Today, I was walking around in Target with my friends and the... - FML

By Anonymous - 20/11/2009 15:35 - United States

Today, I was walking around in Target with my friends and the guy I've liked for a long time. As we approached the patio section, I sat down on a chair only to hear a big wet watery sound. I got up and realized that I had just sat in some little kid's diarrhea. FML

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Fairytale ending

In my day…

Territorial pissings

By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 18:41 - United States - Barrington

Today, I went to get an HPV vaccine after being convinced to by my mom. I stayed in the waiting room afterwards, because the vaccine has the possible side-effect of causing fainting. I didn't faint; instead, I spent the next 15 minutes giggling uncontrollably like a psycho. FML

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By playinmyguitar - 15/8/2009 15:02 - United States

Today, I invited everyone to a gig I'm playing at a bar. They closed it down just for me when I told them how many people were attending, and I spent all day setting it up. Turns out nobody showed up besides my mom, my dad, and 2 of my cousins. I still had to play 7 songs in front of them. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, I confronted my fiancé and told him I knew his 'little secret'. I had suspected that he had been ruining his wedding diet by eating pizza at the office. He replied that the affair with his secretary had only been going on for a couple of months. FML

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By fuuu. - 19/3/2012 12:39 - Hong Kong

Today, while painting a wall, I handed a bucket of paint up to my friend who was standing on the top rung of a ladder. She said she felt dizzy, and came crashing down on me, along with the paint on my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2010 14:45 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech but I wasn't prepared. I decided to give it anyway. While giving the speech, I got so nervous I passed out. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2011 17:00 - Slovakia

Today, while presenting a project I've worked on for months, one of the professors exasperatedly cut in mid-sentence, saying, "Look, it's shit. Just stop already." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2009 06:19 - Australia

Today, after failing my Ls twice in the previous weeks, I finally passed. As I got home, I went for a drive with my dad. I smashed my mums car into an old ladys fence and ended up in her backyard. FML

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By Riley - 9/4/2011 08:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandma got up at 6:30am, clattered about the bathroom then sang religious songs at the top of her voice for half an hour. Apparently this is her normal routine, weekends included. She is staying with us for a month. FML

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By ouchy - 30/1/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, I was babysitting three little kids. I decided to give one of them (a seven-year-old) a piggy-back ride, thinking I'm strong enough. I managed to get a few feet before faceplanting on the wooden floor. She is fine though, no pain or anything. My face took the impact for both of us. FML

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By Jessi - 21/7/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband was trying to cheat on me while I was away at basic training. I signed up for the service to pay off his debt. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 00:03 - Germany - Mannheim

Today, my car is still in the shop, so I asked my psycho brother to drive me to the mall. He sped up to nearly 20km over the speed limit, so I shouted for him to stop before he got us both killed. He hit the brakes in the middle of an intersection, and wouldn't move again until I got out. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2020 08:00

WTF people?!

Today, as an essential worker, some lady tore me a new one because we were out of large sanitizer bottles. Our doors opened at 9 a.m. and she didn't show up until 2 p.m. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, my wife found out my son masturbated and wanted to send him to counseling. Thinking she was overreacting, I told her I masturbated when I was a teen so he should turn out like me. She began sobbing uncontrollably. FML

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By schnegg - 23/4/2016 17:33 - Switzerland

Today, the firm I work at informed all the employees about our annual staff trip. So, we're going to a tomato festival and everything is already planned and booked. I'm allergic to tomatoes. FML

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By fuckthisandfuckthatandfuckyoutoo - 28/7/2013 16:23 - United States

Today, I was preparing a customer's meal in my restaurant's kitchen, when I choked on my own saliva and went into a coughing fit. The head chef, who's always hated my guts, accused me of trying to hock a loogie into the meal and fired me on the spot. FML

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By unbelievable - 3/6/2017 20:00

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend always says she's been at "Alex's house", she hasn't meant the house of her friend Alexis, but rather the house of the man she has been cheating on me with. She literally told me she was cheating on me and still managed to avoid getting caught. FML

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By Olorin - 12/8/2010 23:21 - Germany

Today, I was installing TVs in a hospital. When I knocked on a door, a female voice asked me to come in. I opened the door to see an 80 year old woman standing in front of me, naked. She then complained when I hesitated to help her to put some clothes on. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2019 22:00

Check out Mr. Moneybags over here!

Today, I found out that my wife has been getting rid of every single item of clothing I didn’t compliment her on. This has probably cost me thousands already. FML

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By muffin - 10/5/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I wanted to look really good for my date. I was a little self-conscious, so I decided to use Nair on my upper lip just in case I had a female mustache. Unfortunately, it turns out I'm allergic to Nair. Now I DO have a mustache. A rash mustache. FML

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By shinoza - 13/2/2009 15:02 - Malaysia

Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML

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By Lola - 20/12/2008 12:23 - France

Today, as I was pressed for time, I opened some canned food for dinner. When my children were served, they said, "Mmm, this is best meal you've ever cooked for us!" I cook healthy, balanced meals every day. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2009 11:00 - Norway

Today, I was outside with a guy I really like. He asked me to lay down on the ground and watch the stars with him. I did. Suddenly, he got up, walked over to another girl and kissed her. They left me there on the soaking wet ground, watching the stars. FML

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By RBEE - 12/12/2009 18:02 - France

Today, my colleague rushed off to the hospital for the birth of his first son. Having met his wife at the Christmas party a couple of years ago, I called to congratulate her. Shame I didn't realize it was his mistress having the baby. Guess who broke the news to the wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, I found out why my boyfriend of over a year is so obsessed with cleaning his entire place before I come over. He's been hiding the ex girlfriend that never moved out. FML

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By rebeccaremily - 4/10/2009 07:03 - Canada

Today, my computer stopped working. Me, the technology challenged one, decided to do a system recovery on it hoping that I could make it better. Turns out, system recovery means deleting all the files off the computer including family photos, music and assignments and starting fresh. FML

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By 34_22_34 - 28/7/2010 19:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. He said we’d go pick up the ring tomorrow. Then he asked to borrow $40 to get it out of pawn. He pawned it when his ex gave it back to him. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2013 18:11 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had a dream in which I was being mugged. I started fighting the muggers off, while in reality, my fist smacked my wife in the face. Now she has a black eye, nobody believes my story, and they think I'm a wife beater. FML

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By Elayne Warthen - 25/4/2018 01:30

Today, I found out my soon-to-be husband and father of my unborn child is already married to another man. FML

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By buggingout - 26/7/2011 10:33 - United States

Today, it's the first day of my Hawaiian honeymoon. We found out that the pool is under construction and our room is infested with roaches. We are paying $375 a night for this. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2019 00:02

Missing the point 101

Today, I told my mom I lost 30 pounds because of an eating disorder. She told me to keep up the good work. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2013 21:33 - United States - Carrollton

Today, my wife and I had a fight, which I thought we resolved. Later, while painting the kitchen, I told her to change into an old shirt she didn't care about. She made a huge show of putting her wedding gown on, veil and all. FML

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By secretagentsam00 - 31/3/2020 23:00

Thug life

Today, I found out my dog is a felon. He broke into a neighbor's house by breaking in through the screen door. He also vandalized their property by shitting on their carpet. Our neighbors are now considering suing us. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2011 08:40 - Canada

Today, I got home late to find my dad outside mowing the lawn in the dark. I told him the neighbors were going to think he lost his marbles for mowing it at that time. He then informed me he wasn't mowing it, he was vacuuming it. FML

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By norina - 11/2/2014 10:01 - France - Paris

Today, at the bank where I work, I escorted a very short woman to her safe deposit box in the vault. I left her alone, knowing she could use the phone to call the reception when she was ready to leave. We later realised the phone was too high for her to reach. If glares could kill. FML

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By Twomanybananas - 23/1/2017 16:00

Today, I found a banana on my bed. It was black and shriveled because I accidentally left it there after I thought I finished the whole bushel I bought last week. I've been sleeping in my bed all week and didn't notice. FML

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By Itstheapocalypse - 26/11/2017 19:00

Today, while performing a therapeutic massage, I dropped my clients head, shuddered, and jumped away. Why? I watch too much Walking Dead and when I lifted her head to stretch her neck, her soft breathing sounded like a zombie. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2014 16:52 - United Kingdom - Tipton

Today, my mom told me all about how I was conceived in a Disney Land toilet. FML

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By ithinkimturningjapanese - 6/8/2015 08:33 - United States - Apo

Today, I was diagnosed with food poisoning for the third time since moving to this base in Japan. My husband keeps cooking questionable meat and vegetables from the commissary because he thinks the food from a Japanese grocery store is radioactive. FML

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By Noname - 29/10/2011 11:02 - United States

Today, I drove home on my birthday, and my mom said she'd meet me there. I was a little surprised to get home and find she wasn't there, but even more shocked to see my rabbit run over in my driveway. Turns out he'd gotten loose and my mom had run him over, panicked, and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2018 15:00

Today, my husband has had a low sex drive for a while now. I've been trying all sorts of things to pique his desire. Turns out that a conversation about Neil deGrasse Tyson was all I ever needed. FML

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Top comments

By Meggehx | 0

#681123 - Friday 20 November 2009 19:25

thank god you were in a place where you could buy yourself new pants.

By f_alltheirlives | 3

#681098 - Friday 20 November 2009 19:14

At least you have friends : ) Miss poopular

COMMENTS

By Darksect0r13 | 0

#681093 - Friday 20 November 2009 19:13

You liked it.

Reply

neonokku | 0

#681297 - Friday 20 November 2009 21:30

EW! I mean that is disgusting and you should have noticed but no one deserves that o_O

Complain and get a gift

Reply

haweb | 0

#681354 - Friday 20 November 2009 22:27

How do you know it was some little kid?
Maybe it was your mom.

Reply

crazytoaster | 2

#683092 - Sunday 22 November 2009 11:54

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

kitty_karloso | 0

#684472 - Monday 23 November 2009 6:57

@ 68
Really? People who don't look before they sit down make you sick? I thought it would be terrorists or murderers, but people who don't look before sitting? If that's all it takes you must be in a perpetual state of nausea.

Reply

2gether4ever | 0

#967065 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 2:38

so you guys going out now...?
;)

Reply

fckinbowdown | 0

#1085315 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 18:51

always check the seat before you sit especially in public

Reply

andrew6p | 19

#4834261 - Sunday 19 August 2012 16:17

Wow. 68. People who dont look down before they sit make you sick?

By alexandraa_fml | 0

#681094 - Friday 20 November 2009 19:13

Ewwwwaa

By f_alltheirlives | 3

#681098 - Friday 20 November 2009 19:14

At least you have friends : ) Miss poopular

Reply

crazyarsedfly | 14

#681125 - Friday 20 November 2009 19:26

I love your comment! Haha...

To OP: Ewwww. I absolutely hate it when parents don't clean up after these things happen. =(

Reply

jadedwaitress | 0

#1064549 - Monday 5 July 2010 11:42

Agreed. when I worked in retail a woman left her baby's diaper in the fitting room.

By ITuMT | 0

#681103 - Friday 20 November 2009 19:17

I don't like kids for reasons like this

By Meggehx | 0

#681123 - Friday 20 November 2009 19:25

thank god you were in a place where you could buy yourself new pants.

Reply

lyssalicious | 0

#682052 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:05

LMFAOO! and new underwear, too. :p

By Tigg3r | 3

#681135 - Friday 20 November 2009 19:34

Hahaha holy shittles I cannot stop laughing. Thanks OP you made my day. I agree with #5. Go buy youself some new pants!

By Lythiaren | 8

#681139 - Friday 20 November 2009 19:36

And you didn't see or smell it before you sat down...?

Reply

BeeSkwaird | 0

#681159 - Friday 20 November 2009 19:47

Always look before you sit! Du-uh.... YDI.

By Twinklestar | 0

#681142 - Friday 20 November 2009 19:37

How could you not notice that before sitting???

Reply

jgupta86 | 0

#681147 - Friday 20 November 2009 19:41

No freakin kidding. How could you have not noticed?

Reply

perdix | 29

#681188 - Friday 20 November 2009 20:02

I'll tell you why she didn't notice -- it wasn't there before she sat down!!!

She's blaming "some little kid" for own diarrhea and lack of control of her anal sphincter!

I'd hate to be her dog.

By smartieee | 0

#681151 - Friday 20 November 2009 19:43

ydi for not looking were you sit, but fyl at the same timee, that would be disgustinggggg.

Reply

kennaem1 | 11

#5072528 - Tuesday 23 October 2012 17:17

I'm pretty sure disgusting has 2 g's

By Erindub | 0

#681155 - Friday 20 November 2009 19:44

Aww, nows THATS an FML. Yours and the dude at Target who's job it is to clean that mess up. Sorry kiddo!