Today, my brother spent the whole day making a harpoon out of...

By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 14:00 - Canada

Today, my brother spent the whole day making a harpoon out of an old Tiki torch to bring on vacation with us to Sauble Beach, and he plans on using this contraption. On the beach. With all of us there to watch. He's 17 years-old. FML

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Instadrama

Does it taste good?

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By drummerboy - 6/6/2016 12:17 - United States

Today, I practiced my drum playing in the garage instead of my room out of consideration for my neighbors. Guess the consideration wasn't mutual, because one of my neighbors just shot a hole in one of my drums with an air gun. FML

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By sorry - 25/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Columbus

Blind love

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I slightly hesitated when she asked if she was beautiful. I am blind. FML

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By Who1s269 - 3/5/2013 12:13 - United States

Today, my wife told me that getting in the mood to have sex with me is like trying to get in the mood to hit the treadmill. FML

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By Eric John Los - 29/1/2018 13:00 - United States - Haydenville

Today, I wore a coat that was too tight. The button gave way and quickly flew about ten feet to hit my very attractive new coworker right in the ass. FML

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By steph - 31/10/2008 07:11 - France

Today, my ex-girlfriend told me that she can't live without me, but she has another boyfriend. FML

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By OhGeez - 8/6/2009 19:41 - Canada

Today, I got hypnotized at my school's variety show. Apparently, when asked to do something I enjoy doing, I began to violently hump the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2016 14:15 - United Kingdom - Saint Austell

Today, I found out that my daughter not only has a boyfriend, but that they're trying for a baby. She's barely 15. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2018 09:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, for the 2nd time in a month, I've been rear-ended at a stop light. One insurance company refuses to pay because of prior damage from the 1st accident, and the other won't pay because of new damage not caused by their client. I just want my car back. FML

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By anon - 26/12/2013 12:08 - Australia

Today, I watched "Time of the Doctor" and I'm pretty sure my love of Doctor Who slithered out through my ear and shamefully lodged itself in the darkest corner of the room, crying. FML

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By anon - 20/11/2015 00:53 - New Zealand

Today, I found my expensive lingerie I thought I had lost. In my 15-year-old brother's room. FML

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By IsThisRealLife - 1/2/2016 17:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up with an extremely irritable rash around my crotch. I didn't want to full out itch it by putting my hands down my pants, so I itched it by putting my hand in my pockets. I got kicked off the train for "pleasuring myself in public." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 07:28 - United States

Today, I overheard my mom telling my younger sister not to use my razors because she "doesn't know what I may have." FML

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By wowgranny - 22/12/2016 20:08 - United States - Tooele

Today, my grandma told me that I'm starting to look like my sister. I jokingly replied, "Uh-oh I'm in trouble then." She gave me a very disapproving look and said, "You should be happy. She's beautiful, unlike you." FML

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By that1summergirl - 19/9/2019 12:00 - Canada

Riverdale is a lie

Today, I called my boyfriend at 2 a.m., telling him I couldn't sleep. He replied, "Well, I can," and hung up. FML

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By anon - 25/10/2010 05:42 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend watches porn. Specifically, today, while I was in the shower. In the next room. We were alone in the house and he still chose porn. FML

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By dumped - 5/6/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because the love advice that she gets on her cellphone every week says that I'm cheating on her. I've never cheated on her and I was planning to propose next week. FML

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By anonymous - 10/11/2012 11:02 - United States

Today, I was playing Apples to Apples with my girlfriend and a few others. The card that was drawn was labeled "pathetic". Among other cards that were laid down in attempts to be similar to "pathetic" was my girlfriend's card. She won with a create-a-card labeled "my sex life". FML

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By Username - 3/8/2011 03:33 - United States

Today, I quit smoking. It seems that when you don't smoke for almost 24 hours, your sense of smell comes back. I then noticed how disgusting my apartment smells. Great. FML

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By Timv86 - 16/2/2010 08:18 - Australia

Today, I went to the shops with my little sister. We had to walk through the lingerie section of the store to get to another part. My sister then yells at the top of her voice 'stop following me you freak'. I had security escort me out of the store, and got many dirty looks. She thought it was hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2017 19:30 - United States - New Bremen

The gift that keeps on giving!

Today, for our Christmas gift exchange, we were supposed to all bring alcohol. I got a Crown Royal Apple box with a couple of positive pregnancy tests. FML

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By kitkat3308 - 30/3/2015 05:06 - United States - Lees Summit

Today, after recently quitting a terrible job which made me miserable, I went to my first work meeting at my new job. I was excited to start fresh and meet my new coworkers. Instead, I met my boyfriend's extremely jealous ex-girlfriend. She didn't look excited to see me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 03:42 - Canada

Today, I woke up to my apartment filled with smoke, fire alarms blaring. My roommate set my kitchen on fire while making hot dogs. This is the fourth time this has happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2015 00:37 - United States - Mantua

Today, I told my dog to give me the stick he had in his mouth so I could throw it for him. After I picked it up I realized it was a dried-out piece of shit. FML

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By in debt - 1/11/2018 13:30

Today, a tree fell on our 3-month-old family car. Today, I also learned that my husband never insured it. It's probably scrap, and we still have to pay it off for the next 5 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, my 10 year old brother caught me masturbating and then said "Oh, so that's how you do it!". He then ran to his room and locked the door. I inadvertently taught my little brother how to masturbate. FML

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By kel - 10/2/2010 17:34 - United States

Today, in between the passing times at school, one of my classmates opened the door to my next class, so I turned to tell him thank you. Apparently, he was opening it for the teacher who was leaving. I collided with her and her very hot cup of coffee. FML

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By idiotson - 11/6/2014 00:39 - United States - Rocky Point

Today, I had to go to the police station after my son got arrested for shoplifting 15 packs of gum. He got away with it at first, but got busted when he tried to return it all because he "didn't like the flavor". FML

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By Crashed - 1/1/2014 18:21 - United States - Evans

Today, I was T-boned at an intersection. My wife got pissed when I didn't immediately check on her, but rather the other driver. That other driver was my daughter. FML

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By nothowscienceworks - 13/11/2015 07:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had the mother of a five year old come in for parent teacher conferences. When I told her that her son was very smart, but he often made up fantastical stories about his home life, she burst into tears. She then ran out of my office crying, "I knew it! I knew he was a sociopath!" FML

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By Chandler - 16/9/2011 19:26 - United States

Today, in a desperate bid to avoid going to the doctor, my young son ran into and hid inside a cactus garden. I had to drag him out. FML

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By Kay - 20/10/2016 10:37

Today, at the register, I got a spontaneous nose bleed. The lady behind the counter apparently didn't do well with blood. Her face turned white, she passed out and fell with her head on the counter. FML

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By Viciousvixen_21 - 2/4/2011 07:35 - United States

Today, I asked my 2 year old son to clean up his toys. When I bent down to give him a good job kiss afterwards, he punched me in the nose. FML

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By Ophelia - 8/6/2016 04:05 - United States - Hudson

Today, a realtor came to take a look at my house. I had worked all morning to make it look lovely. When they took pictures, I explained a number of ways I could change things so everything would look as good as possible. After the house tour, they told me it should be bulldozed. FML

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By cheerymama - 23/1/2012 00:49 - United States

Today, I did my old "toe-touch" cheerleading move to try to impress my 5-year-old daughter. When I landed, I broke my toe. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2010 04:59 - United States

Today, at work, an old lady came through my line to buy some groceries. She told me she lost her purse and was a little short. It was busy, so I pulled out my little purse and gave her the money she needed. A few minutes later she returned with my boss, insisting that my purse was hers. FML

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By Gurior - 4/9/2011 07:01 - Canada

Today, the condoms I bought a few years ago as a celebration of dumping my girlfriend due to a lack of sex, have expired. Every last one of them. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2011 12:40 - Australia

Today, working at a daycare centre, when packing up the kids' beds after sleep time, I slipped and landed in a puddle. Of urine. I had no spare pants. I had to wear them for the rest of my shift. FML

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By samboob - 1/9/2010 21:01 - United States

Today, I saw one of those candies that you spray on your tongue. Only after spraying some in my mouth did I find it was actually perfume. FML

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By betterthanhodor - 8/11/2014 14:09 - United Kingdom - Woodbridge

Today, I was getting everything ready for mine and my husband's first wedding anniversary. Flowers, check. Crisp new bed sheets, check. Silk underwear, check. Crippling cramps and an early period, check. FML

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By Wilf - 22/2/2013 15:48 - Australia - Perth

Today, the arts company I work for cancelled our 8 pm sold-out outdoor performance at 7:30 due to rain, and will have to reticket 550 patrons. I'm the only person in the office trained in ticketing. It stopped raining 10 minutes after we cancelled it. FML

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Top comments

By chyiochan | 30

#7837809 - Thursday 29 August 2019 14:58

Who gives a shit? Let him have fun and do whatever he wants. It's your's AND his vacation. I'd love it if I wasn't berated for doing something different and interesting in my free time!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7837876 - Thursday 29 August 2019 16:25

Just call him Ishmael and have a whale of a good time! Shut your blowhole and don't be a Moby Dick.

Comments

By chyiochan | 30

#7837809 - Thursday 29 August 2019 14:58

Who gives a shit? Let him have fun and do whatever he wants. It's your's AND his vacation. I'd love it if I wasn't berated for doing something different and interesting in my free time!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7837876 - Thursday 29 August 2019 16:25

Just call him Ishmael and have a whale of a good time! Shut your blowhole and don't be a Moby Dick.

By Bevis Butthead | 4

#7837914 - Thursday 29 August 2019 17:13

At least your parents don't need to worry about him getting laid... ever.

By zoelog | 10

#7838104 - Thursday 29 August 2019 22:58

and.....im not understanding the problem.

By QueenSaru | 27

#7838119 - Thursday 29 August 2019 23:24

I want to know what he thinks he's going to be able to harpoon at Sauble Beach of all places...

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7838133 - Thursday 29 August 2019 23:37

OP, that was YOUR group that day at the beach?! It was hilarious! Correct, your bro's a doofus. But still lovable. LOL!

By Tiffani Carter | 6

#7838180 - Friday 30 August 2019 2:56

Well there have been a lot of shark sightings at beaches here this summer. Maybe he’s just trying to protect his family.

By E2dav | 5

#7838625 - Saturday 31 August 2019 2:54

Is he actually wanting to try and harpoon a whale? or just acting it out? The former would make me think he needs help...but the latter means enrol him in drama classes already