Miscellaneous: Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding...

By dadyoureacunt - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding me for a week. Not because he heard me cursing at my video game, but because I "swear like a little girl" and it embarrassed him in front of his friends. FML

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Miscellaneous

Vultures

Emergency haircut

Leave me alone

By Anonymous

Today, my seemingly innocent younger brother showed our family a video of what he was doing last night when he skipped New Student Orientation. He's been in college all of 48 hours and he's already joined a fight club. FML

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By Anon

Epic Boss Battle

Today, hoping to seal the deal on a promotion, I had my boss over for dinner. My dad, who lives with me, started ranting about homosexuals burning in hell. My boss’s daughter is a lesbian. Now my dad’s nose is broken and I fear for my job. FML

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By Anonymous

Not so special

Today, the guy I've been dating and sleeping with told me he is also dating another woman, but that they only kiss. I was under the impression we were exclusive for two months now, since I told him if we slept together that it would be. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my husband and I got into a fight because I refused to let him use my finger nail to clean the plaque off his teeth. FML

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By RP Havens - United States - Galloway

Today, my grandmother called me to tell me that there will be a nice, single guy for me to meet at the family reunion. She went on and on about how perfect he was for me. I didn't have the heart to tell her I'm a lesbian, and have been out to the rest of the family for over six years. FML

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By claudio117 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, during an Easter egg hunt, I found divorce papers. FML

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By NickC - Malaysia

Today, after burning all my past-papers, books and notes in celebration of finishing maths forever, I found out I have to re-take my maths exam to get the minimum grade for college. FML

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By NoMoreMeatForAYear - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out that just because my roommate doesn't buy alcohol, it doesn't mean she isn't stealing mine and slowly replacing it with water. That bottle cost me $150 and was destined to be a present for my best friend, whom I haven't seen in years. FML

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By mrmidi - United States

Today, I learned two important facts: #1 A grown man can, in fact, get beaten up by a teenage girl, and #2 If someone is convinced you are someone else, there is no telling them otherwise. FML

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By Smiley - Aruba - Oranjestad

Today, as always, I tend to smile and giggle when I'm nervous. I couldn't stop it from happening at the funeral of my friend's grandmother. FML

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By Carlyclose

Today, I got rejected from Sephora, Walgreens and Ulta for being OVER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. Then, I got rejected from Estée Lauder, LVMH and Proctor and Gamble for being UNDER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2020 17:02

Mondegreens

Today, I was interviewing a potential candidate for a job opportunity. He started the conversation by saying that he was having a weird day because his friend just got married. To which I responded, “Oh, fun!” He'd actually said that his friend got murdered. FML

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By PuppyLove2009 - United States

Today, I came home after a two week vacation to find that my wonderful dog had pooped and peed all over my room. My mother was kind enough to dog-sit; however, instead of helping me by cleaning up the horrid mess, she just left me coupons for Glade plug-in air fresheners. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I went out of my way to avoid street preachers thrusting hateful propaganda at me. A young woman ran up to me and started waving paper in my face, and I snapped at her to fuck off. Right afterwards I realised she was returning something that fell out of my pocket. She looked terrified. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a dutch oven, with my own fart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsford

Today, my cat jumped on my shoulders, but stepped in my hood and choked me and when I panicked she dug her claws into my shoulders. FML

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By Scared4Lf - United States - Lamoure

Today, I was awoken by my grandparents making love, as they shook the camper in which my cousin and I were sleeping. FML

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By FutureMarine3658 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, out of habit, after scratching my balls, I then smelt my hand. It was at that moment I realized most of my gym was staring at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brockton

Today, I got a flat tire. The spare was also flat, so I had no other choice but to walk home. I got to my house and realized I'd left the front door key and garage clicker in my car 5 miles away. FML

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By Unlucky gal

Today, I broke my mug, windshield wiper, shower curtain, and foot, all in six hours. FML

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2775

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By Academia - United Kingdom

Today, I got accepted into University onto a course I don't want to do, but my parents said they would disown me if I didn't go. I believe them: they haven't spoken to my shop assistant sister in about three years now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 2 year-old son decided to pee on the dog for the second day in a row. I'm afraid this will turn into a routine thing. FML

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By Bunsostriker - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out where my stolen car was. It was all the way in Maine. I live in Ohio and I got a $300 fine for illegal parking. FML

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By humiliated - United States

Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time.Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML

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By surefeelslikelove

Today, my mum was filling out a reference for me as I work in the family business. When it came to naming two of my strengths, she asked me what to put as she couldn't think of anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2021 11:01 - Germany

Ungrateful

Today, my teenage daughter insisted it was my job to take down the tray full of empty dishes, because I was the one who had carried it upstairs. Sound logic, so far. Why had I carried the tray upstairs? To serve her breakfast in bed. FML

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527

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By Paperboy - Bosnia and Herzegovina - Ilijas

Today, the highlight of my day was when I found that there was finally toilet paper in the cubicle at work. FML

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30416

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By Whoisshe

Unknown number

Today, I gave my phone number to a guy at the movie theatre. I was excited to receive a text a few minutes later, sure enough when I unlocked my phone I had received a message from an unknown number. It was his girlfriend. FML

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By azouwa

Everybody wants to be a cat

Today, I caught my 10 year-old in the closet, naked, on his hands and knees, eating cat food straight from the bag. He'd torn a hole in the side of the bag, cat food was everywhere. We have plenty of food in the house, but he wants to be a cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2020 14:01

Walking Dead

Today, my doctor informed me I was a fascinating patient. Why? I have "more health issues than a patient my age should." I'm 26. FML

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By ScoozieBooze - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I caught my dog chewing on a tampon applicator. I tried to grab it from him, but he wanted to play "keep away" and ran outside. Like a dumbass, I chased after him in my underwear, earning myself the attention of my neighbors on each side of my driveway. FML

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By Andrew - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate, and I gave her a condom to put on me. She tried to open it with her teeth, but ripped it. That was my only condom. I'm now sitting here watching a soap opera with a boner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that I have the balls to base jump and skydive, but I still can't ask out the hot girl working at the pub. FML

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By lbelle - Canada - Montreal

Today, my right ear drum ruptured. My family doesn't understand that I only lost hearing in one ear and continues to talk about me behind my back, thinking I can't hear them. FML

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By mydadsgonnakillme - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my overprotective father. My boyfriend started out with, "Sir, it is an honor to be your daughter's sexual partner." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was in the shower I noticed a short, black hair on my loofa. I ignored it and lathered up my entire body with it. When I put it back down, a roach crawled out of it. What I thought was a black hair was in fact its antenna. FML

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By Nate - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I have never read any of the Harry Potter books. FML

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34666

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By Anonymous - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I overheard my dad say "Last time I didn't use a condom, I ended up with Steven, so for god's sake use 'em." I'm Steven. FML

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By hackling fellow

Today, I was painting my mom's house, which so far had taken 12 hours over two days. All of a sudden there was a wind storm. All of the leaves stuck to the wet paint. FML

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Top comments

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5683895 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:43

Gosh. Dang it, OP. What the heck were you thinking? You must have sounded like an effin ice hole. Son of a mother trucker.

By jondillboy | 17

#5683893 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:43

Interesting reason for being grounded.

COMMENTS

By jondillboy | 17

#5683893 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:43

Interesting reason for being grounded.

9echo | 17

#5683970 - Sunday 22 September 2013 3:07

Some people should NOT be parents.

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5683974 - Sunday 22 September 2013 3:09

Or wearing sweater vests

steffi90 | 13

#5683990 - Sunday 22 September 2013 3:15

time to man up.

ositoakaluis | 16

#5684025 - Sunday 22 September 2013 3:42

sorry OP but I agree with your father

thrifting | 18

#5684047 - Sunday 22 September 2013 4:02

The best time to wear a striped sweater, is all the time. One with a collar - turtle neck! That's the kind.

CanadiAnM8 | 24

#5684210 - Sunday 22 September 2013 6:46

Anyone else like OP's name.

GEBEH | 14

#5684418 - Sunday 22 September 2013 11:52

Grounding a gamer - heaven on earth for one week without the restriction of knowing you could be doing other more important things in life!

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5683895 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:43

Gosh. Dang it, OP. What the heck were you thinking? You must have sounded like an effin ice hole. Son of a mother trucker.

Enslaved | 36

#5684003 - Sunday 22 September 2013 3:25

Johnny Dangerously? :P

sadistmonkey | 19

#5684005 - Sunday 22 September 2013 3:26

Shut the front door!

DanielleinDC | 32

#5684095 - Sunday 22 September 2013 4:36

No, that would be a farging icehole!

Cory123125 | 3

#5684171 - Sunday 22 September 2013 5:46

Man that's Nuckin futs!

IloveToLaugh143 | 21

#5684192 - Sunday 22 September 2013 6:06

I know right?! That is so fudgin' ridiculous. Then this son of a female dog, decides to ground me? Well cluck you too!!

alex_gen | 38

#5684251 - Sunday 22 September 2013 7:44

Shut the front door!

xivoricbutterfly | 25

#5961279 - Saturday 31 May 2014 7:23

Shut the full cup!

By rockne93 | 17

#5683915 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:47

I guess the only thing you can do is swear like a sailor?

FrankHotpants | 30

#5684576 - Sunday 22 September 2013 16:48

..And what the fuck is that suppose to mean?!

By football98_fml | 20

#5683919 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:47

get one of those voice-changing microphones...

9echo | 17

#5684839 - Sunday 22 September 2013 20:14

...because you sound more manly when you cuss like a little girl with a deep voice...

Cbnotme | 20

#6616795 - Saturday 28 May 2016 14:41

And the voice changing microphone would only make the other people he's gaming with hear his voice differently, not his dad and his dad's friends who are over.