Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding...

By dadyoureacunt - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding me for a week. Not because he heard me cursing at my video game, but because I "swear like a little girl" and it embarrassed him in front of his friends. FML

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Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

Phone call anxiety

Social distancing gone wrong

By CALIdime_15 - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend have a full on conversation with his penis. He also talks to his penis nicer than he talks to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ontario

Today, I found myself admiring my eyelids for being the only parts of my face not covered in acne. FML

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By furred - Philippines

Today, I was playing an online game in nothing but my boxers, when suddenly a girl joined my team. I immediately felt embarrassed and put some pants on. There were no webcams involved. I need to get out more. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom - Stafford

Today, my ex-fiancée's new boyfriend phoned me to ask what her ring size is. FML

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By guess I'm stuck - United States - Alamo

Today, I was about to break up with my psycho girlfriend. As I sat her down, she told me she wanted to show me something. She then took off her shirt to reveal my name tattooed across her chest. FML

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By disappointment

Today, my mom walked out on me, abandoning her 16-year-old and taking $100 and a dog, all because I refused to wear women's panties. I would have been perfectly fine wearing them if I weren't a man. FML

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By lamed - United States

Today, I stopped by the gun store to pick up a new concealed weapon for protection. As I was leaving the store, a man came up behind me, hit me with a crowbar, and stole my gun. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Madison

Today, after countless nights spent together and flirty texts, I decided ask my crush on a date while at a party. We went on a walk and held hands. Just as I asked him, he said no, let go of my hand and briskly walked away. He was my ride home. FML

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By pablito - France - Bron

Today, I'm 25 years old, I've got an education and I only now found out in front of 15 people that, no, sparrows are not small pigeons that are going to grow up. FML

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By kitkat1603 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend thought he gave me unimaginable pleasure. I didn't have the heart to tell him I had cramp in both my legs at the same time. FML

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By Anonymous - Croatia - Rijeka

Today, I have a tooth infection that's spread to my jaw and ear. It hurts so badly that I'm practically in tears. Today's also the day I found out I'm allergic to the medication I was prescribed. Everything hurts, I'm covered in hives, and I can't stop throwing up. FML

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By Dom - South Africa - Kwa-zulu

Today, my apartment has been echoing all day with the wails of my cat, Butters. He's yet again managed to trap himself in the umbrella stand. In the past, he has eventually gotten himself out, but this time I think I might have to use a hacksaw. FML

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By dork - United States

Today, I was at dinner with my boyfriend and his family. We were talking about relationships, and I commented on how online dating was the dumbest thing ever. His mom and step-dad went on to tell me how they had met through an online dating service. FML

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By thiswouldhappen. - United States

Today, my dad gave me a promise ring on my one year anniversary with my boyfriend and made me swear I would wait til marriage. Four hours later he walked in on us having sex in my bedroom. FML

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By Katie - United States

Today, my best friend told me about a vicious rumor that's going around, saying I contracted a horrible STD. I asked her if she told everyone it was a lie. She said no, because the rumor is apparently "way too funny to ruin." Maybe it's time for new friends. FML

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By sarah6786 - United States - Schenectady

Today, my husband asked me to show him my boob. I began to pull the side of my shirt down when he said, "No, not that one, the big one." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olney

Today, my car got towed. My money is in my car and they won't let me open my car to get money until my car is "released". FML

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By Xia - United States

Today, I spilled a half bottle of superglue on my hands. I also found out that cold water only makes it harden faster. FML

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By anna - United States - Hattiesburg

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old son to the hospital. He'd gone out dressed as some My Little Pony character and encountered someone who'd had the same idea. They then got into a fistfight, and my son got the shit beaten out of him. I wish I'd never bred. FML

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By love you too honey boo - 13/1/2020 05:00

Dirty room

Today, I sent a scantily clad pic to my boyfriend, to which he responded "Nice, but please clean your room". FML

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By HR - United States

Today, I had two of my wisdom teeth removed. One side of my face is completely swollen, and the other is normal. I feel like the elephant man. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, My mom walked in on me and my 2 year crush about to have sex. When she saw us she said "oh I'll just wait outside, I know it wont be long anyway." FML

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By Joe - Cambodia

Today, whilst celebrating my birthday with my friends and family, I met a girl at the bar who seemed interested. She became very disinterested and left after my mother whispered in her ear "If you go home with my son make sure he wears a condom." FML

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By Remy - United States - Portland

Today, I was offered a job that pays far more than I expected, being a high school senior. My parents decided they aren't letting me take the job, saying I should enjoy my childhood. They're also not paying for my college, which is why I was looking for work in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed that my facial hair had grown by an acceptable amount. I spoke to my Dad and decided to show him, thinking he would approve of my manliness. His exact words when I showed him were, "Nah, son. You just look like a lesbian." FML

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By awesome - United States

Today, my Christmas tree was finally shipped. FML

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By MJjunior - Australia

Today, I started my first day working at a toddler day care center. At one point I decided to play "got your nose" with one of the kids. It turns out this kid has a physical birth abnormality on his face. I got his nose... his prosthetic nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding my bike and swerved to avoid hitting a lizard. I ended up sliding into a bush and skinning myself, only to find my tires had still managed to cut the lizard to pieces. FML

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By leena - United States - Encinitas

Today, my two best friends that I've known since middle school broke up. I'm glad I'm no longer a third wheel but now they won't talk to each other and both use me to complain about the other. FML

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By badmom - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I did such a bad job explaining the recent change from daylight savings time, that my 5-year-old son is now convinced that we're time travellers. FML

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By Anonymous - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I took my girlfriend to eat out at a restaurant. We chatted for an hour, and it all seemed to be going well, until she told me that she wanted to break up. Waiting for the bill and driving her home was the most painful time of my life. FML

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By Backed up - United States

I need a suppository

Today, I had the privilege of looking into my husband's eyes and uttering one of the sexiest phrases in the English language: "I need a suppository." FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Koblenz

Today, after an argument with my wife, I stormed out of our bedroom through the sliding doors to the balcony. Only there was no balcony, because it still hasn't been replaced yet. I'm now laid-up in hospital. FML

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By lalala - United Kingdom

Today, I started undressing in front of my boyfriend. He politely said, "Excuse me, please" because I was blocking the T.V. FML

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By Jess - United States

Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML

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By ugly - Australia

Today, I was telling my best friend that I was feeling unattractive, and that I never get asked out. As she was trying to make me feel better, we were interrupted by a stranger trying to hit on her. FML

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By slightlyslow - United States

Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year old, I realized why the kangaroo's name is Kanga, and why her son's name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn't until today. I'm 47. FML

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By wtffireworks! - United States

Today, at work, there was a police officer waiting for me. Bewildered, I asked what the problem was. Someone had shot fireworks at cars in the parking lot and I was a suspect. Why? Ponytails on men apparently look suspicious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML

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By fireman - United States

Today, I went over to this girl's house that I really like. I was planning on cooking her dinner. In the process, the grease in the pan got too hot and caught fire. We ended up having to call the fire department. FML

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Top comments

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5683895 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:43

Gosh. Dang it, OP. What the heck were you thinking? You must have sounded like an effin ice hole. Son of a mother trucker.

By jondillboy | 17

#5683893 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:43

Interesting reason for being grounded.

COMMENTS

By jondillboy | 17

#5683893 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:43

Interesting reason for being grounded.

9echo | 17

#5683970 - Sunday 22 September 2013 3:07

Some people should NOT be parents.

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5683974 - Sunday 22 September 2013 3:09

Or wearing sweater vests

steffi90 | 13

#5683990 - Sunday 22 September 2013 3:15

time to man up.

ositoakaluis | 16

#5684025 - Sunday 22 September 2013 3:42

sorry OP but I agree with your father

thrifting | 18

#5684047 - Sunday 22 September 2013 4:02

The best time to wear a striped sweater, is all the time. One with a collar - turtle neck! That's the kind.

CanadiAnM8 | 24

#5684210 - Sunday 22 September 2013 6:46

Anyone else like OP's name.

GEBEH | 14

#5684418 - Sunday 22 September 2013 11:52

Grounding a gamer - heaven on earth for one week without the restriction of knowing you could be doing other more important things in life!

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5683895 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:43

Gosh. Dang it, OP. What the heck were you thinking? You must have sounded like an effin ice hole. Son of a mother trucker.

Enslaved | 36

#5684003 - Sunday 22 September 2013 3:25

Johnny Dangerously? :P

sadistmonkey | 19

#5684005 - Sunday 22 September 2013 3:26

Shut the front door!

DanielleinDC | 32

#5684095 - Sunday 22 September 2013 4:36

No, that would be a farging icehole!

Cory123125 | 3

#5684171 - Sunday 22 September 2013 5:46

Man that's Nuckin futs!

IloveToLaugh143 | 21

#5684192 - Sunday 22 September 2013 6:06

I know right?! That is so fudgin' ridiculous. Then this son of a female dog, decides to ground me? Well cluck you too!!

alex_gen | 38

#5684251 - Sunday 22 September 2013 7:44

Shut the front door!

xivoricbutterfly | 25

#5961279 - Saturday 31 May 2014 7:23

Shut the full cup!

By rockne93 | 17

#5683915 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:47

I guess the only thing you can do is swear like a sailor?

FrankHotpants | 30

#5684576 - Sunday 22 September 2013 16:48

..And what the fuck is that suppose to mean?!

By football98_fml | 20

#5683919 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:47

get one of those voice-changing microphones...

9echo | 17

#5684839 - Sunday 22 September 2013 20:14

...because you sound more manly when you cuss like a little girl with a deep voice...

Cbnotme | 20

#6616795 - Saturday 28 May 2016 14:41

And the voice changing microphone would only make the other people he's gaming with hear his voice differently, not his dad and his dad's friends who are over.