Today, my mother woke me up by loudly vacuuming the house. I had to work the next morning, so I asked her what she was thinking. She told me that if I was really tired and needed sleep, I wouldn't have woken up. It was 3 AM. FML

**** my shit up

Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML

Today, I walked in on my daughter trying to blow-dry the sweat off her armpits instead of showering. FML

Pipe down!

Today, I woke up to the sound of my roommate vacuuming at 7 a.m. I was annoyed because I had stayed up late, but then I realized she was vacuuming in the kitchen… at 7 a.m. because the broom "wasn't powerful enough." I gave her the benefit of the doubt until she started vacuuming my bedroom floor while I was still in bed. FML

Today, I woke to my drunk mother trying to vacuum the lawn. FML

Today, my sister decided to wake me up by pumping handwash into my open mouth. FML

Twisted firestarter

Today, my daughter somehow got a hold of the lighter we keep on top of the fridge. I found this out when she snuck up behind me and thought it would be fun to set my hair on fire. FML

Proper job

Today, with words of encouragement from my mom, I vacuumed my room. After finishing and admiring my job well done, I went to put the vacuum away. It caught on the plug for my electric razor which was dangling below the dresser and yanked that and everything else that was on top of it off. FML

Zapped

Today, my mom decided to try her new taser on me while I was asleep on the couch. FML

Today, I woke up to the sound of scissors. My mom was cutting my hair while I was asleep. FML