Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other.... - FML

By RollieCollieUSA - 30/1/2009 17:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. Before, I reached over to her computer and put on "Your Body is a Wonderland". Surprisingly, I lasted through the song and didn't realize her itunes was on random. "Rape me" by Nirvana came on. I still finished. FML

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Toxic parents

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

By Gabi - 9/1/2010 18:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent about half an hour trying to decide whether to buy a top, because even though it was lovely, it was really expensive. Eventually, after deciding to buy it because I could always return it if I changed my mind, I got home and realised I'd left it on the bus. FML

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By wtfman101 - 28/8/2009 14:56 - United States

Today, I woke up to find the entire driver's side of my car wrecked. Front door, back door, front and rear bumper smashed to shit. A drunk driver had hit it the previous night and ran. Don't worry though, he stopped and left his insurance information. He keyed it into the undamaged side of my car. FML

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By racello13 - 2/11/2015 15:26 - United States - Baldwinsville

Today, I've been robbed. I came home to find my oven door missing. FML

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By itsjustwill - 17/1/2013 00:35 - United States - Puyallup

Today, our company's owner's son took over. The first thing he did? Fire me. Why? He said my sales are down. I work in Public Relations. FML

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By LostSoul - 19/7/2019 14:02

Today, I was at a store. I asked if I needed a key for their bathroom, and they said the door was open. I have to walk past them to go in and out of the bathroom. Thirty seconds later, they used the key and walked in on me. FML

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By Ohgodmother - 28/2/2014 09:06 - Australia - Hobart

Today, in public, one of my mom's friends asked me how on earth did I get so tall, my mom happily scampered to my side and shrieked: 'TWO YEARS OF BREAST MILK'. FML

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By HYRTE - 6/9/2017 04:30

Today, I returned a shirt for my mom. When the cashier asked why, I just said my mom didn't like the way it looked. After an awkward pause, I noticed the cashier was wearing the same shirt. She was not amused. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2015 14:23 - United States - Bradenton

Today, my father told me that my mental health issues, which have been confirmed by multiple doctors and tests, are all caused by the fact that I'm slightly overweight and don't exercise a lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2017 22:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had a lovely dinner date. Our waitress was really sweet, so we talked about leaving her a big tip. When we got home, we discovered we both thought the other person had left it. FML

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By fatandsad - 3/1/2012 14:57 - United States

Today, I bought a $450 elliptical machine to get in shape of the new year. After 5 hours of putting it together, I realized that all the ceilings in every room of my apartment are too low for me to use it without hitting my head. I can't return it. FML

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By Snoodist - 6/5/2019 20:00

Today, as usual, I got home to find that my roommate had eaten all my groceries and left a mess behind for me to clean. To be fair, this time she did some cleaning - she "energy cleansed" my room with a sage wand, burning a huge hole in my mattress in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2009 04:02 - Canada

Today, I had gotten home from dropping my boyfriend off when my dad said "your phones been buzzing". I had a text saying "you're grounded," from my Dad. My Alarm saying 'Birth Control Pill' had been going off for a half hour while I was gone. FML

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By Tal - 26/4/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I got kicked in the face at a soccer game. Everybody clapped. FML

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By Werner - 2/3/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, I came home after a party to my parents, who confronted me. They said that my phone had made a pocket call to them and they heard a good half hour of people talking about drugs and alcohol. I confessed at that point. I checked my phone after. I hadn't called them in 3 days. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2016 04:16 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content filters on our internet. He spent what must have been a full 10 minutes on a distracting, long-winded speech about how he doesn't want to look up porn, but "it's just the principle of the damn thing". Sure, dad. Sure. FML

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By Too available to be sexy - 4/5/2019 20:00

Today, during foreplay, my husband asked if I found him sexually attractive. When I asked him back, after a yes, he was silent for two minutes then went into a ten-minute philosophical discussion on the nature of attractiveness. He would find me more attractive if I wasn't his wife. FML

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By LonelyShowers - 4/7/2012 05:36 - United States - Mission Hills

Today, my boyfriend pointed out that the water bill is getting kind of high. I suggested that we shower together to save water. He said he'd rather deal with the high water bill. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2015 14:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my 30th birthday. My husband came home with a big case of beer for himself, then told me he didn't have time to get me a present because of work. FML

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By awkward23 - 12/1/2010 10:26 - United States

Today, at a bar, a woman approched me and tried to set me up with her friend. Looking around, the only people in the bar were a man reading the paper and a very ugly woman, looking at me and smiling. I worriedly replied, "I'm sorry, but I'm gay." Turns out her friend was the one reading the paper. FML

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By h4rdy - 9/3/2012 16:55 - United States

Today, I was the 10th caller on a radio show. I answered the question correctly. The DJ informed I won a free air guitar of my choosing. I yelled with excitement over the air. The DJ then instructed me how to use my new air guitar. FML

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By dumbucksally - 31/8/2018 06:00

Today, my 30-year-old boyfriend of 4 years OD'd on his mental health medication, resulting in a trip to the hospital. He said the experience was eye-opening and he wants to be 100% honest with me. He then said he wants to have sex with his biological mother, who he finally met last year. FML

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By failhusband - 10/7/2009 23:18 - United States

Today, my wife and I decided to try a relationship book. The first activity was to write down some things your partner does that bothers you. I made a very long list, then my wife and I swapped papers. She'd written, "nothing, I love everything about you." She read my list and began tearing up. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2013 23:58 - United States

Today, I forgot my key inside my apartment. My boyfriend suggested we ask a neighbor to open it. I explained we don't all have the same key, to which he responded, "Well how come they all have the same doorknobs?" FML

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By authorsubmit - 4/5/2012 12:49 - United States

Today, I was at the gym trying to impress a hot girl, so I put an extra 30 pounds on the bar, I lowered, pushed... and pooped. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2012 17:57 - Germany - Hagen

Today, I was babysitting a six year old girl, when I saw a huge spider on the wall. I screamed and told her to stay back. Instead, she walked up to the spider, squished it, and told me to stop being such a baby. FML

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By sis - 19/2/2018 16:30 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I went shopping with my sister’s husband to help him choose a birthday gift for her. My sister’s insane friend saw us, followed us, and caused a huge screaming scene in the middle of the mall accusing us of having an affair. FML

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By hannibal - 2/11/2010 13:44 - Australia

Today, I heard a loud-speaker announcement in my college that someone had left their car in the car park, still running, with keys in the ignition. I laughed at that person's foolishness until I realised it was mine. FML

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By eric - 16/3/2011 07:31 - United States

Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML

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By Fmyoffice - 27/11/2009 19:51 - United Kingdom

Today, for the third time this week, my boss made me switch desks. Each new desk is closer to the door than the last one. I think he's trying to tell me something. FML

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By owowowow - 24/7/2010 01:30 - Canada

Today, I found out how much it hurts to be shot with a paintball in your open mouth. My mouth was only open to say I was hit. FML

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By purged - 8/6/2013 23:43 - United States - Mechanicsville

Today, my boyfriend and I watched the new movie "The Purge." After the movie, I jokingly asked him that if the U.S. had such a purge in real life, would he participate, and who would he kill first. Without missing a beat, he said, "you." FML

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By doggybag - 24/9/2009 05:17 - Canada

Today, I was walking my dogs. I had a doggy bag, and was holding it closed, then breathing in it, so it would blow up. My dogs 'went', so I picked it up and kept walking. As I was heading home, I absent-mindedly started blowing into the bag again. Everything ended up in my mouth and on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2014 16:31 - United States

Today, while waiting in line at a store, a toddler behind me was throwing a major meltdown while his father yelled at him, giving me a migraine. I turned to the woman behind me and said, "Can you believe this kid? I feel sorry for his mother." Turns out the woman was his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2009 23:20 - Canada

Today, I had to be go to the ER after I fell on a rake. After having stiches put in, my Mom wanted me to go to the store with her. My friend saw me at the store and thought it would be funny to rip off the band aid because she thought I was hiding a zit. She ripped out my stitches. FML

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By Clare - 21/2/2011 23:15 - Canada

Today, I desperately tried to explain to my boyfriend why he shouldn't talk about the bible during sex. He honestly doesn't understand. FML

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By ismerf19 - 22/12/2010 00:05

Today, I was working in a restaurant. On the receipt under "tip" someone actually took the time to write out "$0.00." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2019 00:02

Missing the point 101

Today, I told my mom I lost 30 pounds because of an eating disorder. She told me to keep up the good work. FML

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By FML - 24/12/2011 01:32 - Sweden

Today, after having recently moved 300 miles to be with my boyfriend of 2 years, I have to celebrate Christmas alone. He never thought our relationship important enough to tell his family about me, and doesn't want it to be "awkward." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 01:24 - United States - Dallas

Today, at a Christmas party, a cute girl was making a show of standing under some mistletoe. As I walked over, she quickly moved away in the opposite direction. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 14:00

Mah freedoms!

Today, my roommate told me she's coming back from her family's large house in Reno to Hawaii, because she "wants to work." We have a 14-day visitor's quarantine. And my workplace extended this to travellers' roommates. FML

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Top comments

By avaeric | 0

#39 - Tuesday 3 February 2009 15:33

I've got ya beat, Bananaphone once came on random, it was my music.

By your_a_towel | 0

#11784 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 1:40

hey man, i got you beat
when i was losin my virginity i was listening to bob marley, it was real chill. then the song " I wanna be a homosexual" by screeching weasel came on. not so cool.

COMMENTS

By avaeric | 0

#39 - Tuesday 3 February 2009 15:33

I've got ya beat, Bananaphone once came on random, it was my music.

Reply

LtDelicious | 0

#381538 - Thursday 9 July 2009 10:16

lol @ 1! and by the way, your a tool for lasting through two songs haha! how does it feel to suck at sex? once a minute man always a minute man lol

Reply

troyboyd05 | 0

#956381 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 3:47

LtDelicous you're a huge tool with a small cock. Read the post before you talk shit.

Reply

jonnyplayzaguita | 0

#965676 - Sunday 21 March 2010 8:18

how is this an fml rape me is an awesome song so wat its called rape me its a fuckin awesome song

Reply

nosedive1994 | 0

#980716 - Saturday 17 April 2010 2:16

LMAO haha! btw if u lasted that long ur first time you have nothing to worry about!

By yennichan | 0

#45 - Tuesday 3 February 2009 16:22

dude....you lasted through one song....and a bit into another...and your proud of that?....i mean its not like ur a minute man...but....thats damn close....

Reply

isminei | 6

#2916432 - Sunday 17 July 2011 22:13

it was his first time

Reply

The_FMLs | 0

#3249568 - Wednesday 7 September 2011 3:26

Maybe that stuff turns him on

Reply

fml8396 | 0

#3415387 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 1:09

Hahha that's so wrong!

Reply

Suptnik | 9

#5364507 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 5:48

#94, I didn't even finish my first time and it lasted for a little over an hour. Everyone is different.

Reply

shea300 | 5

#5881213 - Monday 10 March 2014 15:46

Exactly the same , even while get a blow job or jerked off I last at least 30-45 mins , porn stars are born , not made.

By thepokeduck | 0

#586 - Sunday 8 February 2009 1:29

http://xkcd.com/400/

By effit | 0

#812 - Monday 9 February 2009 9:31

I've had sex to my boyfriend with "Beat it upright" by korn... look up those lyrics sometime.

Reply

Iwannabetreo | 11

#380283 - Thursday 9 July 2009 0:53

Hahahahahahahahaha!

Reply

LtDelicious | 0

#381540 - Thursday 9 July 2009 10:18

Indestructible by Disturbed makes you feel like a beast while fxcking lol

Reply

Iissosmart | 5

#2078932 - Sunday 13 February 2011 19:54

Fucking listen to "Prostatic Fluid Asphyxiation" by Whitechapel. Here is the first line "Raping her. Hacking. Slashing. Violating her."

By MCart_fml | 0

#1132 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 23:52

Probably better to make a play list for sex instead of picking one song and leaving it up to itunes...

By Tri_fml | 5

#5165 - Sunday 22 February 2009 5:21

That made me lol irl. Not FML, but fucking hilarious :)

By stupidLes | 0

#5541 - Sunday 22 February 2009 23:38

LOL
1) The right question is: did she finished?
2) She has a better taste in music than u do.
3) U got some good advices here like KoRn (start with Daddy... then Love Song), NIN, metal.

Reply

xerbrus | 14

#5826027 - Monday 13 January 2014 12:59

Daddy??? are you fucking serious do you even understand that song? youre fucking sick

By Gio_fml | 6

#5757 - Monday 23 February 2009 9:23

This is funny stuff dude ROFLMMFAO

By claritin | 0

#6337 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 8:55

#34-
I'm a girl who can be totally into that gushy shit and even I thought it was lame.

By Tyler_Durden_fml | 0

#10025 - Sunday 1 March 2009 12:49

Well, maybe she liked it. She might be more kinky than you think.

Reply

ninjapiratejesus_fml | 20

#4257293 - Wednesday 4 April 2012 9:38

Fight club is one of the best movies ever made

Reply

laurenlovesjb | 20

#5197523 - Thursday 29 November 2012 15:42

I love Justin Bieber.

Reply

Secret_Ninjaa | 35

#5852056 - Saturday 8 February 2014 17:04

JB sucks