Animals: Today, I was visiting my grandma who has a beagle named Max.... - FML

By lean_mean_meme_machine - 10/12/2016 19:07 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was visiting my grandma who has a beagle named Max. He was so excited to see me, he jumped on my face and peed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 362

You deserved it 680

Dysfunctional

Backstabbing

No Future

By retainer - 22/07/2009 22:36 - United States

Today, at the dentist, the new, rather airy assistant went to prep me for an extraction. She began pulling on something in my mouth, and a moment later, I felt intense pain and then the wetness of blood. She was trying to pull out "that weird wire thing". In other words, my permanent retainer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 165

You deserved it 2 802

By farts - 22/11/2018 17:30

Today, my brother who routinely marred my life by stealing from me, fighting me, and isolating me from my own family, made his hollow AA apology to me so he'll feel better. My parents employ him, bought his car and house, and pay his insurance. I've been in poverty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 321

You deserved it 202

By PISSED OFF - 17/05/2015 13:09 - Australia

Today, I bought an expensive video game and decided to show it off and post a photo of it on Instagram. When I got home to play it, it rejected my activation key. I then realised it was showing in the Instagram post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 774

You deserved it 47 642

By h0308 - 08/09/2009 09:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I got to work feeling slightly unwell. A couple of hours later, an extremely attractive customer came to my till, at which point my body decided it would be a good idea to vomit last night's dinner all over myself and the customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 641

You deserved it 4 580

By crop circle galore - 06/09/2014 02:36 - United States

Today, I had to take bus to work, because yesterday my car was hit by a bus. While standing there, I noticed the driver kept looking back at me every now and then. As I went to get off, he looks at me again and says: "Sorry..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 656

You deserved it 3 201

By Flora - 17/04/2013 22:56 - United States - Watsonville

Today, I got ancestry DNA tests for my parents and myself. The DNA testing company informed me that I'm a 50% match for my mother but I share no DNA with my father. Apparently, both my parents forgot that they used a sperm donor. This insignificant detail has slipped their minds for 35 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 585

You deserved it 3 285

First!

By karma - 28/01/2009 18:36 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I almost had an orgasm. Unfortunately, he had one first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 066

You deserved it 7 444

By anonymous - 16/06/2012 13:57 - United States

Today, my sister called me and asked if my boyfriend of 3 years had proposed to me yet. And now the surprise is ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 483

You deserved it 3 039

By Anonymous - 24/07/2015 16:05 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I'm grieving over the death of my best friend of 9 years. My mom wasted no time arriving at the conclusion that I must be hormonal and pregnant with his child. Apparently it's not normal for a woman to cry so much over a man, unless they've been fucking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 943

You deserved it 1 942

By im_a_mocker - 28/01/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, I decided to make a toaster scramble. I thought it was bad enough when the pastry fell through the grate in the toaster over. Then it burst into flames. After 5 minutes of fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, it still went off. Now my entire dorm building is outside in a snowstorm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 249

You deserved it 5 868

By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 04:48 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, a one-eyed drunken homeless man followed me around the store I work at, screaming at me because I turned down his sexual advances. My managers and coworkers wouldn't kick him out because they thought it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 616

You deserved it 2 094

By youngboob - 21/10/2014 15:42 - United States - Topeka

Today, after my dad trying every bait, hormone, and poison, the cockroaches in this apartment have gone crazy. They are trying to kill themselves. One tried to commit suicide, by suffocation, in my mouth this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 146

You deserved it 3 671

By Mitch - 19/07/2012 17:36 - Puerto Rico - Bayamon

Today, while I was working my shift at the store, my girlfriend appeared and asked to talk to me. Once we were alone, she burst into tears and started sobbing. Turns out someone's dad died in her favorite TV show and she wanted some comfort. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 281

You deserved it 3 430

I've seen things…

By chantelle - 12/03/2021 21:01 - Australia - Sydney

Spicy

Today, I woke up early and went into the kitchen to get a Monster, and my dad was getting head from his girlfriend with no pants on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 238

You deserved it 187

By Moving On - 01/01/2011 06:59 - United States

Today, I found out my parents' New Year's resolution is to get me to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 533

You deserved it 9 498

Who the fuck are you?

By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 02:02

Today, I finally mustered up the courage to send a message to the girl I've been crushing on for years. I'm now blocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 012

You deserved it 174

By Anonymous - 15/07/2017 00:30 - Italy - Verona

Today, as I woke up, the first thing I saw was a bee on my hand. I tried not to make the slightest move, waiting for it to fly away without stinging me. The second thing I saw was my cat jumping at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 687

You deserved it 429

By cavallo31 - 28/06/2016 00:47 - United States

Today, I invited my friends to meet up at the park. After asking twice, I finally got the text saying to meet them there. But when I got there, I realized they had already been there for a while. As I was walking up to them, I heard, "Why did you invite him?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 895

You deserved it 864

Oddly specific

By RowerBud - 02/07/2021 02:01 - United States - Cleveland

Spicy

Today, I realized I masturbate too much when I got turned on by the smell of my shampoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 296

You deserved it 793

By PEGASISTER FOR LIIIIIIIIFFFFFEEEEE!!!!! - 08/06/2012 21:30 - Mexico

Today, I was running late and couldn't find my purse anywhere. My sleep-deprived brain came up with the brilliant idea of trying to phone it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 388

You deserved it 5 036

By Anonymous - 01/01/2013 07:50 - Australia - Sydney

Today, during the countdown to midnight, I looked for my girlfriend so I could kiss her as 2013 began. I found her just in time to see her making out with some guy she swore was "only a friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 883

You deserved it 3 585

By Mrs. Teacher - 18/09/2012 00:21 - United States - Suwanee

Today, I collected my students' notes in class to check them. One girl, who is always drawing weird anime crap in her sketchbook, turned in just one piece of paper that read, "FUCK YOUR CLASS." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 660

You deserved it 23 418

By Shobz - 26/10/2009 16:04 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I went home early from a business trip to find my house covered with rose petals. Thinking it was a romantic notion from my boyfriend, I went up to the bedroom. I opened the door to find him lying there, getting it on with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 464

You deserved it 2 726

By post-loss - 06/06/2017 18:00

Today, in my excitement to make some new cards for the postcard exchange I take part in, I apparently spilled my bottle of glue directly into the bag that contains my entire postcard collection. I didn't notice until several hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 600

You deserved it 573

By C0r1nn3 - 07/06/2012 04:02 - United States - Santa Clara

Spicy

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend in bed after a round of amazing sex. He decided it would be a great time to stick his finger up my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 698

You deserved it 5 039

By Anonymous - 29/09/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my girlfriend. The waitress came up and asked for her number, then asked if she had a significant other. I laughed as my girlfriend gave the waitress her number. They're going on a date, tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 732

You deserved it 7 130

Make it so

By AndTheStupidShallRule - 15/01/2022 23:02 - United States

Today, the person who signs off on my work asked me to change numbers on a federal report, saying my logic didn't make sense. They have a bachelor's degree in education. I have two graduate degrees in math and computer science. FML

I agree, your life sucks 698

You deserved it 75

Nature is so wonderful!

By Anonymous - 15/10/2019 18:03

Today, I was backpacking, and I was in a tent. It had rained all day and finally, I was dry. I settled down in my slightly damp sleeping bag. I woke up halfway through the night with a frog on my face and my feet in freezing cold water. Our tent had drifted into a frog pond. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 536

You deserved it 402

By Danny - 28/05/2012 18:02 - Ireland - Dublin

Spicy

Today, I realised that my body has its own masturbation cycle; while I was out shopping, I heard the intro music to my room-mate's favourite video game, and popped an uncontrollable boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 194

You deserved it 5 722

By soprahb - 19/10/2012 06:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's new favorite TV show is Law and Order SVU. Now after every episode she insists on asking me if I'm sure I wasn't molested as a kid. She's still on the first season. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 369

You deserved it 1 827

By jmrz - 07/03/2013 11:51 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I went to the store for a warranty claim on my prescription glasses due to little spots that had appeared on the lenses, covering both. It took 2 seconds for the employee to determine that it was hairspray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 531

You deserved it 43 669

Scared shitless

By Anonymous - 26/06/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, I stayed after hours studying in the medical library. I was the only one left, and as I was leaving through the glass doors, I saw a person's reflection behind me. I screamed, jumped, fell into the doors, smashing my head. I'd actually seen the reflection of a medical demonstration dummy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 919

You deserved it 11 966

By Username - 14/04/2011 06:59

Today, my boyfriend punched a hole in a door. This is on top of the broken handle, cracked sink top, dented fridge, and other holes in the wall he has also made. We are 4 months into our year lease. I don't think we are getting our $720 deposit back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 610

You deserved it 18 828

Priorities

By elly - 08/04/2021 14:00

Today, I broke my toe and screamed, "Fuck!" My mom heard and yelled at me for swearing, while I laid on the floor in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 713

You deserved it 145

By komp6390 - 28/02/2010 13:16 - United States

Today, my roommate and I got charged $100 for having a cat in our apartment. I was only babysitting the cat so my neighbors wouldn't get caught and fined. We got caught because my roommate reported the people downstairs for having a dog, so they reported that someone else in the building had a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 153

You deserved it 29 883

By anonymous - 15/01/2012 05:58 - United States

Today, my crush grabbed my butt while I was walking up the stairs. In surprise I farted. He won't even look me in the eyes now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 458

You deserved it 7 641

By Fag_Hag - 06/02/2009 01:30 - United States

Today, while my 4 year old nephew was hugging me, he stepped back and declared, "Auntie, my Pee-do is hard, but it will go away." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 301

You deserved it 3 295

By montanadinosaur - 26/04/2015 04:05 - United States - Tampa

Spicy

Today, I was watching porn, and ended up bawling because the girl in the video looked like my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 093

You deserved it 10 729

By iltdtsm - 15/08/2009 16:58 - Canada

Today, while showering I slipped and fell, taking down the shower curtain and smashing my head against the floor, resulting in a concussion. My family came running because of the noise and I lay naked, bleeding and concussed for few minutes before they could stop laughing enough to get me help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 161

You deserved it 3 235

By Anonymous - 10/05/2014 17:56 - United States

Today, I was looking at some cellphones with my dad, when an assistant asked if we needed help. My dad said, "Yeah, does this have parental controls? My son watches some freaky stuff, some damn freaky stuff." I don't watch anything weird, but thanks for humiliating me, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 453

You deserved it 4 542

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Top comments

Dave_Davington 33

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Sunday 11 December 2016 2:33

Just think, if the dog weren't named Max, all of this could've been avoided.

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Sunday 11 December 2016 2:01

"Today, I was visiting my grandma" Ah, interesting. I wonder how the grandmother will fit into this… "who has a beagle named Max. " Huh, I wonder how the name will be relevant… "… he jumped on my face and peed. FML" Oh. That was useful info.

Comments

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Sunday 11 December 2016 1:46

How did a dog get on your face again?

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 11 December 2016 1:50

Why was the dog's name important? It'd be funny if his name were FlowMax.

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Sunday 11 December 2016 2:17

MAXimum details ..I'm sorry

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Sunday 11 December 2016 2:45

You should be

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Sunday 11 December 2016 3:02

forgive me for my sins FML comment section

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Sunday 11 December 2016 3:34

Grody to the...

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 11 December 2016 3:35

I forgive you.

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Sunday 11 December 2016 2:01

Claimed his territory

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Sunday 11 December 2016 2:01

"Today, I was visiting my grandma" Ah, interesting. I wonder how the grandmother will fit into this… "who has a beagle named Max. " Huh, I wonder how the name will be relevant… "… he jumped on my face and peed. FML" Oh. That was useful info.

Send a private message

Sunday 11 December 2016 7:37

a young kid wrote it probably just chill..

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Sunday 11 December 2016 7:53

oh good point never thought of it like that im sorry i overreacted..

MilkyPhoenix07 3

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Sunday 11 December 2016 2:10

Max Excitedness, Max Pee.

Dave_Davington 33

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Sunday 11 December 2016 2:33

Just think, if the dog weren't named Max, all of this could've been avoided.

Lalala579121 27

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Sunday 11 December 2016 4:27

Or if the dog was OP's grandpa's not grandma's.

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 11 December 2016 2:47

If Max were a Jack Russell Terrier, I'd believe he could jump on his face and pee. But, a beagle? Only when Snoopy was on his flying doghouse has a beagle flown high enough to pee in someone's face.

niallo 23

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Sunday 11 December 2016 3:54

A Golden Shower from a pet. Hummm. Normally this is on a mid-priced disk. FYL just for your reputation.

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Sunday 11 December 2016 5:42

If it makes you feel any better, my grandfathers dog jumped on me and puked, this caused my grandfather to yell at me for provoking him....

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Sunday 11 December 2016 6:05

"I choose you", said the dog!

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 7

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 322

You deserved it 869

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 1 076