Today, at college, I found a lanyard with some keys and a YMCA... - FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2011 01:24 - United States

Today, at college, I found a lanyard with some keys and a YMCA member's card attached. Hoping to find contact details, I googled the name on the back of the card, just in time for him to return and see me looking through his Facebook profile like some kind of stalker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23290

You deserved it

12380

Tweet

Share

Cold-blooded old times

Caught red-handed

Nice neighborhood

By hadtocleanthemess - 28/6/2011 12:35 - Canada

Today, my dog got his head stuck in a container, panicked, and shat himself all over the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34737

You deserved it

4170

Tweet

Share

By jdot747 - 18/1/2009 01:48 - Canada

Today, I posted a question on a forum asking if my week old nipple piercing would get hooked on anything easily. People assured me that it would be fine. An hour later I had to climb over a wall to get something and in lowering myself down I forgot about it and dragged my nipple along the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8624

You deserved it

29302

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/8/2013 06:19 - United States

Today, I realized that my anger problems have gotten out of hand, when I shouted "Fuck you!" at my toaster. My mood swings and loneliness have also reached a new high, evidently, as my next actions were to apologize to the appliance and then continue talking to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50160

You deserved it

9735

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/5/2018 01:30

Today, after dating a guy for 2 months, things seemed to be going well. I offered to buy dinner and trusted he would keep in mind that I'm a college student on a budget. He picked the restaurant, ran up the bill over $100, made me pay, and dumped me right after. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4994

You deserved it

626

Tweet

Share

By undoable - 8/9/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

30020

You deserved it

9710

Tweet

Share

By screewit - 20/2/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, I called my girlfriend and she answered telling me how amazing the sex was last night and she can't wait to see me later. I didn't see her last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

101423

You deserved it

4935

Tweet

Share

By sharibaby - 30/4/2013 21:26 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, it's my wedding day. I have a cold sore that makes me look like The Joker. Make-up won't cover it and the emergency medicine my doctor gave me only irritates it more. My future husband asks, "Why so serious?" and laughs whenever he sees me. Fantastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46737

You deserved it

3968

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/3/2009 01:33 - United States

Today, my sister brought her class hamster home from school. Somehow it escaped from its cage, and ran into my room. My boyfriend, thinking it was a mouse, stomped on it. I'm stuck cleaning hamster guts from my carpet, and explaining to a kindergarten class what happened to their pet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58434

You deserved it

7572

Tweet

Share

By FuckfaceSteve - 1/2/2015 14:59 - United Kingdom - Chester-le-street

Today, the girl I like finally replied to a text I sent a week ago. Her reply was: "Don't ever text me again, fuckface." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34554

You deserved it

4381

Tweet

Share

By mcfatty - 14/8/2016 04:21 - India - Bangalore

Today, despite having a bunch of work and school related things to do, I made time to go visit family I hadn't seen in a while. The main topic of discussion was how fat I've gotten. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14348

You deserved it

1499

Tweet

Share

By Frazz - 10/6/2013 05:09 - Australia - Aspley

Today, I was told by my grandfather that I was no longer allowed to visit him or to set foot in his house. Why? He found out I have been taking Japanese and German as electives in my degree, so I must be an 'enemy spy'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51834

You deserved it

5217

Tweet

Share

By Miss<Younger>Beyoncé - 13/10/2014 08:13 - Namibia - Windhoek

Today, I was boxing up all my brother's old stuff to take to the attic. I came across a box, and without checking what was inside, I took it up, just to have it fall on my head, to then find out it was filled with dead baby hamsters. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39693

You deserved it

3866

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, I was relaxing alone at a bar when I was approached by the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. She was too good to be true, so I asked, "Is this some kind of a prank?" She immediately turned around and left. She thought I was calling her ugly. I'll never see her again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19129

You deserved it

78383

Tweet

Share

By FML136969 - 5/5/2013 23:30 - United States - Oxford

Today, I tried channeling Mr. Miyagi by catching a fly with my bare hands. It turned out to be a wasp. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22719

You deserved it

50191

Tweet

Share

By mulligan - 7/7/2016 17:38 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I'll be moving to a different state in a few months for a new job. He now refers to me as his "girlfriend for now". FML

I agree, your life sucks

12750

You deserved it

2780

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/8/2012 23:25 - United Kingdom - Kent

Today, after years of bad blood, my husband decided to invite his parents to dinner. After making rude remarks about my pregnancy, his dad eventually muttered that I'm a slut. My husband punched him, his wife called the police, and now I'm all alone while he sits in a jail cell for battery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33459

You deserved it

1970

Tweet

Share

By Trouble - 11/4/2017 18:00

Today, at work, I was informed that my manager told the owner, "Everything wrong with my department" is me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4184

You deserved it

415

Tweet

Share

By dirtyfoot - 18/1/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, I stepped in dog shit, barefoot, in my own bathroom. The dog had been outside for two hours earlier, and I'd watched him take a dump. Apparently he was saving some for when he got back in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21984

You deserved it

2387

Tweet

Share

By exfishowner - 27/1/2019 12:00

Today, my 3-year-old daughter put her grow-in-water salamander in my fish tank. The residue from the toy gummed up the filter and killed all the fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2384

You deserved it

288

Tweet

Share

By How can you f*** up that bad!? - 17/2/2017 15:51 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Saudi end of the internet, and it was awful…

Today, I was unable to connect to the Internet. After calling support, I was informed that due to a cut cable, the whole country will have no service from that provider for some time. The. Whole. Country. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6495

You deserved it

463

Tweet

Share

By melons - 3/7/2013 09:09 - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, the massive bogey that had been dangling precariously from my manager's nose for half an hour finally detached itself. Into my coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48948

You deserved it

5281

Tweet

Share

By becca1417 - 1/9/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I was at the mall in a store looking at movie posters. I turned around and suddenly saw a creepy guy smiling at me, holding his arms out wide. I screamed "holy shit!" really loudly, causing everyone to stop and stare at me funny. Then I realized the creepy man was a cardboard cutout. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14690

You deserved it

45171

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/2/2010 18:23 - United States

Today, I got ice cream with a guy I'd met at a wrestling match a few days ago. When I got home, I found out that my mother had been sitting in the parking lot and watched us through the windows. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30183

You deserved it

2798

Tweet

Share

By notagain - 7/3/2020 09:01

Grindr danger

Today, while on Grindr, I met a guy who seemed really nice and we hit it off. After chatting for a bit, I received a message from his wife, telling me I'd better leave him alone. This isn't the first time that's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1538

You deserved it

251

Tweet

Share

By beccaj_ilh - 6/9/2009 15:04 - United Kingdom

Today, while I was working in a bar, a very fat drunk guy kept flirting with me. He assumed I liked him because I kept blushing. I didn’t. It’s just been so long since anyone flirted with me that I apparently now cannot control my reactions if a man talks to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40562

You deserved it

6768

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/9/2019 06:00 - United States - Los Angeles

I'm sitting right here

Today, I got my nails done at a salon where everyone working there was Vietnamese. During my manicure, the manicurists talked about how ugly I was in their native tongue. They couldn't have known that I'd lived in Vietnam and I'm fluent in Vietnamese, but too chickenshit to speak up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1756

You deserved it

499

Tweet

Share

By Grauncho - 22/9/2012 14:12 - United States - Chicago

Today, while dog sitting my neighbor's Great Dane, I decided to order pizza. As soon as I received it, the dog stood in the hallway staring at me. As soon as I moved, he ran full force and knocked me into the door, causing me to fall and drop the pizza, which he promptly devoured in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25565

You deserved it

3553

Tweet

Share

By fmldailyyy - 18/9/2010 23:13 - Ireland

Today, my husband told me he had been cheating on me for the past 8 months. Twenty minutes later, he asked me what was for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40844

You deserved it

3051

Tweet

Share

By Isabelle18 - 19/7/2009 14:14 - Canada

Today, I was walking to work when I saw an empty pop can. Angry at whoever left it, I kicked it out of the way. Turns out it wasn't empty; it was filled with hornets. I had to run 2km to work while being attacked by a giant swarm of wasps. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38259

You deserved it

29405

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/7/2010 20:31 - United States

Today, I was looking for a parking spot and finally found one. Trying to figure out if the spot was legal, I asked a cop that had pulled up. He said it was fine. I came back 3 hours later to a parking ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42842

You deserved it

3976

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 02:35 - United States - Mascotte

Today, I found out you can get hemorrhoids during labor even if you have a c-section. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21460

You deserved it

1773

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/9/2015 13:00 - United States - Grand Junction

Warrior

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when halfway through, he leaned over to grab his cup of hot coffee off the nightstand. He then attempted to drink it and spilled most of it on me. He never stopped thrusting the whole time, and wanted to continue after. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30298

You deserved it

3231

Tweet

Share

By kalazoo21 - 25/8/2009 12:54 - United States

Today, I quit my job that my girlfriend and I worked together at. Fellow employees are not allowed to date one another and I said it would be ok if I was the one to leave. When I got home to her and told her that I quit, she decided to break up with me. I now have no job and no girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44958

You deserved it

12665

Tweet

Share

By lovinglife - 24/12/2011 12:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I wrapped my boyfriend's Christmas presents for him, because he was too lazy to do it himself. This included my own present. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30460

You deserved it

6290

Tweet

Share

By LonelyBoy - 16/3/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, I realized my girlfriend has way more friends than I do. How did I realize this? She called me to tell me she was at the beach with her friends and how much fun she was having. I was playing WoW in my room, and my friends don't answer my texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15616

You deserved it

26820

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/6/2018 09:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, for the 2nd time in a month, I've been rear-ended at a stop light. One insurance company refuses to pay because of prior damage from the 1st accident, and the other won't pay because of new damage not caused by their client. I just want my car back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3590

You deserved it

180

Tweet

Share

By sickday - 2/12/2018 17:30

Today, I took my first holiday from work in over 6 months as it was my birthday. Today was also the day I woke up and vomited violently for 10 straight hours as a result of food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2816

You deserved it

152

Tweet

Share

By Username - 27/11/2010 02:30 - United States

Today, after having a long and serious talk about maybe having a relationship, the guy I really like told me to send him a "sexy picture." I sent him a picture of me in a bra and a thong. He replied, "Yeah, you're hot!" and signed off after ten minutes of silence. I haven't heard from him since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11470

You deserved it

45843

Tweet

Share

By birdfoooo - 29/11/2011 15:26 - United States

Today, as I was leaving Wal-mart, a huge group of birds settled along the wire above the street. I thought it would be hilarious to scare them, so I stuck my head out the window and screamed. The birds responded by simultaneously shitting on my car in very neat rows. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7987

You deserved it

54908

Tweet

Share

By EwwEwwEww - 19/2/2017 03:00 - United States - Portland

Today, I noticed that the floor outside our bathroom was covered in toenail clippings. I asked my husband what had happened. Turns out, he saves time by clipping his nails onto the floor and then sweeping them out into the hall, where they get lodged in the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5745

You deserved it

437

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Prolusive | 5

#3302146 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:38

Your heart was in the right place, just have fun explaining it :)

By jillianmathers12 | 13

#3302161 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:40

Just explain it to him I am sure he will understand!

Comments

By Prolusive | 5

#3302146 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:38

Your heart was in the right place, just have fun explaining it :)

Reply

MagicGiraffe | 12

#3302175 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:41

it's a new hobby!

Reply

Keyman1212 | 14

#3302269 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:51

Or just look at him in a really creepy manner, and give him your number.

Reply

Mean_Mr_Mustard | 9

#3302279 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:53

It's alright OP. You may look like crazy stalker weirdo but at least you look like a kind crazy stalker weirdo.
..Or maybe he just thinks your going to take a key and a piece of his hair off of his shoulder to try and do voodoo on him...

Reply

EvilPotato | 14

#3302295 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:54

1 "well you see sir..."

Reply

Streeet_hayley | 6

#3302415 - Saturday 17 September 2011 6:11

Isnt stalking what Facebook is for?

Reply

leadman1989 | 15

#3302438 - Saturday 17 September 2011 6:16

The road to robot hell is paved with good Intentions.

Reply

Freeze_fml | 16

#3302459 - Saturday 17 September 2011 6:20

Hell is other robots.

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3302490 - Saturday 17 September 2011 6:27

Quite the eHarmony moment.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3302511 - Saturday 17 September 2011 6:32

23- Absolutely.

Reply

nerobluerose | 10

#3302830 - Saturday 17 September 2011 8:47

Did the guy look at you like you were creepy?

Anyone like my pic? It was on a pet store I passed by in my town. Awesomeness.

Reply

crowing2113 | 1

#3303403 - Saturday 17 September 2011 14:44

No it's not. I've seen that pic all over the Internet foe a while.

By jillianmathers12 | 13

#3302161 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:40

Just explain it to him I am sure he will understand!

Reply

HowAreYouToday | 34

#3302645 - Saturday 17 September 2011 7:16

Too wholesome. Gtfo

Reply

Iheartfunny | 1

#3303747 - Saturday 17 September 2011 16:17

Missunderstandings suck like once I was kidnapping this kid... ahh never mind.

Reply

HowAreYouToday | 34

#3305047 - Saturday 17 September 2011 23:40

I hear you. Once I was robbing this bank, and some lady thought I was Justin Bieber. It sucks to be on the wrong end of a misunderstanding...

By HeavyScout | 0

#3302165 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:40

Seems like being a good Samaritan has back fired on you. Sorry OP.

Reply

organicmtdew | 0

#3330292 - Thursday 22 September 2011 23:44

You win for knowing to capitalize! Biblical references done right FTW!

By palahniukpaul | 6

#3302168 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:41

Haha louser stalker

Reply

ItsTheKing | 10

#3302259 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:50

Son of a bitch. Who the hell was your English teacher?

Reply

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#3302326 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:57

4, you really should quit talking about yourself like that, not good for your self-esteem.

Reply

kyarush | 10

#3302387 - Saturday 17 September 2011 6:06

What was that fatty? I didn't quite get that.

Reply

mootoo31 | 6

#3302471 - Saturday 17 September 2011 6:24

Haha louser speller.

Reply

GrammaticalNazi | 2

#3302739 - Saturday 17 September 2011 7:54

4 - Hey, you want to get in one of my special showers? Please?

Reply

MatthewHass | 4

#3302833 - Saturday 17 September 2011 8:54

Fatty

By L3g4lPl4typus | 0

#3302172 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:41

I'd love to see the look on his face then

By rarememory | 7

#3302181 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:41

Should've told him next time he leaves his ID around you're taking his life over and walked away

By MrsPegg | 45

#3302196 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:42

I understand why you did what you did, but don't get why you didnt just call the local YMCA branch and tell them you found his lost keys? They could've notified him for you and saved you any embarrassment.

Reply

nitram0606 | 0

#3302889 - Saturday 17 September 2011 9:23

You understand why he did what he did, but you don't know why he did what he did instead if what you said he should do. Ok that's cleared up.

Reply

MrsPegg | 45

#3303024 - Saturday 17 September 2011 11:31

yep, that's pretty much it. . . Now that I reread my comment, I see your point. LOL ;)

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#3304643 - Saturday 17 September 2011 20:31

I don't understand. There was no reception desk or lost and found? Seems like a lot of inefficient effort.

By emerluvsu | 6

#3302212 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:44

Then just explain your situation about finding the keys, stupid!

By ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3302219 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:45

Oh nooooo how embarrassing. Isn't that what Facebook is made for, and why everyone uses it? So other people can look through it? If no one looked at it then what's the point?

Reply

Cazzybum | 11

#3302837 - Saturday 17 September 2011 8:56

People don't have their contact details on public view on facebook so op would have been better off handing them in to the YMCA.

Reply

NomOnShroomz | 14

#3304246 - Saturday 17 September 2011 18:59

Fucking wannabe.

Reply

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3305769 - Sunday 18 September 2011 3:20

Love is the key, 66.

By ErinLacy | 0

#3302273 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:52

Ummm , Free gym membership? ;)