Intimacy: Today, my ex texted me after more than a year of no communication....

By Anonymous - 12/12/2015 02:38

Today, my ex texted me after more than a year of no communication. He wanted to know if I was interested in having a threesome with him and his current fiancée. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 134

You deserved it 2 655

Intimacy

Best teeth in the game

Egg mode

You tried!

By Anonymous - 31/05/2013 04:20 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I had to set parental controls on my iPad so my dad couldn't watch dirty videos on Youtube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 384

You deserved it 5 040

By Becky - 11/05/2015 20:54 - United Kingdom - Dorchester

Today, I stood up in front of the class and dropped my pen. As I bent over to pick it up, a boy in the front row loudly broke wind. I will forever be known as "that teacher who farted". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 859

You deserved it 2 368

By ricksterile - 29/10/2011 00:44 - United States

Today, we were playing dodgeball at school. I tried to duck and jump around so the idiots on the other team couldn't nail me with the ball. Mid-jump, it tore through the air and smashed straight into my ballsack, sending me curling into a fetal position on the floor. I feel like I got sterilized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 006

You deserved it 10 795

By alison - 04/07/2015 05:02 - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. All the magic vanished when I kept queefing every time he thrust into me. We made it about 10 seconds before he broke down into hysterical laughter and lost his boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 793

You deserved it 4 896

By Wraith - 06/11/2013 17:27 - Canada - Holland Landing

Today, because I'm tall enough to see over the cubicle walls at work, I witnessed my 50-year-old co-worker pulling his finger out of his nose and immediately popping it into his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 628

You deserved it 4 771

By AllieG33 - 05/09/2014 02:59 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, after returning from taking my sister off to college, my parents told me that our house would be a lot quieter with my sister gone. Not because she's loud, but because she has friends and I apparently don't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 607

You deserved it 3 694

By courtbabbbby - 12/02/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 712

You deserved it 43 680

By Anonymous - 25/03/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, to celebrate my older sister's 21st birthday, my parents forced me to take the night off work so we could all go to the casino. Not only is this coming out of my vacation, I wasn't old enough to enter the casino, so I had to sit in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 559

You deserved it 4 409

By ren - 13/01/2009 20:54 - United States

Today, I went to work only to serve one table, make a $9.00 tip, get sent home because it was slow, have the city busses stop running because of weather, and have to pay a $20 cab fare to get home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 336

You deserved it 1 942

By anonymous - 24/02/2015 11:50 - United Kingdom - Lancaster

Today, whilst laying in bed with my girlfriend, she received a flirty message from her ex on her phone asking if she wanted to go to the cinema. She replied, knowing I could see the screen. The messages were signed with a love heart and about 15 kisses. She claims they are still just friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 890

You deserved it 3 974

By babygurl69 - 20/01/2009 21:38 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a hangover, but went to school anyway without showering, applying makeup, and still wearing my pajama bottoms. While taking the subway, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend who I hadn't seen a year. His new girlfriend looked at me and said, "You look... tired." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 761

You deserved it 23 905

Should be interesting at the office tomorrow…

By confused_lemon - 04/06/2019 00:00

Today, I got thrown out by a guy I really like, with the words "Can you leave me the fuck alone, please?" I took my stuff and left as quickly as I could, just to fall down the stairs on his doorway and twist my ankle really bad. He's someone from work as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 572

You deserved it 604

Does this smell weird?

By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 15:05 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I found out that the shampoo I’ve been using has yogurt in, following a prank my boyfriend did. Turns out he forgot about it and I’ve been using it for 5 days now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 108

By E - 20/10/2016 19:07

Today, my office smells like a giant turnip green fart because of a sewage leak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 369

You deserved it 772

By Anonymous - 24/12/2018 00:00

Today is my 1 year anniversary with my boyfriend, all I wanted to do was treat him to dinner and be intimate with him. However today is also the 9th day of my period and the 5th day that I’m feeling constantly nauseous. My period should’ve ended 5 days ago...FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 475

You deserved it 180

By Anonymous - 21/10/2013 10:57 - United States - Pharr

Today, I finally got my driver's permit. To celebrate, my parents decided to go to a bar and make me wait in the car because I'm now the designated driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 208

You deserved it 4 735

By not funny but :( - 28/03/2013 16:24 - United States - Wooster

Today, while on vacation, I think I met my soul-mate, and quite possibly the love of my life. My vacation is to celebrate my 8-year anniversary with my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 172

You deserved it 60 533

By Anonymous - 22/09/2010 12:11 - Japan

Today, I decided to go for a run to try and work on getting in shape. Nine steps in, I slipped in some slimy moss, almost broke my hip on the pavement and gashed open my elbow. I'll be surprised if I can walk straight in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 063

You deserved it 3 978

By Anonymous - 09/01/2011 18:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my friend why it's inappropriate to conduct a phone conversation while simultaneously eating a bagel, listening to music, and taking a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 885

You deserved it 3 919

By buggedout - 25/11/2009 08:24 - United States

Today, I realized that when the pest control man said that we may see a few more bugs in the next few days, what he meant was "your kitchen will be covered in them." It's the day before Thanksgiving and I have several people invited over for the Holiday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 077

You deserved it 2 860

So young, so jaded

By Anonymous - 24/02/2021 13:59

Today, like every day, I scrolled through my social media feeds, seeing happy couples, people buying houses and landing their dream jobs. I, on the other hand, am a single 23 year-old man in a dead end job that still lives with his parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 563

You deserved it 527

By 635CSi - 06/06/2012 05:23 - United States - San Diego

Today, my father-in-law called me an idiot for buying him coffee cake because he can't have caffeine. He refuses to believe that there's as much coffee in coffee cake as there is ham in a hamburger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 041

You deserved it 2 960

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 271

You deserved it 2 261

By woodchuck0022 - 21/05/2011 21:16 - Canada

Today, my pants felt a little looser than usual. Thinking I'd lost weight, I proudly went about my day. It wasn't until much later that I realised I hadn't lost any weight at all; my fly was down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 407

You deserved it 30 780

By stifledbyyou - 12/12/2010 00:06 - United States

Today, while I was working at McDonald's, a man and his wife ordered a Sundae. I gave the guy his sundae and realized I'd forgotten something. I said, "One second sir. Let me grab your nuts." I realized what I said when his wife gave me the death glare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 254

You deserved it 8 366

By nick - 22/03/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, I was on a cruise and fell asleep next to the pool. I had an intense dream that I had fallen off into the ocean. I rolled off my sun chair into the water and woke up screaming uncontrollably, I thought I was in the ocean. I was in the kiddy pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 190

You deserved it 13 256

By AtLeastWeCan'tHaveKids - 02/10/2017 23:45

Today, my girlfriend of 8 years and I received our results from a DNA test. We're both very interested in history and ancestry, and wanted to see where in the world we both originated. It turns out we have the same father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 236

You deserved it 305

Scammers gonna scam

By Anonymous - 16/06/2021 21:59

Today, after feeling lost and sad for a long time, in a last attempt to get some answers, I'd saved up and flew to see a very famous clairvoyant. For the whole session, all she talked about was how great and successful my brother is going to be. $250 down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 307

You deserved it 1 478

By Anonymous - 08/10/2009 04:24 - Canada

Today, I was helping my elderly landlady (75 years old) carry in her groceries. She said "Thanks" and then handed me a notice of eviction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 472

You deserved it 5 264

By Jlipka - 22/05/2010 02:33 - United States

Today, while house sitting, I went to take my pizza out of the oven, not realizing that the oven mitt had a hole in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 774

You deserved it 5 584

By guessnot - 04/02/2013 02:16 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy that I've liked for a while but never had the courage to talk to was wearing a TARDIS shirt. I jokingly asked, "Are you the Doctor?" His response was for me to "Go away, f***ing nerd." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 825

You deserved it 4 638

By MystoganFT - 17/12/2015 02:55 - United States - Emmaus

Today, some guy I don't know walked up to me and told me that he's determined to sleep with my girlfriend, then walked away while giving me the finger. I've never seen him before in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 096

You deserved it 1 807

By Ladyfarquard - 21/07/2019 04:03

Today, I got charged with drink driving, without even driving my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 452

You deserved it 523

By anonymous - 17/07/2013 04:48 - United States - Katy

Today, I had to pull one of those toy stretchy hands out of my dog's butthole. It slapped me in the face when I finally got it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 570

You deserved it 7 373

By Sammy - 25/11/2011 08:44 - United States

Today, I re-broke my leg. The same way I broke it the first time, playing frisbee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 936

You deserved it 13 880

Scammed

By Anonymous - 12/01/2021 17:01

Today my husband went to buy a car from some guy from Facebook. He ended up giving the guy $1000 upfront before receiving the title or bill of sale. So now, we have a car we can't use, we're completely broke now and the guy is ghosting us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 467

You deserved it 912

By missmycomp - 12/11/2009 14:36 - Singapore

Today, I returned home for the first time in a year, and found my entire computer missing. I asked my grandma about this, and she told me that she threw "the TV" away because it "no longer responded to the remote control." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 719

You deserved it 3 126

By whatsername92 - 01/02/2013 03:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me the most beautiful diamond ring I have ever seen. As I excitedly put it on my finger, he told me it wasn't an engagement ring, but I should wear it like one to keep other men away and seem "unapproachable". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 437

You deserved it 4 533

By Anonymous - 10/01/2014 16:12 - United States - Shelbyville

Today, my boyfriend saw a YouTube video of a guy throwing boiling water into the cold air, with the water immediately turning to ice and vapor. He copied it, but only succeeded in dousing himself with boiling water, then making me drive his idiot self to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 230

You deserved it 5 665

By lovewedge - 09/03/2009 00:25 - United States

Today, I was so drunk that my friends put me to bed during a party. Later I find out that while I was passed out two of my friends came in and had sex while I was in the same bed. They tried to use me as a prop. Now my friends call me the love wedge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 906

You deserved it 23 493

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Top comments

klol101 11

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Saturday 12 December 2015 20:22

Take a screenshot of that, spread it around and show the world what a douchebag he is....

Steve95401 49

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Saturday 12 December 2015 20:04

What a douchebag!

Steve95401 49

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Saturday 12 December 2015 20:04

What a douchebag!

helptheorphans 17

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Saturday 12 December 2015 21:59

It could have been his friend on his phone... Or OP's ex is seriously messed up

whatarethisss 23

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Saturday 12 December 2015 23:59

Maybe OPs ex would rather have a threesome with OP than someone else.

militarybrat 21

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Sunday 13 December 2015 5:55

Why? Only people who are douchebags want threesomes?

Mynxie 26

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Sunday 13 December 2015 5:58

Just because he would rather have a 3sum with his ex because he knows her does not make the question any less fucked up.

DoomedGemini 37

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Sunday 13 December 2015 8:17

The issue isn't that he wants a threesome, but he asked an ex that he obviously isn't friends with and I'm guessing the relationship didn't end well.

SBurrke 11

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Wednesday 23 December 2015 2:38

He just wanted to see if you were single and wanted a threesome? What's the big deal fml? People can be whiny bitches.

WhoopteDo 26

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Saturday 12 December 2015 20:04

No hard feelings right? Totally...

DoomSkuller 28

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Saturday 12 December 2015 20:37

He's got a different kind of hard feeling...

FMLollipop 8

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Saturday 12 December 2015 20:04

Well, did you?

derangedplanet 23

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Saturday 12 December 2015 20:21

Okay that's almost as dispicable as ops ex.

Metalslipp 15

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Saturday 12 December 2015 20:38

Well, I'm going to take an extremely wild guess and say no, #3.

crudeandrudeguy 29

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Saturday 12 December 2015 22:44

His question actually isn't as stupid as it sounds. My wife and I did it with my ex... Mind you we were all friends after the break up for a long time

starlandmarie 22

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Sunday 13 December 2015 2:45

I searched through the comments just to find one that said this.... inquiring FML users wanna know.

cheeeksss 29

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Sunday 13 December 2015 5:01

Idk 36, I'm pretty sure OP stated that her and her ex had no communication for the past year. Which probably meant they were not on the best of terms after the break up.

saraaa2552 15

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Saturday 12 December 2015 20:05

Well did you say yes

darkstarrising 18

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Saturday 12 December 2015 20:06

Does he even have a brain?

Miss_Whipped 43

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Saturday 12 December 2015 21:16

This made me think of the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz.

ShleeG 23

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Sunday 13 December 2015 5:49

But... Scarecrow had a brain the whole time... lol

SBurrke 11

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Wednesday 23 December 2015 2:47

Do you have something against threesomes?

Mandie86 15

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Saturday 12 December 2015 20:08

He needs to make like a tree and fuck off! If anybody watches TPB you'll get the reference, lol.

momo3p 22

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Saturday 12 December 2015 20:10

TBP?

mds9986 24

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Saturday 12 December 2015 21:27

Trees can't fuck off because they can't move.

snowy0413 16

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Saturday 12 December 2015 22:20

#28 A tree just came and knocked on my door....he told me that you're a little bitch

Bibblejomin 18

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Saturday 12 December 2015 22:25

#8 Trailer Park Boys

mds9986 24

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Saturday 12 December 2015 23:55

Well I highly doubt that happened, 33. You may want to get your head examined of it did.

derangedplanet 23

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Sunday 13 December 2015 4:44

the original joke is like a tree and leaf. but in tbp they fuck it up and it's beautiful. the rest of you just seriously lack in the intelligence department