Miscellaneous: Today, I was eating and my dog kept bothering me. She kept scratching...

By FishFlingingMonkey - 22/08/2015 03:55 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I was eating and my dog kept bothering me. She kept scratching my legs for food, so I took a large piece of fish from my plate and tossed it out into the hallway. It flew right into my mother's face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 208

You deserved it 8 052

Miscellaneous

Best teeth in the game

Mama's boy

Sounds fishy

By Bailey - 05/04/2011 04:04 - Canada

Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear. She then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner I made. In front of my whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 371

You deserved it 6 691

A dish best served cold

By Joblessagain - 08/07/2021 18:01

Today, I used one of my ex-coworkers as a reference. She gave a really bad review about me, causing me to miss out on the job opportunity of a lifetime, all because she’s still upset I wore the same dress as her at the company holiday gala 2 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 931

You deserved it 261

By red button - 11/02/2009 19:24 - United States

Today, my entire family sat down in the living room to watch the video I recorded of my sister's graduation from college. I never pressed record. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 630

You deserved it 43 656

By buttuglyforeveralone :( - 05/07/2013 21:37 - United Kingdom - Treharris

Today, my step-dad tried to talk me into getting plastic surgery. His reasoning: "Let's face it, 28 and single? Look, I know your mum gave you shitty genes, but that's no excuse to avoid fixing your face, honey." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 441

You deserved it 3 480

By Anonymous - 18/03/2010 05:18 - United States

Today, I finally realized that the only time my mother talks to me is when she needs money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 353

You deserved it 3 204

By BurntBroken - 09/01/2017 13:16

Today, when I realized I'd forgot rice on the stove, I jumped off my chair and pulled off my headphones really fast. Now I've got burnt rice and broken headphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 337

You deserved it 1 474

By pleasestop - 11/06/2011 08:48 - Australia

Today, I woke up with bowel problems which have been causing me to violently pass wind every couple of minutes. I have to spend the next two hours sitting an exam in dead silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 124

You deserved it 3 411

By analbel - 05/11/2018 12:00

Today, I had to get a urine analysis done for my doctor. I take medicine that makes me a little shaky sometimes. Guess who spilled their pee all over themselves while trying to put the lid on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 785

You deserved it 202

By evil Santa - 25/12/2014 03:48 - United States - Solon

Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 075

You deserved it 3 191

Wage slave

By Anonymous - 24/11/2020 20:08 - United States

Today, at work, our customer service chat was empty all day, so I got up to go to bathroom. In the two minutes I was gone, three people tried to chat with me. Then I got a call from my manager, asking me why I wasn't doing my job. He told me to give advanced notice next time I had to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 933

You deserved it 102

Remember me?

By sydthekid2000 - 23/03/2020 20:08

Today, I called my workplace to ask if I was going to be working, and if our store would be open. I was told that yes, we're still open, however, I can order inside, but I can’t sit in the dining room. They thought I was a customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 251

You deserved it 248

By dine and DASH our friendship - 02/05/2017 00:11

Today, I served my good friend and his girlfriend at the restaurant where I work. They did a "dine and dash". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 317

You deserved it 386

Check this out

By Anonymous - 04/06/2015 07:06 - United States - Corning

Today, I walked in on my roommate with her ass cheeks spread wide, and her friend ripping a strip of wax off of her while wearing a headlamp flashlight to see if she "got it all". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 198

You deserved it 4 344

By Squishy - 22/08/2010 23:19 - United Kingdom

Today, my loving boyfriend told me that he wanted to go to the cinema with the girl he loves. The other girl he loves, but don't worry it's "not" a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 486

You deserved it 3 131

By Mandy - 17/09/2011 00:25 - Canada

Today, my family came to see me in my first acting role in Romeo and Juliet. It all went reasonably well for the first half hour or so, after which my seemingly shitfaced aunt started heckling and saying "that's what she said" after every line, before eventually being thrown out by security. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 742

You deserved it 2 425

By Anonymous - 29/07/2011 07:24 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex, and it was my first time being on top. I got so into it that when I went to put my hands on the wall for support, the shelf above my bed snapped, with my favorite little cactus falling onto his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 559

You deserved it 10 667

By lolmyfduplife - 24/12/2015 06:10

Today, I put my 5 month-old daughter in her swinging chair and walked into the kitchen to make her a bottle. When I came back, she was giggling because the dog was licking her face. It would have been cute, picture worthy even, if I actually had a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 633

You deserved it 2 083

Good to know

By peeshy - 16/05/2021 06:01

Today, I used the upstairs bathroom rather than the downstairs one, which was in close earshot of my parents. When I came out, my mom angrily asked why I used that bathroom. I explained to her that I have shy bladder, and she said, "That’s not a real thing. I can go even with someone watching." FML

I agree, your life sucks 904

You deserved it 84

By letdown13 - 03/04/2013 16:50 - United States - Binghamton

Today, my husband told me to look for a honeymoon resort, since we had to cancel it last year. I looked everything up and got all excited. Just when I asked him for payment information, he said "April Fools!" April Fools was two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 364

You deserved it 3 452

By badtasteinmen - 15/10/2015 18:19 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I finally got the courage to leave my controlling and manipulative ex. He took it well. And by "took it well", I mean he camped out my doorstep, held some of my belongings hostage, and tried to blackmail me into staying with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 319

You deserved it 1 827

By horselover7766 - 25/04/2012 23:08 - United States - Sewell

Today, my brother and I were shoveling mulch. He pushed me in and then ran away, laughing hysterically. I was stuck in the mulch, and no one would help. I was literally in deep shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 409

You deserved it 2 682

By sadex - 09/03/2015 07:52

Today, I got the earlier bus to avoid my ex after a painful breakup. He had the same idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 588

You deserved it 4 024

By anonymous - 28/12/2009 02:18 - United States

Today, the girl that I have been secretly madly in love with for 6 years told me "fuck off and stop doing nice things for me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 807

You deserved it 10 280

By me - 18/06/2011 23:54 - United States

Today, I was on a flight home. I wasn't going to arrive until midnight, so I was offered an earlier flight that got back at ten. I got to baggage claims and it turned out they lost my bag. I sat there for 2 hours. The people on my original flight left for home before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 708

You deserved it 3 821

By Anonymous - 28/07/2015 18:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while in a hotel, I left the room to get some ice. Since my parents left the door wedged open, I didn't worry about trying to find the room number. Without thinking, I walked in to another room that was also wedged open. Yes, there were people in it, and yes, they were both naked and hairy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 918

You deserved it 9 167

By EggHead - 03/05/2014 04:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I read that egg whites make a good hair treatment. Everything was going fine until, without thinking, I turned the hot water on to wash it out. I'm still picking the cooked egg out of my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 276

You deserved it 36 375

By Anonymous - 19/09/2010 05:38 - United States

Today, I accidentally bumped into the fire alarm which set off a high pitch buzzing noise that could be heard throughout the entire dorm. It went on for at least two hours and none of the technicians could figure out how to turn it off. All the girls on my floor want to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 953

You deserved it 7 032

By TheStroker - 01/06/2019 06:03

Today, I was cleaning off a carrot by rubbing it up and down under the tap over the sink. My 13-year-old son comes in and says, "Mom, you could get a job doing that." I told him that a carrot cleaner wouldn't make much money. He says, "I wasn't talking about carrots." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 641

You deserved it 333

By Angel - 22/06/2015 02:16 - United States - Utica

Today, while swimming under water, my 80-pound lab thought I was drowning and tried to "rescue" me by jumping in after me, wrapping his front legs around my neck, and standing on my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 087

You deserved it 2 141

By hardlyworking - 04/03/2011 00:39 - United States

Today, I was on a conference call and digital meeting at work when I got bored and started surfing the Internet. Little did I know that my desktop was being shared. My boss was on the call and saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 647

You deserved it 37 680

By surprise - 15/01/2015 20:30 - United States - Starkville

Today, I wanted to surprise my roommate by picking her up from class with her dog. Her dog decided to surprise me by dumping a load on my passenger seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 031

You deserved it 16 470

You're probably better off

By Anonymous - 26/11/2021 01:58 - United States - Ashburn

Today, after my cheating wife moved out earlier this year, the kids are with her and her family for Thanksgiving. I didn't get a single invite from any of my local family members to Thanksgiving dinner. I had dinner at Joe's Crab Shack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 335

You deserved it 104

By Mike Messenger - 05/10/2013 13:51 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I moved into a new house, I couldn't help but notice a car alarm going off, so I investigated my neighbors. Turns out it's their bird. It imitates chainsaws, car alarms, and much more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 606

You deserved it 3 442

By unknown - 07/04/2013 17:01 - Canada - Quebec

Today, my sister was faced with the choice of getting a burger, or picking me up in a snowstorm. The burger won, and I had to travel 4km home by foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 943

You deserved it 2 875

By Embarassed - 15/03/2011 19:29 - United States

Today, while at a school anti-drugs assembly, the speaker asked everyone to stand up if they knew someone who had died of an overdose. As I stood up, my friend hit me in the side, making me laugh. I stood frozen under accusing glares while the speaker bitched me out for a good 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 342

You deserved it 12 715

By Tooloud - 24/03/2013 23:21 - Canada

Today, my roommates decided to hold an intervention. They told me I would have to break up with my boyfriend because they don't want people having sex in our apartment during college exams. My boyfriend agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 961

You deserved it 5 733

Not now, Kevin

By Noname - 16/01/2009 17:31 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend struck up a conversation about the reproductive systems of seahorses. We were getting intimate at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 204

You deserved it 2 624

Lonely

By Anonymous - 07/11/2009 00:29 - United States

Today, I'm a 19 year-old college student in NYC, it's Friday night and I'm sitting alone on my bed in my dorm room, talking to my mother on Facebook. Then she stopped responding. Turns out even my mother has better things to do on Friday night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 093

You deserved it 6 489

By drucle - 18/03/2016 12:49 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I found out that my sister's kids refer to me as their 'Drunkle'. I guess I have to admit to myself that I'm an alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 894

You deserved it 16 140

Happy Feet

By Anonymous - 12/10/2019 00:01

Today, an old lady rear ended my car the light. Her explanation was, "It's a new car, and when I take my foot off the break, it just rolls forward all on its own! I don't know what's wrong with it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 682

You deserved it 92

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Top comments

Despereaux 15

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Saturday 22 August 2015 20:09

But why wouldn't you just toss it down onto the floor near your dog?

IchigoDeathGod 14

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Saturday 22 August 2015 20:17

Hopefully your mother understands! Wish you luck, cause we all know how scary mothers can be at times.

Despereaux 15

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Saturday 22 August 2015 20:09

But why wouldn't you just toss it down onto the floor near your dog?

RockyCharleyChar 8

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Saturday 22 August 2015 20:16

More than likely, OP threw the food down the hallway so his dog would run away from him while he's eating. I don't think he anticipated his mom being there, though lol.