Kids: Today, my daughter spoke her first words. Her dad had been practicing...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 291

You deserved it 72

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 128

You deserved it 1 133

17/09/2011 04:36

Today, my daughter spoke her first words. Her dad had been practicing with her for weeks in secret. She crawled to me and said, "I poop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 409

You deserved it 4 663

Kids

Sorry…

Batman

Weird movie choice

30/10/2011 05:31

Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 045

You deserved it 24 908

It's not me

By LDF - 25/12/2008 10:30

Today, I was sitting in a train when the old lady sitting next to me started staring at me. I asked her if she was OK, and she exclaimed, "Willy! It's you! Where have you been all this time?" The entire train trip went like this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 068

You deserved it 1 920

21/02/2015 02:54

Today, three days after finally having a bed to sleep on, I woke up with multiple bedbug bites. I can't use my blankets, wear any of my clothes and it's back to sleeping on the floor for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 305

You deserved it 2 616

02/05/2019 10:00

Today, I spent several hundred dollars having our pipes and septic system fixed. Tonight, I watched my husband pour about a half-liter of bacon grease into the sink. Better keep the septic guy on speed dial. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 003

You deserved it 249

05/10/2014 19:31

Today, I replied to a party invite. I thought I was only replying to the hostess, who's a close friend, so added a P. S. about a recent sex toy purchase I'd made and how rubbish it had been. I only realised after pressing "Send" that I'd selected "Reply All". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 380

You deserved it 41 253

30/04/2013 21:26

Today, it's my wedding day. I have a cold sore that makes me look like The Joker. Make-up won't cover it and the emergency medicine my doctor gave me only irritates it more. My future husband asks, "Why so serious?" and laughs whenever he sees me. Fantastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 795

You deserved it 4 026

25/06/2009 04:01

Today, I was riding on the back of my dad's motorcycle. After a few minutes, the vibrations from the engine became way too much for me and I couldn't control myself. I had such an intense orgasm, sitting right behind my father, with my arms around his waist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 369

You deserved it 16 161

19/01/2010 19:26

Today, I sent my boss a link to a website I thought would answer a simple question she'd asked. Turns out, yes, the site did answer her question, but it also had some very suggestive ads on it. Apparently I'm the only person in the office who uses adblock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 144

You deserved it 2 995

27/07/2009 18:22

Today, my brother decided it would be funny to squirt disappearing ink on my wedding dress right before I walked down the aisle. It didn't disappear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 720

You deserved it 3 356

03/10/2014 20:43

Today, I overheard my brother telling his friend that having sex with a girl who's on the pill gives the guy female hormones and "turns you into like, half-chick, half-dude." He was serious. How am I related to this moron? FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 345

You deserved it 3 085

Gun control

By Emily - 28/12/2020 17:01

Today, only a few hours after getting certified and buying my first pistol, I dropped it and blew off two of my toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 346

You deserved it 2 054

07/09/2009 18:16

Today, I told my parents that all I wanted for my 18th birthday was to go to a restaurant in NYC for a nice dinner. My parents denied me saying that it would cost too much money. I come home today to see my parents had bought a huge plasma screen TV for $800. We already have 3 tv's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 812

You deserved it 4 341

13/08/2009 02:01

Today, while biking home from work, a 12 mile trip, I was speeding down a long hill and my jean pant leg got caught in the chain. It ripped, and then the rest of my pant leg ripped off. I had to bike 10 more miles half naked along the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 069

You deserved it 6 126

30/04/2016 04:38

Today, while examining my busted nose in the mirror, I had a sneeze attack. Now it looks like someone got their throat slashed in my bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 055

You deserved it 1 453

13/10/2009 15:53

Today, I locked my keys in my car. My spare keys are 45 minutes away in my dorm room. My dorm room keys are attached to my car keys locked in my car. Security said they would let me in as long as I had my school ID. It's on my keychain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 014

You deserved it 7 643

08/10/2012 17:27

Today, I cleaned out my house and placed multiple boxes of clothes and books in my two-seated truck to take to the Goodwill. While turning onto the highway, everything tumbled on top of me, sending me crashing into a guardrail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 534

You deserved it 8 415

18/10/2012 14:41

Today, an exterminator sprayed for cockroaches in my dorm room. After classes I got back to find three large cockroaches on top of my bed. Now that the exterminator has sprayed everything, all the cockroaches are coming out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 286

You deserved it 1 904

18/12/2010 05:21

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was from myself: a positive pregnancy test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 632

You deserved it 91 423

14/06/2017 17:00

Today, a "friend" tried to sell me a digital camera that I recognized that was stolen from my home a week earlier, along with a few other things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 674

You deserved it 251

04/07/2011 09:42

Today, while working as a cashier at McDonald's, a man came in telling me that he had not received his hamburger. I looked at his receipt and the date said 11/17/09. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 442

You deserved it 3 856

31/01/2009 14:43

Today, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. My best friend comes over and informs me that I had sex with my girlfriend's two best friends last night. Awesome! Then I realized her best friends are guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 831

You deserved it 52 413

09/09/2013 20:51

Today, while at the zoo, I found out that the rhinos there can pee backwards, while standing directly behind one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 961

You deserved it 4 559

21/10/2014 20:13

Today, I got stuck on an airplane for a while before takeoff. Someone decided it was a great time to get diarrhea while on the toilet, and we couldn't take off for safety reasons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 913

You deserved it 4 107

Fucknut

By pikapikafuckyou! - 19/07/2020 08:01

Today, my overly religious fucknut of a cousin called me, ranting about my daughter trying to corrupt hers. They were chatting on a kids' messenger app when my 5-year-old sent her 7-year-old a Pokémon sticker. Apparently, Pokémon in satanic and we ought to know better. Now she won’t let them talk to us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 774

You deserved it 148

30/08/2013 20:31

Today, I woke up to a warm bed, the morning sunlight bathing my face, and my boyfriend sneaking my credit card out of my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 972

You deserved it 4 055

31/10/2014 23:10

Today, my best friend told me that she was a virgin again because she hadn't had sex in 6 months. She's 19 and actually believes it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 081

You deserved it 2 847

08/09/2009 19:32

Today, I was listening to my iPod while changing the diaper on my baby. One earbud fell out of my ear and onto the changing table so I quickly picked it up without looking and put it back in my ear, only to realize the headphone had fallen onto more than a table. I now have brown earphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 803

You deserved it 47 195

Legalize it

By Anonymous - 25/07/2021 15:01

Today, after arriving, I was told that there will be mandatory drug tests for everybody at my work. Yesterday, I did joints at a friend's party, as it was her birthday. I'm fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 379

You deserved it 1 332

16/07/2016 22:33

Today, after a long day at work, I walked into my room with the lights off and jumped on my bed. At least I would've if I haven't rearranged my room and instead face-planted onto my desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 004

You deserved it 4 732

05/01/2016 15:04

Today, I found out that my best friend is being sacked. He's also about to rent a new apartment which he won't be able to afford when he loses his job. I can't warn him or I'll breach confidentiality and lose my job as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 040

You deserved it 1 972

11/10/2009 15:42

Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 035

You deserved it 29 731

15/12/2010 04:24

Today, I was driving with my dog. Looking out the half-open window he stepped on the switch, the window went up, causing his head to get stuck. I looked down and he had scared the shit out of himself, all over my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 699

You deserved it 10 127

Kinda sweet

By cakegirl - 26/05/2009 01:15

Today, my boyfriend invited me over, so I went, not thinking anything of it. To my surprise, he broke up with me. I was pretty upset, and as I was leaving his mom handed me a box. When I got home, I opened it. His mom had baked me a break-up cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 366

You deserved it 3 798

31/12/2016 17:24

Today, I went to let my dog inside because she was barking. I saw my neighbour standing at my fence, screaming that she was going to kill my dog with a shovel for barking at her. My dog was only doing it because my neighbor was putting her trash in my garbage bin. This isn't a new thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 161

You deserved it 129

28/08/2011 11:29

Today, I bought a new goldfish. While leaving my fish on my balcony to go get fish food, I hear a loud squawk and splash, I race outside to see a bird flying off with my fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 385

You deserved it 42 931

09/12/2011 12:23

Today, after my roommate decided to become a vegetarian, her new food choices are making her pass deadly, nauseating gas all night. We have a busted window that won't open. I'm afraid I may not live to see tomorrow morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 001

You deserved it 2 560

11/10/2009 01:04

Today, I went to work to find two new beautiful trainees. I thought maybe I might be able to hook up with one of them, so I walk up and flash my blue eyes and begin to act like a gentleman. Not five minutes into our conversation the girls ask me if there are any cute guys working here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 294

You deserved it 39 690

09/03/2011 22:08

Today, I was told that I will never be able to have children. Thankfully for my husband, his girlfriend sure can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 331

You deserved it 3 643

19/05/2016 17:19

Today, my plan to prank my husband backfired when I forgot about the "pop-its" I left under the toilet seat and set them off. It not only scared the shit out of me, it also woke up my 2 month-old and my grumpy husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 050

You deserved it 12 800

Be happy for me

By IHaveThePower - 01/10/2021 20:00

Today, I got offered an interview for a great job. My father then spent the entire dinner telling me how pointless it was, and how I should apply to the factory next door because I would spend all the extra money on gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 850

You deserved it 54

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Top comments

underguarded 20

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Saturday 17 September 2011 12:07

At least she's correct.

Hockey_fan 0

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Saturday 17 September 2011 12:11

Shoulda been "Grab daddy a beer" ....he missed the opportunity

Comments

ileina 5

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Saturday 17 September 2011 12:05

Smart daughter.

livewire1701 8

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Saturday 17 September 2011 12:32

She officially has the intelligence of a parrot.

YourEvilHero 12

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Saturday 17 September 2011 13:21

now is when you tell your husband he's changing diapers until she learns how to day mommy.

monkeys1315 0

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Saturday 17 September 2011 17:35

Haha at least you no when she goes now.

13FTW 9

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Saturday 17 September 2011 18:30

Tennessee... Figures.

Streeet_hayley 6

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Saturday 17 September 2011 21:14

scrapmetal58 9

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Saturday 17 September 2011 23:14

Next she'll say "I poop, therefore I am. "

JuggaletteKlown 0

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Sunday 18 September 2011 4:19

What does Tennessee have to do with her husband being a dick?

underguarded 20

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Saturday 17 September 2011 12:07

At least she's correct.

enonymous 8

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Saturday 17 September 2011 12:08

I was kind of hopping she would have been like that cartoon frog and put the top hat and cane on and start singing "Hello my baby"

Rabidkid 14

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Saturday 17 September 2011 12:10

You sir, are a genius

EvilPotato 14

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Saturday 17 September 2011 14:01

"hello my honey, hello my friends in style."

vettle 6

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Saturday 17 September 2011 15:38

Love!

enonymous 8

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Sunday 18 September 2011 9:00

Michigan J Frog reference

EvilPotato 14

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Monday 19 September 2011 4:28

74 no man I'm thinking Bugs Bunny & Tweety show bro.

enonymous 8

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Tuesday 20 September 2011 10:12

78 - yep Michigan J Frog is the character from looney toons.

KennyMcCrmick322 0

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Friday 30 September 2011 8:14

You sir, Are epic

Hockey_fan 0

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Saturday 17 September 2011 12:11

Shoulda been "Grab daddy a beer" ....he missed the opportunity

crazychick1269 7

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Saturday 17 September 2011 16:09

aha Win

applegrape 0

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Sunday 18 September 2011 4:24

Nahh he he shoulda taught her to say, go make daddy a sandwich.

GRRSOM 7

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Saturday 17 September 2011 12:11

@3: All that hopping must have gotten you tired.

enonymous 8

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Saturday 17 September 2011 12:23

Thank you for catching part of the joke

NomOnShroomz 14

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Saturday 17 September 2011 15:11

Grrsom, you know you can just comment on the comment, right?

centarous85 0

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Sunday 18 September 2011 7:16

No grrsom is just that stupid!

mistersheezy 7

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Saturday 17 September 2011 12:28

You should have taught her to tell him "clean me"

EvilPotato 14

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Saturday 17 September 2011 12:32

That sounds kinda pervish.

NomOnShroomz 14

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Saturday 17 September 2011 15:14

Dude, you're sick for thinking that way about a baby... and I'm pretty sure pervish is not a word.

Senior29 8

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Saturday 17 September 2011 12:32

maybe he was tryina teach her "boob"?

centarous85 0

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Sunday 18 September 2011 7:18

The guy who thinks the preggo woman was testing her breast milk for poison, who is from pakistan

Senior29 8

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Sunday 18 September 2011 17:57

lol m i being stalked?

Sabraynay 10

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Saturday 17 September 2011 12:36

On the plus side, at least you'll know it was her and not the dog.

FroggyFM 4

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Saturday 17 September 2011 12:38

Her next word is gonna be pee.

live_2_eat 5

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Saturday 17 September 2011 12:46

Lol, that's hillarious! Hey, think of it this way, at least she'll have an interesting story to tell when she's older.