Animals: Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML - FML

By Betchsadface - 13/07/2010 04:34 - United States

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 729

You deserved it 10 758

Best teeth in the game

Wake up call

Any excuse

By NJ <3 - 10/01/2012 15:34 - United States

Today, while trying to prove a point to my mom, I learned that bird seed tastes better than her cooking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 170

You deserved it 3 672

By shininghayley - 15/02/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to take me out bowling. My mom was going to take us. My parents ended up bowling with us. I had a double date with my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 722

You deserved it 6 293

By poopsthegame - 03/12/2012 07:36 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I walked out of my apartment to see that someone had climbed onto the hood of my car and taken a shit on my windshield. I only moved in a couple of weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 922

You deserved it 1 815

Management 101

By Anonymous - 22/07/2021 04:01 - South Africa

Today, I got a call from the bank, telling me my mom's company is going broke. She's been on holiday for a month, and I had been appointed to manage it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 853

You deserved it 162

Confinement's gonna be fun

By Anonymous - 16/03/2020 23:01

Spicy

Today, I left the house to get groceries. My parents asked me where I was going and how long I would be gone for. Thinking they were just being inquisitive parents, I ignored them. I got home 20 minutes later to them having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 781

You deserved it 2 184

By Anonymous - 12/02/2012 04:52 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. Soon, I noticed he was being very quiet. When I looked up, he was in a deep sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 061

You deserved it 8 437

By Anonymous - 02/11/2011 07:12 - United States

Today, at work I asked a cute, albeit slightly large customer, her name. Being hard of hearing, I thought she said "Porky" and asked her about it. Turns out she'd said Courtney. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 174

You deserved it 10 863

By chinchilla4404 - 02/08/2011 14:17 - United States

Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 118

You deserved it 72 118

By flipflap - 14/06/2015 06:35

Today, I tried to get a piece of glass out of my big toe. After an hour of poking and prodding, I finally got it out only for it to fall on the floor where I couldn't find it. Not five minutes later, I stepped on it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 226

You deserved it 7 058

By Anonymous - 22/09/2015 02:47 - United States

Today, I had finally summoned the courage to break up with my boyfriend, something I've needed to do for a long time. Right before my speech, he presented me with tickets to my favorite band a month from now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 869

You deserved it 5 961

By Anonymous - 09/07/2012 01:29 - United States

Today, I had a violent sneezing attack while changing my phone's password and now I have no idea what it could be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 806

You deserved it 5 024

By bdavis - 10/03/2010 06:11 - Canada

Today, I was using a power drill to take down the set for the musical we just finished. My long hair got caught in the drill, got ripped out and now I have a hurting, bleeding bald spot the size of 2 quarters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 460

You deserved it 14 374

Not now

By Anonymous - 25/02/2013 23:00 - United States - Marlton

Today, at my mother's funeral, as everyone was around her casket for the viewing, my 5-year-old son in cluelessness of what was going on shouted, "Grandma is more fun when she isn't sleeping." Everyone cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 421

You deserved it 3 955

By Anonymous - 25/01/2015 07:01 - United States

Today, I bought an electric toothbrush because they're supposed to be a lot healthier than regular ones. My crazy religious mom immediately called me a whore and said she knew what I really wanted to use it for. So that's $80 in the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 438

You deserved it 2 815

Knowledge

By Anonymous - 03/09/2021 02:01

Today, my mom hit me in the face after an argument she didn't win. According to her, Mexican and American are languages, and not dialects or nationalities. She even argued with my teachers, and threatened to remove me "from a school full of uneducated people" after they told her I was correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 293

You deserved it 72

By Anonymous - 05/05/2017 02:00

Today, I had to pick up my brother and his girlfriend from the bar at 2:00am because they were too drunk to drive themselves and had no money for an Uber. Five minutes into the ride, they started going at it in the back of my new car. I don't think I'll be doing favors again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 381

You deserved it 507

By Anonymous - 26/11/2009 17:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a blind double date with my friend. My date was actually blind. Not so bad, he seemed nice, until he told me I sound ugly and annoying. My friend laughed and agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 408

You deserved it 3 353

By LockedOut - 25/07/2009 00:55 - United States

Today, my auto-repairman told me my heavy mass of keys was bad for the ignition switch and suggested I separate my house and car keys. I began to carry my car keys and lock the house keys in my glovebox. My car was stolen. I now have car keys but no car and a house with no house key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 354

You deserved it 14 942

By Anonymous - 08/11/2012 05:49 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my husband surprised me by cooking a romantic dinner. I asked him why the sudden gesture. His response? "The cable was out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 711

You deserved it 4 548

Medicare for all

By US_Healthcare_Sucks - 30/07/2021 14:01

Today, I went to a doctor's appointment, being concerned about some abnormal swelling and soreness in one of my testicles. They fondled my balls for 20 seconds before saying, "Yeah, that's abnormal. You should probably go get an ultrasound somewhere and maybe take some ibuprofen for the pain. That'll be $265." FML

I agree, your life sucks 893

You deserved it 74

By Murphy - 26/08/2018 03:30

Today, I bought ingredients for one of my favorite meals and went home to take a nap. When I woke up, my sister had cooked them for everyone else in the house, who ate it all without me. I was told that I shouldn't be angry, but instead proud of my adult sister because, "She cooked!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 993

You deserved it 213

By sabadaba - 19/06/2011 17:51 - United States

Today, at the DMV, I was told to push my forehead against a vision testing device on the counter to activate a blinking light. When nothing happened, the employee started yelling for me to push harder. I tried again, only to knock the whole thing into her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 804

You deserved it 3 293

Crisis

By Anonymous - 29/07/2020 23:00

Today, I had a customer throw his purchase at me and demand a refund after I told him that, due to the national change shortage, I couldn't give him his 38 cents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 321

You deserved it 315

Time to say goodbye

By Anonymous - 12/07/2021 16:01

Today, my mom yelled at me because I didn't hear to her calls while I was listening to music. She told me she wouldn't trust me again, that I'm worthless. When I began crying, she told me that I was psychologically manipulate her. It's been like this all the time lately. I can't wait to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 983

You deserved it 84

By Foosa801 - 25/12/2016 23:08 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up my friend and had him take me to the ER. I had trouble breathing and my chest hurt, so the doctor put me on an EKG and took X-rays. I had strained my chest lifting weights at the gym earlier that day and pulled a muscle, and now thanks to my massive anxiety I have a $700 hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 281

You deserved it 1 924

By Felinefine - 15/08/2016 19:33 - United Kingdom - South Petherton

Today, after changing and dressing my 6-month-old into his super cute brand new outfit, I saw the telltale sign of him about to vomit. Without thinking, I cup my hand under his mouth and catch it all. I had to sit there with a hand full of puke and nowhere to dump it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 849

You deserved it 2 461

By Timmy - 26/01/2009 13:28 - France

Today, I got caught stealing lollies. I am 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 475

You deserved it 59 278

Get me out of here

By Anonymous - 30/06/2021 20:01 - Canada

Today, I work at a super toxic workplace, where the owner/boss takes part in some rude/bullying behavior and does nothing when I'm being bullied by coworkers. As a matter of fact, he takes their side. I have been looking for a new job in what I do, but haven't had any luck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 889

You deserved it 73

By muffintop - 11/07/2011 02:34 - Canada

Today, I was standing at airport security. One of the bag inspectors asked me to remove my travel pouch, pointing to the lump under my shirt. I didn't know how to tell him that it was just one of my fat rolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 100

You deserved it 13 538

By srloin - 21/09/2011 16:42 - United States

Today, my girlfriend said I looked like ET and made me pose next to a full scale model of him while she took a picture. She's showing her friends the picture and they agree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 216

You deserved it 3 435

Do you even lift, bro?

By Anonymous - 11/08/2013 04:24 - United States

Today, while working out in the gym, I spotted a very attractive girl. I decided to pick up the heaviest dumbbell to show off how much I could curl. She ended up driving me to the hospital because I burst into tears after tearing up my bicep and deltoid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 544

You deserved it 66 734

By Murlocmurk - 05/12/2012 17:04 - United States

Today, at school, I have to do a 45 minute presentation with a girl who has panic attacks so bad that she cries, runs out of the room, and sometimes passes out. This presentation terrifies her and it's a major part of my final grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 562

You deserved it 2 507

By rattness - 07/12/2010 19:12 - United States

Today, I found out the animal that was gnawing behind the kitchen wall all night was indeed a wild rat and his entire family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 925

You deserved it 2 854

By JustMyLuck - 12/02/2010 14:14 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to sleep over at his house. Then he found out that it was that time of the month for me, so he told me that he had to work this weekend and said "see you sometime next week." He doesn't have a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 180

You deserved it 4 833

By caliibbyy - 29/11/2010 05:03

Today, I found out my best friend has a massive head lice infestation. It wasn't until after I'd used her hairbrush to brush my hair that I figured it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 025

You deserved it 7 220

By Anonymous - 17/07/2011 20:44 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike and swerved to avoid hitting a lizard. I ended up sliding into a bush and skinning myself, only to find my tires had still managed to cut the lizard to pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 566

You deserved it 8 851

By Schrewt - 24/01/2010 08:50 - France

Today, my friends and I went camping. In the middle of the night, they carried me deep into the forest and left me there. I stepped on a beehive as I walked back to the tent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 557

You deserved it 3 150

By Colin Jr. - 23/09/2015 13:24 - United States

Today, it's the third week of my dad's midlife crisis. So far he's blown half my college fund pimping out his piece of shit car, keeps texting me meme pictures, and keeps yelling "Savage!" and "Recked!" any time my mom makes a joke at anyone's expense. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 726

You deserved it 1 676

Can't win

By confused - 12/06/2020 02:06

Spicy

Today, I was told by my wife that she was moving in with her mother, because I was causing her to have panic attacks. She said she still loves me and wants to be with me, but she needs a few months to herself. I have given her her way for most of our marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 489

You deserved it 279

By Anonymous - 23/02/2012 18:01 - United States

Today, I picked up a warm blanket that just came out of the dryer. Despite wearing pants, the static electricity from the blanket delivered a shock straight to my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 154

You deserved it 4 219

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:05

Deserved it. You probably threw a peanut at it, or even worse... MADE THE DUCKFACE! :OO

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:07

I AM THE WALRUS!!!! coo coo ca choo :-P

Comments

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:04

Ummm... Ok...?

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:07

IN THE FACE

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:21

nahh in the a**

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:33

that is pretty awesome : )

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:36

It would have been so rad so see!

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:40

agreed

JacksonCampbell 9

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 13:30

you... probably deserved it.

Blacksabbath211 9

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 13:59

walrus win!!!!

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 14:06

Amazing!!!!!!! hahaha I would be spreading the word, that's one of the most random things I've ever heard!

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 14:17

that's epic!! idk if this is an fml or a ydi.. but either way it's funny

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 14:23

video... Or it didn't happen D:

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 14:59

FAKE-- No human to animal contact is allowed in any zoo or theme park. You would have had 10 lawyers come to your rescue if it was allowed.

pandora_spocks 0

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 15:03

yes! this. and ty for making me lol.

pandora_spocks 0

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 15:07

no. not that. there's actually not laws that prevent this. I mean, ffs, haven't you heard of swimming with dolphins? petting zoos? *sigh*

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 15:09

Rofl!!! that's a bit funny :(

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 16:00

This reminds me of when my fatass girlfriend bitch-slapped me. j/k - "I don't do fat chicks."

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 16:11

POW!!!! Right in the Kisser!

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 16:13

so?

killerpenguin4 9

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 16:16

you got lucky it wasn't a penguin they're crazy

iSitt 0

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 16:46

put it on YouTube

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 18:19

this is why I love sea creatures <3

TaylorTotsYumm 10

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 18:43

Do you have a giant flipper print on your face. GOO GOO G'JOOB!

OhWowFYLindeed 0

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 18:54

#6 I thought of The Hangover when I read your comment. xD OP- You got pwned.

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 19:00

this may b

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 19:49

this is goin sound odd but I'll love for that to happen to me lol

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 20:58

★★★★★

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 21:49

i think it is from the hangover NOT UP IN HERE!!!

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 22:59

are u stupid??? thaz a super win!

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 4:05

#80 haha Family Guy♥ :)

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 4:25

da walrus was like BOOM HEADSHOT!!! BIATCH!!! haha lol

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 5:01

ahahah pwnd. :D

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 5:24

He thought you stole his bukkit

uthinkurfunny 0

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 7:24

he thought u were stealin his bucket :p

JohnGraveline 0

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 7:30

Made me lol.

Trollz4daLULZ 1

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 10:58

first!

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 20:16

penguins are ninjas

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Thursday 15 July 2010 1:39

gahahahahhahahahhhhahahhhhahaghhahahahahahahahahahahashagashahahauahayghauaghhahhahahahahhahahahahahahHahahahahahahahaha

gothrockerkid 0

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Thursday 15 July 2010 9:09

lmao family guy!!!

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Thursday 15 July 2010 9:26

ownd

S0_Fricken_CUtE 0

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Friday 16 July 2010 6:29

haha. u must have been "stealing his bucket". For those of u who have the funny pics app on ur iPod, u know what I mean

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Friday 16 July 2010 23:03

ummm jealous(;

leadrunner751 3

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Sunday 18 July 2010 0:23

bahahahahaha. made my day!

YANKSFAN4EVER 0

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Thursday 22 July 2010 20:45

hahahahahah lol

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Thursday 9 September 2010 8:38

Boom Head Shot

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Thursday 12 April 2012 3:48

exactly what i was gonna put. lol

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Thursday 12 April 2012 3:50

exactly what i was gonna put.

Rowdey 10

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Sunday 27 May 2012 2:37

All replies to this comment are stupid.

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:05

Deserved it. You probably threw a peanut at it, or even worse... MADE THE DUCKFACE! :OO

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:08

Aww now I feel like seeing Shamu. :( haha Reminds me of that one SpongeBob episode with the clam and the peanut.

edgarforeverRIP 0

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 13:19

It was an oyster. Get it right.

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 13:45

buh jeezuz, my bad. My point being it was funny :)

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 16:42

did the walrus say "I'm Rick James Bitch" afterwards? and on a side note I agree with #51's shirt

crazykunuklildoo 0

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Friday 6 August 2010 21:29

u got knocked the fk out!

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:05

I think you made this up how the hell can u get bitch slapped by a walrus that's so stupid

GhettoMaverick 0

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:45

what does comment moderated even mean? every person that posts that just sounds like an idiotic assclown

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:46

Lol, it means the moderaters moderated the comment, because it didn't follow the rules. They certainly didn't post that.

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:50

Someone above here sounds like an idiotic assclown for sure.

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:58

I don't think I've ever seen an idiot assclown, or heard of one for that matter. This is new to me!

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 7:27

38- I love your picture haha : )

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:05

Count your blessings that it wasn't a whale tail. Don't get so close to the walrus' OP!

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:10

ok op u were bitch slapped by a walrus did he use powder...and is he considered ur pimp now

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:50

lol wat are the rules lol I been cussing like a mofo

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:07

I AM THE WALRUS!!!! coo coo ca choo :-P

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:13

Aren't walrus' the mammals with the biggest penis? *50 First Dates refrence :)* By the way... I wasn't aware that that was the noise they made.

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:14

how much is she going for these days ...do I get a fml discount

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 14:05

Jimboom fails for wrong lyrics.

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 14:38

Sorry, I just wrote it how I always thought it sounded to me. Never actually looked up the lyrics to know any different. Still, I think I got the point across even with slightly wrong lyrics. :-)

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 17:05

Whale penis = Dork.

duke_nukem_25299 0

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 19:27

No 11, they are the animal with the second largest penis.

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 20:35

which one is the largest? lol. XD

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 3:12

me

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 5:10

*glares*

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Thursday 15 July 2010 0:21

5, thank you for making me laugh even harder at this fml. Lol

ScratchCatPower 32

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Wednesday 6 July 2016 20:15

I am the Walrus by The Beatles! I love the Beatles.

pronounciations 5

Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:07

hahahaha

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:11

Did it hurt? :)

FriesWithASideOf 0

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:14

BA BA BA BITCHES.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 1:20

;D

allmidnighteyes 10

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:15

HAHAHAHA. Hawaii pwned

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:15

Just bring BP with you next time. They know how to give nature a roundhouse kick. That'll teach them bitch-slapping walruses.

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:17

o shut man u have me laughing so hard I'm crying

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 13:23

me too #17--maybe he can plug the walrus?

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 11:07

f*ck man I'm dying too!! bahahahahahhahh!!

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 586

You deserved it 170

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 2 744