Transportation: Today, my friends and I finished a 2 day, 40km bush walk. We... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 100

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 625

You deserved it 102

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 601

You deserved it 40

31/05/2010 11:59

Today, my friends and I finished a 2 day, 40km bush walk. We parked a car at the finish of the track and drove another car to the start, so we could drive back and pick it up when we finished. At the end of the trek, I realised I had left the keys for the second car in the first car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 124

You deserved it 35 880

And today, on Dr Phil…

Another great day to be alive

Classic cat

21/07/2012 04:48

Today, I heard screaming coming from my neighbor's house. Since her husband has a history of abusing her, I called the cops. After they left with him in custody, she called to yell at me because they were "working things out" after "having a few drinks". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 292

You deserved it 2 524

19/08/2019 16:00

Today, my husband is still swearing he’s not cheating, forgetting I have a bachelor's in criminal justice with a minor in criminology. Leaving for work 2 hours early going to the same address every morning? Late every evening going to the same said address? How stupid does he think I am? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 932

You deserved it 331

Oh no, she's back

By Anonymous - 19/08/2021 18:01

Today, I learned that the respondents on the Suicide Hotline recognize me, and not fondly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 774

You deserved it 163

03/01/2015 21:16

Today, as I left the supermarket, I found someone had hit my car in the parking lot. There was a note tucked under the wipers. Insurance details? Nope. It just said "Sorry dude. I fucked up. Good luck with the car." Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 020

You deserved it 2 265

25/07/2014 06:05

Today, I was cooking bacon while my dog watched me, drooling. I thought this was funny and I teased her a bit. I then slipped in the drool as I was carrying the bacon and she got to enjoy it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 209

You deserved it 55 624

16/04/2013 10:50

Today, working in customer support, I received a call from a woman who'd just been robbed. My supervisor asked what was taking so long; I told him that she was hysterical. He took my phone and told her to call back when she had her "shit together", then hung up. I take orders from this man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 258

You deserved it 4 003

04/11/2018 03:00

Today, I went home with my cute coworker. What started out as a little dirty talk and teasing ended with him admitting he was in a terrible emotional place and sending me home in an Uber so he could sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 649

You deserved it 379

09/12/2018 13:00

Today, not only did I find out that my 13 year old daughter is pregnant, I found out that she did it on purpose ‘to prove that she’s responsible’. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 409

You deserved it 661

28/01/2010 01:29

Today, my boyfriend and I started our diet. After a long day of being held accountable for every calorie I ate, I went home to sneak a snack. My boyfriend came over to surprise me, and found me on the couch shoveling left-over Indian food into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 233

You deserved it 49 452

20/02/2011 08:35

Today, I woke up to an angry snake trying to climb the leg of my bed. My bedroom was closed all day yesterday. It must have gotten in my room days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 004

You deserved it 3 096

Played a blinder

By hereforfmls - 26/12/2019 05:00

Today, I felt something hit my eye as I was riding on my bike. My glasses ended up falling off. I looked for them for ten minutes before giving up. I ran over them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 522

You deserved it 399

18/01/2010 06:36

Today, I received a letter saying that I was accepted into university and that I qualified for a number of scholarships. Too bad an equivalent sum of money will be spent fixing the car I hit, after spinning out on ice, whilst driving home from said university. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 870

You deserved it 4 833

05/10/2011 08:59

Today, after a long bike-ride home, I thought my roommate was being a douche and holding the door shut to our apartment. After about ten minutes of shoulder-slamming and name calling, I discovered that I just wasn't turning the key all the way, which I found out when my roomie came home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 098

You deserved it 35 004

29/10/2014 17:06

Today, my dad vehemently refused to let me go on vacation to France with my best friend, because he watched Taken a few months ago and apparently forgot that it's just a movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 617

You deserved it 4 616

13/01/2016 23:03

Today, my fiancé's mother gave me a beautiful cross necklace to wear for my wedding. I'm Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 109

You deserved it 2 487

01/02/2010 19:29

Today, I was giving a class presentation, when I suddenly sneezed so hard I wet myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 819

You deserved it 4 099

04/11/2016 03:49

Today, my cat used his expensive new bed for the first time since he got it last month. He used it as a litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 932

You deserved it 1 262

DIY decoration tips

By CoyoteOldOne - 12/09/2020 08:59

Today, I got an empty peanut butter jar to put my used insulin needles in so nobody gets stuck. My husband washed it for me. He also wrote all over it: "F*** off! Sharps! Do not f***ing touch! Go away! Do not f***ing throw away!" Thanks, sweetie. Now it looks like a crazy guy shouting on the subway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 054

You deserved it 266

24/04/2014 15:28

Today, my toddler found my daughter's recorder from 3rd grade and figured out how to play the highest pitch note. Of course, my daughter pulls out her trombone to have a jam session. And I'm out of ibuprofen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 013

You deserved it 5 470

04/03/2010 01:26

Today, I was telling a new friend of mine about my boyfriend. I told her his name and where he is from. She interrupted me and says "Yeah drives a big white truck, rides dirt bikes?! I dated him two years ago!" This guy and I have dated for four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 191

You deserved it 2 728

14/12/2016 20:59

Today, my friend was complaining to me that she's gained 20 pounds and it's all gone to her butt and boobs. Meanwhile, I've also gained 20 pounds, and it's gone straight to my stomach. She looks better than she did before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 932

You deserved it 702

03/08/2012 18:31

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. I also found out that my best friend knew about it all along. When I confronted him, he tried to justify the betrayal by saying that she paid him to keep quiet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 351

You deserved it 1 967

28/02/2012 18:20

Today, I found out my roommate had mistaken my toothbrush for his dog's. So for the last month he's been using my toothbrush on his dog. The dog's favorite meal? Fresh cat poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 245

You deserved it 2 805

30/07/2009 13:56

Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 353

You deserved it 4 463

03/01/2011 11:18

Today, I was at my friend's house. We were looking at her dad's guns, and I was explaining gun safety and how you should never put your finger on the trigger. I then shot a hole in the floor of her house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 348

You deserved it 44 774

21/12/2016 20:02

Spicy

Today, I got my nipples pierced. Momentarily forgetting about the piercings, I started to lather up with my loofa. Shark week in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 293

You deserved it 4 951

Helicopter

By Anonymous - 31/07/2021 16:01

Today, my mother scolded me for having a lighter in my room. My reason I had it? The candle that she bought me for my 25th birthday. I don't even live with her anymore, she showed up uninvited, and started going through my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 951

You deserved it 77

06/09/2018 22:24

Today, I went to a support group for my porn addiction. I was hoping I wouldn't recognize anyone there. The first person I recognized was my dad, and the second was one of my professors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 851

You deserved it 449

14/04/2011 05:49

Today, I held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said, "Chivalry is dead?" He responded with, "Who's chivalry?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 193

You deserved it 7 846

19/07/2009 15:12

Today, I had a serious allergic reaction to the food I ate at a Chinese restaurant that supposedly didn't contain peanuts. According to my waitress, peanut oil "doesn't count". FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 499

You deserved it 4 622

19/04/2013 22:04

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my 12-year-old daughter lying on her bed, repeatedly opening and closing her legs. I asked her what she was doing, and she replied, "Trying to queef. I saw it online." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 327

You deserved it 7 388

20/08/2015 21:24

Today, while I was taking a long relaxing shower, the shower head decided to fly off and hit me in the face. The dentist couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 470

You deserved it 5 014

21/08/2009 20:13

Today, I was told by this big guy from school that I needed to stop stalking his girlfriend, and stop following her home from school. She's my neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 402

You deserved it 2 249

Incognito browsing

By Anonymous - 26/05/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, my dad is super overprotective and can view my search history through his phone. I'd downloaded the Google app to be able search for things he wouldn't approve of. I just realized I've been making all these searches on my school account. I go to a private school and they can view my search history. FML

I agree, your life sucks 905

You deserved it 2 145

Dating is hell

By ZombiKilla - 16/08/2016 02:46

Today, I went on a date. Met the guy at the restaurant, everything seemed to be going OK, but then he spent the entire dinner talking about Pokemon GO, and wouldn't let me say a word. He suddenly stops talking, gets up, says he, "doesn't feel a connection" and leaves. I had to pay the bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 467

You deserved it 1 537

20/06/2019 16:30

Today, I got on a crowded bus and was forced to stand. The bus made a sharp turn, so I reached for a pole to hold onto. Without looking, I grabbed the pole. It was wet and moist, but I nonetheless held on until the turn was done. I turned to see I had also grabbed a large man's nose and had squeezed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 192

You deserved it 833

28/10/2011 12:25

Today, I finally found out where my great grandmother's antique handheld mirror disappeared to. According to the headmaster, my eleven year old son has been using it to look up his classmates' dresses at school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 744

You deserved it 3 311

21/09/2011 12:38

Today, my girlfriend started to plan our wedding. We've been going out for 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 453

You deserved it 5 421

04/04/2009 09:19

Today, I took my son for a walk to tell him about the passing of our family dog. As we were walking by the river, Ozzy (our deceased dog) was laying on the riverbank. My son thought he just ran away and we found him. Turns out my husband was too cheap to pay the 100$ vet disposal fees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 425

You deserved it 5 964

06/01/2011 06:03

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on. My boyfriend noticed that every time I'm about to climax, I hit my head on something. Whether it's a wall or his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 358

You deserved it 6 097

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Monday 31 May 2010 19:26

Well at least you get to take in the beauty of nature for a second time lol

ABbaby 10

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Monday 31 May 2010 19:40

Now your friends can't trust you with anything important. That should have been the first thing on your mind to make sure was with you. YDI.

Comments

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Monday 31 May 2010 19:26

FYL

MonkeyBusiness_fml 3

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Monday 31 May 2010 20:10

ydi - for smoking crack

jasonsaied 1

Monday 31 May 2010 20:15

nah the op left the crack in the second car. did they leave the cell phone in there too?

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Monday 31 May 2010 20:28

ne

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Monday 31 May 2010 22:40

Get ready for round 2 (the trip back) xD

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Monday 31 May 2010 22:41

80km=1day. fail.

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Monday 31 May 2010 22:48

nevermind I'm stupid.

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Monday 31 May 2010 23:49

Call OnStar!!!

rauj13 0

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Monday 31 May 2010 23:53

Yea... Plan ahead properly next time. have a checklist or something.

degrassilovur 0

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Tuesday 1 June 2010 1:46

the more exercise the better :p..!! I hope u had a nice walk back..!!

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Tuesday 1 June 2010 6:27

Ashleigh25 your freaking beautiful!

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Monday 31 May 2010 19:26

Well at least you get to take in the beauty of nature for a second time lol

Silent_Harmony 3

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Monday 31 May 2010 19:26

idiot

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Monday 31 May 2010 19:26

How stupid.

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Tuesday 1 June 2010 1:36

I think I'm actually in love with your picture.

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Tuesday 1 June 2010 8:34

yea same :D

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Tuesday 1 June 2010 10:34

omg I love yours too :L

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Monday 31 May 2010 19:26

wow. sorry but your fuckking retarded.

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Monday 31 May 2010 19:58

agreed

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Monday 31 May 2010 19:29

stupid ass

luv_luv_lollipop 0

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Monday 31 May 2010 19:29

....wow so instead of going back to get them ur on Fml but if not still ydi keep ur keys on u

TheIrishJaneDoe 8

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Monday 31 May 2010 23:48

All FMLs start with "Today..." This could have happened last week or last year. Therefore, NO FML should EVER have a ""Stop posting and go ____" comment. Common sense, people.

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Tuesday 1 June 2010 3:53

I still don't understand why FMLs have to start with today. It's stupid.

BadPinkKitty07 0

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Monday 31 May 2010 19:30

sooo not an FML! come on, it's Australia! hop on the back of an emu and catch a ride back to the car. :P

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Monday 31 May 2010 19:31

haha

ABbaby 10

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Monday 31 May 2010 19:40

Now your friends can't trust you with anything important. That should have been the first thing on your mind to make sure was with you. YDI.