Transportation: Today, my friends and I finished a 2 day, 40km bush walk. We... - FML

By frgn8r - Australia

Today, my friends and I finished a 2 day, 40km bush walk. We parked a car at the finish of the track and drove another car to the start, so we could drive back and pick it up when we finished. At the end of the trek, I realised I had left the keys for the second car in the first car. FML

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Understandable

Taking stock

Mind control

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the mall. A little girl was walking around and telling everyone that they were pretty. When she got to me, she gave me a disgusted look and walked away. FML

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By halza - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, after a long 16 hour shift, I was milliseconds from sleep when my girlfriend said she "wants to talk". I'm now writing this from the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silver Spring

Today, at daycare, a little girl cussed me out because I didn't have any apple juice left. When I called her parents, they sided with her and cussed me out too. My boss refused to sympathize, and reprimanded me for not making sure we still had apple juice. FML

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By Sara - United States

Today, I woke up at 5:30 AM to my boyfriend flipping on the lights and shouting, "We have a problem!" Our chinchilla had gotten out of his maximum security cage, and half of our apartment is now underwater because he decided the water line that leads to the fridge would make a tasty midnight snack. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, when making a delivery for the restaurant I work for, a customer shoved and yelled at me because she didn't get any fries with her order. She didn't order any, which isn't unusual, considering we're a Chinese takeaway and don't even sell them. FML

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By NoMoney4Me - United States - York

Today, I went for a job interview. Before giving me a tour, the manager pointed to my purse and said, "Better leave that in my office." I didn't know why it was safer in her office than on my shoulder, but I complied. Later, I went to buy coffee and discovered that all my cash was missing. FML

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By undineA - Greece - Thessalon?ki

Today, feeling magnanimous, I decided to help a frail-looking old lady across a busy street. She managed to "accidentally" hit me in the balls with her cane no fewer than three times before we reached the other side. FML

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By barbieissocute - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, I flipped out with happiness over the new Barbies. I want to buy one. I'm almost 26. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I walked in on my father and brother attempting to harmonize their farts. FML

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By Chensticles - France

Today, I went to my hairdresser who promised me a haircut which "all the girls would want you" for. She gave me a combover. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while putting a drip in the back of an elderly patient's hand, he commented that he didn't realise doctors had pierced nipples, but not to worry because he's only in the hospital "for the b*tches". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rocklin

Today, I was out clubbing, when I saw a pair of very cute girls sitting at the bar, so I went over, hoping to introduce myself. I swung my leg over the stool, and through no fault of my own, sat on my own balls. I quickly got thrown out for "harassing the ladies." FML

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By sam.exe - United States - New York

Today, I was declined a sales position at a local store. As I headed out, I heard the interviewer telling a colleague, "Christ. That kid had less charisma than Microsoft Sam." FML

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By jalapeno_popper - Canada

Today, I learned the hard way why they say "four on the floor" at school. I leaned too far back while rocking in the chair and fell off. I grabbed the desk to save myself and it came down too. FML

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By marcy_89

Today, with 3 miles left of a 16-mile bike ride, I got a flat tire and had to push my bike back to my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a man dressed as Santa Claus walked by me, grabbing my butt. He smelled of pipe tobacco and pee. He pulled me close to him and whispered, "I bet you're naughty but you feel so nice." I looked dumbfounded at him as he winked and yelled, "You're on my list." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 05:01

Frustration level: 2000

Today, I have an incredibly high sex drive. My boyfriend doesn't. He made me throw away my, rarely used, sex toys because he's jealous of them. I wouldn't need them if we had sex more. FML

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By Pumpkin - United States

Today, I found out that my son is not really gay. He just told me that so I'd let him have girls in his bedroom. FML

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By hdat - Canada

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

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By Skatedump - South Africa

Today, on the one-year anniversary of my best friend committing suicide, my boyfriend of 2 years decides to dump me because he wants to focus on his skateboarding career. He doesn't even know how to skateboard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I forgot my phone on the roof of my car. I took a 30 minute drive from my friend's city to my city. I got on to my driveway, surprised to see my phone still there. Thinking I'm really lucky, I pick up my phone. Then, I trip over a pebble, cracking my phone in the process. FML

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By lynn777 - Canada

Today, I was walking home through the slush and snow when a car drove by, soaking me with dirty water. Frustrated, I flipped him off. He then turned around and splashed me again. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband got jealous of my new vibrator. I got the vibrator to "spice things up" between us, because he hasn't touched me in months. FML

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By Druggie - United States - Culver City

Today, after a week of being tired and depressed, I realized my bottles for anti-depressants and muscle relaxants had gotten switched around. FML

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By Enni

Today, my husband told me that, "a girl's orgasm serves no purpose". FML

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By man - United States

Today, I was hit by a car. I called my girlfriend from the hospital and asked her if she could pick me up. She responded by saying "Fuck you, you aways tell me what to do!" and hung up. FML

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By emilyparker - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went out with my best friend to McDonald's for a late night snack. Turns out she lied to me and just used me to pick up the boy she likes so they could go stargazing. I'm now laying beside them as they look at the stars and make out. I just want fries. FML

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By PickedOnByDamien - United States - Holyoke

Today, my bully made me cry once again. It's been going on for weeks. I don't know who to turn to; I can't say anything because I'd get into even more trouble. He even stole my Nintendo 3DS and won't give it back. My bully is my girlfriend's son. He's 10. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally found a reason to quit smoking. I threw my cigarette butt out the window and it blew back in, went down the back of my pants, and burnt my butt in 3 different places. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, my halitosis was so bad that when I blew onto my solution in chemistry class, it reacted. FML

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By TipsyTj - Canada - Kentville

Today, I was on my run, running past the home of the very attractive guy in my English class. This time he was outside. As I was running I casually waved, he waved back, but because I was distracted, I didn't notice a rock on the sidewalk and ended up tripping and pantsing myself. FML

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By hitnmiss66 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad turns around and says he was expecting him to have a guide dog. This is why I don't have much confidence in myself. FML

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By pukishgirl - India

Today, my boss was skeptical when I told her I had a terrible migraine and needed to go home for the day early. I removed all her doubts by puking over her. FML

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By workfordayzz - United States

Today, I realized that because of my construction job, I have spent such a huge amount of time with older, cynical guys that I keep uncontrollably using the phrase "fucking kids these days" regularly like an idiot. I'm 18. FML

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By Lizzy

Today, I tried to make things less awkward by complimenting my Tai Chi partner's ring and he says, "Thanks, it's a purity ring!" I said, "I used to have one of those. Would you believe me if I said I lost it in a river?" Now my entire Tai Chi class thinks I lost my virginity in a river. FML

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By kerdersty - Canada

Today, I was snowboarding when a skier cut me off, resulting in me colliding with a 12 year old girl. The girl was totally fine, and I was alright except for a slight nose bleed. I apologized to the girl, then her mom hit me over the back with a ski pole as I snowboarded away. FML

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By BlackRavenWings - United States

Today, I noticed a picture in an elderly patients room, of a pretty girl in a bikini. Trying to be funny and lighten the mood, I said, "Looks like you have some good eye candy to help you recover faster." With a stern look he replied, "That's my granddaughter." FML

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By Bad Dad - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, I went to go see my granddad in the hospital and asked if he needed anything. He replied, "I need you to get out and send that hot nurse in, I may be old but I still got it." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Keuka Park

Today, my boyfriend tried to claim it was my fault that he cheated on me, all because I "deprived" him of sex for two weeks last month when I went on a family vacation. If his mental gymnastics were physical, I swear he'd be able to suck his own cock. FML

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Top comments

By Panther_fml | 0

#1014026 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:26

Well at least you get to take in the beauty of nature for a second time lol

By ABbaby | 10

#1014056 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:40

Now your friends can't trust you with anything important.
That should have been the first thing on your mind to make sure was with you. YDI.

COMMENTS

By AliceSaysFYL | 0

#1014025 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:26

FYL

Reply

MonkeyBusiness_fml | 3

#1014095 - Monday 31 May 2010 20:10

ydi - for smoking crack

Reply

jasonsaied | 1

#1014102 - Monday 31 May 2010 20:15

nah the op left the crack in the second car. did they leave the cell phone in there too?

Reply

fmlbai | 0

#1014119 - Monday 31 May 2010 20:28

ne

Reply

iReaper | 0

#1014257 - Monday 31 May 2010 22:40

Get ready for round 2 (the trip back) xD

Reply

gorbeast | 0

#1014262 - Monday 31 May 2010 22:41

80km=1day. fail.

Reply

seanreddog | 4

#1014266 - Monday 31 May 2010 22:48

nevermind I'm stupid.

Reply

piinkbunnii | 1

#1014310 - Monday 31 May 2010 23:49

Call OnStar!!!

Reply

rauj13 | 0

#1014317 - Monday 31 May 2010 23:53

Yea... Plan ahead properly next time. have a checklist or something.

Reply

degrassilovur | 0

#1014412 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 1:46

the more exercise the better :p..!!
I hope u had a nice walk back..!!

Reply

cirrusSr22 | 0

#1014638 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 6:27

Ashleigh25 your freaking beautiful!

By Panther_fml | 0

#1014026 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:26

Well at least you get to take in the beauty of nature for a second time lol

By Silent_Harmony | 3

#1014028 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:26

idiot

By Freeze_fml | 16

#1014029 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:26

How stupid.

Reply

teresa_009 | 0

#1014404 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 1:36

I think I'm actually in love with your picture.

Reply

hackymeal | 0

#1014734 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 8:34

yea same :D

Reply

teresa_009 | 0

#1014887 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 10:34

omg I love yours too :L

By GWallac3 | 0

#1014030 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:26

wow. sorry but your fuckking retarded.

Reply

tnfan5594 | 0

#1014082 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:58

agreed

By junebug33 | 0

#1014033 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:29

stupid ass

By luv_luv_lollipop | 0

#1014036 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:29

....wow so instead of going back to get them ur on Fml but if not still ydi keep ur keys on u

Reply

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1014307 - Monday 31 May 2010 23:48

All FMLs start with "Today..." This could have happened last week or last year. Therefore, NO FML should EVER have a ""Stop posting and go ____" comment.

Common sense, people.

Reply

Primus_fml | 0

#1014515 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 3:53

I still don't understand why FMLs have to start with today. It's stupid.

By BadPinkKitty07 | 0

#1014037 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:30

sooo not an FML! come on, it's Australia! hop on the back of an emu and catch a ride back to the car. :P

By GiRl951 | 0

#1014039 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:31

haha

By ABbaby | 10

#1014056 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:40

Now your friends can't trust you with anything important.
That should have been the first thing on your mind to make sure was with you. YDI.