Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding...

By dadyoureacunt - 21/9/2013 13:10 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding me for a week. Not because he heard me cursing at my video game, but because I "swear like a little girl" and it embarrassed him in front of his friends. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Season finale

Rock, hard place

By sadlife - 6/1/2011 03:35

Today, I changed my Facebook relationship status to "In a relationship". The girl is made up and the picture is from Google. FML

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By damaged - 4/11/2015 03:24 - United States - La Verne

Today, I drove in heavy rain for the first time, by myself. I had been told to drive below the speed limit, and be extra careful of the cars around me. Nobody had told me about thunder scaring a cow that would then escape from the corral and hit my car. FML

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By lowly worker - 8/4/2017 18:00

Today, I nearly lost a hand at work, because a supervisor decided to remove a 'useless' safety guard on a machine despite my warnings. He doesn't understand why I'm so upset with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2016 03:14

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I was learning how to start having lucid dreams. She was convinced the only reason I could possibly want to have them was so I could cheat on her in my own dreams. FML

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By NCanalyst - 11/11/2009 20:28 - Norway

Today, I interviewed potential employees for a job position that I was supposed to get promoted to. FML

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By ohtheirony - 22/9/2014 01:27

Today, the man who hit on me in a store and asked for my number showed up on my doorstep to inquire about my couch for sale. With his wife. FML

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By tired of my job - 29/10/2015 08:33 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I was at work, stocking shelves. A customer got mad because I was in the way of her "shopping time" and knocked down all the work I had done. FML

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By anonymous - 1/2/2009 10:53 - United States

Today, I slept with this new guy for the first time. After sex, he said the doggie style position was fun, it made him wonder what it would be like to rape a girl. FML

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By deee21 - 24/9/2011 08:23 - Australia

Today, while resting in bed, I felt a slight tickle on my neck. Thinking it was a cockroach, I panicked and flung it across the bedroom. Turns out it was my brand new necklace, which is now broken into dozens of pieces. FML

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By Patrick - 23/2/2010 01:29 - United States

Today, I was working at Publix ringing up some 70 year old woman. She says "Man, you're a fast cashier, I like my men fast!" and then gives me a wink. I got really nervous and didn't know how to respond, so not thinking, I quickly said, "Yeah, me too." FML

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By Bailey - 22/8/2010 06:58 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom with my 4 year old daughter. I took her in the stall with me, and as I was using the restroom she looked down and loudly asked, "Mommy! Why do you have a beard on your peepee?!!" Then I heard everybody in the stalls next to us laughing. FML

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By cane - 5/3/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2013 07:12 - United States - Bliss

Today, I had a half-hour conversation with my parents about going to college. I don't know what's worse, that they were trying to talk me out of it or that they're convinced that I'm going to get knocked up and drop out by the end of my freshman year. FML

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By badbirthday - 16/3/2009 20:51 - Canada

Today, is my 16th birthday. Thinking that my parents would be out of town for it like they had every other year, I decided it would be fun to tan nude in my backyard. Apparantly my parents set up a surprise party for my sweet 16. I was standing naked infront of half my school. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 16:00

Venus in Furs

Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 12:00

The Crying Game

Today, I noticed that my weekend hobby is crying. I live in a city where I don't have a single friend or relative. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, I was on a bike ride when a bug flew into my eye. Not wanting to stop, I figured I would just keep that eye closed until I could cry it out. Five seconds later, a bug flew into my other eye. FML

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By MushyKetchup - 14/8/2015 07:01 - United States - Amarillo

Today, a tarantula joined my stuffed animal collection in its drawer. It, unfortunately, wasn't stuffed. FML

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By annoyed - 24/9/2017 01:30

Today, I received an email from my insurance company about a claim that happened over a month ago when I hit someone from behind. I was very apologetic and stated it was my fault, and now they're trying to claim replacement vehicle costs. I was going under 10mph and their car only had a scratch. FML

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By I didn't though - 10/9/2015 04:07 - United States

Today, I arrived at a camp and met one of my roommates. At bedtime, I had energy still, so I did push-ups. The guy was asleep or so I thought because he was facing the wall. The guy thought I was jacking off and told everyone I did it in the middle of our room. FML

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By jkmartinjk - 28/11/2012 04:58 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, on an important call with a potential employer, he began to speak quieter and quieter until I couldn't hear him at all. When I finally hung up after waiting for 5 minutes, I realized that I had been pressing down on the volume button. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2014 02:39 - United States - Baraboo

Today, my loving fiancé informed me that my new perfume makes me smell like a urinal cake. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 21:42 - Canada

Today, I was rushed to the hospital to deliver my child. On the way, I called my husband who was in a bar with his friends. Drunk, he just yelled, "BROS BEFORE HOS!!" and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 07:11 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I had a dream about marrying Hitler. I've had this same dream three times now. My subconscious is starting to scare me. FML

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By Dumped - 18/2/2010 08:58 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend got drunk and cheated on me. After I tried to talk to her about it, she dumped me. Not because she didn't like me anymore or that she liked the other guy, but because she felt "too guilty" and "wouldn't be able to look me in the eyes anymore." FML

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By perfectman - 12/6/2012 10:34 - Australia - Sydney

Today, it was my first time meeting my fiancé's parents. My future mother-in-law had cooked steak, hearing it was my favourite food. I somehow managed to bite my tongue, and then blurt out "F*ck!" just after she asked me how it was. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2015 05:34

Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5 minutes went badly, but I don't know if it got any better afterwards, because a drunk audience member climbed up on stage and knocked me out. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2013 23:19 - United Kingdom - Falkirk

Today, my 10-year-old son told my 5-year-old daughter that we're a ghost family, and told her to run through our glass door to see for herself. She believed it, ran straight into the door, and ended up having to be taken to hospital. FML

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By pigeons_suck - 11/5/2011 21:17 - United States

Today, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus. More specifically, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus from being hit in the face by a pigeon that was deflected from the windscreen of a van moving at about 35mph. FML

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By wow kid just leave me alone - 15/9/2012 00:03 - United States

Today, after math class, the resident creepy kid approached me and asked me out. I've only spoken to him twice before, so I was creeped out, and I politely declined. He totally lost it, and shouted that I'm a "friend-zoning bitch" before storming out of the room. FML

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By constipated - 3/6/2017 02:00

Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2012 19:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to be treated for chemical burns, because my mother got the bright idea of using paint thinner to clean me up after I'd painted our living room. FML

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By still together - 28/8/2013 17:47 - United States - Keansburg

Today, my sister announced that she and her boyfriend are getting married. Her boyfriend is my husband. We're not even legally divorced yet. FML

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By epipen life - 10/3/2019 16:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my boyfriend’s mom fed me a new dish containing peanuts, knowing full well I’m severely allergic. According to her, her ancestors “cured” allergies by exposing the person to the allergen. I went into anaphylactic shock. FML

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By ouch - 2/3/2014 08:44 - United States - Sioux City

Today, I found out that my lover and boyfriend of over 5 years has me listed in his contacts as "Vagina". FML

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By okaythen - 2/3/2016 23:50 - United States - Arcata

Today, I got written up by HR after my new coworker told them I had an ignorant, offensive caricature of Native American people decorating my desk. It was a framed photograph of an actual Native American tribe that belonged to my history buff grandfather. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told my roommate about a trick he had used by filling nail holes with toothpaste when he moved out. When I came home with putty to fill the holes, there were blue spots all over the walls. She had filled them with blue gel toothpaste. Now I get to repaint, too. FML

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By ouchh - 11/9/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

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By ForeSight - 14/8/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend wanted to play a game call "bondage bingo," taking turns tying each other up in different positions, and if we can’t escape, we get to take a picture. Whoever gets the most pictures wins. After tying me to a chair, she ended up leaving me there for hours. FML

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By KeepOnTruckin' - 7/5/2020 05:00

OK doomer

Today, it's been 3 weeks since I, a 17-year-old, have been working 50 hours a week at a grocery store trying to keep our shelves stocked during coronavirus panic-buying. It was also the day a customer informed me that, "All you teenagers are lazy and that's why the shelves are empty." FML

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Top comments

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5683895 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:43

Gosh. Dang it, OP. What the heck were you thinking? You must have sounded like an effin ice hole. Son of a mother trucker.

By jondillboy | 17

#5683893 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:43

Interesting reason for being grounded.

COMMENTS

By jondillboy | 17

#5683893 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:43

Interesting reason for being grounded.

9echo | 17

#5683970 - Sunday 22 September 2013 3:07

Some people should NOT be parents.

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5683974 - Sunday 22 September 2013 3:09

Or wearing sweater vests

steffi90 | 13

#5683990 - Sunday 22 September 2013 3:15

time to man up.

ositoakaluis | 16

#5684025 - Sunday 22 September 2013 3:42

sorry OP but I agree with your father

thrifting | 18

#5684047 - Sunday 22 September 2013 4:02

The best time to wear a striped sweater, is all the time. One with a collar - turtle neck! That's the kind.

CanadiAnM8 | 24

#5684210 - Sunday 22 September 2013 6:46

Anyone else like OP's name.

GEBEH | 14

#5684418 - Sunday 22 September 2013 11:52

Grounding a gamer - heaven on earth for one week without the restriction of knowing you could be doing other more important things in life!

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5683895 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:43

Gosh. Dang it, OP. What the heck were you thinking? You must have sounded like an effin ice hole. Son of a mother trucker.

Enslaved | 36

#5684003 - Sunday 22 September 2013 3:25

Johnny Dangerously? :P

sadistmonkey | 19

#5684005 - Sunday 22 September 2013 3:26

Shut the front door!

DanielleinDC | 32

#5684095 - Sunday 22 September 2013 4:36

No, that would be a farging icehole!

Cory123125 | 3

#5684171 - Sunday 22 September 2013 5:46

Man that's Nuckin futs!

IloveToLaugh143 | 21

#5684192 - Sunday 22 September 2013 6:06

I know right?! That is so fudgin' ridiculous. Then this son of a female dog, decides to ground me? Well cluck you too!!

alex_gen | 38

#5684251 - Sunday 22 September 2013 7:44

Shut the front door!

xivoricbutterfly | 25

#5961279 - Saturday 31 May 2014 7:23

Shut the full cup!

By rockne93 | 17

#5683915 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:47

I guess the only thing you can do is swear like a sailor?

FrankHotpants | 30

#5684576 - Sunday 22 September 2013 16:48

..And what the fuck is that suppose to mean?!

By football98_fml | 20

#5683919 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:47

get one of those voice-changing microphones...

9echo | 17

#5684839 - Sunday 22 September 2013 20:14

...because you sound more manly when you cuss like a little girl with a deep voice...

Cbnotme | 20

#6616795 - Saturday 28 May 2016 14:41

And the voice changing microphone would only make the other people he's gaming with hear his voice differently, not his dad and his dad's friends who are over.