Love: Today, I was making out with a guy I really like. Midway through,...

By Achoo - United States

Today, I was making out with a guy I really like. Midway through, he stopped and said he had to sneeze. After waiting several seconds, he said the urge went away and we kept making out. Ten seconds later, he violently sneezed in my open mouth. FML

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Love

Triage

F*** my overweight life

Miscommunication

By -_-" - United States - Vestal

Today, I was getting ready for a night out with the girls, and without any hint of trickery, just wanting an honest answer, I asked my boyfriend how I looked in the dress I chose. He immediately dropped to his knees, yelled, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and calmly left the room. FML

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By morningeyes - United States

Today, I was trying to remove a temporary tattoo my friend put on my cheek. When warm water and soap didn't work, I tried something else. Just so you know, Mr. Clean Magic Erasers do not, in fact, work by magic. Tell that to the massive chemical burn covering half my face. FML

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18078

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By Ya - United States

Today, I missed my flight because I was stopped by airport security. They found "small, suspicious, spherical objects" in my purse on the X-ray. After pulling me out of line, taking my purse aside and carefully opening it with tongs, they removed the bag of grapes I had packed as a snack. FML

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By Bad Dad - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML

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36279

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By defrauded - United Kingdom - Oban

Today, I bought a textbook for my college class. Not only is the £150 book only sold by our teacher, it turned out to be a piece of shit that he obviously wrote, printed, and stapled together at home. When I went to the faculty about it, I was told it's all perfectly legal, and to drop it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend's mom doesn't wear pyjamas when I got up to go get a glass of water in the middle of the night, at the same time she did. FML

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By mirrorfad - France

Today, my mum got upset with me for getting my first hangover ever after being of legal drinking age for over 6 years. She is a closet alcoholic in denial who hides red wine bottles around the house. FML

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By cane - United States

Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML

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By iamamermaid - United States - Hemet

Today, I decided to use an at-home waxing kit for the first time to get rid of the hair on my upper lip. After experiencing the trauma of waxing, I fell asleep. A few hours later, I woke up to see that I now have acne everywhere I had waxed. I have an acne mustache. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to hack my Facebook and "like" everybody's statuses. This includes my boyfriend's about his grandmother dying. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Yucaipa

Today, I accidentally sprayed some perfume in my eye. After rinsing said burning eye with water for a few minutes, I half-blindly grabbed the eyedrops my sister left on the counter and used some. They were actually tea tree oil drops. Ouch. FML

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By bluebelle - Australia

Today, my boyfriend brought me a bunny for a house present for moving into our first house. She escaped her cage and bit through the electrical wires, cutting out all our power and electrocuting and killing herself. FML

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29840

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By disgruntled stepdaughter - United States - Reno

Today, my step-mom stole over $100 in cash from me, dumped dirty cat litter all over my clean bed sheets, and called me a whore for having a polite conversation with my boyfriend. I confronted my father about it. He told me to forgive her, because she's "on her period." FML

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By vomitgirl - Australia - Brisbane

Today, during my shift at work, I started to feel really sick and started throwing up. While I had my head in a bag, I had several customers ask me for directions and another customer abuse me for my lack of service. FML

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31033

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By LexiBoBexi - United States

Today, my family and I went to the coast. Our dog was off the leash because we were the only people around. He was delighted to find a dead seal carcass and roll around in its remains. We then had a 3 hour drive home. FML

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By Sadtimes - United Kingdom

Today, my sister broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years because he hadn't "popped" the question. I've just spent the last 2 months helping him plan the perfect proposal. FML

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51727

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. My spare keys are 45 minutes away in my dorm room. My dorm room keys are attached to my car keys locked in my car. Security said they would let me in as long as I had my school ID. It's on my keychain. FML

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31007

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By likecomeon - United States - Glendale

Today, I figured out why my 'best friend' hasn't talked to me in weeks. She assumed an FML post she read was about her. It was posted in 2009. I met her last year. FML

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26844

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By loneliness - United States

Today, I realized I want school to start again so that I won't be sitting alone in my room all day anymore. FML

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30056

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 20:01

Murdered

Today, I woke up and checked my fish tank. I thought the temperature was too low, so half asleep, I turned it up. Now all my fish are dead. FML

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362

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By huh?

Race against the clock

Today, we found out that my 13-year-old cousin is pregnant. My mom then turned to me and asked why I decided to wait so long. I’m only 20. Instead of being worried that this young girl has potentially ruined her entire life, my mom just complained that her sister "gets to be a grandma first." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while helping out at a retirement home, I had to get a book off a bookshelf. When I reached up, my watch got stuck on my shirt, resulting in my shirt lifting up. I just flashed my man-boobs to at least 20 senior citizens, and one of them even asked if he could have a feel. FML

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31645

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By MothmanKirbaby - 10/4/2021 14:00

Awkward pause

Today, a close friend called me to inform me of his newest relationship, and why he's kept it from me - he's been seeing his male cousin for several months and was tired of hiding it from the world. I had to keep my shock in check over the phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, at the hospital I work at, I had to deliver my best friend's baby. I later found out that my ex boyfriend was the father. Normally this wouldn't faze me, but it did because we broke up last month. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Evesham

Today, my girlfriend decided that having OCD will help her lose weight. She is now convinced that walking in and out of doorways multiple times will burn fat. FML

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By not telling you my name - United States - Elkhart

Today, I went to take a dump at work. The silence in the room was deafening, and I ended up singing to myself. After I proudly finished, there was a short silence, followed by a coworker in the next stall saying, "Um... don't quit the day job, Rick." I'll never live this down. FML

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By dumbfounded - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to calm down an angry customer who claimed one of my employees had "traumatized" her dog. Apparently her dog is really OCD and my employee didn't line up the dog bed at the right angle. She threatened to report us to the BBB. How do these morons even exist? FML

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14138

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By TeamVomit

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house to surprise him and caught him with another girl. As my boyfriend got up to explain himself, I, in a state of shock, violently threw up on him (and partially her). His mum had let me in the house. At least I know whose side she's on. FML

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5750

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By jealouspussy - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was giving my guy a blowjob. When he blurted out, "Oh Jesus" I assumed I was doing a good job. I looked up to see the expression on his face and noticed a look of terror. He was staring at my growling cat, two seconds away from clawing his face off. FML

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43348

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By Rob - United States - Neoga

Today, after having sex with my girlfriend, I jokingly held the condom above my mouth. Somehow, the condom busted, and everything went over my face. Worse still, we're now wondering just how safe this condom really was. FML

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16712

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By not anymore - United States - Monroe

Today, I made a Facebook post about my upcoming driving test. My grandpa said he knew I would succeed, prompting my idiot boyfriend to reply "For sure, she really knows how to suck seed ;)" followed by him liking his own comment. FML

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By msleea - United States - San Francisco

Today, I told my husband I felt unfulfilled and unhappy in my life. He suggested I do more chores. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2021 23:00 - United States

Stuck

Today, while on my way to deliver aluminum to a customer on top of a really steep hill, there wasn't enough room to do a U-turn without clipping a vehicle. I had to go through some mud, so now the company semi is bumper-deep in it. FML

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693

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By secretdoll - United States

Today, I was eating at a Mexican restaurant with my sister. I was happily biting into a burrito, when I saw a man in his car in the restaurant parking lot, staring at us and jacking off. FML

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40520

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By randomsamm - United States - Birmingham

Alas, poor Donatello

Today, I bought a turtle after wanting one for years. I was told that he was scared, so he would be put in a box for me to take home. It wasn't until I got to my car that I noticed that they sold me a dead turtle. I'm not getting a refund because they claimed I killed it in less than 5 minutes. FML

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1881

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By why they bomb - Canada - Campbell River

Today, feeling in need of a self-esteem boost, I took what I thought was a good selfie and I put it on Facebook. Out of 500 friends, the only response I got was a picture of Saddam Hussein with the caption, "This is why I bomb people." FML

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31850

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By WTF - United States

Today, I was rejected by a girl when she told me she is not ready to date. We met on a dating website. FML

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34878

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By pop, pop - United States - San Francisco

Today, I fell asleep while working the night shift. It took me 3 hours and a whole lot of dirty looks while walking home before I looked in a mirror and saw my cockbite of a coworker had drawn a swastika on my forehead while I was asleep. FML

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26931

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I logged on to Facebook to find that my boyfriend's relationship status had changed to in a relationship with his ex. I asked him about it, and all he said was, "I guess I forgot to break up with you." FML

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By stixx - United States

Today, I got a new cat. I tried to reenact the opening scene from Lion King, where in Simba gets held up for everyone to see. The fan was on when I lifted my cat up. FML

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Top comments

By stunty_fml | 0

#621891 - Thursday 15 October 2009 13:28

That must have been like a live cartoon. Did you notice a comic bubble with "#&?!" floating above your head?

By Emperor_Jim | 0

#621911 - Thursday 15 October 2009 13:42

Snot happens.

COMMENTS

By ILIEKGIRLS | 5

#621890 - Thursday 15 October 2009 13:28

must've been tasty.

blairjanine | 0

#909403 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 2:31

salty

Mouldy666 | 0

#1038052 - Monday 21 June 2010 12:26

maybe that's how she likes it ;)

nicobington | 1

#1987619 - Thursday 20 January 2011 3:27

nice!!!!

dogpup4 | 23

#3649955 - Sunday 27 November 2011 23:31

Your picture made that comment hilarious and I don't know why, #1.

By stunty_fml | 0

#621891 - Thursday 15 October 2009 13:28

That must have been like a live cartoon. Did you notice a comic bubble with "#&?!" floating above your head?

plum_lovin | 28

#5576554 - Friday 12 July 2013 9:37

That sucks for both of them. He was probably super embarrassed.

sayyestothedress | 24

#6008330 - Tuesday 15 July 2014 1:00

Probably gonna see another post about it except it's in the boys perspective

By Playdate | 0

#621904 - Thursday 15 October 2009 13:39

That is siff!!

By Emperor_Jim | 0

#621911 - Thursday 15 October 2009 13:42

Snot happens.

By xxcrazybestiexx | 0

#621918 - Thursday 15 October 2009 13:53

I think this is a FYL, that is just plain disgusting any way u look at it. How can someone even respond to that!

sayyestothedress | 24

#6008332 - Tuesday 15 July 2014 1:01

By slapping him in the face and then going to the bathroom to brush you teeth!! And then use 10 billion pounds of mouthwash!!

By Meme1988 | 18

#621926 - Thursday 15 October 2009 14:02

well, i see it a little funny XD ...poor you
at least he stopped and tried to sneeze

By perdix | 29

#621929 - Thursday 15 October 2009 14:03

Did he crap his pants at the same time? There's a lot of that going around these days -- sneeze-induced defecation, that is.

dalink | 24

#5355708 - Tuesday 5 February 2013 20:59

Dramatic increase in abdominal pressure combined with weak sphincter tone and a high fat diet. The perfect storm.

By ifinishlast | 0

#621935 - Thursday 15 October 2009 14:06

now if you said he wanted to re-enact two girls one cup, that woul be an fml. this ain't so bad

PandaPandaPandaX | 0

#622066 - Thursday 15 October 2009 16:48

Gah that just reminded me of 1 guy 1 cup :S excuse me while I vomit.

By Prawn_fml | 2

#621943 - Thursday 15 October 2009 14:18

Would think this is worse for him than you, to be honest. How did he react?

By _Noon_ | 0

#621969 - Thursday 15 October 2009 14:50

Eww.
Btw, this one is perfect for an illustrated FML :D

BravoUser | 0

#622423 - Friday 16 October 2009 0:21

You may now sneeze on the bride.