Miscellaneous: Today, my girlfriend tried to clean out the fireplace with a... - FML

By blck - United States

Today, my girlfriend tried to clean out the fireplace with a vacuum cleaner, she sucked up a bunch of embers which set the vacuum on fire. After a crying for a bit, she went back to finish cleaning up only to find that some embers she dumped in a bucket melted through and set part of the carpet on fire. FML

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Proactive

And today, on Dr Phil…

Empathy hurts

By turnedoff - United States

Today, I kindly asked my boyfriend to shave his pubic hair to make oral sex more enjoyable for me. He declined, saying, "Think of it as flossing your teeth. I'm doing you a much needed favor." FML

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By anonya - United States - Madera

Today, I made the mistake of telling my dentist that my dog died. She spent the next half-hour talking about her pets and how they died. I ended up crying in her dentist's chair. FML

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By fartz - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went our school's football game against their rival team. Before the games started, I got my school's logo painted on my face. After nearly 5 hours of watching the game, I went home to wash the paint off my face, only to find the logo had been sunburned onto my face. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I tried to wake my boyfriend up to sex. When I went to touch his penis, he elbowed me in the face, mumbled an apology and began snoring again. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montreal

Today, at work, my buddy pulled up in his car. I handed him $40, and he handed me a bag. It must have looked like a drug deal, but he was actually just smuggling in the new Pokémon game for me. I'm 22, and a drug deal would probably have been less embarrassing to explain. FML

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By ohcrap - United States

Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML

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By Whosthegroom - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent out a mass text to everyone on her contact list. She's getting married in a month. I didn't propose to her. FML

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By bitch - 27/8/2020 08:02 - United Kingdom - London

Tracked

Today, I noticed that on the calendar in my boyfriend’s apartment, for every week of the months when I have my period are coloured in red and over them, in block capitals, he has written 'BEWARE'. FML

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By city_girl - United States

Today, I got rear-ended. In possibly the scariest part of downtown. At night. By a man who spoke hardly any English but managed to ask if I would go out dancing with him instead of calling my insurance company. FML

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By Dante

Today, I fell and got a nasty cut above my right eye. The doctor in the ER sealed the wound with surgical glue. He also glued his glove to my eyebrow, and let glue run onto my eyelid. Not only do I have a scar and medical bill, I now have no eyebrow or eyelashes on my right eye. FML

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By alternativefacts

Today, I confronted my neighbor because he'd been telling my kids that global warming was a myth. He responded with, "Whine all you want, but the swamp is draining and your bullshit liberal narrative is finally going down." He then dumped his trash on my lawn and retreated to his house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired because I abruptly hung up on my boss while being pulled over for talking in a hands free zone. I also got a $300 fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2020 08:08

Fake mystery guy

Today, I dressed cute to surprise my boyfriend of 2 years. Instead of being happy or impressed about it, he accused me of cheating and dressing up to impress a new guy he'd made up in his head. FML

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By Screwed - United States

Today, I had one of the worst panic attacks in years. I was worried nobody cared about me and that I had completely messed up my life. I was hyperventilating and crying hysterically. My mom walked by my room, looked at me, and said, "If you're going to make those noises, at least shut the door." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light next to an ice cream van. The man in it turned to me and winked, making sexual hand gestures. I felt my childhood die horribly as I watched. FML

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By fox_at_heart - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out my father has been saving money to help me buy my first car. In the same conversation, I found out my mother, unbeknownst to my dad, used nearly all of the money to bail my drunken, deadbeat uncle out of jail for the 4th time a month ago. He is now back in prison. FML

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By hyphen - 9/12/2020 18:01 - United States - Denver

The patriarchy rules

Today, I was talking to a new friend when I told him my last name. It’s hyphenated. He then left and declared me to be a "stuck-up bitch" who thinks she’s "too good to take a man’s last name." This is the name I was born with. FML

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By El Jeffe - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, that awesome new dubstep song that I was rocking out to in my car was actually my transmission falling apart. FML

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By ad4 - United States

Today, I was woken up to my family surrounding me with breakfast in bed and sweet 16 balloons. My birthday is in 3 months, and I will be 17. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my brother and I drove 3 hours to pick up our puppy. The woman we bought him from said not to put him in the cage for the ride home as he would pee for sure. She recommended I put him on my lap. Not only did he shit on the seat backing out of her driveway, he pissed on me an hour later. FML

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By acw2110 - United States

Today, I woke up after having had sex with my 4-year crush expecting to find him in bed next to me. Instead, I found my cell phone with a text message from him that said "you should really do something about the pimples on your ass." FML

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By jfields2474 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad turned off our cable. The reason? His favorite character from The Walking Dead died. FML

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By sick and lonely - United States - Rockford

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I had a fever from a stomach virus. I was shivering with cold sweats while she explained there was nothing wrong with our relationship, but she would regret not giving her cheating ex a second chance. FML

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By

Today, I organized a party at my place, invited 20 people, bought snacks and cancelled my workout. Nobody showed up. I ended up eating a whole ciabatta alone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, one of the kids in my neighborhood told me he would mow my lawn for 10 bucks. After a few minutes, I heard the mower stop. He had mowed a penis into my front yard then run away. FML

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By musamalia - France

Today, a very pretty girl came up to me and asked me for my phone number. Very pleased, I give it to her with a huge smile and tell her that I can be reached at any time. I then watch her go back to her group of friends. My number was for her gay friend, who then meekly waved at me. FML

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By abc - Pakistan

Today, I took my friends out to an expensive restaurant for my birthday treat. They had arranged for a surprise birthday cake for me which I cut, very happily, while they chanted birthday wishes. When the bill came, I discovered I was supposed to pay for my great 'surprise' cake. FML

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By I'll Make You FartCum - United States - San Francisco

Great handle!

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time in over a month. When I came, I thrust one last time and let out a huge fart. She couldn't keep her mouth shut about it, and now all our friends keep calling me "CumFart". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silverdale

Today, I went to a restaurant and asked for vegetarian options. They told me, "We have a chicken Caesar salad, will that work?" FML

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By wooed - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 2 months has been faking his southern accent. FML

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By 1danzo1 - Australia

Today, I was getting a haircut. I had my foils in for about 10 minutes when the fire alarm went off. The building then started to fill with smoke and we evacuated. While outside watching the fire being put out, I forgot about my foils. I now have bright bleached yellow and orange hair. FML

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By oddbrien - United States - Baltimore

Today, while at the club, I started dancing with a girl who I had noticed throughout the night. When she turned around she firmly stated, "I'd much rather dance by myself". FML

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By nekal - United States - Nashville

Today, I tried to sneakily leave my boyfriend's house at 3 a.m. without his parents knowing. I had a flat tire. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while I was fitting a new fuse box, a giant spider tried to eat my fingers. As I pulled away, I touched the exposed wires. I woke up flat on my back to the customer slapping my face, burnt fingers, and bruises everywhere. I had also peed and shit myself. FML

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By VCDUDE11FTW - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my brother and I woke up early to get a sneak peek at our Christmas presents. We found our parents having sex on the couch. FML

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By cduran2011 - United States

Today, since I was taking a dump in my wife's parents' house, I lit a candle so that it wouldn't stink. While still sitting down, I went to blow it out and apparently, no matter how strong of a man you are, you will still scream like a little girl if hot wax falls on your penis. FML

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By Stressed Mother - United States - Piscataway

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone call. They were impressed with me. That's when my son decided to throw a tantrum asking for food. After some silence, the caller told me they were looking for someone who wasn't juggling little kids at home and hung up. My son is 20. FML

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By Bluetooth Connection

Today, I sat in the bathroom on my phone to rub one out after a long day. Wanting to hear the action, I upped the volume until the sound was low enough for me to hear, despite the volume being near max. I continued until I realized my phone was connected to my headset outside near my family. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

Today, after cricket training, the homeless man that lives in the drain next to the nets threw a beer bottle full of piss at me for rejecting him for a date last week. I ducked; it sailed through my car’s open window and smashed all over the seats. FML

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Top comments

By csigabajnok | 0

#240 - Thursday 5 February 2009 6:26

OMG, that's so dumb

By Emkaye | 0

#360 - Friday 6 February 2009 2:36

My mom did the same blasted thing, except we had a central vacuum, which ended up setting our basement on fire. The house smelled like soot for the next two months.

COMMENTS

By csigabajnok | 0

#240 - Thursday 5 February 2009 6:26

OMG, that's so dumb

Reply

Epic_Phale615 | 0

#909847 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 4:50

I think he needs to stop dating blonds?

Reply

look_its_me | 0

#969706 - Sunday 28 March 2010 6:41

the real question here is: what was she doing out of the kitchen??

Reply

haleyisawsomee | 0

#987087 - Sunday 2 May 2010 1:05

why was she crying?

Reply

alicianoar | 7

#1045805 - Sunday 27 June 2010 7:25

lol at #32

Reply

aubrey1 | 0

#2634514 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 3:30

Smart girlfriend bro. Hope she fucks good.

By Emkaye | 0

#360 - Friday 6 February 2009 2:36

My mom did the same blasted thing, except we had a central vacuum, which ended up setting our basement on fire. The house smelled like soot for the next two months.

By potentpotable | 0

#6536 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 19:12

Dump her!

By xFusionBluex | 0

#36853 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 6:07

i have to know... is she blond... (no insults intended)

By Zwink | 0

#61556 - Friday 27 March 2009 3:02

ok thats just sad and wow no just wow stupid

By atomicmrpelly | 2

#95797 - Thursday 9 April 2009 14:00

I just... it... you...

The mind boggles!!!

By ticktockigoboom | 0

#100185 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:19

She's a moron and sounds like she has a submissive personality. I would dump her and go find a real woman that didn't drop out of high school.

By rc15 | 0

#112595 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 4:32

wow she is not that bright

By sarah__tehe__ | 0

#141729 - Saturday 25 April 2009 13:09

what a fucking idiot.... i mean, comeon.. you use a METAL bucket for embers, for future reference

By Grotesque | 0

#178712 - Friday 8 May 2009 3:22

Lol your girlfriend is mentally retarded.