Miscellaneous: Today, I was sitting down in the hallway at school. As I tried...

By kentrm - United States - Atlanta

Today, I was sitting down in the hallway at school. As I tried to get up, I lost my balance and fell against a hand sanitizer dispenser. It then continued to squirt sanitizer all over the back of my shirt, drenching the whole left side. FML

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Miscellaneous

Walk on the wild side

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By Anna Lete

Today, my apartment was flooded due to a broken pipe, which caused a huge family of cockroaches to disperse. Did you know they can fly? FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 18:01 - New Zealand - Auckland

Lockdown fashion

Today, my partner got a lockdown haircut. He now has a mullet. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I worked a long shift at my job while feeling like crap, anticipating getting a promotion. As my boss was leaving work, he informed me that because I also go to college, the promotion was being given to another employee that I trained a month ago. This is the second time this has happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I applied for a passport. I was told the first set of photos I took were unusable because my face, particularly my chin, didn't fit inside the designated area for your face in the picture. My chin did fit in the frame, my double chin however, did not. FML

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By Anonymous

Excitation morning

Today, while I was in bed, my cat licked my nipple. It turned me on. FML

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By appleville - United States

Today, a customer at one of my tables left his phone number and a smiley face on the credit card slip. I was completely flattered until I looked at the bottom of the slip and realized that he had left me a $0.26 tip. FML

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By Jack - United States - Reynoldsburg

Today, I realized my girlfriend has been "on her period" for almost two months. FML

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By Greg - United States - Livonia

Today, I was leaving the grocery store when an old woman started yelling at me for not holding the door open for her. She accused me of being "everything wrong with the younger generation". It was an automatic door. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because a coworker had seen me reading magazines on the job. That same coworker was the one who offered me the magazine. FML

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By LadyJane

Today, I was trying to exercise more, so I went for a walk. I was quickly overtaken by a middle-aged lady with cankles, carrying heavy shopping bags in each hand. I'm 19, skinny, and apparently very unfit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while taking a shower, a spider fell from the ceiling onto my foot. I took down my shower head to wash it down the drain, and in the process, got soap in my eye and rammed my head into the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband laughed at me for farting in the bathtub; I lied by admitting to it. The fact is that I have enough back-fat to create suction against the bathtub. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my maths class and I had to sit through a slideshow of photos of our teacher's cat. The cat's name is Mr Cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I'm getting laid off. However, they're keeping my coworker who rarely shows up and sleeps all the time when he's there. FML

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By Kbizz - Canada

Today, I was excited about showing everyone at work my new piercing. It's in an interesting place in my ear, and its not that common. Before I had the chance to tell anyone about it, someone asked "Are you wearing a hearing aid?" FML

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By Username - France

Today, the guy that I have been seeing for over a year left on a business trip. While straightening out his room as a favor, I noticed he took his condoms with him. FML

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By jaxattax - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a fancy chocolate candy and I got angry at him for forgetting that I'm allergic to chocolate and threw the candy into the garbage disposal. Turns out, he had spent a ton of money getting a chocolatier to put an engagement ring inside the candy that I just destroyed. FML

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By UghDude - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my sister licks all the flavoring off Doritos and puts them back in the bag. FML

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By Single Again

Cunning

Today, my best friend called me to cancel our mall plans. I could hear that she was watching a movie in the background. I then called my boyfriend to see if he was busy, and I could hear the same movie in the background. FML

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By rapper in training - United States

Today, I was taking a dump in a public toilet, when a guy in the next stall started drunkenly rapping. He kept trying to get me to rap along with him, eventually bashing the wall and threatening to bust my face in if I didn't. I soon found out I can rap to Slob On My Knob pretty well. FML

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By CaptainStars - 29/6/2020 20:01

Bureaucracy

Today, I ran out of my antidepressants, and I cannot get more because my local hospital is closed, and I can't register online because the only way it will let me sign up is over the phone, due to me living in a rural area. I'm mute. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, I discovered that the vitamin I've been taking for hair growth actually works really well. Unfortunately, it only works on my leg hair. FML

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By Karmaisabitch - United States - Boulder

Today, I wanted to prank my roommate. So, I thought it would be funny to take all the toilet paper out of our bathroom. She thought it would be funny to wipe with my cashmere sweater. FML

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By Eric

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because I added an old high school friend on Facebook. She claims this person is getting in the middle of our relationship. I haven't talked to him in years, and he lives across the country. FML

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By ....... - United States

Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML

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By bakingwomannnnnnnn - United States - Redding

Today, I was cussed out by a customer who was unhappy, and he asked to speak with my manager. When I told him I owned the store, he said that that was the problem. Apparently women are "too flaky" to run a bakery properly. FML

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By Pissed - Australia

Today, in an incredibly busy shopping center bathroom with my 5 year-old niece, I was squatting over the toilet seat to avoid germs. My niece then says at the top of her voice, "Auntie, why are you sitting like a kangaroo?" I'd say the whole room pissed their pants laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving with my mom. She had some soda with her from earlier, and even though it was probably warm, I was thirsty. I ask for a sip, she hands it to me and says sure. And I get a mouthful of ash-and-cigarette-butt-filled soda. Apparently she didn't feel the need to mention this to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sick and laid up in bed, and my boyfriend decided to bring me some soup. Just as he reached the bed, he tripped over his own feet and spilled the soup all over me. FML

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By mat - France

Today, me and my family watched the video of my birth. In the video, when my mother sees me for the first time, she says "God he's ugly!" FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 14:02 - Hungary - Sopron

Bittie

Today, it was my brother's wedding so my mother-in-law was taking care of my 8-month-old son. When I came back to our room to check how things were going, I saw her "breastfeeding" my child. She said it was the only way to calm him down because he didn't have a pacifier. FML

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By pi_power_15 - United States - Spring Grove

Today, my football practice ended early due to severe weather. Not only had I misplaced my phone earlier in the day, both my parents thought the other had picked me up. I was in the rain for an hour and a half. FML

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By Anonymous

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Today, one of my UNIVERSITY students submitted an incomplete assignment file to the online learning platform. I emailed him, "You will need to send me the correct file via email, as the system does not accept resubmissions." I literally got as a reply, "So, what do I need to do?" Online teaching is hell. FML

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By Mr Hawks - France

Today, I decided to put my computer on slideshow mode. Did you know that hidden files are also read when you put slideshow on? I discovered this, as did my entire family, when my naked girlfriend appeared on the screen. FML

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By Terra

Today, I logged on Facebook and saw my friend who'd been engaged, then broke the engagement, then got back together announce their new wedding date: three days before my wedding. She also sent me a message asking if I'd move my date. We've been planning our wedding for two years. She got engaged six months ago. FML

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By EdwinOEF - United Arab Emirates

Today, I flew to Dubai, en route to my new job in Afghanistan. Both of my bags were lost, my debit card was frozen in London, the next flight was cancelled, and I can't get a hotel room. I'm in the richest city in world with no money and no room. Happy New Year. FML

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By ilik3catz - United States

Today, while at a family gathering for New Years, my aunt said she needed a flat surface to write on. My dad immediately piped up, "Why don't you use Samantha's chest?" I'm Samantha. I'm also 18. FML

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By chilegrande - United States

Today, I was mugged while on my way to the book store. I'd saved up for months to make a mega-purchase of study materials for my major, only for it to be taken away in a few seconds by some lowlife thug. FML

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By Heather212

Today, I sat down on my bed completely naked in front of my husband and said, "Man, it's hot in here!" while spreading my legs. He just blew on my vagina, asked if that was better, and then walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 08:08

Double standards

Today, the friend who I'm crushing on but doesn't like me like that back said she wants us to keep our distance AND got angry because I told her I joined a dating app. Now she thinks I lied about my feelings. FML

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Top comments

By arandomperson97 | 18

#6603079 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:36

Today, I, a germ, moved onto a new host bodies back with my germ family. All was going well until he leaned on the hand sanitizer dispenser. I am the only survivor. FML

By hipposteve | 21

#6603122 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:59

Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean

COMMENTS

By RickySleeves | 20

#6603078 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:36

Smooth.

By arandomperson97 | 18

#6603079 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:36

Today, I, a germ, moved onto a new host bodies back with my germ family. All was going well until he leaned on the hand sanitizer dispenser. I am the only survivor. FML

ThrottleJockey | 34

#6603123 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 18:00

I am Germ. Great movie.

ScarletSarah | 19

#6603129 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 18:04

Yes 99.9% of them died on this tragic day

fakedsincerity | 32

#6603140 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 18:15

RIP germ family. ):

momac86 | 17

#6604776 - Friday 13 May 2016 11:39

That. was. awesome. This germ deserves an FML

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6673669 - Thursday 18 August 2016 7:18

5/10 Never forget

By ccameron12 | 21

#6603094 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:43

That's to bad. Is there a gym shirt you could wear instead?

By mds9986 | 24

#6603114 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:54

At least you're back is germ free.

By hipposteve | 21

#6603122 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:59

Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean

By tylerbobsquare | 13

#6603136 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 18:09

I'm curious as to how you got the thing to squirt more than once to drench yourself in sanitizer?? Whenever I try to use the thing, I'm lucky if it squirts once.

By SarrittaRox | 4

#6603156 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 18:30

Since sanitizer has such a high alcohol content, your shirt should dry in a matter of minutes or so

False_Stupidity | 41

#6603569 - Thursday 12 May 2016 3:37

And smell good too!

By Tristan_Afro | 17

#6603172 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 18:54

Look on the bright side; For one, nobody will think you peed your pants since it's on your back. And now the whole left side of your back is 99.9% germ free.

WarMachine68 | 24

#6603438 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 23:49

#18 I actually just chuckled while sitting with a group of strangers

By gingerlover01 | 24

#6603188 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 19:06

this FML defies logic

By leadmenot | 11

#6603233 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 19:56

At least one side of you is disinfected