Kids: Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the...

By shitface - Australia

Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the face. She had just pooped her nappy and put her hands down her pants to "feel it squish around." FML

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Kids

Serious times

Billy no-mates

You're my mommy now

By Anonymous - 21/7/2020 17:01

Bad timing

Today, my daughter locked herself in the bathroom having a tantrum after her boyfriend dumped her. So, out of sheer desperation, I had to sit in the kitchen sink for a pee, which is when my husband walked in with his mother and sister. FML

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By MissCan'tKeepAJob - United States

Today, I work by myself at a retail store and I was bored so I called my boyfriend. I woke him up and he was feeling frisky, and as things were getting heated I started to moan and say dirty things. Until the entire rack of clothes fell over and revealed my boss hiding. He had a boner. FML

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By Stoopid - United States

Today, I came home to find a BMW partially blocking my driveway. I was already having a bad day, and was upset that some stuck up fool blocked my driveway, so I keyed the driver's side. 5 minutes later my parents show up. The BMW was a graduation gift for me. FML

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By wet dreams - United States - Cartersville

Today, I came to the realization that I dream more about my vibrator than I do about my boyfriend. FML

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By "belladonna1025"

Today, I told a customer her total was $89.40. She put her leg up on the counter and dug a $100 bill out of her nasty sock. It was damp. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, my boyfriend cancelled our vacation plans because I'll be on my period, arguing that, "It wouldn't be a real holiday." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting on the couch, watching The Avengers with my 4-year-old daughter, who loves the Hulk. When Hulk finally showed up, she excitedly looked at me and screamed, "Hulk Smash" before slamming both of her fists into my balls. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my boss asked me if I had any special plans for Christmas. After I told him I was planning a trip to Canada, he snapped, "Well, you can forget it. I need you at the office." FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend of 3 years in his living room when a girl barges in, sees us, and screams "I knew it!" then rushes out. My boyfriend gets up, grabs his pants and while chasing after her yells "baby she's nothing, you know I only love you!" FML

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By My Daughter Fails at Life - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my shut in of a daughter why she was sniffing black pepper. She said she was practicing to make her sneezes sound like coughs, thereby decreasing the likelihood of someone talking to her. FML

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By Alex - 15/12/2020 13:58

Booty non-call

Today, my girl sent me a naked booty pic, telling me not to be late home. When I got home, she was in dirty old sweatpants, too upset for sex because her celebrity crush died. Not in real life, in one of the TV shows she's watching. FML

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By gross - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at 19 years of age, I finally saw a nude girl in real life. Specifically, my sister. FML

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By hopelesss88 - Australia

Today, I had a first date planned. He texted saying he was sick and couldn't make it. Two hours later his twitter account said otherwise. FML

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By ivannooze - United States

Today, the heat rash that has been devouring my side for the last week was revealed to be something much worse: shingles. FML

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By steven - Canada

Today, my friend said he'd give me 20 bucks if I would ask out the ugliest girl in school. I did it. She rejected me. FML

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By Just keep the pins - Sweden - Floda

Today, it's been 2 months since I broke up with my boyfriend. He's been texting me every time he found a bobby pin at his house that belonged to me, saying we should both see it as a sign of us belonging together. If he keeps this up every time he finds one, the texts will probably never stop. FML

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By eddiemusicjazz - United States - Azusa

Today, a week after I lost my wallet, replaced the majority of my ID cards, canceled my debit card, and went to the DMV and paid for a replacement driver's license, I found my wallet. It was in my shoe. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, what started with me forcing a shit a little too hard ended up with me being rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ypsilanti

Today, I did the "walk of shame" sixteen blocks. It wouldn't have been so bad if the sidewalks and streets weren't completely covered in ice. Somewhere along the way I lost what little dignity I had left, along with my left shoe. FML

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By Shopper - United States

Today, I was shopping with a friend. We snuck into the same fitting room so we could give our opinions on each other's clothes. The suspicious saleswoman knocked on the door and asked how many people were in our room. I quickly answered, "It's OK. She's just watching." FML

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By overthehorizon - United States

Today, I thought I would surprise my dad by mowing our entire 2 acre lawn. When he got home, instead of being grateful like I had hoped, he yelled at me for cutting in vertical lines instead of horizontal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Baltimore

Today, I lost a bet with my grandma, and now she's coming with me on my next date. FML

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By Pongy

Today, I found out that shirt sizes don't get longer, they get wider. Being 6ft4, every shirt I try on makes me look like a cheap stripper. FML

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By Burntintomyretinas - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house. She'd told me not to ring the doorbell and just come in so that I wouldn't wake her dad up. As I walked upstairs, her father walked out of the bathroom naked. We locked eyes. I can't get the image out of my head. FML

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By sex deprived - United States

Today, I got more pleasure from scratching a bug bite than I've gotten from my boyfriend in 2 whole years. FML

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By SinkyBalls - Canada

Today, I found out my roommate thinks the sink is an appropriate place to wash his junk. FML

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By Reasondon - United States

Today, I found out my cousin had moved to Texas. I would have been okay with it, were it not for the fact that not only did I loan him $3,500, but I was supposed to go with him too. FML

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By Christian - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. We are on a cruise together. She has already found another room to sleep in. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 08:08 - United Kingdom - London

Great expectations

Today, after making love to my boyfriend, I went upstairs to shower. After turning it on, I found a huge pimple on my leg and the prospect of popping it excited me more than my boyfriend ever had in bed. FML

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987

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By Teylot - Canada

Today, I was sitting at my desk eating cereal with my cat sleeping on my lap. I got a really funny text and I started laughing hysterically, and spilled my cereal all over my cat. I'll let you know how my legs, arms, neck and face heal up. FML

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By JustMyLuck - Canada

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to sleep over at his house. Then he found out that it was that time of the month for me, so he told me that he had to work this weekend and said "see you sometime next week." He doesn't have a job. FML

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By ew - United States - San Antonio

Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML

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By daughter of a gullible cunt - Australia

Today, as per usual, my mother went to see her psychic, who told her that one of her children is harbouring a "dark secret". Now we're all grounded until one of us confesses our obviously non-existent secret. FML

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By anythingjean - Canada

Today, I saw a cute guy on the bus. I smiled at him and he smiled back. After a couple of stops, he got off the bus. He bumped into me, turned around, apologized, and winked. I stood there feeling good about myself. Then I realized he stole my wallet. FML

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By GotGasNotLuck - Australia - Girraween

Today, at my job in a gas station, a customer who had previously driven off without paying came in to shout abuse at me because I had said in the police statement, "He looks about 60." He is apparently 55. He didn't come in to pay, he came in to swear at me. FML

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By machismo - United States

Today, in preparation for proposing to my girlfriend, I borrowed one of her rings, so I could discreetly get her ring size. Not only have I now lost the ring, which turns out to be a keepsake of her dead grandmother, I still don't know her ring size. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my best friend had 3 birthday parties for herself over the weekend. I wasn't invited to any of them. When I asked her why, she said I "didn't fit in" to any of the groups that were at the parties. All my other friends were invited. FML

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By Lilly_28 - United States

Today, I was home alone. I didn't expect anyone to be anywhere near home, so when I got out of the shower, I walked to the living room, naked, to get the tv remote for my room. Only to find the UPS guy standing at our glass front door. I screamed... so did he. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my one-year-old son threw up on the man sitting next to us on a plane. I felt bad and apologized profusely. When I tried to give him money for dry cleaning, he slapped me. FML

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By tamponmayhem - Canada

Today, my mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy pads. I suggested I get tampons instead, so that I can go swimming at my boyfriend's cottage. My mother then goes to the nearest store employee and asks, "excuse me, if my daughter uses a tampon, does that mean she is no longer a virgin?" FML

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Top comments

By ediciusNJ | 0

#797920 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:41

This reinforces my belief that children are not sweet, cute and good-smelling but instead nasty, disgusting-smelling carriers of filth.

By jpgray1982 | 0

#797887 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:26

haha poo face

COMMENTS

By jenni_1285 | 0

#797886 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:26

ewww

ecko_7672 | 0

#798764 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 1:39

YDI for not potty training her

rubzzz | 0

#977359 - Saturday 10 April 2010 18:18

yep, use a condom in the future :)

BeeBabyee420 | 0

#1253545 - Monday 16 August 2010 19:48

fuckin aye seriously.
2 years old and not potty trained....
you hella deserve it

By jpgray1982 | 0

#797887 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:26

haha poo face

By CallMeHush | 0

#797901 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:30

Poop Slap

By Tandrael | 0

#797902 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:31

punish her! or do something!

infiniti_G | 0

#797945 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:52

YOU SO HOT GURL

Groaty12 | 0

#4787514 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 14:11

Well, u can't be that harsh, shes just a child.

By iLIKEloling | 0

#797916 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:40

YUM

By anela_fml | 0

#797918 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:41

ahhhhhh wanna hurl just thinkin bout it

By ediciusNJ | 0

#797920 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:41

This reinforces my belief that children are not sweet, cute and good-smelling but instead nasty, disgusting-smelling carriers of filth.

namnams | 3

#797924 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:42

Don't you think this story is cute?

lifeislife_fml | 0

#798950 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 2:46

I hope #9 is a joke. D:

renaissancegrrl | 0

#799083 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 3:49

Agreed! =D

Boy_Flow | 0

#804224 - Thursday 28 January 2010 7:28

wow your a jackass #8....

stewie1744 | 0

#811912 - Sunday 31 January 2010 8:03

dumbass

kAhlie | 0

#964547 - Saturday 20 March 2010 0:03

I agree with #8

lindsaylu98 | 0

#2902822 - Saturday 16 July 2011 3:12

i guess u were one too werent u???

By mercedeslove | 0

#797928 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:44

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

missey_jey | 0

#798329 - Monday 25 January 2010 20:58

i hope this happens to you for saying that

stewie1744 | 0

#809000 - Saturday 30 January 2010 6:58

I gtg with 49 on this one

xlostwithoutu | 0

#852298 - Saturday 13 February 2010 17:36

Even though Missy_jey annoys the shit outta me I gotta agree with her...

By Twi_lover_EC | 6

#797939 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:48

Children will be children. And parents have to deal with that type of stuff. -Poop, pee, puke, ect..-Have fun!

By BurpusMe | 0

#797942 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:50

Welcome to mudderhood.