Miscellaneous: Today, I was sitting down in the hallway at school. As I tried...

By kentrm - United States - Atlanta

Today, I was sitting down in the hallway at school. As I tried to get up, I lost my balance and fell against a hand sanitizer dispenser. It then continued to squirt sanitizer all over the back of my shirt, drenching the whole left side. FML

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

Father material

Dad of the year

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's second grade teacher. He happens to write and throw with both hands, and wanted to share this during show and tell. Apparently, he didn't know the word for this is ambidextrous, because his teacher told me, "Your son just told the whole class that he's bisexual!" FML

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By grampsisgay - United States

Today, I was taking my boyfriend to the mall. In the parking lot I pointed out an old man in a vibrant pink sweater who was leaving by saying "He is so gay." My boyfriend got out of the car and walked towards the man calling "Hey Papaw!" It was his grandfather. FML

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By I'm an asshole - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I complimented a guy on his Van Gogh costume. As it turns out, he had an infection in his ear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, my book bag was so heavy that it set off my car's passenger detection system in the front seat. I had to buckle in my textbooks. FML

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By RensM - New Zealand

Today, I went to the movies. I was seated next to a woman who talked through the film and said: "Awwww" every time she saw a primate. I went to see 'Rise of Planet of the Apes'. FML

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By devakii - United States

Today, the power went out at work. As everyone left the building to go home, the owner came in to inform me that, since the phones were on a battery back up, I would be staying to man them. The phones rang 2 times in the 4 hours I sat in the dark by myself. Both times were telemarketers. FML

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By FathersDay - United States

Today, I told my dad I couldn't make the trip to see him this weekend because I had to work. I surprised him by driving ten hours, and while he was out, I let myself in with my key and hid behind the couch for when he came in. He walked in. I jumped out. I then had to call 911. FML

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By Devin - United States

Today, I went to see a movie with 4 friends. I didn't realize that I was the only one who didn't have a date. The theater row had just enough room for everyone but me, I got to sit in back of everyone else while they were making out in front of me for 2 hours. FML

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By rubberduck_of_doom

Today, after months of begging, I finally convinced my friends to go skiing with me. On our first run I suggested a race. Everybody loved the idea. Good news: I came in first. Bad news: I tore a ligament in my knee. It will be operated on tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while I was in the shower, my boyfriend decided to join me. We were really getting into it and he attempted to lift me up. Not only did I let out a massive fart, he slipped and fell on top of me. He won't stop laughing. FML

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By oreosaretoocool - United Kingdom - Cardenden

Today, I finally gave my mum an expensive designer dress I spent months saving to buy for her as she had been very depressed. However she has gained so much weight from stress eating she ripped it when trying to put it on, and now won't talk to me because, "I wanted to make her feel fat". FML

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By areyoukiddingme - United States

Today, I came out to my parents. They laughed in my face. FML

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By thedoc - United States - Amarillo

No kink-shaming on FML

Today, my wife was putting her finger in my bellybutton and making overly sexual noises. I thought this was all fun and games until I realized she was actually into this. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my elderly coworker was telling me about a long-lost friend, so I helped her use the Internet to look the friend up. We found her. Specifically, her obituary. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lehi

Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding my bike and swerved to avoid hitting a lizard. I ended up sliding into a bush and skinning myself, only to find my tires had still managed to cut the lizard to pieces. FML

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By fire0fisis - United States

Today, the police called because someone had turned in my wallet that was stolen. I happily drove home only to find that my house had been robbed and ransacked. FML

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By Amithatevil - Japan - Kawasaki

Today, my brother told my 3 year old son that cool kids call their parents by their real names. This wouldn't be half as bad if he hadn't also convinced my son that my real name was Satan. FML

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By Cat Ashes - United States - Dewitt

Today, I received an unexpected package from my mother. It contained my cat's ashes. Apparently he died 3 weeks ago and she thought this was the best way to tell me. FML

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By madeline9322 - Canada

Today, the lack of heating in my room has gotten to the point where I have to cuddle my clothes for the next day at night so they're not freezing when I wake up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, "sounds like somebody I know." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I looked deep into my wife's eyes and told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. Her reply was, "Clean your glasses." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I woke to my drunk mother trying to vacuum the lawn. FML

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By ciararow - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally let me take his dog on a walk, after two years of not trusting me to keep her safe. During the walk, a car drove by, causing her to run after it and pulling the leash out of my hand. Five hours later, and I still can't find her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Warren

Grandpa's got game

Today, I tried out the high-tech eliptical at my gym. The 70-year-old man next to me who was also using one went faster and longer than I did, and unlike me didn't stop for a break. FML

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By NaCl - United States - Duluth

Today, my mother-in-law came over for dinner. She decided to salt the food I was preparing without even tasting it first, then complained at dinner that I'd used too much salt. She then lectured me on the proper seasoning of food for the rest of the evening. FML

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By gdog10122 - United States

Today, I found out that my dad, thinking it was an advertisement, threw away a letter from the college I applied to. FML

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By ithinkicanmakeit - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I'm getting married. I have a big poofy white dress and, oh yes, the shits. Here's hoping I can make it down the aisle without rushing off to the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redlands

Today, the CEO of my company wanted to meet with me. I was excited until I found out she just wanted to bitch me out and personally fire me. Later on, I found out my boss had totally shafted me and blamed the failure of a big project on me instead of admitting it was all his fault. FML

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By shelly - United States

Today, I was locked out of my house and had to pee. I waited an hour for my boyfriend to come home. When I saw him pull into the driveway, I peed myself in excitement. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Schenectady

Today, I woke up on the couch and realized I had fallen asleep while doing laundry. Ran to the laundry room, and found all my clothes gone. I really wish I hadn't been doing a load of all my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have our first kiss with each other, but my dog decided to let one rip, stinking up the whole room. My boyfriend still doesn't believe it was my dog who did it. FML

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By Broke - United States

Today, I was entered into an online contest where they announce your name on the radio and if you call in within an hour they pay your bills for you. I'm unemployed, so I got really excited when they announced my name. My call wouldn't go through - I hadn't paid my phone bill and the line was disconnected. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I was at the supermarket when an elderly lady asked if I'd grab some coffee for her from a high shelf. The moment I took my hands off my almost-full shopping cart, she made off with it. I ended up getting thrown out by security after she claimed I was trying to steal it from her. FML

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By Anon - Australia

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I found out he was seeing someone behind my back: my ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nampa

Today, I took my binder on a short road trip two hours away from my home, so that I could study for my upcoming finals. When I got home, I realized I that had left my binder all the way there, containing my notes, classwork, homework, finals notes, etc. FML

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By deadman - 25/5/2020 02:00

Creeped out

Today, my mom came in my room to give me a goodbye kiss. Out of pure instinct, from hours of doing this to my girlfriend in this exact same spot, I held the kiss way longer than what a mother-son kiss should last. My mom actually had to tell me to "let go" before I let her leave. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent all day making preparations and buying food for my upcoming birthday. It's not for a party, though - none of my friends wanted to come. I'm preparing for the launch of the new World of Warcraft expansion. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while driving home, I saw a cop with a speed gun "hidden" by the side of the road. I went to slow down so the fuck-knob wouldn't be able to ticket me. I then had a brain-fart and floored the gas instead of hitting the brakes. Hello speeding ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lazily answered the door in my pajamas. It was my elderly neighbor asking to borrow a can opener. Despite the strange and unwarranted scowl she was giving me I obliged. It wasn't until after she had left that I notice my penis was completely sticking out through the flap in my pants. FML

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Top comments

By arandomperson97 | 18

#6603079 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:36

Today, I, a germ, moved onto a new host bodies back with my germ family. All was going well until he leaned on the hand sanitizer dispenser. I am the only survivor. FML

By hipposteve | 21

#6603122 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:59

Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean

COMMENTS

By RickySleeves | 20

#6603078 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:36

Smooth.

By arandomperson97 | 18

#6603079 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:36

Today, I, a germ, moved onto a new host bodies back with my germ family. All was going well until he leaned on the hand sanitizer dispenser. I am the only survivor. FML

ThrottleJockey | 34

#6603123 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 18:00

I am Germ. Great movie.

ScarletSarah | 19

#6603129 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 18:04

Yes 99.9% of them died on this tragic day

fakedsincerity | 32

#6603140 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 18:15

RIP germ family. ):

momac86 | 17

#6604776 - Friday 13 May 2016 11:39

That. was. awesome. This germ deserves an FML

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6673669 - Thursday 18 August 2016 7:18

5/10 Never forget

By ccameron12 | 21

#6603094 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:43

That's to bad. Is there a gym shirt you could wear instead?

By mds9986 | 24

#6603114 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:54

At least you're back is germ free.

By hipposteve | 21

#6603122 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:59

Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean

By tylerbobsquare | 13

#6603136 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 18:09

I'm curious as to how you got the thing to squirt more than once to drench yourself in sanitizer?? Whenever I try to use the thing, I'm lucky if it squirts once.

By SarrittaRox | 4

#6603156 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 18:30

Since sanitizer has such a high alcohol content, your shirt should dry in a matter of minutes or so

False_Stupidity | 41

#6603569 - Thursday 12 May 2016 3:37

And smell good too!

By Tristan_Afro | 17

#6603172 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 18:54

Look on the bright side; For one, nobody will think you peed your pants since it's on your back. And now the whole left side of your back is 99.9% germ free.

WarMachine68 | 24

#6603438 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 23:49

#18 I actually just chuckled while sitting with a group of strangers

By gingerlover01 | 24

#6603188 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 19:06

this FML defies logic

By leadmenot | 11

#6603233 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 19:56

At least one side of you is disinfected