By scared shirtless - 18/3/2021 20:01

Nightmare mother

Today, for the fifth time in a row, I woke up screaming from a nightmare. My mother burst into my room, leaned in real close and said, "So help me god, if you do not stop fucking screaming, I will rip your arms off and beat you with them." I’m never sleeping again. FML

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Sorry…

BO Central

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By Omydayz - United States - Fremont

Today, after telling a friend I was contemplating asking a girl to prom, my friend took my phone, told me to have some balls, and texted the girl asking her to prom. She said no, because I asked her over text instead of in person. She refuses to believe I didn't send the text. FML

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By Paulie89

Bullshit quack chiropractor on the loose!

Today, I told my family how my wrist has been hurting for almost a week. My aunt’s chiropractor boyfriend then decided he could help by suddenly pulling my hand as hard as he could. Not only did my wrist pop and cause me more pain, but my shoulder got dislocated. FML

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By Dear God Why

Today, I finally determined the source of the horrible smell that periodically invades my apartment: there's nothing wrong with the plumbing as I previously thought, I can just smell my neighbors pooping in their bathroom on the other side of the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me by finding orange panties in my closet. His excuse was "they're a Christmas gift." Thanks honey, I get panties that won't fit, and have little brown streaks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife threatened to end our relationship if I didn't skip work and stay at home. She's into astrology, and apparently when one of those money-grubbing frauds writes "betrayal will come from someone close to you", it's reason enough to suspect that I'll cheat on her. FML

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By junior - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend, thinking we were alone in the house. Her little brother found us having sex on the couch, took a pic and said, "You are now both my slaves." He ran upstairs and locked his bedroom door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was writing my rough draft of an essay, and I forgot how to spell a word. I waited for auto correct to help. I was writing on paper. FML

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By anyone - Lebanon

Today, while browsing facebook I found out that today was my school's class reunion. I was the ONLY one not invited. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, I went indoor rock climbing. After finally making it to the top, my pants ripped on my last move. I wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I punched the air enthusiastically after getting an impossible question right. Unfortunately, above me was an old fashioned mole trap, with 6 small spikes and 2 large ones. I now have 6 puncture wounds in my hand, and two in my shoulder, as it fell off the hook it was hanging on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for Christmas. He then told me that he would only tell me if I promised not to get mad, so I agreed. He told me that he wants me to start working out because I'm getting fat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, one of my 6 year old students who has had intense speech therapy since kindergarten, told me "I can tell you're hot, because you rolled your sleeves up." I was very pleased with his articulate sentence, until he said "Your arms are hairy." FML

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By Username

Today, I found out my boyfriend is only with me because he's in love with my sister, who turned him down repeatedly, and I'm the closest he can now get. FML

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By Salliemae - United States - Manchester

Today, my boyfriend took my car on a 3-day vacation, stranding me in our extremely rural town. I have a box of ziti, a jar of expired pickles, no cable or Netflix, and no water since the well ran dry. Why am I here? "Someone needs to stay with the dog and feed the cows." FML

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By yum. - United States

Today, I went out to eat with some friends. They picked a table that wasn't big enough for all of us. I had to sit in the booth behind them. Alone. FML

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By Hatemyjobbb

Today, my boss had me walk a mile to the nearest store to get food for a party because she didn't want to lose her parking space at work. Her shopping list had two gallons of juice and a 10lb bag of ice... I had my legs and arms. FML

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By carmelita - Singapore

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot about it and started digging my nose vigorously. He then beeped me and said "Digging for gold, dear? " FML

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By Connor - United States

Today, I spent the morning in the ER with a broken arm. My little brother was in such a rush to get his presents first, that he violently shoved me out of the way on the stairs. FML

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By notready - Australia

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend at a dinner with our two families. Not only did she flatly reject me, my dad said, "Good call. He's not ready." FML

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By rejected - United States

Today, I was talking to my guy friend about prom. I told him I was turned down by 7 guys. So he said "Well, you could always ask me." I then said "Do you want to go to prom with me?" His response was "Nope...now that's 8!" FML

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By ohhhjaymo13 - United States

Today, at work, I was told I was a failure. Feeling like crap, I went to my best friend to see if he could make me laugh. He told me that he felt obligated to hang out with me, so he thought that we shouldn't anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Taunton

Today, I worked such a long shift at Panera that when my boyfriend called later, I answered, "It's a fresh day at Panera Bread in [town], this is [name] speaking. How may I help you?" He thought it was hilarious. FML

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By imsorry - United States - Oakland

SORRY!

Today, I found out how whipped I am when, at the climax of sex, I moaned, "I'm sorry!" FML

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By no I've never asked for anal - United States - Buffalo

Today, after weeks of my girlfriend constantly mentioning pegging and asking me to let her do it, I caved and figured I might as well stand by my "try anything once" rule. Her response? Saying she knew I was gay all along and dumping me. The fuck? FML

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By Charon - United States

Today, I asked a girl I like to homecoming. I brought her to my house beforehand for dinner with my family. My brother asked her whether we were just friends or dating, she shouts "Just friends!" and then starts flirting with him with me in the room. FML

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By pixkalexi - United States - North Easton

Today, I have an upset stomach. Every other minute, it sounds like Chewbacca is screaming to get out. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Woodford Green

Hello, is me you're looking for?

Today, I moved into my new place. It evidently used to belong to a hooker, because although I've only lived here for 9 hours, so far several different men have knocked on my door and asked if "Stephanie" is available for a good time. FML

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By Andrew - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, I sent a message on Facebook to a girl I really like. She replied, "..." It took me three hours to realize she'd actually written it. I thought it was just Facebook telling me she was typing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife thinks I will agree to anything she says if she just pleasures me orally. I now found out, she is correct. FML

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By wookieewhosshe - United Kingdom - Sutton Coldfield

Today, my building's fire alarm went off. Unfortunately, this coincided with sexy time, and the loud alarm made me jumpy, making it extremely difficult to untie my naked boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2021 17:01

Well done!

Today, I got congratulations at work for being "so focused" and "not spending time on my phone." I didn't have the heart to tell my manager I don't spend time on my phone because I have no friends to talk to. FML

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By Meaghan - United States - North Myrtle Beach

Today, my maid of honor, who offered to take care of my wedding dress before the D-Day, left it near her open window during heavy rain. My dress is now ruined, and she's backed out due to stress. I'm supposed to be getting married tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 23:01

Right in the pecker

Today, my girlfriend and I got into a nasty fight. After a few hours, she wanted to give me a blowjob, so I thought we weren't mad at each other anymore. Turns out she was still mad because she bit my penis. FML

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By maxus - United States

Today, I was babysitting my nephew. He was watching the episode where Spongebob smashes his guitar while playing. I walk into the kitchen to make him a snack, and I hear a loud crash... My nephew smashing my brand new guitar to be like Spongebob. FML

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By TheRoad42 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, when I got back to my dorm, I found a trail of ants trying to shove a dead roach into a power outlet. The front desk insists that there is no pest problem. FML

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By Zyopy - Australia - Hampton

Today, I didn't secure my friend's wheelchair well enough to my car roof before giving him a ride. It flew off mid-drive and we still haven't found it. FML

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By thanks ma - 29/5/2020 02:00

Today, on Judge Judy…

Today, all of my credit cards were frozen due to fraud. The culprit? My own mother. She rationalized it by saying I "owed" her for raising me. She didn’t even raise me. My grandma did. FML

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By iamrose - United States

Today, as I was rehearsing a kissing scene for a play, I realized that before this play, the last guy I had kissed was the same one I was kissing now. It was also for a play. Four and a half years ago. FML

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By Stinky. - United States - Chicago

Today, my boyfriend was complaining about how we never see the movies he wants to see. So I took him to the movies, and he picked which one. Then he fell asleep. FML

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Top comments

By cuz803 | 39

#7979539 - Thursday 18 March 2021 20:04

YDI. Stop screaming, disturbing the peace wtf. Nah in all seriousness, maybe you need to open up cause it sounds like PTSD or some mental illness going on. Maybe therapy or medication can help.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7979596 - Friday 19 March 2021 1:41

She's exaggerating!

If she ripped your arms off, you'd be dead before she could beat you with them.

Glad I could help. Sweet dreams!

COMMENTS

By cuz803 | 39

#7979539 - Thursday 18 March 2021 20:04

YDI. Stop screaming, disturbing the peace wtf. Nah in all seriousness, maybe you need to open up cause it sounds like PTSD or some mental illness going on. Maybe therapy or medication can help.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7979596 - Friday 19 March 2021 1:41

She's exaggerating!

If she ripped your arms off, you'd be dead before she could beat you with them.

Glad I could help. Sweet dreams!

By Warp1978 | 12

#7979756 - Friday 19 March 2021 17:27

Do you live with the Dursleys?