Love: Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other.... - FML

By RollieCollieUSA - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. Before, I reached over to her computer and put on "Your Body is a Wonderland". Surprisingly, I lasted through the song and didn't realize her itunes was on random. "Rape me" by Nirvana came on. I still finished. FML

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Season finale

Gas giant

You've got some explaining to do

By Brokeandangry

Today, I bought my kids new mattresses for their new beds. Within 24 hours my son did a cannon ball onto his sister's bed to prove that it wouldn't break. The box spring snapped in half. FML

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By AdriBAMF - United States

Today, I got asked to Homecoming by the person I really like. I said yes and I was really excited. But my best friend who has liked me since the 6th grade wasn't. He went and broke my date's jaw. FML

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By saynotochrispine - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that we would be living out one of his fantasies. When I showed up, ready to go, he began playing the theme song to Star Trek and asked me to call him Mr. Spock. FML

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By CyberHex305

Today, I went to Men's Warehouse to pick up my tux. They mistakenly set the pick-up date for the 30th of next month. My prom is tomorrow. FML

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By iloveyoutoomom - France

Today, my mom had an appointment with my teacher after class. She never showed. My teacher ended up driving me home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in marching band, the guy in front of me backed up too far. As we turned, the back of his trombone hit mine, smashing it into my lip. I had to finish the song, sending blood down my horn. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Scarborough

Today, my grandmother convinced me to come to a church meeting with her. My grandmother then made funny faces at me while the pastor was speaking, causing me to laugh out loud. Everyone heard me, including the pastor. FML

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By FUSMC - United States

Today, I came home on leave from a 7 month deployment to Iraq. I wanted to see my girlfriend today, but she needed to spend time with her sick grandmother. As it turns out, her sick grandmother and my cousin are the same person. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I gave a man a cigarette. He spent the rest of the day so far following me around, telling me all about his medical history, and chasing after me when I got too far away. I couldn't get rid of him for hours. FML

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By howannoying - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my mother started cursing at a lady for tooting her horn at her in traffic, because there was "no need for road rage". When I tried to calm her down, she slammed on the brakes and told me to get out and walk. FML

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By anonymiss - Canada

Today, half asleep, I dropped my pill before I could take it. I quickly picked it up and washed it down. Five hours later, I just found my pill on the ground. What did I swallow? FML

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By bloodyhell - United States

Good God, man…

Today, my dad tried to convert me, as he has numerous times before, and asked me why I was an atheist. After giving him a polite explanation and asking him if we could drop the subject, he nodded slowly and said, "You must be menstruating or something. You'll change your mind." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to see a movie. After getting my seat, I went out to get food. Coming back, I saw the security guard. Thinking he would ask me for my ticket, I moved all the food to one hand to get the ticket in my pocket. I spilled it all. He didn't ask to see it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was applying for a job at a corporate office. Everything went fine until I hurled all over the manager, who until then seemed to like me. Never eat expired canned tuna on the same day as an interview. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hills

Today, I went downstairs completely naked to get water, completely forgetting that my daughter had a sleepover and they were in the living room. The ice dispenser woke some of them up, including my daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 00:30

My little boy

Today, my 12 year-old son came home with two broken arms after finding an awesome place to ride his bike. He found a sweet jump and his handlebars broke. He's currently in slings and waiting for an appointment with a surgeon, the breaks were so bad, the hospital couldn't reset them. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

The Terror

Today, it's my first day off in over two months. My colleagues disagree - they won't stop calling me. I'm not allowed to turn my phone off. FML

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By Just keep the pins - Sweden - Floda

Today, it's been 2 months since I broke up with my boyfriend. He's been texting me every time he found a bobby pin at his house that belonged to me, saying we should both see it as a sign of us belonging together. If he keeps this up every time he finds one, the texts will probably never stop. FML

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By Anonymous - Malawi

Today, I went to a coworker's wedding. Instead of getting to celebrate their marriage, we spent most of the service being lectured by the priest on how women are a freak by-product of "God's masterpiece design" and are the cause of all the world's problems. FML

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By foxytheologian

Today, I was hit by an unmanned semi truck that rolled down an embankment onto the highway. I'm fine, but the entire left side of my car is smashed in. The idiot responsible had to be dragged down the hill by the cops. Apparently, he was peeing and forgot to put the parking brake on. FML

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By blegh - United States

Today, I fell going down the stairs to the subway platform during rush hour. Someone was kind enough to help me up and someone else was kind enough to steal my iPhone which had fallen out of my pocket and landed nearby. FML

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By mymidlifecrisis - United States - Valley Village

Today, after years in a relationship I realized that my partner does not like the music I listen to, the food I cook, the pictures I take, the way I dress. The only thing she likes is when I take her out to eat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a science test. A question asked, "What is the first stage of photosynthesis?" I didn't know, so just trying to be light-hearted, I wrote, "The plant must first believe in itself." My teacher didn't think it was funny, and gave me detention for insulting her intelligence. FML

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By sickday

Today, I took my first holiday from work in over 6 months as it was my birthday. Today was also the day I woke up and vomited violently for 10 straight hours as a result of food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Astoria

Today, a stranger nearly beat the crap out of my boyfriend for being a pedo. I ended up showing the guy my driving license to prove I'm not a pre-teen and that I'm just freakishly young looking. FML

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By iamamermaid - United States - Hemet

Today, I decided to use an at-home waxing kit for the first time to get rid of the hair on my upper lip. After experiencing the trauma of waxing, I fell asleep. A few hours later, I woke up to see that I now have acne everywhere I had waxed. I have an acne mustache. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lakeland

Today, I found out that my three closest online friends are the same person: my obsessive ex. I met all three before he and I even started dating. FML

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By flying solo - United States

Today, my roomate took the toilet paper out of my bathroom. I went into his room to look for it, only to find a large wad of it balled up near his laptop and mouse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Yukon

Today, I spent over $20 at the laundromat doing two weeks of laundry, just to avoid using the facilities in my apartment complex and having to deal with my creepy landlord trying to steal my underwear again. FML

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By Tired - United States - San Francisco

Today, I showed up to work at 6am, only to find out the schedule was changed. I wasn't actually supposed to be there until 9:15. My boss never told me this. I didn't get to go home either, he just said "Oh well. Get to work." FML

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By mademoiselle meurtre - United States - Belleville

Today, I had to explain to my rabidly religious brother how two transvestites can buy fish at Petco while he's buying the same fish at the same Petco, and it doesn't equate to hitting on him. It's been two hours, and he's still sitting outside my door reading Bible verses and praying aggressively. FML

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By Des

Today, my new neighbors moved in across the street. Also today, they began to park at the end of my driveway. Not used to a car being there, I backed out and promptly hit it. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

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By Anon - United States - Lakeville

Today, my brother and I had a long argument. He believes wholeheartedly that pineapples are not actually fruits, but berries. When I showed him a google search, he accused me of "faking" it. FML

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By DeeDee - Austria - Vienna

Today, my brother came to my first standup comedy act. He'd apparently read my material beforehand, and kept finishing my jokes for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2021 16:58 - United States

Capitalism, baby!

Today, it's day three of my dad not shutting up and still complaining about the Super Bowl commercials being "too woke". FML

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By driven_crazy - United States - Newark

Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always uses them to rant at us and tell us to be better employees. When the speech began, the alarm I have set for my daily birth control went off. It's the sound of an obnoxious screaming child. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was scrolling through Instagram when I got a new follow suggestion. I checked her feed, and found out it was my ex-fiancé’s newest fiancée. And he'd proposed to her using an $185 ring I'd bought myself for my birthday last year. FML

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By Meowit - United States - Livonia

Today, it's my birthday, and everyone, family and friends, forgot. Except my dog who left me a present on my bed. FML

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By Zooep

Today, I had to prepare for my big meeting tomorrow morning. Before going to bed, I washed my face. Unfortunately, the towel I wiped myself with turned out to house our red ant infestation. My face looks like a ripe tomato. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nottingham

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I was afraid that one of their many cats would pee on me. I was peed on all right, by my grandma. FML

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Top comments

By avaeric | 0

#39 - Tuesday 3 February 2009 15:33

I've got ya beat, Bananaphone once came on random, it was my music.

By your_a_towel | 0

#11784 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 1:40

hey man, i got you beat
when i was losin my virginity i was listening to bob marley, it was real chill. then the song " I wanna be a homosexual" by screeching weasel came on. not so cool.

COMMENTS

By avaeric | 0

#39 - Tuesday 3 February 2009 15:33

I've got ya beat, Bananaphone once came on random, it was my music.

Reply

LtDelicious | 0

#381538 - Thursday 9 July 2009 10:16

lol @ 1! and by the way, your a tool for lasting through two songs haha! how does it feel to suck at sex? once a minute man always a minute man lol

Reply

troyboyd05 | 0

#956381 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 3:47

LtDelicous you're a huge tool with a small cock. Read the post before you talk shit.

Reply

jonnyplayzaguita | 0

#965676 - Sunday 21 March 2010 8:18

how is this an fml rape me is an awesome song so wat its called rape me its a fuckin awesome song

Reply

nosedive1994 | 0

#980716 - Saturday 17 April 2010 2:16

LMAO haha! btw if u lasted that long ur first time you have nothing to worry about!

By yennichan | 0

#45 - Tuesday 3 February 2009 16:22

dude....you lasted through one song....and a bit into another...and your proud of that?....i mean its not like ur a minute man...but....thats damn close....

Reply

isminei | 6

#2916432 - Sunday 17 July 2011 22:13

it was his first time

Reply

The_FMLs | 0

#3249568 - Wednesday 7 September 2011 3:26

Maybe that stuff turns him on

Reply

fml8396 | 0

#3415387 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 1:09

Hahha that's so wrong!

Reply

Suptnik | 9

#5364507 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 5:48

#94, I didn't even finish my first time and it lasted for a little over an hour. Everyone is different.

Reply

shea300 | 5

#5881213 - Monday 10 March 2014 15:46

Exactly the same , even while get a blow job or jerked off I last at least 30-45 mins , porn stars are born , not made.

By thepokeduck | 0

#586 - Sunday 8 February 2009 1:29

http://xkcd.com/400/

By effit | 0

#812 - Monday 9 February 2009 9:31

I've had sex to my boyfriend with "Beat it upright" by korn... look up those lyrics sometime.

Reply

Iwannabetreo | 11

#380283 - Thursday 9 July 2009 0:53

Hahahahahahahahaha!

Reply

LtDelicious | 0

#381540 - Thursday 9 July 2009 10:18

Indestructible by Disturbed makes you feel like a beast while fxcking lol

Reply

Iissosmart | 5

#2078932 - Sunday 13 February 2011 19:54

Fucking listen to "Prostatic Fluid Asphyxiation" by Whitechapel. Here is the first line "Raping her. Hacking. Slashing. Violating her."

By MCart_fml | 0

#1132 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 23:52

Probably better to make a play list for sex instead of picking one song and leaving it up to itunes...

By Tri_fml | 5

#5165 - Sunday 22 February 2009 5:21

That made me lol irl. Not FML, but fucking hilarious :)

By stupidLes | 0

#5541 - Sunday 22 February 2009 23:38

LOL
1) The right question is: did she finished?
2) She has a better taste in music than u do.
3) U got some good advices here like KoRn (start with Daddy... then Love Song), NIN, metal.

Reply

xerbrus | 14

#5826027 - Monday 13 January 2014 12:59

Daddy??? are you fucking serious do you even understand that song? youre fucking sick

By Gio_fml | 6

#5757 - Monday 23 February 2009 9:23

This is funny stuff dude ROFLMMFAO

By claritin | 0

#6337 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 8:55

#34-
I'm a girl who can be totally into that gushy shit and even I thought it was lame.

By Tyler_Durden_fml | 0

#10025 - Sunday 1 March 2009 12:49

Well, maybe she liked it. She might be more kinky than you think.

Reply

ninjapiratejesus_fml | 20

#4257293 - Wednesday 4 April 2012 9:38

Fight club is one of the best movies ever made

Reply

laurenlovesjb | 20

#5197523 - Thursday 29 November 2012 15:42

I love Justin Bieber.

Reply

Secret_Ninjaa | 35

#5852056 - Saturday 8 February 2014 17:04

JB sucks