Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when I realized... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 329

You deserved it 88

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134

You deserved it 1 183

20/11/2009 14:53

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when I realized I had to sneeze. Not wanting to sneeze on her, I tried my hardest to hold it in. When I climaxed, I couldn't hold it in any more and sneezed all over her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 119

You deserved it 21 727

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Commando

Empathy lives

04/06/2009 14:46

Today, my fiancé of two years told me he was bored of me and he'd just prolonged the engagement to see if anyone more interesting would come along in the mean time. He was upset because no one did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 337

You deserved it 3 574

09/06/2012 23:43

Today, I fell going down the stairs and hit my head on the wall. My parents came frantically running to my side, but only to make sure I hadn't damaged the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 820

You deserved it 2 246

23/09/2013 22:49

Today, I found out I was adopted when my drunk dad made a terrible Star Wars joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 251

You deserved it 2 851

31/10/2014 15:56

Today, I went to a Halloween party dressed as a pirate. Someone complimented me on how convincing the fake teeth were that I had on for my costume. I wasn't wearing fake teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 135

You deserved it 6 545

09/09/2018 01:30

Today, I was in the shower when I realised that maybe I'm getting a little too fat. I was scrubbing the old belly when a dollar flew out onto the floor. I'm 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 666

You deserved it 2 549

The customer is always a dong

By Obviously works everywhere - 20/09/2017 23:15

Today, a customer filed a formal complaint with corporate about me, because I wouldn't help her find things she wanted while I was off the clock. We were in a completely different store than the one where I actually work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 850

You deserved it 196

02/05/2016 17:24

Today, since I always fall asleep in class, I decided not to go to the bathroom beforehand, hoping the sensation to pee would keep me awake. I ended up falling asleep and wetting myself in the middle of the lecture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 773

You deserved it 7 195

20/11/2012 06:47

Today, my parents kindly told me what they are getting me for my 18th birthday. An eviction notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 604

You deserved it 3 414

31/01/2012 06:12

Today, at work, a customer threatened to punch me in the face because the store I work at doesn't have shopping baskets, only carts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 683

You deserved it 2 380

15/04/2012 23:39

Today, I had to get stitches on my foot and was then forced to wear a plastic bag on my foot while showering. The plastic bag made me slip in the shower and had to go back and get stitches in my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 650

You deserved it 3 828

17/11/2014 15:47

Today, my 12-year-old daughter informed me that she is eager to lose her virginity, "Because I don't want to be thrown into a volcano!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 749

You deserved it 4 080

25/06/2019 06:48

Today, I got into a screaming match with the mother of my kids. I told her they need to bathe more often. According to her, anything more than once a week is excessive and bad for their skin. My kids play sports and smell like puppies from the pound. She doesn’t care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 303

You deserved it 183

Smooth

By Anonymous - 12/04/2020 20:00

Today, I turned 30. I still can't grow any facial hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 449

You deserved it 217

04/10/2009 15:41

Today, I noticed that my acne has gotten so bad, I can see it out of my peripheral vision. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 009

You deserved it 9 162

Industrial logs

By wow - 19/02/2009 21:44

Today, I took a massive dump at work and clogged the industrial toilet. Since I used the unisex one at the end of the hall, I watched my super hot coworker walk in after me. And then she ran out immediately. Everyone had seen me walk out before her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 493

You deserved it 36 852

A boy can dream

By Anonymous - 16/02/2021 00:30

Today, I told my family about my dreams to get a modern car and house with my girlfriend, since I'm tired of fixing my '90s car and paying for my dad's rent and doing all his housework. They then told me I'm selfish for trying to leave them and that I don't care about them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 959

You deserved it 63

13/07/2011 18:16

Spicy

Today, my parents think that I don't realize all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table: "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 219

You deserved it 3 975

23/06/2013 19:19

Today, I was told by a friend that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. Her defence was that if I had a bigger dick she wouldn't have been, in her words, forced to go elsewhere for sex. My mother's response when I confided this in her: "Ask me if I care." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 225

You deserved it 5 017

15/03/2010 23:29

Today, I discovered that the wintergreen breath mints I've been taking for a week now, are actually circular, flavored, white and green laxatives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 216

You deserved it 28 376

31/08/2015 13:16

Spicy

Today, I thought the girl I was seeing was going to tell me that she loved me. Instead, she told me how she sucked some other guy's dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 226

You deserved it 2 511

13/03/2013 23:22

Today, I invited my girlfriend to go eat out, hoping to put her in a really romantic mood. She decided to tell her friend, who then invited herself and another couple along. I ended up being made fifth wheel, and had to sit alone at an adjacent table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 292

You deserved it 4 292

27/06/2013 01:02

Spicy

Today, I cleaned up my brother's room, since he's moved out. Under the bed I found a Doritos bag full of used condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 008

You deserved it 7 020

14/12/2012 23:52

Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 142

You deserved it 6 651

21/01/2017 12:00

Today, I went snowboarding for the first time. Aside from falling every 2 minutes, I was apparently showing the entire mountain (including my dad) my thong every time I fell and got back up. My boyfriend saw everything and didn't let me know until we finished the 20-minute run we were on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 514

You deserved it 1 837

29/07/2015 06:15

Spicy

Today, thinking no one was home, I decided to be a little frisky with my boyfriend. I guess I was being loud and woke up my sleeping autistic brother the room over. Halfway through, he burst through the door, panicking. He thought I was having another one of my asthma attacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 841

You deserved it 9 693

You tried

By Anonymous - 17/08/2021 05:01

Today, after thinking my crush maybe liked me back, I confessed. He didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 848

You deserved it 81

09/02/2009 00:01

Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 389

You deserved it 5 897

16/01/2010 03:30

Today, I went to see John Mayer. Being 6'2", I didn't think there would be any trouble seeing the stage, until three 6'6" men stood directly in front of me, pissed in a cup and managed to spill it over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 368

You deserved it 4 754

06/07/2009 02:39

Today, I was babysitting. The kids were thirsty, so I poured them both a cup of the green juice I'd found in a jug in their fridge. They downed it in a flash. It wasn't until later on after I'd poured myself a cup and taken a sip, I realized I had given them margarita mix. The kids are 4 and 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 212

You deserved it 58 133

10/09/2012 04:26

Today, the girl I've secretly loved for years finally noticed me. That is, after I ran over her foot with my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 133

You deserved it 7 379

Horndog

By Anonymous - 20/08/2012 02:05

Spicy

Today, I had to bail my boyfriend out of jail. He got arrested because he was tugging his man-meat in the drive-thru at a McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 632

You deserved it 5 629

11/07/2013 00:15

Today, my college English teacher told me if I wanted an explanation for my grade I would have to schedule a conference to come to her office. It's an online class. I took an online class because I can't come in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 337

You deserved it 4 369

25/12/2016 07:00

Today, the first gift I opened was from my uncle. It was $80 in clothes that I'd bought for myself a week earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 154

You deserved it 687

19/08/2019 20:00

Today, I got a letter summoning me to court for leaving the scene of a car accident I had in London. I live in Manchester and don't own a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 827

You deserved it 87

16/09/2009 10:37

Today, I went to an interview for a job I really wanted and am qualified for. I've been looking for months. This job was perfect; close to home and great pay. Needless to say I spent quite a while preparing. Everything was going great until I had to sneeze, which forced out a loud, long fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 676

You deserved it 4 166

30/10/2010 14:00

Today, my friend and I dressed up as dice for Halloween. The rest of the night consisted of us, harassed by drunks asking, 'Can we roll you around?' and constantly being shaken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 356

You deserved it 32 844

21/11/2013 16:10

Today, a girl and I were flirting and it was going well. Feeling bold, I asked what she would do if I kissed her. She smiled flirtatiously and said "Why don't you try it and find out?" I went in for a kiss, and she slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 526

You deserved it 13 981

26/07/2009 17:39

Today, while doing aerobics in my room, I started doing really powerful Knee Highs. My cell phone fell out of my pocket while doing one knee high. As I looked down, I kneed myself in the face. I spent the next couple hours in the emergency room while the doctor told everyone my story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 263

You deserved it 19 629

19/07/2009 22:02

Today, I went into a restaurant and sat at a bar near three guys who appeared to be 19 or 20. They did not acknowledge me. 15 minutes later, my burger arrived. They all ran over to ask me about it. I haven't been hit on in months. My cheeseburger is more attractive to men than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 072

You deserved it 6 893

09/05/2015 18:50

Today, on my first driving lesson, I crashed my instructor's car. I didn't even make it out of the parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 172

You deserved it 11 052

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Top comments

bug56 0

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Friday 20 November 2009 20:07

turn face to the left, away from her face/body etc. sneeze continue. Are you braindead?

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Friday 20 November 2009 19:59

Haha she got bodily fluids on her in two places at once!

Comments

lifesize_barbie 0

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Friday 20 November 2009 19:22

lmao!! this is seriously hilarious!! hahahaha... fyl... hahahaha

austinryansmith 0

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Saturday 23 January 2010 14:56

dude I feel sorry for .......HER lol wow

JinxTheMagician 0

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Monday 12 April 2010 21:46

turn your head you fukin mong!

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Thursday 12 August 2010 5:22

haha I love the word 'mong' but seriously turn ur head

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Tuesday 28 June 2011 14:13

aha sure, you "sneezed" all over her face.. gotcha ;)

christianpulis 17

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Saturday 12 April 2014 20:02

Someone's roosterteeth fan

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Friday 20 November 2009 19:33

Hopefully you have a normal relationship where you feel comfortable saying "I have to sneeze" at which point you can just lean next to her and quickly half-sneeze (you know, sort of holding it in with your tongue but letting most of the pressure out) and nothing bad happens. I can't imagine what position you'd be in where you can't aim away from her face.

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Friday 20 November 2009 19:56

This is hilarious. Had I been the girl I would've giggled after going EWWW!! But it would've been funny, nonetheless.

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Friday 20 November 2009 19:59

Haha she got bodily fluids on her in two places at once!

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Friday 20 November 2009 20:04

That would be an immediate breakup for douchebaggery.

bug56 0

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Friday 20 November 2009 20:07

turn face to the left, away from her face/body etc. sneeze continue. Are you braindead?

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Friday 20 November 2009 20:10

Tell her she should be glad you didn't sneeze all over her "intimate bits."

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Friday 20 November 2009 20:18

You know, you can turn away and use your upper arm/inner elbow for that sort of thing. I've done the same more than once.

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Friday 20 November 2009 20:22

Hahahahahaha YDI, and if that fucked up your life, I don't want to hear you cry when she queefs. Geez you're going to cut yourself now?

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Friday 20 November 2009 20:30

LOL Seriously! And imagine the tragedy if one of them happens to fart during sex. A healthy relationship, you can laugh these things off. After all you're only human :D

SusanaSaysRawrxD 0

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Friday 20 November 2009 20:39

I swear I've seen this same FML before, word-for-word. o_0