "bondage bingo," taking turns tying each other up in different positions, and if we can’t escape, we get to take a picture. Whoever gets the most pictures wins. After tying me to a chair, she ended up leaving me there for hours. FML

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By PoachedFish - Lebanon

Today, was very chilly. My little sister felt sorry for my two goldfish swimming in the cold water. She decided to put them in hot water. They died. FML

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By lpilou - France

Today, I was finally able to get to know a girl at university who I'd been eyeing up for months. We had a nice conversation. We discovered that we live in the same area, and so we talked about that. I told her that the little restaurant under my house was really disgusting. Her parents own it. FML

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By taintedlover - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend admitted to my best friend that she basically just sees me as a dildo with annoying emotions. FML

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By mom2010 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me that he doesn't think cheating is a big deal because everybody does it. FML

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By WTF

Today, I was awoken by my neighbor pounding on my back door at 3 am, only to look outside and see my car engulfed in flames. FML

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By nokeys - United States

Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend after driving 200 miles to see him. While arguing, I told him I never wanted to see him again and left after slamming the front door. I left my car keys in his kitchen. FML

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By qwaynick

Today, my wife got her second kidney stone in a month. I gave her some pills to help with the pain. An hour later she started hallucinating, pulled down her pants and tried to pee on our couch. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan

Today, I broke up with the girl I'd been dating for two months because she started smoking. This is a deal breaker for me. I just found out from her friend that she started smoking for the sole purpose of getting me to break it off and now plans to quit. FML

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By MickeyDManager - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I tutored in high school in basic ENGLISH just received her PhD in Biophysics. I am now the manager of a McDonald's. I was also the Valedictorian of our graduating class. FML

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By whatzthehell - Kuwait

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. Then someone at work wouldn't stop whistling loudly and it was getting on my nerves. "Can the dick who is whistling please stop?" I asked. It was the general manager of my department. I'm still on probation. FML

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By Anonymous - Poland - Warsaw

Today, yet again, I got into an argument with my dad. I have a PhD in the subject. But he's "entitled to his opinion", for, as he said, he's read a summary of the history of the country in a tourist guidebook, and the general view doesn't have to be based on more detailed information. He also corrects me when I speak the language, which he doesn't know. FML

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By Karate Kid - Australia - Surry Hills

Today, I was showing some new karate moves in the park to my friends. I mimed a punch behind a girl walking past to show my technique and control, but she must have seen me. She turned around and kicked me in the stomach. To add insult to injury, her technique was better than mine. FML

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By CooBerry3851 - United States

Today, I went over to my friend's house. After knocking on the door, I was greeted by her hairy, 300+ pounds father in his underwear. He then hugged me. FML

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By romance sucks. - United States - Spencer

Today, my class was interrupted by flowers, balloons and chocolates. Then he sang to me a song he wrote himself. This was all for our one-year anniversary. It probably would have been the best day of my life... if I knew who he was. FML

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By stonesober - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that "going for a meal and going out clubbing" for New Year's means me cooking for my mates and driving them to the pub. FML

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By Alexea Luton

The eye of the beholder

Today, my boyfriend compared me to an unattractive actress. When I said it was sort of messed up to say that to me since she's not pretty, he said, "She's not as bad as you." FML

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By everybodypoops

"Pooping and Shit"

Today, while at a rest stop, I heard a woman in the stall next to me answer her phone and say to the other person, "Oh nothing just pooping and shit." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was docked and fined in my dorm building because of multiple noise complaints. What was I doing that was so noisy? I slipped in the shower and banged my head against the floor. Then when I reached for the towel rack to pull myself up, it broke and I slammed my wrist onto the ground. FML

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By WeightAMinute - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend who dumped me after 2 1/2 years because I got fat. The last two years I've lost 68 lbs, am happier and couldn't wait to shove that in his face. So, of course the first time he see's me I'm alone, pushing a shopping cart full of ice cream for a party later. FML

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By is_that_right - United States - El Paso

Today, I texted my girlfriend, saying "Hey there." She quickly replied, assuring me that she's not cheating on me. Uh, okay. FML

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By Backinzi - United States

Today, my 17 pound cat fell from a counter. It wouldn't have been a big deal if he didn't try to use my leg as a tree to cling onto on the way down. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, multiple people admired my elaborate face paint. This happens every Halloween, at least every Halloween since I got badly burnt in a car accident. FML

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By sociallyanxiousroomie - Canada - Toronto

Today, my roommates had a party while I stayed in my room, and that was fine by me. What was not fine was when a stranger broke into my room, asked to lay next to me, and then just went ahead and did it. FML

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By Sofi

Today, I canceled going to a party with my sisters because I had a secret plan to have a threesome. They left for the party, but soon returned thinking it would be no fun without me. By then we were already making a lot of indecent noise. They heard it all. FML

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Top comments

By omggitshayley | 0

#1537103 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 12:04

that's romantic.

By nikkired | 0

#1537540 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 13:35

You must not be too good at " frisky "

COMMENTS

By InDenial | 6

#1537101 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 12:04

Wish creepy man.

InDenial | 6

#1537141 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 12:07

Damn it iPhone!

*Woah

Smyth | 3

#1537848 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 15:19

Limp penis in 3...2...1...

stronghand0331 | 17

#1537990 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 16:04

Time for a penis pump?

Thawn | 0

#1538437 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 17:23

"oh baby your so stiff! you know what else is stiff? my great grandma!"

Boomshadow | 3

#1538934 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 20:07

And if it's NOT an erection killer, I don't wanna know.

Boomshadow | 3

#1538951 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 20:11

And if it's NOT an erection killer, I don't want to know!

By omggitshayley | 0

#1537103 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 12:04

that's romantic.

By karimkz | 0

#1537106 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 12:05

oh wow

By scenekid1119 | 0

#1537108 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 12:05

At least it wasn't their ex, let's hear about all your messed up sex stories lol.

By 3ddie_the_head | 0

#1537184 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 12:13

Whatever floats your boat.

validus | 0

#1538215 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 16:41

abandon ship!!!

By nomweed | 0

#1537231 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 12:18

o_O

By HamsteronA | 0

#1537259 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 12:23

don't be so selfish. console them about it.

By jharris123abc | 0

#1537265 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 12:24

510-541-1239;)

By InDenial | 6

#1537274 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 12:26

If that is your number I feel sorry for you because 1000's of random people have it now. :)

By nebula748 | 14

#1537278 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 12:27

GTFO