Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the...

By shitface - 25/1/2010 10:18 - Australia

Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the face. She had just pooped her nappy and put her hands down her pants to "feel it squish around." FML

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Kids

Rock, hard place

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Race against the clock

By Anonymous - 20/7/2012 02:11 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I had to very clearly explain to my mother, in public, why you cannot get cancer from eating too much ketchup. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2010 16:29 - United States

Today, I found out my parents are getting divorced. They're fighting over the dog instead of my sister and me. FML

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By Jjay08 - 26/4/2016 21:17 - United States - Miles City

Today, I discovered a purple BMX bike abandoned in my front yard. I wondered why it was there, until I looked over to discover that my own bike had be stolen. I guess they liked mine better. FML

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By Targeted - 9/11/2012 04:54 - United States - Kirkland

Today, just like every morning this month, I woke up, put on my clothes, looked out my window, and was pointed at by a man in a ninja outfit on my neighbor's roof. The police still can't find him. FML

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By - 4/9/2019 14:00 - New Zealand

Asshat

Today, my hours at work were slashed due to company wide cut backs. The only coworker unaffected was the asshat who stole my promotion after I'd trained them. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2010 09:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, when I needed the loo. The door was ajar, so I walked into his bathroom, sat down, and started to pee. I then looked up to see the shocked face of his dad sitting naked in the bath. FML

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By anonymous22kittylicklick - 20/8/2011 04:44 - United States

Today, I was at Target deciding what chap-stick to get when an old lady violently hit me with her umbrella and kept yelling at me saying, "You are too young for this! Think twice!" FML

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By Sara - 22/9/2020 07:54 - Canada

Don't feed the animals

Today, I had to clean up dirt from flipped-over flowerpot mess for the 100th time. Why? Because the neighbour won’t stop feeding the squirrels peanuts. FML

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By shakinmahbuttbutt - 12/1/2014 19:06 - United States

Today, it's been two weeks since my parents went crazy with their attempts to save on the water bill. Every time I want to take a shower, I have to ask them first. Let's just say I've had to resort to taking sponge baths in public bathrooms to keep my B.O. under control. FML

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By soupisyummy - 11/2/2012 19:20 - United States

Today, I looked over my next homework assignment for art class. It was to draw a portrait of my best friend. I can't think of anyone besides my mother. FML

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By beaverless - 2/5/2011 20:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend kindly broke the news to me that she doesn't want to take part in sexual activity anymore because it is getting too boring. FML

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By Noname - 28/1/2009 11:03 - United States

Today, I gathered the courage to participate in a class discussion. My professor laughed at me. FML

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By yayme. - 11/7/2013 22:26 - United States - Bismarck

Today, I found out that the weird guy that lives next door is my biological father. FML

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By stillhungry - 27/6/2015 18:37 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend called me while I was at work. He sounded very excited and told me he had a surprise for me. He doesn't usually do this kind of thing, so I was excited. When I came home, I found him naked, with "Bone Appetite" written right above his penis. FML

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By DUFF - 11/6/2015 21:04 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I found out I wasn't invited to my neighbor's funeral, with whom I had been good friends with for a long time. When I asked her husband why, he said, "We have a small amount of money and can't afford for you to eat all of the refreshments." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2013 18:42 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I woke up with a giant red rash all over my face, so puffed up that I could hardly open my eyes. The doctor said it was probably from some of the compounds found in most makeup. I'm just getting into theatre and have auditions coming up. FML

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By stachattack - 23/12/2017 15:00

Today, I reassured everyone at work that the mark on my lip was just a pimple, not a cold sore. It's actually neither. I, a 21-year-old young woman, slipped while shaving my moustache and sliced off part of my lip. FML

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By mylifesucks - 2/12/2009 01:32 - United States

Today, I found out that my 2 week Christmas vacation my boss was talking about wasn't for this year, but 2010. I spent the day with my husband cancelling flights to Florida, and explaning to my 8 year old why we were not going to Disney World. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2011 13:17 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day, and I have uncontrollable diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2012 18:58 - Canada

Today, it's Friday the 13th. I've never been superstitious, and I figured it would be a normal day, that is until my hot water heater exploded and rained water into my downstairs neighbour's apartment for two hours before anyone noticed. FML

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By MeanMother - 28/6/2012 20:29 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I realized just how much of a bitch I am when I grounded my son for not telling me what he got me for my birthday. FML

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By doodlecrzyMeg - 4/2/2016 18:56 - United States - Mattoon

Today, I had to hide in the closet all morning because my 22-year-old boyfriend didn't want to admit to his parents that he had his girlfriend stay the night. FML

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By 4themoneh - 5/4/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, I arrived twenty minutes early for my opening shift at work, so I decided to turn on the radio and wait in my nice warm car. I woke up two hours later with twelve missed calls from my boss and a dead car battery. FML

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By pukeytimes - 10/4/2015 23:03 - Australia - Leichhardt

Today, I decided to do a good bit of spring cleaning. When my apartment was finally spotless I went to lie down. I woke up later to find my drunk flatmate passed out in a puddle of her own puke on the living room's carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2013 07:52 - United States

Today, I tried to pick up a girl by asking her what the time was as a conversation starter. She responded by telling me it was time to pick a girl more in my league. FML

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By Sotired - 1/3/2019 17:00 - United States - Medford

Today, after working 12 shifts in the past 8 days at 2 jobs and thinking today was a day off, I got the call that I misread my schedule and I was in fact scheduled. Got off at 2:30 am, work again at 9 am with 9 shifts to go this week. FML

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By awkward - 27/2/2011 12:39 - Finland

Today, my mom got me a job working for the man she's cheating on my dad with. My dad doesn't know that she's cheating, and my mom doesn't know that I know. It's just awkward. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2016 03:01 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I just got my windshield fixed due to a rock hitting it off the highway. Just one hour later on my way home, a large stick flew off the back of a landscaping truck. My windshield is cracked again. FML.

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By facepalm - 5/6/2012 14:48 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I received my first negative feedback on my otherwise flawless eBay record. The woman who bought the item said it wasn't as delicious as she was expecting, so there must be something wrong with it. What was I selling? A new and unopened lipstick. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2015 15:44 - United States

Today, while I was pulling weeds, my dad thought it would be absolutely hilarious to yell "Hey, son!" then unload his gun at me when I turned around. After I'd screamed like a bitch and pissed myself, he broke down into hysterical laughter and said he'd loaded the gun with blanks. Fuck you, dad. FML

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By mayoshampoo - 1/9/2014 16:59 - Canada - Toronto

Today, someone, and I still can't figure out who, switched my shampoo with mayonnaise. FML

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By NeverDrinkingAgain - 9/12/2010 12:31 - Canada

Today, I learned that what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas. This includes my one night stand who turned up outside my front door with a suitcase in her hand. FML

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By fmjob - 17/8/2009 03:19 - United States

Today, I got a raise. A 10 cent raise. I have worked at my job for over 3 years. I now make 20 cents more an hour than people that have only worked there 3 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2020 22:02 - United States - Tyler

Fancy a pint?

Today, while I was relaxing outside drinking a beer after a long day, a moth decided to fly right into my ear canal. I instinctively threw my hand up to swat it out. With the same hand holding the beer. I soaked the side of my face and down my ear. At least I got the bug out. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I was playing hide and seek with a few friends. I hid in the bathroom, under the sink in a cabinet. I ended up having to sit there quiet as a mouse while my grandfather took an incredibly long and vile dump. I was too afraid to move. Let's just say he didn't rush it. FML

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By moneyman - 5/1/2020 20:00

But I'm a man

Today, I went on a date with a beautiful woman I had recently met. Great food, great conversation, and a great connection. That is, until she revealed that she is a lesbian. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2012 05:15 - United States

Today, I got mugged at Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. FML

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By ouch - 20/2/2010 00:37 - United States

Today, the roads were OK, so I cleaned the ice and snow off my car so I could go out. I rolled my window down a little bit while I was driving to clear the snow off the base of the window. A chunk of ice flew off my hood, in through the window, and hit my eye. I then hit a snowbank. FML

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By TheAce44 - 26/7/2015 04:38 - United States - Davison

Today, my friend told me that Otter Box phone cases protect the phone whether it's thrown or just dropped. I disagreed. He then threw his phone across the room into a cement wall to prove it. The phone's screen was completely shattered and now he thinks I owe him a new phone. FML

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By Curles - 17/8/2019 04:00 - Norway

Today, I found out the room I've been sleeping in has black fungus growing on the wall behind the bed. So, that's why I cough until it feels like my lungs are coming out in the morning. Mystery solved. FML

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Top comments

By ediciusNJ | 0

#797920 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:41

This reinforces my belief that children are not sweet, cute and good-smelling but instead nasty, disgusting-smelling carriers of filth.

By jpgray1982 | 0

#797887 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:26

haha poo face

COMMENTS

By jenni_1285 | 0

#797886 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:26

ewww

ecko_7672 | 0

#798764 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 1:39

YDI for not potty training her

rubzzz | 0

#977359 - Saturday 10 April 2010 18:18

yep, use a condom in the future :)

BeeBabyee420 | 0

#1253545 - Monday 16 August 2010 19:48

fuckin aye seriously.
2 years old and not potty trained....
you hella deserve it

By jpgray1982 | 0

#797887 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:26

haha poo face

By CallMeHush | 0

#797901 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:30

Poop Slap

By Tandrael | 0

#797902 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:31

punish her! or do something!

infiniti_G | 0

#797945 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:52

YOU SO HOT GURL

Groaty12 | 0

#4787514 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 14:11

Well, u can't be that harsh, shes just a child.

By iLIKEloling | 0

#797916 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:40

YUM

By anela_fml | 0

#797918 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:41

ahhhhhh wanna hurl just thinkin bout it

By ediciusNJ | 0

#797920 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:41

This reinforces my belief that children are not sweet, cute and good-smelling but instead nasty, disgusting-smelling carriers of filth.

namnams | 3

#797924 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:42

Don't you think this story is cute?

lifeislife_fml | 0

#798950 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 2:46

I hope #9 is a joke. D:

renaissancegrrl | 0

#799083 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 3:49

Agreed! =D

Boy_Flow | 0

#804224 - Thursday 28 January 2010 7:28

wow your a jackass #8....

stewie1744 | 0

#811912 - Sunday 31 January 2010 8:03

dumbass

kAhlie | 0

#964547 - Saturday 20 March 2010 0:03

I agree with #8

lindsaylu98 | 0

#2902822 - Saturday 16 July 2011 3:12

i guess u were one too werent u???

By mercedeslove | 0

#797928 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:44

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

missey_jey | 0

#798329 - Monday 25 January 2010 20:58

i hope this happens to you for saying that

stewie1744 | 0

#809000 - Saturday 30 January 2010 6:58

I gtg with 49 on this one

xlostwithoutu | 0

#852298 - Saturday 13 February 2010 17:36

Even though Missy_jey annoys the shit outta me I gotta agree with her...

By Twi_lover_EC | 6

#797939 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:48

Children will be children. And parents have to deal with that type of stuff. -Poop, pee, puke, ect..-Have fun!

By BurpusMe | 0

#797942 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:50

Welcome to mudderhood.