Animals: Today, I was visiting my grandma who has a beagle named Max.... - FML

By lean_mean_meme_machine - United States - Tampa

Today, I was visiting my grandma who has a beagle named Max. He was so excited to see me, he jumped on my face and peed. FML

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Commando

Fire hydrant

Bigmouth Strikes Again

By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, when walking to my car I was mugged. Not only did they take my phone, wallet and watch, the extra few minutes taken in my journey meant that when I got to my car, I was given a parking ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brecksville

Today, I smelled chicken nuggets and asked my boyfriend if he was making some. He wasn't. It was my armpits. FML

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By eayers2689 - United States

Today, I went to a barbecue and noticed a girl that I had be interested in. When I walked up to ask how she was doing I noticed she had some BBQ sauce on her face. Jokingly I licked my thumb and reach to remove it. It turned out to be a scab from a pimple she had popped earlier. FML

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By blah - Canada

Today, my boyfriend gave me a card for my birthday and told me to open it 10 minutes after he'd gone; I waited for 5. In the card was written, "It's not working out, but here's $20." FML

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By verysadasian - United States

Today, my friends and I decided to compare dick sizes one by one. I was last and I was the smallest. I was also the only Asian amongst my friends. They now call me "the stereotype". FML

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By NotThatKind - United States

Today, I posted a status update on Facebook about how much I liked the Season Finale of NBC's "Heroes". My hand slipped to the right and it came out as "I really love Herpes. It's much better than everyone says it is". I didn't notice for few hours. FML

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By lexithepirate - United States

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I left with referrals to both a dermatologist and a mental health professional. FML

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By crzyry - Canada

Today, my four-year-old daughter called me by her mom's new boyfriend's name. Three different times. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom came home and told me she was going back to college. She's going to the community college that a lot of the graduates from my school go to. She has biology with my ex. They're lab partners and have to do take home labs together. FML

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By frustrated - Ireland

Today, my brother deleted all traces of the novel I've been working on for three years from my laptop. The reason? When I was born I "stole all of Mum and Dad's attention." He's 24. FML

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By Lana - Austria

Today, while sitting at my desk at work, a co-worker asked for my help. It was only after I had walked over to his desk, bent over, answered his question, and walked back to my stall, that I felt a breeze. My tube top had slid down across my breasts, revealing my bra to the entire office. FML

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By Beefy Man - United States - Lehi

Today, I spent eight hours cutting, curing, and aligning on the racks, six months worth of beef to be dried for some tasty jerky, only to find out my dehydrator is broken beyond repair, and would cost as much to fix as the soon-to-spoil meat that I bought. FML

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By AnAngryyGiraffe - United States - Chatsworth

Today, after dropping my phone in the toilet, I left it dismantled outside in my backyard to dry hoping it could be saved. I forgot about the phone as well as the sprinklers that were scheduled to go off. FML

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By kirrby - United States

Today, I tried to break up with my girlfriend because I feel unappreciated. She fell asleep while I was attempting this. FML

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By i love stupid people

Today, I went on a 50 km bike ride with a friend. We stopped for a break halfway through, and locked our bikes up. When we returned, some guy had locked his bike to mine. We had to wait an hour for him to return. FML

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By Yuuucky - Canada

Today, my boyfriend showed me a YouTube video of him popping a huge blackhead on his forehead. He told me he had been "growing" it for more than 2 years now. I have been caressing and kissing that thing for almost 2 years because I thought it was a beauty mark. FML

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By vegantreegirl

Today, I was using the restroom at work when my glasses slipped off my face and landed right in the toilet. FML

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By DrugDeal - Canada

Today, I was under a building overhang to avoid getting drenched by the rain while waiting for the bus. Apparently that corner is notorious for drug dealing, I found this out when a man angrily demanded his drugs and chased me half a block. FML

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By TheMike23 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went out with my mom to a restaurant. We were sitting down to eat, and a waitress walks over to our table and asks, "How are you ladies doing tonight?" It really was a nice thing to ask, for my mom. As for me, being a man, not so much. FML

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By DamnMyOvaries - United States - Groves

Today, I fainted in the lunch line at school due to extreme period cramps, and ended up having to get seven stitches on my face. This is the third time I've fainted because of my period this year. FML

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By _Oblivion_ - United States

Today, I fractured my finger setting up a rat trap. FML

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By fun in functioning, I suppose - United States - Starkville

Today, I texted my boyfriend a few dirty messages at lunch time and told him how badly I wanted him home. He texted back lecturing me on how I shouldn't be so drunk so early. I was totally sober, but now I need a drink. FML

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By Infadel - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was prepping for an interview after several months of unemployment. I had just finished brushing my teeth when I reached back and grabbed a towel behind me to wipe my face. Turns out it wasn't a towel, it was my newly dry-cleaned suit jacket that my wife had put there for me. FML

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By dumass - United States - Columbus

Today, the day before my wife and I leave for our 1 year anniversary trip, I realized my passport expires in 2014, not 2015. Instead of a week's stay at an all-inclusive resort in the Dominican Republic, we'll be spending three days in Louisville. Three angry days in Louisville. FML

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By Y_Y - United States

Today, I saw my grandma had registered on Facebook, so I wrote a welcome post on her wall. She replied "Delete." several times, then called me, accusing me of "hacking" her and demanding that I remove my name from her page at once. FML

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By BoohooBouquet

Today, my girlfriend got super paranoid when I received flowers, along with a card saying what a "lovely time" the sender had last weekend. My girlfriend decided this was proof I'd cheated on her. The card was signed "Vanessa," which is also her mother's name. Who stayed with us last weekend. FML

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By redneckfamily - United States - Roy

Today, I realized my family is the textbook definition of redneck after listening to my grandpa threaten to smash with an excavator the trailer that my uncle lives in behind our house if he didn't return the set of tires he had stolen and pawned from my grandpa's garage. FML

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By Jioune - France - Caluire

Today, I learned that my friends nicknamed me Snow White, not because I’ve got dark hair and very pale skin, but because I “only hook up with tiny dudes”. FML

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By DENTALITY - Norway

Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 02:00

Fresh air

Today, my parents actually kicked me into the back garden and made me sit outside for an hour so they could have sex without having to worry about me hearing them go at each other like a pair of 15-stone rabbits hopped up on Viagra. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I realised I spend more time and receive more satisfaction talking on the phone with Chinese take away than talking to my wife in person. FML

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By criley - United States - Los Angeles

Today, an attractive guy approached me and struck up a conversation. He was friendly and sweet, and gave me his number. As I walked away, my first thought was that someone had played a cruel joke on me. I've had such awful relationships that I can't recognize when someone is actually being sincere. FML

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By argfarblewarblearble - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was laying on the couch, listening to music. I guess my brother noticed that I was yawning a lot, because when I opened my mouth and yawned again, he dropped one of his rancid toenail clippings into my mouth, then broke into hysterical laughter at my freaking out. FML

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By Blondie - United States

Today, after a heated debate with my friend on whether blondes are naturally stupid, I convinced her that I'm actually quite intelligent, and poured myself a glass of juice in victory. After finishing the glass, instead of returning the bottle back to the refrigerator, I put it in the cupboard. FML

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By slitherasssnape - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, in science class, I was bored and playing with a paper towel, dipping it into a container of water. When my teacher caught me and asked what I was doing, I panicked and said I was 'drying the water'. FML

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By Hormones apparently - United States - Westerville

Today, I was so inexplicably horny that I had to shuffle awkwardly and use my bag to hide the wetness of my pants as I left work for the day. FML

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By wheel 4

Today, I went out with my best friend, his girlfriend, and a girl they've been wanting to introduce to me. I thought they wanted to set us up, but it turns out they're a throuple and wanted me to be the first to know. I think I'm the first fourth wheel in history. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my new wife and I got back from our honeymoon. Her parents had dropped our wedding gifts off at our apartment, but didn't lock the door. We came home to start off our new life together to a wrecked apartment and no gifts. FML

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By I need a new ballsack. - United Kingdom - Macclesfield

Today, I'm at that age where sitting down carries a 50/50 chance of turning my balls into scrambled eggs, a fact confirmed yet again today. Third time this week. I think it's time to switch to briefs. FML

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By veggiegal - United States

Today, I found a bone in my sandwich. It was a veggie burger. FML

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Top comments

By Dave_Davington | 33

#6721241 - Sunday 11 December 2016 2:33

Just think, if the dog weren't named Max, all of this could've been avoided.

By Tripartita | 44

#6721230 - Sunday 11 December 2016 2:01

"Today, I was visiting my grandma"

Ah, interesting. I wonder how the grandmother will fit into this…

"who has a beagle named Max. "

Huh, I wonder how the name will be relevant…

"… he jumped on my face and peed. FML"

Oh. That was useful info.

COMMENTS

By Frabens | 1

#6721220 - Sunday 11 December 2016 1:46

How did a dog get on your face again?

By RichardPencil | 29

#6721222 - Sunday 11 December 2016 1:50

Why was the dog's name important? It'd be funny if his name were FlowMax.

Reply

sweet_ivory | 0

#6721237 - Sunday 11 December 2016 2:17

MAXimum details

..I'm sorry

Reply

Devolution | 8

#6721242 - Sunday 11 December 2016 2:45

You should be

Reply

sweet_ivory | 0

#6721248 - Sunday 11 December 2016 3:02

forgive me for my sins FML comment section

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#6721258 - Sunday 11 December 2016 3:34

Grody to the...

Reply

RichardPencil | 29

#6721261 - Sunday 11 December 2016 3:35

I forgive you.

By Kattsu | 0

#6721229 - Sunday 11 December 2016 2:01

Claimed his territory

By Tripartita | 44

#6721230 - Sunday 11 December 2016 2:01

"Today, I was visiting my grandma"

Ah, interesting. I wonder how the grandmother will fit into this…

"who has a beagle named Max. "

Huh, I wonder how the name will be relevant…

"… he jumped on my face and peed. FML"

Oh. That was useful info.

Reply

bigbadbarley | 1

#6721359 - Sunday 11 December 2016 7:37

a young kid wrote it probably just chill..

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#6721362 - Sunday 11 December 2016 7:53

oh good point never thought of it like that im sorry i overreacted..

By MilkyPhoenix07 | 3

#6721235 - Sunday 11 December 2016 2:10

Max Excitedness, Max Pee.

By Dave_Davington | 33

#6721241 - Sunday 11 December 2016 2:33

Just think, if the dog weren't named Max, all of this could've been avoided.

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6721285 - Sunday 11 December 2016 4:27

Or if the dog was OP's grandpa's not grandma's.

By RichardPencil | 29

#6721244 - Sunday 11 December 2016 2:47

If Max were a Jack Russell Terrier, I'd believe he could jump on his face and pee.

But, a beagle? Only when Snoopy was on his flying doghouse has a beagle flown high enough to pee in someone's face.

By niallo | 23

#6721270 - Sunday 11 December 2016 3:54

A Golden Shower from a pet. Hummm. Normally this is on a mid-priced disk. FYL just for your reputation.

By loser_mgee | 2

#6721319 - Sunday 11 December 2016 5:42

If it makes you feel any better, my grandfathers dog jumped on me and puked, this caused my grandfather to yell at me for provoking him....

By jk_waks23 | 19

#6721331 - Sunday 11 December 2016 6:05

"I choose you", said the dog!