Today, my family checked into a hotel for spring break. The first...

By ShampooThief - 12/4/2015 03:05 - United States

Today, my family checked into a hotel for spring break. The first thing my brother did was steal all the bars of soap and bottles of shampoo. He's now guarding them, and hissing at anyone that tries to take them. I just want to take a shower. FML

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Kids

Understandable

Cold-blooded old times

Does it taste good?

By coyote - 2/9/2010 07:25 - Japan

Today, I'm recovering from abdominal surgery. In addition to pain, I'm having trouble peeing and haven't pooped since Sunday, so my surgeon prescribed a laxative. Turns out I'm allergic to it. Now I'm covered in hives, even in my ears, incisions, and lady parts. I also still haven't pooped. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, I gave a carpet shampooing demonstration in a stranger's home. To my surprise, the white expensive carpet was dyed grey due to something in the solution. The owner held me hostage in her house by barracading the door until my manager got there. FML

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By Eve - 24/6/2011 10:45 - Ireland

Today, as I passed my fiancé the pancakes I had just made, he vocalised his happiness with a groan that was EXACTLY like the one he makes when we have sex. So on a sexiness rating, I'm a pancake. FML

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By ip7 - 31/3/2015 19:24 - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, I was sitting in a library when a cute boy approached me, so I grabbed the nearest book. When he asked me what I was reading, I said I was revising for an English test. He laughed and pointed out that my book was in French. FML

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By Walmart Associate - 27/8/2018 03:30

Today, I was accused of being a racist whore at work. I had asked a man if he needed help finding anything, as that is part of my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2012 17:00 - United States

Today, when I woke up I checked my phone for messages, only to hear a woman screaming that I have been sleeping with her husband and that she is sending her 'people' after me. I have never met said husband. I panicked for hours only to receive a call telling me she had dialed the wrong number. FML

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By apple - 16/7/2010 19:38 - Netherlands

Today, it's my 18th birthday. I was telling my friends a story when my mom started talking. I simply said 'Mom...' so she'd realize she interrupted me. She gave me the finger and called me rude in front of all my friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2009 19:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were exchanging some naughty pictures. I accidentally sent one to everybody on my contacts, including my ex, my boss, and even Pizza Hut. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2010 00:19 - United States

Today, at the pool, I tried to impress the hot lifeguard by doing the perfect dive. Afterward, I realized my shorts were floating through the water. FML

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By Shaun - 16/6/2009 02:13 - United States

Today, I rode my bike to work. While biking on the road, I gave a hand signal for turning left. A car passing the opposite way veered towards me and attempted to give me a high five. I now have cuts all over my body and my bike is in two pieces. FML

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By Fillifilo - 18/4/2012 04:38 - France

Today, I was having a hard time waking up. When I sat down for breakfast, my chair rocked backwards. I reflexively grabbed out at something to hold on to. Unfortunately, I grabbed the cereal box that was on the table. FML

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By WPA2 OR DEATH - 7/12/2012 21:49 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my dad got a warning from our ISP for going well over their fair usage limit. I barely use our wifi, and I keep telling him he should password-protect our router to stop people leeching our Internet. He's blaming me anyway, and says I'm grounded until January. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2009 12:00 - Australia

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend meeting all of his friends for the first time. My boyfriend went into the kitchen to get me a drink, and after ten minutes I went looking for him. I discovered his friend holding two melons to his chest, mid explanation on how they look exactly like mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 00:05 - Canada

Today, I was walking into my living room when I slipped over the carpet, bashed my head on my glass table, and was moaning in pain on the floor. My parents came running when they heard my head bang... straight to the table to see if there were any scratches on it. FML

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By Noname - 31/12/2009 18:03 - France

Today, the incredibly handsome, talented, hilarious, and intelligent man that I've fallen head over heels like no other for is gay. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2019 05:00 - United States - El Paso

Today, I was cutting potatoes. I was cutting them slowly, being careful, but my mom told me to cut faster, that I wouldn't cut myself. I cut myself. FML

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By fml7458364838 - 25/6/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, I was texting the girl I am in love with. I was dropping hints about liking someone who I didn't know if they liked me back. Flirting a little. And just when I thought she'd say she liked me too, she said "Don't worry, if you were straight, I would definitely date you!". FML

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By nooo - 5/2/2015 00:00 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I got a wedgie after a workout class. As I was walking, I used my gym bag to discreetly unwedgie it, and then turned around to check that no one was there. The cute guy that I had a crush on last year was right behind me, and by the look on his face, it wasn't discreet. FML

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By people suck - 28/3/2015 04:16 - United States - Oakland

Today, while at work, a customer refused to speak louder, despite me asking her to do it several times. As a result, I took her order incorrectly. The customer then finally decided to raise her voice, but only to yell at me about my poor listening skills. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2016 10:54 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, during my shift as a vet nurse, I picked up a gorgeous cat for cuddles, only to discover it was covered with pee. And now I am too. I still have 4 hours of my shift. FML

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By Staying Home Today - 4/3/2014 12:25 - United States - Severn

Today, my driver's-side door was so frozen that the locking mechanism wouldn't move. My passenger-side door's lock worked, but the door itself wouldn't budge. The door handle on the other hand, budged quite well. It budged right off its hinges. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2013 23:37 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, I walked out of a job interview feeling confident because I'd really hit it off with the interviewer. He called me an hour later to tell me that I didn't get the job, since he was afraid we'd "get along too well and never get any work done." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 03:42 - Canada

Today, I woke up to my apartment filled with smoke, fire alarms blaring. My roommate set my kitchen on fire while making hot dogs. This is the fourth time this has happened. FML

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By neverthesame - 29/3/2012 02:53 - United States - Shelbyville

Today, I realized that something's wrong when you have to go to a mental hospital for a family reunion. FML

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By yuen - 16/6/2009 14:59 - Australia

Today, I went to take a shit and found my boss shaving in the toilet. While in the cubicle, he asked me about my work and the conversation lasted 15 mins. I stayed in there even though I finished shitting after 5 mins, during which 3 people heard my progress report while shitting next to me. FML

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By owwie - 13/2/2010 20:11 - United States

Today, it snowed in South Carolina for the first time in 10 years. It snowed eight whole inches! I was so excited, I yelled for my kids and ran outside to build a snowman. I ran out to the steps and slipped on ice. I woke up in the hospital with a bad concussion. The snow had all melted. FML

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By AwwChute - 21/2/2010 01:53 - United States

Today, I got stuck in my apartment's garbage chute. FML

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By Stiny - 1/6/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, I got kneed in the stomach by a sixth grader. I couldn't breathe. I have a black belt in Taekwondo. FML

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By CivE - 25/1/2010 13:32 - United States

Today, I started work as the head engineer for a big civil engineering project. I met the rest of my team, in particular the environmental engineer who I'll need to get along with the most. As it turns out, I took her virginity when we were freshmen in college. She still thinks I'm an asshole. FML

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By scaredshitless - 10/4/2019 18:00

Today, at 2:30am, I heard my baby crying on the monitor. As I got out of bed, she stopped crying and started laughing. There's nobody else in the house. FML

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By EricCartman - 20/5/2009 03:31 - United States

Today, I was riding the bus home from school. I was sitting by myself, and my backpack was occupying the seat next to me. A hot girl boarded the bus, and was standing right where I was sitting. I placed my backpack on my lap, freeing up the seat. The girl stood the entire bus ride. FML

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By pooped - 12/4/2020 23:00

Not all heroes…

Today, at work, the only toilet in the building was so clogged that it was overflowing. We didn't have a plunger, so basically the only way to stop it was to try and reach in and remove the blockage. I was nominated to do it. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2020 18:00

Oedipus Rex

Today, my mother started arguing with me once again about how my life revolves around my girlfriend and how it's unhealthy to spend so much time with her. We live together and are engaged to be married. FML

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By AreYouSerious - 27/8/2009 00:57 - United States

Today, my husband and I decided to take a romantic trip to the beach. We got pulled over, and shortly thereafter he was arrested. Just so happens you can't miss child support payments for your twelve year old daughter without getting a warrant. He has a daughter? We've been married for 14 years. FML

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By ouch - 20/12/2011 12:46 - Australia

Today, I'm on a medication that really dehydrates my skin. I thought split lips were the worst side effects. Other split orifices make a trip to the toilet a literal pain in the arse. No sign of stopping in the near future. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2011 23:00 - United States

Today, while working at a dollar store, I was clobbered by a woman because apparently, I was ripping her off by charging two dollars for two doughnuts. She didn't understand that she couldn't buy multiple items at once for one dollar. FML

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By LonelyShowers - 4/7/2012 05:36 - United States - Mission Hills

Today, my boyfriend pointed out that the water bill is getting kind of high. I suggested that we shower together to save water. He said he'd rather deal with the high water bill. FML

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By SterlingSilver91 - 3/9/2011 23:49 - Canada

Today, I woke up to a text from a girl I had slept with two nights ago. It read, "Please don't get mad if you notice a rash on your private parts. Sorry in advance." FML

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By aswamk - 19/12/2015 05:01 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, my constant constipation has become a running joke in my family; I heard my mom tell my dad that if he wants to keep his Christmas presents safe, he should ask me to eat them. FML

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By Rick - 1/7/2011 08:31 - United States

Today, the driver's side window of my car was busted, and inside was a note that said, "Sorry, thought this was my car." FML

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Top comments

By briang959 | 46

#6260269 - Sunday 12 April 2015 16:28

Ask housekeeping for more. Guard it with your life. Problem solved.

By trellz17 | 19

#6260274 - Sunday 12 April 2015 16:30

Uhh, just take them from him, use as much force as needed.

Comments

By Hunthas | 17

#6260267 - Sunday 12 April 2015 16:27

9th joy

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6260356 - Sunday 12 April 2015 17:30

Don't people bring their own shampoo and conditioner when staying at hotels?

lovethatstach | 18

#6260450 - Sunday 12 April 2015 19:29

I was about to say--I never use that shit at hotels. I take my own.

tormcn | 26

#6260523 - Sunday 12 April 2015 20:31

Me either.. and how old is he anyways?

xXxGraveStonexXx | 20

#6261075 - Monday 13 April 2015 6:28

You know, you can just go to the lobby and ask for more.

By kmaheynoway | 25

#6260268 - Sunday 12 April 2015 16:27

Wow, that stinks.

zanoty | 17

#6260270 - Sunday 12 April 2015 16:29

Couldn't you just hit the I agree your life sucks instead of posting a comment of the exact same thing

kmaheynoway | 25

#6260272 - Sunday 12 April 2015 16:30

It was an attempt at a pun, oh well.

Sandsh8rk | 36

#6260282 - Sunday 12 April 2015 16:33

Your profile pic sums up what I think of you right now.

bethjlster1999 | 8

#6260291 - Sunday 12 April 2015 16:38

I understood #2 nice try, better luck next time

lovethatstach | 18

#6260451 - Sunday 12 April 2015 19:31

oh jesus. more negativity on the internet. surprise, surprise.

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6261777 - Monday 13 April 2015 20:29

Cry more, 37. Maybe it'll help.

By briang959 | 46

#6260269 - Sunday 12 April 2015 16:28

Ask housekeeping for more. Guard it with your life. Problem solved.

apitrix | 24

#6260288 - Sunday 12 April 2015 16:38

I think Op's brother might go silence of the lambs style; it puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again

Shadowvoid | 33

#6260395 - Sunday 12 April 2015 18:08

Well my thing here is, do you not your own shampoo and toiletries with you when you travel? Even if you fly would you not buy some when you land?

Exsequor | 14

#6260869 - Monday 13 April 2015 2:25

Unless you're picky about brands, idk why you'd bother packing your own when you know you're going to get it for free at the hotel.

WhatHappenedToIt | 22

#6260981 - Monday 13 April 2015 4:50

Hotel soaps and shampoos are hard on your skin and hair and the moisturizer isn't very good nor is the conditioner. I pack my own because I'm allergic to any soap with perfume of any kind in it.