Miscellaneous: Today, my girlfriend tried to clean out the fireplace with a... - FML

By blck - United States

Today, my girlfriend tried to clean out the fireplace with a vacuum cleaner, she sucked up a bunch of embers which set the vacuum on fire. After a crying for a bit, she went back to finish cleaning up only to find that some embers she dumped in a bucket melted through and set part of the carpet on fire. FML

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Commando

On the beat

Assumption Day

By Scarred for life

Frozen

Today, while volunteering at a senior care center, I witnessed a woman begin to remove her trousers. Then she began tearing apart her diaper. She then began to explore her body. I was unable to stop her. FML

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By Singleforever - United States - West Hartford

Today, I finally matched with someone on Tinder after using it for a month. I sent a message and they unmatched. FML

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By katsaysner - United States - Unity

Today, I got the best grade in class on my economics midterm. Rather than tell me I did a good job, my professor criticized me in front of everyone about how I was working "too hard". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I shaved my beard off. Turns out the skin under my beard is six shades lighter than the rest of my face. I look completely ridiculous. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, while in class, I desperately had to fart. Someone in the room had a coughing fit, so I took that as the chance to let it out. When I was about to release, the coughing stopped. I couldn't stop in time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, I was trying to show my family a cool website. Unfortunately my porn instincts kicked in and I started typing the URL of my favorite porn site. I couldn't stop myself before it autocompleted. FML

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By ouch - United States - Sterling

Today, I spontaneously got my ear pierced. By spontaneously, I mean my 12-year-old sister stabbed one of her earrings into my ear while I was sleeping. She claimed the freckle on my earlobe looks "exactly the same" as the hole from her ear piercing. FML

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By blackvogue - Canada

Today, I got up early to prank my family. I put a bucket of ice water on top of a door frame so whoever walked through would get an icy surprise. After I was done, I went back to bed. I woke up groggy and disoriented like always and walked right through the doorway I had rigged. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, I'm neck-deep in debt paying for med school. What's worse, the professors here are so terrible that even the morons on Yahoo Answers are 100 times better at explaining my coursework to me. FML

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By superfiedman - United States

Today, I came home at noon from a long night out. I was surprised to see a woman I didn't recognize standing in my living room in a brown dress and heels. As I walked up to the door and knocked to be let in, the woman whipped around and I figured out who it was. My dad. FML

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By best friend! - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that she has been sleeping with my boyfriend. She tried to justify it by saying, "He's just going to break up with you anyway." FML

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By htothecr - United States

Today, I was holding a lit cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other. Guess which one I licked? FML

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By A-64 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, against my wishes, my son snuck out of my house to go partying. When he came home, I called him in so I could properly discipline him. While I was talking, he staggered to our fish tank, pulled open the lid, and vomited straight into it. FML

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By omg - Canada

Today, I got a call from my 8 year old son's teacher. Apparently, my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his "special area." FML

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By lynn777 - Canada

Today, I was walking home through the slush and snow when a car drove by, soaking me with dirty water. Frustrated, I flipped him off. He then turned around and splashed me again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Louisville

Today, a man I once worked with passed away. He was a lovely, caring, and inspirational person whom I looked up to. My husband's form of consolation? "Old people die. Get over it." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got fired from my job. My boss is my brother. His reason being that, "it would create awkward tension between us." I've been working for him for 5 years, and it's like he's only just realised that I was there. FML

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By pale-suzie - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I was fired over the phone, losing my only source of income. When asked if I was okay, I explained that although I understood why, I was a little peeved they'd chosen my birthday to deliver the message. My - now former - boss then sang "Happy Birthday" to me in its entirety. FML

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By djkimmaz - United Kingdom

Today, my mom, who is relatively new to Facebook, posted on her friend's wall, telling her about her recent diagnosis of vaginal thrush. She assumed that her wall post was private. Six of my friends liked the post. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I stretched really hard when I woke up, only to feel something twang. This was followed by a really sharp pain. Thinking I'd given myself a hernia, I got up to check myself in the mirror, and was repulsed by the bulge I saw hanging out of my gut. Then I realised it was just my own flab. FML

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By Partners - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his friends as his "sex partner." FML

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By awilson - United States

Today, I was eating MandMs on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see my hand on my crotch and me muttering, "Where is that little bastard?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Marsing

Today, I told my boyfriend that I've missed my period, and that I think I might be pregnant. He started panicking and ended up puking in the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I had to explain to my teenage daughter that The Interview wasn't a documentary and that Kim Jong-un wasn't actually assassinated by a pair of goofy reporters. FML

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By ricard0 - United States - Petaluma

Today, I fell asleep on the couch, only to wake up later with my dog's tongue over my mouth. That was my first ever kiss. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Somerton

Today, I woke up following one of the worst nightmares of my life. I was sweating, clutching the sheets, and feeling sick to the stomach. I'd been dreaming of my wedding that's taking place next week. FML

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By Toroka

Today, I had to spend two hours in the car with my mother. That doesn't sound so bad until you realize she's the kind of person who can, and did, spend nearly half an hour ranting about how the Big Beautiful Woman porn niche is the root of obesity in America. FML

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By Fatty Fatty Fatso - United States - Somers

Today, I learned that my mother counts my jeans as two pairs when she counts how many she's putting in for a load of wash. I've gotten that fat. FML

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By booksandshadows - United States - San Diego

Today, while walking through Wal-Mart I noticed a cute employee. With a sudden burst of confidence, I walked right up to him, intending to ask for his number. Instead, I looked him in the eye and said, "Excuse me sir, how much do you know about bedsheets?" and then ran. FML

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By myownperson - United States

Today, I ordered food at McDonald's. I'm on crutches, and a guy offered to carry my tray to the table. He rushed out with my food. FML

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By single - United States - San Jose

Today, my girlfriend got paid by the richest guy in our school to go to the Winter Formal with him. She took up the offer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends commented on how small my boobs are. My boyfriend defended me, saying it was only because I was wearing a sports bra. I wasn't. It was the push-up bra he bought me. FML

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By backtothelaundrettethen - Germany

Today, I bought some expensive fabric softener since I'm not too keen on my detergent's smell. Only after washing two weeks worth of laundry did I discover that mixed together they realistically mimic the smell of fresh puke. FML

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By TCRII

Today, my girlfriend came over, drank half a bottle of Jack Daniels and pissed in my sink. I broke up with her and went out with friends. I met a woman and brought her home to watch a movie. She drank a bottle of wine and puked on my couch. FML

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By what the fuck, mate - Australia

Today, I started working my crappy, minimum-wage retail job at a local electronics store. An hour into my shift, my boss sent me to scrub out a discount bin, after some drunk cunt in his teens staggered into the place yelling, and puked his guts into it. What a life. FML

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By maxus - United States

Today, I was babysitting my nephew. He was watching the episode where Spongebob smashes his guitar while playing. I walk into the kitchen to make him a snack, and I hear a loud crash... My nephew smashing my brand new guitar to be like Spongebob. FML

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By Roma-Jay - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, while trying to look cute and playing with my hair in front of a boy, I pulled a piece of my hair extension out. FML

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By Marie - 20/1/2021 05:01

Freaky

Today, I have been finding long black hairs all over my bathroom. My hair is short and blonde, and I live alone. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain

Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. The waiter brought some bread and I started eating it as I waited for him to take my order. When he approached me he looked at me and said, "Don't eat too much bread honey. It'll make you fatter." Not fat, fatter. I never thought of myself as fat. FML

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By payne - United States

Today, I found my daughter's brand new ipod touch. At the bottom of the washing machine. FML

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Top comments

By csigabajnok | 0

#240 - Thursday 5 February 2009 6:26

OMG, that's so dumb

By Emkaye | 0

#360 - Friday 6 February 2009 2:36

My mom did the same blasted thing, except we had a central vacuum, which ended up setting our basement on fire. The house smelled like soot for the next two months.

COMMENTS

By csigabajnok | 0

#240 - Thursday 5 February 2009 6:26

OMG, that's so dumb

Reply

Epic_Phale615 | 0

#909847 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 4:50

I think he needs to stop dating blonds?

Reply

look_its_me | 0

#969706 - Sunday 28 March 2010 6:41

the real question here is: what was she doing out of the kitchen??

Reply

haleyisawsomee | 0

#987087 - Sunday 2 May 2010 1:05

why was she crying?

Reply

alicianoar | 7

#1045805 - Sunday 27 June 2010 7:25

lol at #32

Reply

aubrey1 | 0

#2634514 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 3:30

Smart girlfriend bro. Hope she fucks good.

By Emkaye | 0

#360 - Friday 6 February 2009 2:36

My mom did the same blasted thing, except we had a central vacuum, which ended up setting our basement on fire. The house smelled like soot for the next two months.

By potentpotable | 0

#6536 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 19:12

Dump her!

By xFusionBluex | 0

#36853 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 6:07

i have to know... is she blond... (no insults intended)

By Zwink | 0

#61556 - Friday 27 March 2009 3:02

ok thats just sad and wow no just wow stupid

By atomicmrpelly | 2

#95797 - Thursday 9 April 2009 14:00

I just... it... you...

The mind boggles!!!

By ticktockigoboom | 0

#100185 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:19

She's a moron and sounds like she has a submissive personality. I would dump her and go find a real woman that didn't drop out of high school.

By rc15 | 0

#112595 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 4:32

wow she is not that bright

By sarah__tehe__ | 0

#141729 - Saturday 25 April 2009 13:09

what a fucking idiot.... i mean, comeon.. you use a METAL bucket for embers, for future reference

By Grotesque | 0

#178712 - Friday 8 May 2009 3:22

Lol your girlfriend is mentally retarded.