Animals: Today, my family and I went to a beach where you could swim with... - FML

By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, my family and I went to a beach where you could swim with dolphins. I was a little scared to swim with them so the trainers had a 5 minute chat to me about how they were harmless creatures. Once I got in, the dolphin attacked me and bit me. FML

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There's no helping some people

Dangling modifier

Not a good look

By MissAggravared - United States - Meridian

Today, I met my sister's fiancé. I would have been happier for her if he hadn't been mine a month ago when I introduced them. FML

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By OneYearMistake. - United Kingdom

Today, for our one year anniversary, my boyfriend decided to make me a patchwork blanket. The thing is, the patches were stains from bedsheets from where the 'wet spot' was. He thought it was romantic. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 01:01 - Mexico - Iztacalco

That's… sexy

Today, my wife threw up in the middle of sex, then fell asleep right after. I didn't even finish and it'd been over a month since the last time. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I had an awful day and angrily threw a glass at the wall. Needless to say, I didn't feel like cleaning it up, and I took a nap, intending to do it later. I thought I would remember the bits of glass everywhere when I woke up. I didn't, but my feet soon did. FML

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By Single - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He also decided the best way to end our relationship was to kill me and our virtual child on The Sims 3 by setting us on fire. FML

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By Max Flynn

Jesus freak

Today, while driving, a minivan cut me off. Pissed, I started honking and cursing. I then went ballistic when the driver waved out the window, smiling. It wasn't until I was at a stoplight that I noticed their "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 05:01 - United States - Tilton

Love is a battlefield

Today, after I finally got up the courage to open myself up to someone new after going through a brutal divorce, it was going great until he went back to his ex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lemon Grove

Today, I was pretending a long corridor at work was a catwalk, when a coworker walked out just in time to see me prancing around like an idiot. Now the whole building is laughing about it. FML

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By Chedder - United States

Today, I tried to keep a drunk girl from driving by holding her keys, she had a spare set in her purse. She hit me with her car when I was walking home. FML

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By susan - United States - Naperville

Today, my daughter had a meltdown when I told her I donated some of her old toys to Goodwill. It turns out Toy Story has taught her that toys have feelings and that she has a meaningful relationship with them. She's in her teens. FML

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By dumpedtaco

Today, as I was planning my impending nuptials with my fiancé, my sister jokingly told him it's not too late to call it off. He took her seriously and bailed. He won’t answer my calls. FML

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By jalapeno_popper - Canada

Today, I learned the hard way why they say "four on the floor" at school. I leaned too far back while rocking in the chair and fell off. I grabbed the desk to save myself and it came down too. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my little cousin is going to be staying at our house for a year or so, because of financial problems. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that every single night he creeps up on me while I'm sleeping, and shouts "GO F YOURSELF!" directly into my ear. Only another 11 months to go. FML

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By watersport - United States

Today, I woke up because I really had to pee. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and went back to bed. Or so I thought. I did pee, but I only dreamed that I got out of bed. FML

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By SecondBest,IGuess - United States

Today, my boyfriend was watching TV, when we started getting frisky. I'd just started to give him a blowjob when he pushed me off and said, "Fun's over." Dragon Ball Z had just come back on. He's 21. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I have a busy day of college work ahead of me. I figured I'd best have a good breakfast. Then I realised I'd completely ran out of food except for various types of sauces and condiments. So what am I having for breakfast today? That's right. A nice cup of Gravy. FML

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By Jayne - United States

Today, my professor called me out in the middle of a lecture to ask why I was bleeding. I then had to explain to him, in front of around one hundred of my fellow classmates, that my largest zit had burst. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Thibodaux

Today, I watched my high school crush pull into the parking spot next to me, and then almost immediately he started backing out once he saw me parked next to him. FML

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By IHateMyJob - United Kingdom

Today, I received an email from my boss telling me how appreciated I was and how valuable I am to the company. I wish I hadn't scrolled down to read the included conversation where he asked his boss whether to lie to me about how good I was or not. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Campbellsville

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. We decided to play chicken and I was on the shoulders of the guy I like. Right as we started playing, for some unearthly reason my body decided to let out a little pee. I thought he wouldn't notice since we were already wet. He did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to visit my aunt who recently was released from an institution. She had leftover Christmas cookies so I began snacking on them. They tasted a bit off so I inquired about the ingredients. She told me they only had white icing so she used Crayola markers to give them color. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2020 22:59

Observational comedy

Today, I, an insecure high school student, told my 11-year-old sister that I got my period in third grade. She responded with, “What?! Then how come you didn’t have tits until last year?” FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Madison

Today, after countless nights spent together and flirty texts, I decided ask my crush on a date while at a party. We went on a walk and held hands. Just as I asked him, he said no, let go of my hand and briskly walked away. He was my ride home. FML

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By brokeandsad - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight about a clogged toilet. He was yelling about not having enough money to buy a better plunger and so I stormed out to buy one myself. While pulling his truck into traffic, a car hit me causing $1000 in damage. FML

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By Anonymous

Weird flex, but OK

Today, I asked the girl who has a crush on me if she was autistic. She replied without hesitation, "I can be whatever you want me to be." FML

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By Forever alone - 21/12/2020 17:02 - United States - Hesperia

Sorry…

Today, I was falling in love with the nostalgia of having handwritten love letters and flowers left on my windshield. Turns out my "secret admirer" was just a mean prank conjured up by my coworkers. They laughed. I cried, hard. FML

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By barebackingit - Canada - Kanata

Today, I woke up late and had to rush to catch my bus. Upon arriving at school, I was hot from running and took off my sweater. It was then, in a lecture hall with 400 people, that I realised I hadn't put a shirt on underneath. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Granger

Today, I got together a surprise party for my mom's birthday. I invited all her friends and her douchebag boyfriend who I don't get along with. When my mom got home, he took credit and got her friends to back him up with bribing. My mom said I'm selfish and horrible for not trying for her. FML

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By (._. ) - United States - Alburnett

Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He told me he'd ask his dad if it was okay. I thought he was just kidding, until he pulled out his phone and called his dad. After a few minutes of "come on, dad" and "but why?" he hung up and said his dad wouldn't let him. He's 22. FML

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By gottacatchemall - United States

Today, I tried to lose my virginity to my boyfriend of a year. We're almost twenty. In the end, we both chickened out and played Pokémon instead. FML

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By Olorin - Germany

Today, I was installing TVs in a hospital. When I knocked on a door, a female voice asked me to come in. I opened the door to see an 80 year old woman standing in front of me, naked. She then complained when I hesitated to help her to put some clothes on. FML

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By hannibal - Australia

Today, I heard a loud-speaker announcement in my college that someone had left their car in the car park, still running, with keys in the ignition. I laughed at that person's foolishness until I realised it was mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Summerfield

Today, my friend got pulled over. The cops searched the car and found a bong among the stuff we were moving to her new house. When they confronted her with it, she told them it must be mine and that she'd never seen it before. FML

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By tried to help

Stranger Danger!

Today, I was going into a store and saw a woman roughly handling a screaming toddler. I kept walking, until I heard the kid scream, "Help! You’re not my mommy!” I called 911 and stood behind the car to keep her from taking off. The cops arrived to see me fending off blows from a very pissed off grandma. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Red Oak

Today, as I was opening the door for my boyfriend, I pressed my boobs against the glass to make him laugh. I didn't see his dad standing just behind him at first, but he certainly saw me. FML

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By BoredRunner42 - United States

Today, I had a great time with a girl I liked. I asked her out and she said yes. She also said she cuts herself and if I ever broke up with her, I'll be responsible for her death. FML

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By BerkeleyBiker - United States

Today, while enjoying a nice dinner out, I observed a homeless man giggling hysterically to himself while wiping boogers on my bike seat and handlebars. FML

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By fmljae

Today, I rented a 4x4 to take my wife to a secret secluded beach for our anniversary. I got as close as I could to the spot and parked on the beach. After a few romantic hours we returned to find the car half way up the windows with water. I forgot it was king tide. FML

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By can't eat paper - United States

Today, after a long day at work, I was starving, so I stopped by the drive-through for something to eat. When I got home and hurriedly opened the bag, all I found inside was napkins. Thanks, McDonald's. FML

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By blegh - United States

Today, I fell going down the stairs to the subway platform during rush hour. Someone was kind enough to help me up and someone else was kind enough to steal my iPhone which had fallen out of my pocket and landed nearby. FML

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Top comments

By Mico3587 | 0

#119688 - Friday 17 April 2009 20:02

lol dolphins

By Spinach | 0

#119700 - Friday 17 April 2009 20:04

Nice. Dolphins enjoy a good joke like the rest of us.

COMMENTS

By Mico3587 | 0

#119688 - Friday 17 April 2009 20:02

lol dolphins

Reply

Gorsbug823 | 0

#1043531 - Friday 25 June 2010 21:04

win! dolphin

Reply

vollyball921 | 0

#1210935 - Monday 9 August 2010 8:53



Reply

collegegirl87 | 0

#1267021 - Thursday 19 August 2010 7:03

I loooovvve dolphins lol. 

By Spinach | 0

#119700 - Friday 17 April 2009 20:04

Nice. Dolphins enjoy a good joke like the rest of us.

By Shadowflames420 | 0

#119705 - Friday 17 April 2009 20:05

LMAO. They knew you where scared. You know that sound they make, they were laughing at you XD

Reply

Kyle17206 | 11

#6003537 - Thursday 10 July 2014 2:43

That, or they were using foul language.

By laughatverne | 0

#119710 - Friday 17 April 2009 20:07

you shoulda listened to your instincts. Never trust a dolphin trainer.

By MyLifesTotallyF | 0

#119712 - Friday 17 April 2009 20:07

1ST

and dolphins smell people who are scared :P

By GuyatStuy | 0

#119717 - Friday 17 April 2009 20:09

Dolphines are jerks.
They attack other animals for fun.
This been proved.
Search it up for those non-believers.

Reply

KiSsKiZzy | 0

#497360 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 23:16

#98 made me laugh

Reply

jazziness | 12

#3101265 - Saturday 13 August 2011 18:47

also coming for the guy who said "search it up"

Reply

thatsexychiq | 6

#4544303 - Saturday 9 June 2012 18:24

*dolphins *proven *look it up

Reply

ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6116398 - Wednesday 12 November 2014 1:01

Humans also attack other animals for fun. I fail to see your point.

By adelaide_evening | 0

#119723 - Friday 17 April 2009 20:11

You and Tyra Banks should get along well.

By mikey41414 | 0

#119724 - Friday 17 April 2009 20:12

you should have bit the dolphin back, that would teach the lil bugger

By cynicalfun | 0

#119725 - Friday 17 April 2009 20:12

I guess dolphins can smell (echo-locate?) fear.

By jewels_p | 0

#119735 - Friday 17 April 2009 20:14

Failure to Launch. watch it