Love: Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other.... - FML

By RollieCollieUSA - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. Before, I reached over to her computer and put on "Your Body is a Wonderland". Surprisingly, I lasted through the song and didn't realize her itunes was on random. "Rape me" by Nirvana came on. I still finished. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

True hero

Trust

By patate

Today, I was yelled at and almost fired for showing up "late" to work. I was the first one here. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm 19 years old and, having never been on a date, I agreed to let my friend set me up. He was adorable, young, with blond hair and blue eyes...and 4 years old. My friend tricked me into babysitting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a late Christmas present from my estranged father. I was really excited, having neither seen nor heard from him in nearly two years. It was a $200 gift card for a store that only exists in Canada. I don't live in Canada. Not even close. FML

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By nen_00 - United States

Today, I realized the guy I've been hooking up with has a daughter who is a year younger than me. As if that wasn't bad enough, I also found out she had a child of her own. I've been hooking up with a grandpa. FML

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By damniphone - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to change the language setting on my phone to Mandarin. Unfortunately, neither of us knows Mandarin, and we can't change it back to English. FML

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By sweetnan - Chile - Santiago

Nice, thanks

Today, I finally accepted my grandma's friend request on Facebook. I commented on a family photo album she'd uploaded, joking that the quality would greatly improve once she added pictures of me. My comment was met with, "Shut up you sewage rat". FML

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By Anonymous - Chile - Santiago

Today, I opened up to my parents about my depression. Their response was to have a very heated discussion about whose fault it was. FML

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By ditched - Canada

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. We went inside the theatre and he saw a couple of his friends. Instead of saying hi and coming back to watch the movie with me, he ditched me for them. When I reminded him he was forgetting something, he grabbed the popcorn out of my hands and left. FML

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By icanteven - United States - Florence

Today, one of my employees called in after his 8-hour shift, explaining that he had bed bugs at home, found one on his shirt, and thinks they are in the store. I own a mattress shop. They'd spread. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, despite filling all the parameters for a model employee and being praised by multiple people over the time I was working, I was fired because a client complained to my manager that I didn't seem to know what I was doing. FML

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By Angela17

Today, it's 3:42am and my son is crying because I won't let him play with his dirty diaper. FML

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By unicornlovet - Canada - Calgary

Today, I filled in for my absent pregnant co-worker like I have done since she went on disability a month ago, at the job I’ve been doing for 15 months. Today the replacement they hired also came to work, and I had to train her since she has more experience and got the maternity leave position over me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a new pair of glasses, and was driving home. While waiting at a stop sign, I noticed a homeless guy touching himself. He saw me, smiled and waved, and then continued. So much for my new eyesight. FML

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By LadyLou - Australia

Today, at work, a customer told me that my teeth would make a very pretty necklace. FML

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By ThatOneGirl646 - United States

Today, my mother threatened me if I keep wearing yoga pants to school, she's going to have my dad pick me up in a speedo. FML

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By bleeding - United States

Today, while I was waiting for an interview, I picked at a something I felt on my chin thinking that it was just some food. I had a good interview. Then I got into my car and looked in the mirror, and saw that I had blood smeared all over my chin. Turns out I had picked a zit. No one told me. FML

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By CatLady - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to give his cat medicine. Unfortunately, it reacted in a way it never had before: clawed his arms to bits, bit him so hard a tooth fell out, peed everywhere, including on me, and pooped on the carpet. FML

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By Catie - United States

Today, my husband and I went to the state fair. The entire time, he complained about all the money we were losing because of the high prices of both rides and food. Towards the end of the night, we counted the cash we had left and found we were $50 short. Apparently, it fell out of his pocket. FML

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By slcbabii23 - United States

Today, I realized how much I'm on the computer. I tried to "CTRL+Z" on something I wrote down on my paper. FML

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By MitchFail - United States

Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I am so hot, I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply "I didn't know you were into Pokémon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokémon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML

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By Girlygal32 - 13/9/2020 08:02 - United States

Contagion

Today, my mother chewed me out for not wearing deodorant and smelling of B.O. I was wearing plenty of deodorant. My shirt just smelled like my boyfriend, whom I'd been cuddling with earlier. FML

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By bready - United States

Today, I drank a ton of beers for my 25th birthday. My friends love to watch me open beer bottles with my teeth. I chipped both of my front uppers doing this. I'm no longer covered by my parents dental insurance because I'm 25 now. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Subiaco

Today, I was complimented on my improved performance over the last 3 months. My boss said he doesn't know what I've done to improve, but to keep it up. I'd only started looking for another job, and stopped giving a shit. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 17:01

Birthday blues

Today, I turned 39 and I finally had my very first surprise birthday party. It was held by a group of video game animals in Animal Crossing instead of by real people, because I'm not important enough to them to remember my birthday without Facebook's intervention. FML

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By not laughing anymore - Netherlands - Egelshoek

Today, since my finals are starting tomorrow, I made a joke about setting my math books on fire. I laughed. Friends laughed. Parents laughed. Guess what subject just managed to actually get in touch with my scented candles? FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2020 08:04

Sounds wholesome…

Today, my grandmother told me that my grandfather was a great man, and that he did a lot for the state of Ohio. When I got home, I googled him. He was the leader of one of the biggest KKK groups in America. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - High Point

Today, while driving to a client's home, I received a text. Since I loathe those who text and drive, I pulled into a convenience store's parking lot. While I was texting, a car sped into the lot, rear-ending my car. FML

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By BigmouthStrikesAgain - United Kingdom

Today, after a tennis lesson, the coach was picking up the stray tennis balls around the court. Trying to be helpful, I asked him, "Do you want me to grab your ball bag?" His eyeballs almost burst out of their sockets. FML

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By tiffylueg

Today, my allergies are killing me. I took a Benadryl to help, but the allergies are still here. I'm now chugging Mountain Dew at 9:30 in the morning to keep from falling asleep at my desk. Thanks for nothing Benadryl. FML

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By Joanna

Today, during sex I said my side dick's name instead of my boyfriend. He isn't speaking to me now. FML

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By shitty day - United States

Today, I have the stomach flu. If my belly growls, I have 30 seconds or less to get to the bathroom. I can't go to the doctor for fear of shitting my pants on the trip there. FML

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By satega - United States - Smithville

Today, I asked my manager if wearing makeup was a requirement for the job. She told me, "Not if you're naturally pretty... So for you, yes". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I walked to work. I later discovered that my husband had parked my car in a no-parking area. My job is towing cars. I had to tow my own car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spanaway

Today, at my wedding, the minister forgot to skip the "does anyone object?" part. My mother stood up and gave a lengthy reason, which caused my future in-laws to start shouting. It turned into a small riot, and no, we're not married now. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mom called me to tell me she'd got in touch with my ex for his birthday, and that the two of them had made a plan for us to get back together. My new boyfriend was in the process of proposing to me. FML

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By anne - United States

Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 14:02

Sewer monster

Today, I realized my morbidly obese sibling's favorite bathroom to use is whichever one is closest to me during the day. Three floors of living space and the monster wants to drop a nuke where the odors are certain to waft to my nose three times a day. Every. Single. Day. FML

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By dusty

Today I picked my baby up from my babysitter's house. As I was getting him ready for bed, I saw blood and immediately went into a panic, rushing to the hospital and trying to contact her to see if my baby fell and she didn't tell me. Turns out it was just hot Cheeto dust mixed with drool. FML

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By Anonymous - Estonia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. I tried to hide my sadness from my mom. She still noticed, and tried to cheer me up. She took me to a funeral. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML

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Top comments

By avaeric | 0

#39 - Tuesday 3 February 2009 15:33

I've got ya beat, Bananaphone once came on random, it was my music.

By your_a_towel | 0

#11784 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 1:40

hey man, i got you beat
when i was losin my virginity i was listening to bob marley, it was real chill. then the song " I wanna be a homosexual" by screeching weasel came on. not so cool.

COMMENTS

By avaeric | 0

#39 - Tuesday 3 February 2009 15:33

I've got ya beat, Bananaphone once came on random, it was my music.

Reply

LtDelicious | 0

#381538 - Thursday 9 July 2009 10:16

lol @ 1! and by the way, your a tool for lasting through two songs haha! how does it feel to suck at sex? once a minute man always a minute man lol

Reply

troyboyd05 | 0

#956381 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 3:47

LtDelicous you're a huge tool with a small cock. Read the post before you talk shit.

Reply

jonnyplayzaguita | 0

#965676 - Sunday 21 March 2010 8:18

how is this an fml rape me is an awesome song so wat its called rape me its a fuckin awesome song

Reply

nosedive1994 | 0

#980716 - Saturday 17 April 2010 2:16

LMAO haha! btw if u lasted that long ur first time you have nothing to worry about!

By yennichan | 0

#45 - Tuesday 3 February 2009 16:22

dude....you lasted through one song....and a bit into another...and your proud of that?....i mean its not like ur a minute man...but....thats damn close....

Reply

isminei | 6

#2916432 - Sunday 17 July 2011 22:13

it was his first time

Reply

The_FMLs | 0

#3249568 - Wednesday 7 September 2011 3:26

Maybe that stuff turns him on

Reply

fml8396 | 0

#3415387 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 1:09

Hahha that's so wrong!

Reply

Suptnik | 9

#5364507 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 5:48

#94, I didn't even finish my first time and it lasted for a little over an hour. Everyone is different.

Reply

shea300 | 5

#5881213 - Monday 10 March 2014 15:46

Exactly the same , even while get a blow job or jerked off I last at least 30-45 mins , porn stars are born , not made.

By thepokeduck | 0

#586 - Sunday 8 February 2009 1:29

http://xkcd.com/400/

By effit | 0

#812 - Monday 9 February 2009 9:31

I've had sex to my boyfriend with "Beat it upright" by korn... look up those lyrics sometime.

Reply

Iwannabetreo | 11

#380283 - Thursday 9 July 2009 0:53

Hahahahahahahahaha!

Reply

LtDelicious | 0

#381540 - Thursday 9 July 2009 10:18

Indestructible by Disturbed makes you feel like a beast while fxcking lol

Reply

Iissosmart | 5

#2078932 - Sunday 13 February 2011 19:54

Fucking listen to "Prostatic Fluid Asphyxiation" by Whitechapel. Here is the first line "Raping her. Hacking. Slashing. Violating her."

By MCart_fml | 0

#1132 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 23:52

Probably better to make a play list for sex instead of picking one song and leaving it up to itunes...

By Tri_fml | 5

#5165 - Sunday 22 February 2009 5:21

That made me lol irl. Not FML, but fucking hilarious :)

By stupidLes | 0

#5541 - Sunday 22 February 2009 23:38

LOL
1) The right question is: did she finished?
2) She has a better taste in music than u do.
3) U got some good advices here like KoRn (start with Daddy... then Love Song), NIN, metal.

Reply

xerbrus | 14

#5826027 - Monday 13 January 2014 12:59

Daddy??? are you fucking serious do you even understand that song? youre fucking sick

By Gio_fml | 6

#5757 - Monday 23 February 2009 9:23

This is funny stuff dude ROFLMMFAO

By claritin | 0

#6337 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 8:55

#34-
I'm a girl who can be totally into that gushy shit and even I thought it was lame.

By Tyler_Durden_fml | 0

#10025 - Sunday 1 March 2009 12:49

Well, maybe she liked it. She might be more kinky than you think.

Reply

ninjapiratejesus_fml | 20

#4257293 - Wednesday 4 April 2012 9:38

Fight club is one of the best movies ever made

Reply

laurenlovesjb | 20

#5197523 - Thursday 29 November 2012 15:42

I love Justin Bieber.

Reply

Secret_Ninjaa | 35

#5852056 - Saturday 8 February 2014 17:04

JB sucks