Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me because he loves toilets.... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me because he loves toilets. Everyone was sleeping so I went pee but didnt flush. My cat jumped onto the seat and fell in. I had to lift him out and then wash him. He hates water though, so I was scratched by my cat who was dripping with my own pee. FML

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Serious times

Caught red-handed

Dicks aplenty!

By feltuponthe69 - United States

Today, I fell asleep on the bus and when I woke up, I found out that I missed my stop by ten stops and I was on the last bus of the night. And, to make matters worse, a drunk hobo was sitting next to me with a beer in one hand and was rubbing my leg with the other. FML

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By skunk head - 22/7/2020 05:01

Extreme makeover

Today, my idiot husband got drunk in the middle of the day and decided to dress our 7-year-old like Rufio from the movie Hook. I wouldn’t have even been mad if he’d done a decent job. Instead, he did a botched bleach and dye job in our boy’s hair that makes him look like a skunk on acid. FML

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By Jenn

Today, in my lifeguarding course, I had to pull a 200-pound boy out of the pool in an exercise to practice using our legs when lifting. I, being only 90 pounds, tried pulling and ended up falling into the pool, landing with my lady parts on his face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Southfield

Today, my fully grown, 90-pound German Shepherd sniffed and wagged his tail as a guy mugged me. FML

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By gross - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed with a pedestal fan on facing us when my boyfriend sneezed. Where did he sneeze? Into the fan, which then sprayed it all over my face. FML

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By abbyleigh08 - United States

Today, I told my mom I want to try out for American Idol. She responded with, "You don't take disappointment well." FML

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By Cheesey_Dorito

Today, it has been 57 hours since I have last had food. The fridge is empty. The freezer is empty. The pantry is empty. Even my bank account is empty because my pay has been delayed. Again. FML

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By goddamnit - United States

Today, I got a letter saying I was no longer a student at my college and my current work is void since I had ignored and refused to pay my tuition bill. Over the past month I've been deleting these pesky emails saying 'FINAL WARNING regarding payment' thinking it was more spam. They weren't. FML

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By anonymous

Today, my parents and in-laws are in a bidding war for the house next door, since we are about to have a son. We're not even sure if we want them living this close. FML

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By LostSleep - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken at 4 a.m. by the sounds of someone crashing down the stairs. I scrambled out, still half-asleep, to find out that nobody was in an agonized heap at the bottom. The walls are so thin in my house that I could hear the neighbour falling down HIS stairs. FML

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By Kristache - Canada

Today, at the restaurant I work at, I gave a man back his change and told him to enjoy the sunny day. He replied by dramatically saying that the sun was his mortal enemy. Thinking he was joking, I asked him if he was a vampire. Turns out he has skin cancer. FML

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By ohIlike - Australia

Today, after thirteen years of engagement, my fiancé and I split. As is, with the day, we changed our facebook relationships to make it official. I logged back on tonight to find his mother, the woman I've spent the last year looking after and having a good time, 'liking' the break up. FML

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By Fraser - Canada

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

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By Anonymous

He's probably right

Today, I found out that my boyfriend thinks brushing his teeth is unnecessary, because, "the world is going to end because of climate change anyway." FML

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By Ren - United States

Today, I received a text message from my older brother. It said, "Ah... I want you". I hope to god it was intended for someone else. FML

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By LemonTree - Hungary

Today, I realized that I ran out of deodorant. On top of that, I was late to work so I had to run, making me all sweaty and smelly. To cover it up, I used the air-freshener in the toilet at work. Everyone recognized the "Lemon Tree" scent and now all of my colleagues think I'm a cheap bastard. FML

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By SorryIDontMatchStandardSizes - United States

Today, I received my uniform for culinary school. I'm 5'4" and 110 lbs, and during sizing even an XS uniform swam on me. On the other hand, I need huge shoes for my size 10 feet. Apparently, the school decided to ignore my sizing sheet and simply give me standard medium uniforms and size 8 shoes. FML

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By living_thedream - United States - Bethpage

Today, while living in Florida, I had a conversation with my mother explaining that it might be best for me to come back home. Her response, "Don't worry, they have plenty of homeless shelters down there if you need a place to stay." Thanks Mom. FML

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By hantavirus - United States

Today, I found out that the horrific smell coming from somewhere in my kitchen was a rotting dead mouse in my dishwasher. I have been eating off plates washed in dead-mouse water for the past week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my dad that I had a herpes infection. He said "Good." FML

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By really - Canada - Ottawa

Today, a customer at work was having hiccups, so I suggest that she should try to hold her breath for a while. Ten minutes later, she's talking to my manager about how I wanted her to "kill myself because of my severe medical condition". FML

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By Jonoq - Canada

Stress factor 11

Today, in a 2-hour period at work, I had to talk to the cops, clean up shit and clean up vomit, yet none of these events were related. The worst part is, I work as a lifeguard and none of this is in the job description. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend and she was making me listen to one of her recordings for chorus. As I was listening to it a solo came on, and i turned to her and said "This is the worst F*ing solo I've ever heard in my life." Little did I know, it was her solo. FML

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By ggbhghggg - United States

Today, I missed my bus. I had to ride my bike 2 miles. Once I left, some jerk nearly hit me. I flipped him off and shouted obsceneties. It was my dad, offering me a ride. He left. FML

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By sarahwittman - United States

Today, my aunt and I went shopping. When we got to the store, she said she forgot her wallet, and I told her I would buy some things for her. When we were at the checkout, I was a dollar short. She said, "Oh, I'll get it!" and pulled out her wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ontario

Today, I found myself admiring my eyelids for being the only parts of my face not covered in acne. FML

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By Anon

Not the nuggets!

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing for 5 months over. We got some chicken nuggets, but didn’t eat because he stripped my clothes off and we started having sex. Out of nowhere, he said, "I can’t do this!" and left. He took the chicken nuggets with him. FML

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By RootyTootToot

Today, I got a call from "No Caller ID", which usually only shows up when someone calls from my house phone. Thinking it was my kids, I answered imitating a cartoon voice. It wasn't my kids. It was the district attorney's office calling about the job I applied for. FML

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By mcginnismr

Today, I went to the doctor's office, where my mother happens to work. When my doctor tried to prank her by saying I have chlamydia, my mother laughed and said she didn't believe it, adding, "Have you even seen the way she interacts with boys?" FML

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By LDF - France

Today, I sat in the train and the old lady sitting next to me stares at my face. I ask her if she is ok and she starts yelling "Willy! It's you! Where have you been all this time?". The entire train trip went like this. FML

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By unluckylassy - Ireland

Today, after moving miles to be with my boyfriend, I logged onto his computer just in time to see his other girlfriend had sent naked pictures. FML

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By A_W

Today, in desperate need of cash to get me by until payday, I decided to pawn one of my nicer possessions, a Coach purse. Today, I learned that counterfeiters are getting a lot better at their profession. Now I have no money AND a fake purse. FML

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By ditsy - United States

Today, I was on webcam for the first time with a guy I've been texting for a while. Trying to show off my guitar skills, I lean down to pick it up and fell on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2020 08:01 - Canada

Leave me alone

Today, my brother turned into a fanatical vegan, and while I was eating my scrambled eggs, sat across from me glaring and whispering, "fried embryo, amniotic fluid" the entire time. I have a feeling i'll be eating most of my meals in my room from now on. FML

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By NewRoommateNeededASAP - United States

Today, I skipped class and went to back my apartment early. I found that my roommate had broken into my room and was laying in my bed wearing my underwear, taking pictures of herself. Apparently, she's been doing it all semester. FML

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By romedizzle - Canada

Today, I was helping an older lady return her previously bought items to customer service. As she walked away and said "Thanks," I tried to say "You're welcome" and "No problem" at the same time. I ended up saying "Your problem". She scowled at me. FML

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By burn in hell - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, my estranged mother texted me saying, "Gran died, LOL." My grandmother and I were fairly close, so I was shocked and disgusted. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and asked if she knew what "LOL" meant. She did. FML

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By theraarman - France

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has to pretend to have another boyfriend who is not me because her siblings and cousins do not accept me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working as a massage therapist, a client had me work on a very specific knot in his shoulder. He also happened to have a very detailed, very realistic tattoo of the crucifixion on his shoulder. I just spent 45 minutes violating Jesus. FML

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By Miscellaneous - United Kingdom

Today, I went in for an interview with a firm where I'd done some interning before. After shaking hands with both the directors, I went to shake hands with one of the director's wives, who also works there. Turns out she was going for a hug and kiss on the cheek. I ended up kissing her on the lips. FML

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Top comments

By rt523 | 0

#168272 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:32

thats why you flush. gross.

By Rainbow_Monkey | 0

#168277 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:33

Next time, flush. And wash your hands, too.

COMMENTS

By housemd1120 | 0

#168266 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:31

At least it was your pee...

Not really a FML

Reply

b182link | 0

#1029476 - Sunday 13 June 2010 16:50

why does your cat love toilets? that's weird

Reply

isaiaha11 | 2

#1114482 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 18:04

likes toilets but not water?

Reply

Cupcakeshizz | 0

#1183319 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 20:09

that was exactly what I was thinking haha

Reply

goldhighways | 0

#1661926 - Sunday 7 November 2010 9:49

my cats love toilets too for some reason

By hotrainrider | 0

#168269 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:32

that's what I call "cat scratch pee-ver"

Reply

ugottalaugh | 0

#1737779 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 1:13

ah ha...very clever lol!!

By rt523 | 0

#168272 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:32

thats why you flush. gross.

Reply

SonOfAMitch | 14

#4710607 - Friday 20 July 2012 5:48

Normally I would agree to a comment like this ... only the fact of the circumstances of OP.

1) I wouldn't want to wake up MY family by flushing the toilet, I would do it in the morning when everyone was awake (IMO)

2) I find it lucky that OP didn't flush otherwise the cat might've drowned or gone down the toilet!

OP, I'm sorry that you got scratched, maybe keep the lid closed next time, FYL.

By CaffiendCA | 0

#168276 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:33

If it's any consolation, your pee was probably cleaner than the cat!

By Rainbow_Monkey | 0

#168277 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:33

Next time, flush. And wash your hands, too.

Reply

warsun | 27

#5910396 - Thursday 10 April 2014 14:54

OP didn't want to accidently wake up the family.

Reply

thatguy3812 | 25

#6722086 - Tuesday 13 December 2016 6:04

It's still gross to not flush the toilet

By maii_fml | 0

#168281 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:34

i agree with #5

By rapperhermit | 0

#168286 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:35

What kind of clumsy cat is this? Aren't cats supposed to be surefooted?

By LilKonvicted | 0

#168311 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:41

What #5 said

By thelonelylurker | 0

#168314 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:41

Ew... flush. Also, your cat is hilarious, he loves toilets?

By Jess_17 | 0

#168318 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:43

Um I feel this is why you should always flush the toilet just sayin'