Today, at college, I found a lanyard with some keys and a YMCA... - FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2011 01:24 - United States

Today, at college, I found a lanyard with some keys and a YMCA member's card attached. Hoping to find contact details, I googled the name on the back of the card, just in time for him to return and see me looking through his Facebook profile like some kind of stalker. FML

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Family values

Season finale

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

By murp - 18/10/2012 16:26 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went out for a few drinks with some friends. All night, I kept smiling and showing off my newly brace-free teeth. Later on, one of my friends drunkly asked, "Why does she keep smiling? Her teeth are fucking jacked." FML

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By tee - 6/4/2015 20:02 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I was told it was inconvenient for me to take lunch breaks, because someone else has to answer the phones and no one else wants to actually do any work. FML

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By joshinbaltimore - 22/3/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, "Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up." I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 14:00

Spreading it around

Today, I overheard my co-worker talking about how she's going to Panama City, Florida this weekend and is going to "get lit." It's the middle of the pandemic, and she's going to go party on a beach. She'll be back at work Tuesday. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2010 22:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me how he used to collect little things when he was younger. He then decided to tell me about his current big toe nail collection. FML

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By gunman - 20/10/2009 04:57 - United States

Today, I was showing my friend's dad an airsoft gun I was hoping he would be interested in buying. It's a pistol worth about 90 bucks. In the midst of showing him, I thought it would be funny to do a fake, upwards "pistol whip". The mag ended up flying out full speed and hitting him in the eye. FML

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By klutz44 - 16/4/2015 18:36 - United States - Winnetka

Today, I took my 2 year old to the potty in a public restroom. I was just about to set her on the toilet when the automatic flush went off, scaring her and causing her to pee all over both of us. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 20:02

AT&Twat

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his best friend that the only reason he likes to sleep over at my house is for the sex and the fast internet. FML

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By broussimousse - 10/3/2009 20:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a run with this cute guy I know. I was sweating untractively and profusely so I decided to discretly grab a leaf from a tree and wipe my face with it. A bird had done the same with his ass few minutes ago. FML

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By sucks at sucking - 15/12/2012 00:27 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML

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By balletteacher - 8/9/2012 20:32 - United States

Today, I realized my acne looks like star constellations. I've already found the Little Dipper on my left cheek. FML

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By morning_glory - 27/1/2015 21:17 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss expected me to corroborate her lie to a customer. She changed her story suddenly and I got caught up in the crosshairs. Then she got mad at me for not understanding what just happened. FML

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By denied - 11/8/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, I was supposed to finally go out with my guy-friend that I have liked for a long time. He told me he would text me, and after waiting for hours for the text, I finally got it. It said, "Guess what!? I just got laid!" He forgot our date, had it off, and I congratulated him. FML

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By TheyObjectToTheUnholyUnion - 29/1/2016 12:51 - United States - Rochester

Today, I received yet another letter from a relative bitching me out for not involving my parents in my wedding. The parents who showed no interest in our relationship and then yelled at my fiancé and me when we announced it to them, calling us stupid, naive, heathens, and mentally ill. FML

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By PanFace - 13/10/2009 06:54 - Australia

Today, I had an argument with my wife. I told her to get back in the kitchen. How does she respond? By doing what I told her to do, and returning to hit me with a frying pan. FML

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By :) - 22/4/2010 17:37 - Greece

Today, I was getting my portrait done. The artist told me to smile. He looked at me, then said, "Oh, don't smile." FML

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By emma_waters23 - 26/4/2013 00:11 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I was walking my dog. A cute guy stopped me and said, "Wow, you are gorgeous!" I said thanks. He looked at me like I was nuts and said, "Not you, your dog." FML

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By RIPJarJar - 20/10/2017 22:18

Today, my husband gave our three-year-old son a lesson on life and death. He did this by slaughtering our pet chicken for dinner in front of him. My son has been crying for hours. FML

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By awkwardparents - 6/8/2012 08:13 - United States - Burlingame

Today, my girlfriend's parents took pictures of my tattoos to make sure I'm "not affiliated with any gangs." I have never even been arrested. FML

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By r4inb0wbrit3 - 13/7/2012 07:37 - United States - Townsend

Today, I was on a date with a great guy, and we were really hitting it off. While we were walking in the park, a woman who smelled like the devil's toenails and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a year passed us. I whispered to my date, "Look at that disgusting woman." It was his mother. FML

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By Michael - 20/9/2017 16:00

Taking the Micheal

Today, my girlfriend of 5 years confessed to cheating on me during my recent business trip. Moreover, she doesn't want to cut off contact with the other guy, because she's afraid of hurting HIS feelings. FML

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By lyssthemiss - 22/9/2015 10:51 - United States - Joliet

Today, I was taking a bath after a long day at work. I closed my eyes and listened to music. My cat thought this was the perfect time to come out of his hiding spot and jump in the bath. Once he realized it was filled with water, he freaked out and dug his claws into my face. FML

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By TheSaddestSpiceMeatball - 30/10/2019 16:00

Happy Reset Day!

Today, it was mine and my fiancé's 4 year anniversary. What did he get me? Nothing, but I did find out he's been cheating on me with multiple women. Guess I’m back to 0 years. FML

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By IzzMeister - 15/12/2019 20:00 - United States

Watch a movie

Today, I walked in on my uncle watching porn. I realized that it was porn of my boyfriend, and he told me that the girl in it was "just a friend". FML

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By unappreciated husband - 28/3/2014 21:43 - United States - Pullman

Today, my wife got her period. Every single time, she ends up asking me to go buy her some midol after a few days of trying to tough it out, so I decided to buy her some ahead of time. She reacted by yelling at me for treating her like a child and implying that she couldn't go buy it herself. FML

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By feelinnauseous - 24/6/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I went to a new bar downtown with some friends. I was a little buzzed and had to pee so bad. I rushed into the bathroom and as I sat down I felt a squish on my upper thigh. Turns out the last person in the stall decided to take a shit on the toilet seat. FML

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By Overlord247 - 28/6/2019 07:05 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, due to sleep deprivation, I wasn't paying attention to where the elevator stopped. I walked into a flat, thinking it was mine. It wasn't. It was the flat just beneath mine. FML

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By Aphrodite - 23/1/2010 21:13 - France

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, when the Taco Bell I'd eaten for lunch came back up for round two. Undigested rice and beans got stuck in his hair. FML

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By meagainsttheworld - 26/10/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, while filling out some medical forms, I was asked for an emergency contact. I realized I didn't have anyone who would actually care enough to be my contact. FML

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By rejected - 23/4/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, my friends and I were celebrating Spring Break by going out to a club. I saw a very, very cute girl sipping a drink at the bar all by herself. Trying to be a stud I walked over and said "What are you doing Friday night?" Her response: "Not you." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2009 23:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me explaining that he is getting married this weekend to a woman he met on Craigslist. Why? Because I won't marry him, and he'll make an extra thousand dollars per month having a wife since he is in the army. FML

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By maruskasommers - 9/1/2012 09:39 - Czech Republic

Today, I came home with a friend to find my mom scratching my dad's butt with a fork. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2010 07:58 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me for six months with my best friend of five years. After asking him what she had that I didn't, he responded with one word - "Boobies." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2013 04:16 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I found out that my obese son, who is on a health-mandated diet and exercise plan, gorges on junk food whenever he has the chance. His logic? "It won't make you fatter if you crap it out." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2014 16:02 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out first-hand that the most horrifying sight you can ever witness is two morbidly obese people getting nasty with each other in a dance club's run-down, public restroom. FML

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By Giggity - 21/2/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, I found out that the mysterious smell from under my bed was my cats collection of dead mice. FML

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By Carrie - 8/5/2013 05:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my water broke while my boyfriend was breaking up with me. FML

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By e11ie - 27/9/2009 20:57 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch, he looked down at my chest and said "I can't wait for the day that these produce milk." We've only been dating a few months and I have no intention of lactating anytime soon. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2013 15:09 - United States - Beacon

Today, my boyfriend called me pretty. Not because he actually thinks I'm pretty, but because "Hey, how else is a guy supposed to get laid?" FML

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By Sadfaic - 23/1/2012 02:59 - United States

Today, my long lost father came to visit me. He got drunk, then tried to beat me up. My neighbor called the police, and as soon as they got there, my father yelled, "Help! This man tried to stab me!" The sad part is, they believed him. FML

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Top comments

By Prolusive | 5

#3302146 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:38

Your heart was in the right place, just have fun explaining it :)

By jillianmathers12 | 13

#3302161 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:40

Just explain it to him I am sure he will understand!

COMMENTS

By Prolusive | 5

#3302146 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:38

Your heart was in the right place, just have fun explaining it :)

Reply

MagicGiraffe | 12

#3302175 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:41

it's a new hobby!

Reply

Keyman1212 | 14

#3302269 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:51

Or just look at him in a really creepy manner, and give him your number.

Reply

Mean_Mr_Mustard | 9

#3302279 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:53

It's alright OP. You may look like crazy stalker weirdo but at least you look like a kind crazy stalker weirdo.
..Or maybe he just thinks your going to take a key and a piece of his hair off of his shoulder to try and do voodoo on him...

Reply

EvilPotato | 14

#3302295 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:54

1 "well you see sir..."

Reply

Streeet_hayley | 6

#3302415 - Saturday 17 September 2011 6:11

Isnt stalking what Facebook is for?

Reply

leadman1989 | 15

#3302438 - Saturday 17 September 2011 6:16

The road to robot hell is paved with good Intentions.

Reply

Freeze_fml | 16

#3302459 - Saturday 17 September 2011 6:20

Hell is other robots.

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3302490 - Saturday 17 September 2011 6:27

Quite the eHarmony moment.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3302511 - Saturday 17 September 2011 6:32

23- Absolutely.

Reply

nerobluerose | 10

#3302830 - Saturday 17 September 2011 8:47

Did the guy look at you like you were creepy?

Anyone like my pic? It was on a pet store I passed by in my town. Awesomeness.

Reply

crowing2113 | 1

#3303403 - Saturday 17 September 2011 14:44

No it's not. I've seen that pic all over the Internet foe a while.

By jillianmathers12 | 13

#3302161 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:40

Just explain it to him I am sure he will understand!

Reply

HowAreYouToday | 34

#3302645 - Saturday 17 September 2011 7:16

Too wholesome. Gtfo

Reply

Iheartfunny | 1

#3303747 - Saturday 17 September 2011 16:17

Missunderstandings suck like once I was kidnapping this kid... ahh never mind.

Reply

HowAreYouToday | 34

#3305047 - Saturday 17 September 2011 23:40

I hear you. Once I was robbing this bank, and some lady thought I was Justin Bieber. It sucks to be on the wrong end of a misunderstanding...

By HeavyScout | 0

#3302165 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:40

Seems like being a good Samaritan has back fired on you. Sorry OP.

Reply

organicmtdew | 0

#3330292 - Thursday 22 September 2011 23:44

You win for knowing to capitalize! Biblical references done right FTW!

By palahniukpaul | 6

#3302168 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:41

Haha louser stalker

Reply

ItsTheKing | 10

#3302259 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:50

Son of a bitch. Who the hell was your English teacher?

Reply

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#3302326 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:57

4, you really should quit talking about yourself like that, not good for your self-esteem.

Reply

kyarush | 10

#3302387 - Saturday 17 September 2011 6:06

What was that fatty? I didn't quite get that.

Reply

mootoo31 | 6

#3302471 - Saturday 17 September 2011 6:24

Haha louser speller.

Reply

GrammaticalNazi | 2

#3302739 - Saturday 17 September 2011 7:54

4 - Hey, you want to get in one of my special showers? Please?

Reply

MatthewHass | 4

#3302833 - Saturday 17 September 2011 8:54

Fatty

By L3g4lPl4typus | 0

#3302172 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:41

I'd love to see the look on his face then

By rarememory | 7

#3302181 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:41

Should've told him next time he leaves his ID around you're taking his life over and walked away

By MrsPegg | 45

#3302196 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:42

I understand why you did what you did, but don't get why you didnt just call the local YMCA branch and tell them you found his lost keys? They could've notified him for you and saved you any embarrassment.

Reply

nitram0606 | 0

#3302889 - Saturday 17 September 2011 9:23

You understand why he did what he did, but you don't know why he did what he did instead if what you said he should do. Ok that's cleared up.

Reply

MrsPegg | 45

#3303024 - Saturday 17 September 2011 11:31

yep, that's pretty much it. . . Now that I reread my comment, I see your point. LOL ;)

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#3304643 - Saturday 17 September 2011 20:31

I don't understand. There was no reception desk or lost and found? Seems like a lot of inefficient effort.

By emerluvsu | 6

#3302212 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:44

Then just explain your situation about finding the keys, stupid!

By ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3302219 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:45

Oh nooooo how embarrassing. Isn't that what Facebook is made for, and why everyone uses it? So other people can look through it? If no one looked at it then what's the point?

Reply

Cazzybum | 11

#3302837 - Saturday 17 September 2011 8:56

People don't have their contact details on public view on facebook so op would have been better off handing them in to the YMCA.

Reply

NomOnShroomz | 14

#3304246 - Saturday 17 September 2011 18:59

Fucking wannabe.

Reply

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3305769 - Sunday 18 September 2011 3:20

Love is the key, 66.

By ErinLacy | 0

#3302273 - Saturday 17 September 2011 5:52

Ummm , Free gym membership? ;)