Animals: Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me because he loves toilets.... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me because he loves toilets. Everyone was sleeping so I went pee but didnt flush. My cat jumped onto the seat and fell in. I had to lift him out and then wash him. He hates water though, so I was scratched by my cat who was dripping with my own pee. FML

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Out of it

Dangling modifier

Chemical warfare

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking through the park eating fries. There was an old woman feeding a few pigeons. They didn't seem too interested, so I threw some fries down as I walked by to try and help her out. About 2 minutes later, I heard screaming. A huge group of pigeons were attacking the old woman. FML

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By Toby's.Mom. - United States - Houston

Your kid is a boffin

Today, I heard my son use the word "exacerbated". I had to look it up to see if he had correctly used it, which he had, because I couldn't remember what it meant. I'll be 23 next week. He's not even 4. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex, and it was my first time being on top. I got so into it that when I went to put my hands on the wall for support, the shelf above my bed snapped, with my favorite little cactus falling onto his face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent five hours sobbing in my room due to anti-depressant withdrawal. My mother refused to come and talk to me, because I'm "a terrible, hateful child who only cares about herself." Last week I spent two hours comforting her because my brother hadn't called in a week. FML

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By beurk - France - Paris

Today, in the magazine section of a bookstore, an old dude asked me politely to grab something that he couldn't reach. I did so with a smile, touched by his "nice old guy" demeanour, only glancing at the item in question as I handed it to him. It was a porn mag. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, the strange cat that has adopted me inexplicably made its way into my house and curled up next to my head while I slept. I'm horribly allergic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to go meet my new upstairs neighbor, only to find out nobody actually moved in. The noises that have been coming from up there were made by rats. Lots of them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellaire

Today, my boyfriend accidentally broke my nose the day he was meeting my parents for the first time. FML

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By drano - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at my job. A guy came up with a cart full of stuff and it took me 10 minutes to ring it all up. When I told him his total, he felt his pockets, said "Oh shit I forgot my wallet!" and walked away. He left about 15 bags worth of things for me to put back. FML

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By Araya - United Kingdom

Today, I had a pig kidney dissection in Biology. I see a 'sack' which appeared to contain a liquid. Being the curious type, I cut open the sack, spraying said liquid over me and my desk. My teacher, after giggling, informed me that the liquid was in fact urine. I was pissed on by a dead pig. FML

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By Anonymous

Noise annoys

Today, my little brother got a violin. FML

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By FunTimes - Canada

Today, my mom got drunk and tried to push me off a ladder. FML

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By Anonymous

Impossible relationship

Today, I had another dinner with the girl that I started dating a few weeks ago. During dinner, we talked about our families. We realized that we're actually cousins. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, things were getting hot with my boyfriend and I started to breathe heavy and moan. He then says to me, "Babe, can you calm down, we're having sex not running a marathon." FML

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By forever dog-less

Today, my mom told me to go meet a rescue dog. After doing all my research and emailing shelters left and right, I finally got a call. It went well! Then, my mom told me it would never happen. I'm still expecting several emails from the shelters I contacted, so I get to relive this pain. FML

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By - United States - Saint Joseph

Today, I realized that my husband's preferred sexual activities not only don't require me to take off my clothes, but go much better for him when I don't. He doesn't get why this makes me self-conscious about getting naked in front of him... FML

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By RektForLyfe - United States - Wickliffe

Today, I was accepted to the college of my dreams. Then I checked the address. Turns out, the letter was meant for my neighbor. I was actually denied. FML

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By giantcuntflaps - Australia

Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts. When he said "I'm horny," I teasingly replied, "Whoops, did I do that?" His reply? "Huh? Naw i'm watching sum porn". FML

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By WTF - United States - Conroe

Today, my boss at my new call center job said he'd gotten complaints about me. Apparently I sound "too black" and it's "upsetting" some of our customers. I don't know what that even means, but my boss said I need to "tone it down or we're gonna have some problems". FML

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By paidback - United States

Rejection erection

Today, I rejected my wife for sex. She then started to masturbate next to me. I got an erection. She then rejected me for sex. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my husband only dated me because I look like what he thought the daughter he had with his first wife might look like when she's grown up. FML

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By nean83 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my dad was helping me move my stuff out. I'd asked my boyfriend to deal with my sex toys and lingerie, but still my dad showed up later at my new place, handed me a box full of them all, and simply said, "I don't want to know." FML

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By connor1701

Today, I went to put my coat on to go out. I put my hand in my pocket, not knowing there was a mouse sleeping in there. I squeezed it, it bit me and ran off. FML

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By parenting sucks - United States

Today, I tried to comfort my daughter who'd been crying non-stop for hours. She thinks Chuck Norris is coming to kill her, and I can't convince her otherwise. FML

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By Etown - United States - Evansville

Today, a friend texted me to get a ticket and go to the theme park with her tomorrow. I bought a ticket and didn't hear from her until 5 hrs later to say she was sorry, but she doesn't think she'll be going. It was $65 and non refundable. FML

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By sadinthesack - United States

Today, I was making love to my girlfriend and was pretty impressed with myself for lasting through multiple songs. Then I realized her ipod was playing a medley. I only lasted 3 1/2 minutes. FML

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By branwen5 - United States

Today, I had my final divorce proceeding. The judge denied my divorce because my husband is unemployed. I can't get a divorce until he gets a job to pay child support. He hasn't had a job for 3 years. FML

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By GidleyWife - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my young stepdaughter decided that she should store her coins in my laptop's card reader slot and in the CD drive. I just bought the laptop last week. FML

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By sevenshotmovie - United States - Sheffield

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to watch a movie with myself and a few friends. He got drunk, talked during the entire movie, fell into and broke my fan and then threw up all over my roommate's bathroom. He is still leaning over the toilet and my fan sounds like a woodpecker. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing basketball in our company gym. I took a shot from half court, and at that exact moment, an executive walked into the gym with an important potential client. My shot bounced off the side of the backboard, off some bleachers, and right into the client's head. FML

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By Dariya - United States

Today, I asked my mom how much she had set aside for college. She then looked and me as if I were crazy and said "Why the hell would I do anything like that?" FML

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By ZombiKilla - United States - Delta

Today, I went on a date. Met the guy at the restaurant, everything seemed to be going OK, but then he spent the entire dinner talking about Pokemon GO, and wouldn't let me say a word. He suddenly stops talking, gets up, says he, "doesn't feel a connection" and leaves. I had to pay the bill. FML

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By epicfail - United States

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to sneak out. As I was climbing out of my 3rd floor window, he got a text and moved the ladder. Now I'm in the hospital with two broken ribs. FML

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By grossedout - Canada

Today, I got home from a small vacation. Before I left, I set up cameras in my room to see if my roommate was stealing my money. Turns out she wasn't. However, she does borrow my personal "adult toy" whenever I'm out. FML

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By NowBubbleWrapSucks

Today, my mom went into a full war against dirt and plastic-wrapped our entire house. The floor, furniture, even our feet now have to be covered in plastic. Everything squeaks. FML

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By todaddy - United Kingdom

Today, my 5-year-old son woke up early and ran into my bedroom to wake me up. Unfortunately, he did this by jumping onto my bed, slamming his knee into my balls in the process. I had to explain my tears of agony away by claiming I was just so happy to see him. FML

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By John - United Kingdom

Today, I had a very long, complicated talk with my girlfriend. Apparently, since she isn't religious, she doesn't have to give anyone Christmas presents, and yet expects everyone to give her some. She then told me what I should get her. FML

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By lingling - United States - Germantown

Today, some beefed-up guy wearing a wife-beater sat in my restaurant, took out a big sack of coins, and played My Little Pony songs on the jukebox for 4 hours straight. I couldn't summon the courage to tell him to leave. FML

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By - United States - Augusta

Today, My girlfriend dumped me because of a game... No that because I was playing the game... Cause she got addicted to a game and decided that the game was more important than our relationship. FML

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By KingUrge - United States - Victorville

Today, as I was walking down the street, a car full of hot girls pulled up and asked if I wanted to party; obviously, I said yes. They then shot at me with party poppers and threw party food all over me. FML

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Top comments

By rt523 | 0

#168272 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:32

thats why you flush. gross.

By Rainbow_Monkey | 0

#168277 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:33

Next time, flush. And wash your hands, too.

COMMENTS

By housemd1120 | 0

#168266 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:31

At least it was your pee...

Not really a FML

Reply

b182link | 0

#1029476 - Sunday 13 June 2010 16:50

why does your cat love toilets? that's weird

Reply

isaiaha11 | 2

#1114482 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 18:04

likes toilets but not water?

Reply

Cupcakeshizz | 0

#1183319 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 20:09

that was exactly what I was thinking haha

Reply

goldhighways | 0

#1661926 - Sunday 7 November 2010 9:49

my cats love toilets too for some reason

By hotrainrider | 0

#168269 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:32

that's what I call "cat scratch pee-ver"

Reply

ugottalaugh | 0

#1737779 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 1:13

ah ha...very clever lol!!

By rt523 | 0

#168272 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:32

thats why you flush. gross.

Reply

SonOfAMitch | 14

#4710607 - Friday 20 July 2012 5:48

Normally I would agree to a comment like this ... only the fact of the circumstances of OP.

1) I wouldn't want to wake up MY family by flushing the toilet, I would do it in the morning when everyone was awake (IMO)

2) I find it lucky that OP didn't flush otherwise the cat might've drowned or gone down the toilet!

OP, I'm sorry that you got scratched, maybe keep the lid closed next time, FYL.

By CaffiendCA | 0

#168276 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:33

If it's any consolation, your pee was probably cleaner than the cat!

By Rainbow_Monkey | 0

#168277 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:33

Next time, flush. And wash your hands, too.

Reply

warsun | 27

#5910396 - Thursday 10 April 2014 14:54

OP didn't want to accidently wake up the family.

Reply

thatguy3812 | 25

#6722086 - Tuesday 13 December 2016 6:04

It's still gross to not flush the toilet

By maii_fml | 0

#168281 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:34

i agree with #5

By rapperhermit | 0

#168286 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:35

What kind of clumsy cat is this? Aren't cats supposed to be surefooted?

By LilKonvicted | 0

#168311 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:41

What #5 said

By thelonelylurker | 0

#168314 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:41

Ew... flush. Also, your cat is hilarious, he loves toilets?

By Jess_17 | 0

#168318 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:43

Um I feel this is why you should always flush the toilet just sayin'