Today, my cat tried to kill me. While I was sleeping, he put his paws on either side of my face and laid down, covering my nose and mouth. While I was struggling to free myself, I could hear my sister laughing next to me. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, my cat jumped on my shoulders, but stepped in my hood and choked me and when I panicked she dug her claws into my shoulders. FML
Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML
Today, I awoke to my cat sitting on my chest. That wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't tried to get her off. She promptly went crazy and scratched me. My fiancée, who was sleeping next to me, hit me, called me cruel, and told me to apologize to the cat. I did. FML
Today, my cat was laying on my chest while I was in bed. I farted, which my closed legs seemed to amplify. My cat was so scared, she used me as a launching pad and cut my chest in three places with her claws. FML
Today, I was laying with my face dangling down the side of my bed, when my kitten rushed up to me looking worried. He sniffed me for a while, then decided the best thing to do was to stand on his hind legs and start punching my face like a speed bag. FML
Today, I noticed my kitten was growling and twitching in his sleep. I tried to wake him up by gently prodding him. He responded by waking up and attacking my face. FML
Today, my cat tried to jump up to the window, and missed. This would have been hilarious if I had not been sleeping under that same window, and then caught him with my face. FML
Today, I got a kitten. She decided to sleep on my bed, waking me up periodically during the night by biting my face to make sure I was still alive. FML
Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML
Today, while I was trying to get to sleep, I heard a strange noise coming from the bunk bed above mine. I looked up to see what it was and my cat vomited over the edge, onto my face. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
DaleksAreEpic 0
I bet your cat is secretly a hired assassin.
catnip216 0
This is why cats are awesome.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (154)
GreeneyedWonder 0
Guys, his sister could be next to his bed, not necessarily in the bed with him. As in standing there. Or maybe they share a room. Or maybe she put the cat on his face. Dear goodness, please don't ALWAYS assume it has to be incest...
Iskaria 0
that and op is a she -.-
bloobelly 0
that's funny
skyeyez9 25
Why were you struggling to get a cat which probably weighs a whole 11lbs off of you? It's not like you had a pet 400 lb lion on you.
CTVrhythmguitari 8
ohh how little we know :D all cats are really vicious murderers :D their happy and fluffy exterior is just their camouflage, which they use to indirectly make us believe that they are happy and fun-loving creatures :D
MehSuperiorStyle 1
I'm sorry but that's hilarious.
Djahcrap 0
Oh, jeez.
FMLMaster2010 0
Next a 1000 ways to die episode!!
calley123 0
haha I'd pee my pants if that became an episode
pinkballoon 0
This is why I have dogs.
bringonthebling 0
I understand why your sister laughed. I thought about it, and lol'd.
kocoman500 2
and THIS is why I hate cats -.-
koolkat27 13
the cat probably just wanted affection or to cuddle. I don't get how people can be so weird and hate cats, they're the best type of pet to have, not too clingy like a dog, but cuddly.