Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my daughter told me she would rather hang herself than hang out with me. All I did was remind her to go to bed at a reasonable time to get some sleep for an activity she likes doing. FML
Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML
Today, my daughter told me she wanted to divorce me. FML
Today, I found my 6 year-old daughter upstairs, lying on the floor with scissors. She was giving, "the carpet a haircut." FML
Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML
Today, I was trying to sleep when I saw a head looming from the darkness with no eyes and a mouth open like a silent scream. I just froze and pissed myself. It was my daughter wanting to cuddle with us. Alas, the bed was wet, so she got put back in her bed, while we had to share the sofa downstairs. FML
Today, my little sister was scared to sleep alone, so my parents made her sleep in bed with me. I barely slept, due to the utter terror of waking up to her chanting into my ear in a low whisper, "This is where you die, this is where you die..." FML
Today, for the fifth time in a row, I woke up screaming from a nightmare. My mother burst into my room, leaned in real close and said, "So help me God, if you do not stop fucking screaming, I will rip your arms off and beat you with them." I’m never sleeping again. FML
Today, I tried to comfort my daughter who'd been crying non-stop for hours. She thinks Chuck Norris is coming to kill her, and I can't convince her otherwise. FML
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Top comments
FellowYellow 10
At least your daughter isn't attempting to suck all the oxygen out of the room so you don't have any left XD But in all seriousness OP you should lock the doors before you sleep, sweet dreams!
onealmxwilson 18
How scary this is depends on the age of said daughter.
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Comments (112)
dreadbeat69 12
Clearly you have to kill her first.
LennyComa 39
At least you got a warning. So when it happens don't act all shocked
Emosafire 10
Omg that's horrible ROFL
DanielleinDC 33
The more I read FML the more I'm glad I never had children.
zsxwrsd 7
oh joy! All the stupid bitches are commenting
azyjazy713 11
I think u might need a follow-up convo on that one.
Omniprism 14
I'm instead of being afraid to sleep you need to ask her some serious questions to get to the root of the comment. If you don't your going to have some serious problems on your hands.
UnknownJoe 6
Don't worry you will be fine, but if she whispers 'Valar Morghulis' into your ears then you should fear for your life. In any case, you should keep a safety lock on all your knife drawers, chain-saws, etc.
OfficialJSmooth1 6
Did you sleep well OP? ....... OP???
leo812 11
hahaaa if i had a daughter and she said that id laugh hysterically and look her in the eyes and say "only mommy can reach the knives, you better sleep with your eyes open darling." haaaa