Work: Today, I broke the glass of the photocopier trying to photocopy...

By Wititipwitpwit - France

Today, I broke the glass of the photocopier trying to photocopy my ass. My boss will be here in five hours. She'll know it was me. I'm the only night guardian. FML

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Work

You tried!

Ant life

Territorial pissings

By Whybother - United States - Hilo

Today, I'm jobless and picked up transcription work online. I typed furiously all day. I have made a grand total of $2.06. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 14:00

Scarred

Today, my niece asked why my veins were so close to my skin. She was referring to my stretch marks. FML

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By Jim - United States

Today, my friends told me that they couldn't make it to my birthday dinner unless I changed the time, because I'd made dinner reservations that would clash with the new episode of Jersey Shore. FML

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By moneyman22 - United States

Today, I was asked to take care of my 3 year old little brother. After 15 minutes of him screaming and me trying to keep him entertained, he started throwing his toy cars at me. He hit me in the mouth, and I started to bleed. My parents yelled at me for "not controlling him." FML

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By Anonymoys - 22/2/2021 17:01

Pansexuality awaits you

Today, I realized that the guy that I've liked for the past 7 months is actually a girl. I've told all my friends about how much I like him, but no one bothered to tell me that he's actually a girl. FML

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By Taylor Easley - United States

Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML

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By patch91

Today, I got in a car accident on the way to work. I received an abusive phone call from my boss saying he shouldn't have to cover my lazy ass. I was driving to cover his shift because he was too drunk to show up to work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kansas City

Today, I uploaded a video to YouTube. I have around 20k subscribers, so I'm not a huge deal. I used a "fail" sound effect. I just got an email from YouTube saying that I got a copyright strike. They told me that it was the 4-second sound effect. They copyrighted 4 seconds of my video. FML

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By blegh - United States

Today, I fell going down the stairs to the subway platform during rush hour. Someone was kind enough to help me up and someone else was kind enough to steal my iPhone which had fallen out of my pocket and landed nearby. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2020 14:01 - United States

Invasion

Today, I went to clean my roof when something buzzed by my head and a sting hit my neck. It turns out there's a small nest of, like, five hornets just chilling outside of my window. I found a dead one on the desk in my bedroom. FML

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By Seth - 19/12/2020 22:58

Covidiots everywhere

Today, I realised the biggest FML this year was getting into online debates with people about Covid not being a hoax. One guy even said it was over, while I knew the numbers were climbing back up as I work in health-care, and I was sat on a toilet with diarrhea because I have Covid myself. FML

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By Anonymous

Time for a BBQ

Today, my friend hit a bird with her car. She asked me to get it off for her, so I reluctantly complied. It came off. In pieces. FML

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By mala_19 - 19/9/2020 14:02 - Sweden

The joy of newborn babies

Today, after I, my fiance, and the doctors tried all day to get my son to eat for more than just three minutes straight, he decided to eat for thirty minutes straight in the middle of the night when I just wanted to sleep. FML

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958

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By taiannalynn5

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the bed, when he started to tickle me. I tried to pull away but he pushed me back down. I ended up hitting my eye on the corner of the nightstand. His comment was "this is why you shouldn't struggle." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Plymouth

Today, I found out that the squeaking I've heard for the past three months, that I thought was my guinea pig, is actually my girlfriend cheating on me with my older brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2020 02:02

Can they do that?

Today, we got a call saying there was a police report filed against us, after my car got hit while I was at work a few days ago. They lied about everything, and now my insurance is dropping us FML

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1087

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By a person - United States

Today, during my choral concert, I was helping turn the pages for the pianist who was accompanying the singers. In the middle of the song, one of the pages slipped and fell into his crotch area. In a panic, I frantically reached to grab the music. Well, I grabbed something. It wasn't the music. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bedford

Today, I was woken up by my dog touching my foot, so I tried to push it away. Then I realized that I'd kicked my girlfriend in the face. FML

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By foxfur - United States - Williamstown

Today, my drinking habit hit a new low when I waited almost an hour to go to the liquor store after it opened because I didn't want to seem desperate. FML

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By thankspops - United States

Today, I found out that the $200 a week I was paying my dad for my car insurance and payment, wasn't actually paying my insurance and car payment. How did I find out he wasn't paying? Repo man took my car. FML

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By TheyHaveMyAddress - United States - Jackson

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a restaurant so I could apply for a job, and we decided to eat there. After we finished, I went to start the car. When we got home, I asked him how much the bill came to. Apparently he didn't pay. I had already given them my completed application. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I paid a social visit to my grandparents. While we were watching the news, a story came on about the Queen of England. I scoffed, "How is she not dead already? How old is she, anyway?" My grandmother replied, "About my age." Oops. FML

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By Carla

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night choking and had to open my bedroom window. No, it wasn’t a gas leak. My husband had a curry last night and his constant farting was so bad I was struggling to breathe. FML

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By Riicogonz

Today, while borrowing my girlfriend's dad's truck, I had to pay $120 to prevent it from being towed. I was parked right in front of my apartment unloading heavy furniture into my garage for not even 20 minutes while the apartment manager, who called the tow truck, watched us from his balcony. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - Ely

Today, when I went over a bump, I was assaulted by a badly-fitted bicycle seat. I've been walking like John Wayne all afternoon. FML

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By AintEasyBeinWheezy - United States

Today, while driving me to the hospital because I was having an asthma attack, my mother lit a cigarette. FML

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By overly nationalistic redneck - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, after recently complaining that the reality show "The Great Norway Adventure" portrays us as a country of nationalistic rednecks, I saw my drunk dad chasing my uncle on a tractor while bellowing the national anthem at the top of his lungs. FML

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By jwhizzle - Australia

Today, I found my "lost" bicycle in my best friend's garage. I've been having to catch two buses to get to work for the past few months. FML

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By failure - Canada

Today, my parents are freaking at me because I just got my report and I failed my first year of college. They told me they have never been more disappointed in me. I have to tell them that I'm also pregnant. FML

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By Alex - United States

Today, I found a website that lets you write an email to yourself from "the past". I used my boss's address, and wrote a long email about how much I hate him, signed from me. It worked, and he'll receive it in 6 months, after I move away. He's already received the confirmation email, though. FML

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By assante2010 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

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By It's CSI Miami - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got into a fight with my mom because she believes that my fiancé is "irresponsible" and "immature". I stormed out and drove back home. There, I walked in on my fiancé and his friends. They were in a heated and almost violent argument over which CSI is the best. The wedding's next month. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 17:00

Asking for it

Today, my crush and I were talking about hypothetical situations. I told her, "I love you hypothetically." She said, "I love me too." I even got rejected hypothetically. FML

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1143

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By reisz618

Today, I was at a barbecue and, unbeknownst to me, took a bite of really hot bacon. In my ensuing panic, I grabbed and took a swig of my friend's beer. It wasn't beer, at least not any more. She was using it as an ashtray, and I got a mouthful of cigarette butts. FML

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1557

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By SoMuchPee - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after scrubbing every surface twice a week for a month, I finally found the source of the pee smell in my bathroom. Under the toilet. The people who built our house didn't think it was necessary to seal around the toilet. There was two years of pee under there. FML

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6142

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By Anonymous

Today, after 20 years together and 9 years of marriage, I found out that my husband has been having an affair with my cousin for 6 years. The same cousin who came over every Friday. Who he wanted to be godmother to our 3 kids. FML

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3435

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while e-mailing my dream college, I noticed you can see other people's profile pictures when I saw a lady I've met before. I've been using this e-mail account to communicate with all the colleges and universities. My profile picture is baby Elmo. FML

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By Sleep Walking - United States

Today, I found out that after drunkenly falling asleep at a guy's house, I not only slept-walked in his house, but I went upstairs into his parents room. And used their bathroom. I don't remember any of this, but his mom does. FML

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By Ashy104 - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I looked skinny in my shorts. She jiggled my leg fat, looked up at me and walked away. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - Belgium

Today, in high school, we had a presentation about sex, condoms, etc. After a while, the lady explained that we should get to know our sexual organs better. "For example, my daughter looks at her vagina in front of a mirror to check it out." I’m her daughter. FML

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Top comments

By littlepirate_fml | 0

#10024 - Sunday 1 March 2009 12:40

Just tell your boss you wanted to photocopy your ass.
That's like... totally normal.
SERIOUSLY!

By 0___0 | 9

#12500 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 11:13

Blame it on a customer. There's probably security cameras... shit.
DENY, DENY, DENY!

COMMENTS

By maiden_girl | 5

#2134 - Saturday 14 February 2009 13:41

LOL....

niamhyo | 13

#5962492 - Sunday 1 June 2014 18:14

it's OPs fault for being fat

By littlepirate_fml | 0

#10024 - Sunday 1 March 2009 12:40

Just tell your boss you wanted to photocopy your ass.
That's like... totally normal.
SERIOUSLY!

By 0___0 | 9

#12500 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 11:13

Blame it on a customer. There's probably security cameras... shit.
DENY, DENY, DENY!

By choppedNskrewed | 0

#24543 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 19:12

ahahahahahahahahahahahha lmao!!!!!!!!!!!

By manoverboard | 0

#26996 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 22:59

PWWWNED.
xD

By tramplife | 0

#33114 - Sunday 15 March 2009 20:26

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh man that fkn sucks loooolllll

what were u thinkning PAHAHAHAHAH

By Trooth | 13

#47005 - Saturday 21 March 2009 6:34

you must have been PRETTY HEAVY to have broken it rofl

joeyl2008 | 29

#6542028 - Sunday 21 February 2016 19:59

Yes, the must have been pretty heavy to have broken the thin layer of glass on the scanner...

By FmlQueenx13 | 0

#70943 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 1:13

rele tho what were you thinkking? lol. :)

By zavanna | 1

#141663 - Saturday 25 April 2009 12:03

Hm.
Hehe.

When I read this, I remembered a comedy video I once saw. It would be something to think about for all those who are using the photocopier for... anything else. Hehe.
Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afBWfcFX9Kc

imsoeffingbored | 13

#6110033 - Wednesday 5 November 2014 5:12

I haven't opened the link yet and I already know it's Jake and amir. It's all I could think about reading this

By derailed | 0

#151253 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:18

Burn the place down, then he'll never know