Kids: Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm... - FML

By Anonymous - 28/01/2014 21:57 - Bahrain - Manama

Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 708

You deserved it 5 756

Labour Day: Rest or Disaster?
Find out how a day off can turn into a series of hilarious, unexpected events. More…

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Same thing different taste

Teenagers, amirite?

By JustShootMe - 02/11/2020 07:57 - Australia - Gladstone

Today, my daughter told me she would rather hang herself than hang out with me. All I did was remind her to go to bed at a reasonable time to get some sleep for an activity she likes doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 086

You deserved it 123

By hair2daygone4ever - 14/01/2010 15:45 - United States

Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 602

You deserved it 4 765

By Nuts - 07/11/2015 02:55 - Canada - Grimsby

Today, my daughter told me she wanted to divorce me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 686

You deserved it 3 149

Home improvement

By ... - 27/07/2014 05:51 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found my 6 year-old daughter upstairs, lying on the floor with scissors. She was giving, "the carpet a haircut." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 301

You deserved it 5 379

By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 14:35 - Taiwan

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 462

You deserved it 4 542

By bTOhno - 13/08/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 053

You deserved it 4 731

By Anonymous - 06/06/2013 18:47 - Isle of Man - Douglas

Today, my little sister was scared to sleep alone, so my parents made her sleep in bed with me. I barely slept, due to the utter terror of waking up to her chanting into my ear in a low whisper, "This is where you die, this is where you die..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 360

You deserved it 3 877

Nightmare mother

By scared shirtless - 18/03/2021 20:01

Today, for the fifth time in a row, I woke up screaming from a nightmare. My mother burst into my room, leaned in real close and said, "So help me God, if you do not stop fucking screaming, I will rip your arms off and beat you with them." I’m never sleeping again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 133

You deserved it 221

By parenting sucks - 01/07/2011 17:42 - United States

Today, I tried to comfort my daughter who'd been crying non-stop for hours. She thinks Chuck Norris is coming to kill her, and I can't convince her otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 586

You deserved it 5 353

By gbabyy - 22/11/2009 03:25 - United States

Today, my daughter was playing outside. I was watching her from the window, and I saw her pick up a dead bird. I ran outside to grab her. As I picked her up and started scolding her, she tried to scratch my face. In the attempt, her hand went straight into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 744

You deserved it 6 889

Next

Top comments

FellowYellow 10

Wednesday 29 January 2014 2:11

At least your daughter isn't attempting to suck all the oxygen out of the room so you don't have any left XD But in all seriousness OP you should lock the doors before you sleep, sweet dreams!

onealmxwilson 18

Wednesday 29 January 2014 2:12

How scary this is depends on the age of said daughter.

Comments

dreadbeat69 12

Wednesday 29 January 2014 12:33

Clearly you have to kill her first.

LennyComa 39

Wednesday 29 January 2014 12:52

At least you got a warning. So when it happens don't act all shocked

Emosafire 10

Wednesday 29 January 2014 14:07

Omg that's horrible ROFL

DanielleinDC 33

Wednesday 29 January 2014 14:51

The more I read FML the more I'm glad I never had children.

zsxwrsd 7

Wednesday 29 January 2014 16:43

oh joy! All the stupid bitches are commenting

azyjazy713 11

Wednesday 29 January 2014 18:47

I think u might need a follow-up convo on that one.

Omniprism 14

Wednesday 29 January 2014 19:09

I'm instead of being afraid to sleep you need to ask her some serious questions to get to the root of the comment. If you don't your going to have some serious problems on your hands.

UnknownJoe 6

Wednesday 29 January 2014 19:49

Don't worry you will be fine, but if she whispers 'Valar Morghulis' into your ears then you should fear for your life. In any case, you should keep a safety lock on all your knife drawers, chain-saws, etc.

OfficialJSmooth1 6

Wednesday 29 January 2014 20:26

Did you sleep well OP? ....... OP???

leo812 11

Thursday 30 January 2014 1:07

hahaaa if i had a daughter and she said that id laugh hysterically and look her in the eyes and say "only mommy can reach the knives, you better sleep with your eyes open darling." haaaa

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The Top

Today, I told my husband to stop his friendship with our neighbor’s 17 year-old daughter. They claim they just play video games together, but lately he’s been uninterested in sex and barely shows me any affection. He vehemently said, “It’s not like we’re fucking or anything! Chill!” and stormed out of the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 684

You deserved it 131

Today, my roommate started packing up for when we move out in August. Thirty boxes later, I realized she's leaving me with only a dishtowel and a skillet while she traipses through Europe for the summer. She even packed the silverware. And the curtains. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 359

You deserved it 476

The Top

Today, I caught my fiancé picking his nose and eating it. I don’t want to break up over this but I just cannot for the life of me get that image out of my head. Every time he tries to kiss me, I visibly gag and turn my head away. He says I’m being unreasonable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 702

You deserved it 218

Today, my husband and I had our first prenatal appointment. My doctor told us we shouldn't have sex during the first trimester, "just to be safe". He has no evidence to back this, but now my husband is too scared to touch me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 330

You deserved it 1 635

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years told me that since I've proven my loyalty and faithfully stuck by his side, he has no reason to ever consider marrying me, because "It's not like you're going anywhere, honey." He seems not to understand why I am upset by this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 673

You deserved it 5 590

Today, I went to the UK for the first time, and had the most amazing time with my girlfriend, catching it all on tape. When I got back to South America, I realized someone had stolen my camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 943

You deserved it 2 677

Today, my boyfriend of two years, who is a fabulous guitarist and singer, told me he wrote me a song. I was so excited. Turns out it was a break up song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 885

You deserved it 4 200

Today, my fiancé and I moved into a new home a few houses away from our previous one. We were excited about not hearing our roommate's dog howling non-stop anymore. We can hear him from the new house. Very clearly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 944

You deserved it 1 940