Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend yet again unsuccessfully tried to hold in...

By epicsquishii - 01/05/2012 11:02 - United States - Riverbank

Today, my boyfriend yet again unsuccessfully tried to hold in uncontrollable giggling every time I moaned or sighed during sex. He's 24. I'm terrified of his reaction should I ever reach an orgasm with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 848

You deserved it 3 440

Intimacy

Triage

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Be better, people

By Anonymous - 07/04/2009 15:51 - Japan

Today, I was in a store using the only bathroom there. After I was done, I realized I couldn't open the door. Panicked it locked me in, I banged on the door, and screamed for help. The security and a whole group of people gathered, only to find that I was pulling the door instead of pushing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 425

You deserved it 91 501

By viabbey - 24/08/2019 16:00 - United States - Cadillac

Today, after waking up in a panic since I slept through my alarm, I hurriedly got ready and started speeding to work. On the way, I texted my boss to apologize for running late. His response? "It's Saturday." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 424

You deserved it 675

By raesos91 - 18/09/2012 11:56 - United States - Houston

Today, I decided to look for the horrid stench coming from my bathroom. It turns out my roommate has been throwing away her used tampons in the "trashcan by the sink." That "trashcan" is my old antique vase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 764

You deserved it 2 805

By neelloc83 - 02/03/2009 14:22 - United States

Today, I was meeting friends for dinner at an Indian restaurant. I was waiting for the group to arrive and our table to be ready. An Indian man approached me smiling, so I said "We're not ready for our table yet". Then I realized it was my friend's boyfriend who I've met several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 060

You deserved it 67 957

By LightsOut - 03/05/2011 17:58 - United States

Today, I finished working a 70 hour work week. I'm a lineman for the electric company, and worked extended hours all week getting people's lights back on after a wind storm. When I got home, my power was out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 480

You deserved it 3 118

By ProudMama - 08/01/2012 00:50 - United States

Today, I arrived home. I'd left for a business trip 5 days earlier, and trusted my husband with our young boys. As soon as I stepped in the door, I noticed my son had thinner hair than when I'd left. He then showed me an empty container of Nair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 204

You deserved it 3 231

By laury - 09/05/2012 02:05 - Canada - Port Elgin

Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 440

You deserved it 3 610

By Zxz - 08/04/2013 21:51 - Canada

Today, the power was out. I tried to explain to my boyfriend that he wouldn't be able to watch any TV until the power came back on. His response was, "But we have Netflix." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 179

You deserved it 6 243

By Anonymous - 09/11/2009 05:47 - New Zealand

Today, I found out that my friend uses pictures of me to motivate her to work out. They are accompanied by sayings such as "you don't want to turn out like this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 384

You deserved it 5 557

By missseloit3 - 13/03/2018 19:00

Today, I met a nice guy who wanted to chat. I didn't want to be the bitchy type and throw him the "I have a boyfriend" line right away, so I conversed with him. When he asked was I single I, of course, said no. He yelled at me and made a huge scene about me leading him on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 536

You deserved it 767

By no - 20/03/2014 22:18 - United Kingdom - London

Today, for the third time this week, a random person in the street walked up to me and told me how much I look like Grumpy Cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 770

You deserved it 5 451

By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 17:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I blared my music while I got ready for a night out. Getting really into this one song, I grabbed onto the nearest thing as a makeshift microphone. It happened to be the hot end of my curling iron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 372

You deserved it 41 509

What? Why? How?

By naas1201 - 03/03/2021 02:01

Today, a girl told me, "You're so cute, like a monkey." I seriously don't know if it's a compliment or if I'm being insulted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 737

You deserved it 81

By SuddenlyDogless - 22/02/2017 13:00 - Canada - Beachville

Today, my dog has very watery diarrhea. I laid down paper towels to soak it up, and went to get sanitary wipes for the rest of it. When I came back, my dog had dragged the paper towels up onto the sand coloured loveseat. Sand coloured no longer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 037

You deserved it 844

By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 14:07 - United Kingdom

Today, while at work, I cringed as I noticed my caveman colleague frantically digging into his nose and then continuing the use of his computer. I work in IT support and will be rebuilding his computer and reinstalling all his applications in 30 minutes time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 556

You deserved it 2 354

By jgw - 07/04/2017 00:00

Today, I was certain that over the six years of struggling through my Ph.D., I had culminated in one truly original idea. Until I saw it published in another thesis, from 1953. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 668

You deserved it 668

By ohno - 14/09/2010 23:30 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of 3 years out to where we had our first date. I proposed to her. She breaks down in tears as she tells me she's been sleeping with her co-worker for the past year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 449

You deserved it 3 204

By Mark - 09/09/2011 04:51 - United States

Today, a car backed into mine. I thought that was pretty bad, until another car backed into me right after I'd finished taking the first guy's info. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 325

You deserved it 2 175

Perfect timing...

By modprobs - 03/08/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in months because we live in different countries, is coming to stay with me. I've been the picture of health for months, but today I woke up with my period, a terrible cold, and tooth pain from that root canal my dentist told me I didn't need a few years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 665

You deserved it 269

ASMR

By Crucible101 - 24/08/2020 08:07

Today, I listened to a recording of a woman saying, "I love you" for about 30 mins straight. That's apparently the only way I can feel loved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 120

You deserved it 279

By The Corner Of Death - 12/08/2013 08:17 - United States - Spring

Today, my dog died. In the same kitchen corner that two of my other dogs have died. I have a "Corner Of Death" in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 694

You deserved it 52

By Anonymous - 27/05/2011 03:05 - United States

Today, I had to give a 63 year old man a shot. He started bawling before I even brought out the needle. I tried to get him calm down. Then he grabbed the needle, threw it at me and ran out the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 713

You deserved it 3 211

By CassidyQueen - 06/06/2015 02:14 - United States - Warrenton

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend because my parents kicked me out. He said that if I ever touch his "fucking apple jacks" he will "chop" my nipples off and feed them to the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 136

You deserved it 5 535

By youknowyoureoptimisticwhen - 08/11/2015 16:45 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I went to McDonald's. I was unaware of the Monopoly contest that they were holding. I was also unaware that you have to get 3 stickers of the same colour to claim your prize, and that it's not that easy to win a Jeep Cherokee. Taking down my Facebook post was awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 624

You deserved it 20 061

By GrumpyBunny - 28/03/2016 07:27 - United States - Marysville

Today, I learned the true meaning of "throwing money down the toilet" when pulling my pants up, somehow my $100 Easter money fell out of my pocket mid flush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 922

You deserved it 4 409

By That idiot - 28/08/2014 02:33 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I won a goldfish at the amusement park. My little brother took him out of the bowl because he thought he was drowning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 335

You deserved it 3 613

By Username - 15/05/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, while driving my new car, a squirrel ran in front of me so I slammed on my brakes. The person behind me didn't notice and rear-ended me. The squirrel got hit by a car going the opposite direction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 396

You deserved it 18 038

By advanced history teacher - 27/04/2015 04:58 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I asked my class to name some West African countries. Several of them thought Ebola was a country. I teach an AP history class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 252

You deserved it 4 100

By Arrgh - 27/05/2009 07:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on webcam with someone and the conversation died so I said "brb". I sat there for five minutes not realising I had left my webcam on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 917

You deserved it 79 818

By worstwaytodumpagirl - 28/12/2013 22:34 - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my boyfriend bought me a pair of jeans. I couldn't fit into them, and he reacted to this by saying I've gotten too fat for him, and he can't be with me anymore. I took them off and saw they were a size 4. I've been a size 8 for the past 2 years, and he knows this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 910

You deserved it 3 541

By Well okay then - 09/10/2016 17:12 - United States - Palmdale

Today, after letting the painters working on my house know that they're more than welcome to use my restroom, I walked outside only to find three of them pissing in my garden. One even aimed for my tomatoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 246

You deserved it 744

By Anonymous - 13/02/2014 01:12 - United States - Coraopolis

Today, the boy who sits next to me in class accidentally dropped his sketch pad. It turns out he's really talented at drawing portraits. They're so good that I could recognize myself in all of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 238

You deserved it 7 725

By Anonymous - 24/08/2015 18:59 - United States

Today, I was just a few days away from starting the training for my promotion to management, which involved a healthy pay raise and full time benefits. Today, news came down that the company is filing for bankruptcy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 312

You deserved it 1 561

By Anonymous - 25/09/2010 02:35 - United States

Today, I had a cold and was vomiting. I sneezed really hard, smacking my nose onto the toilet seat. I woke up a few minutes later with my nose bleeding, painful, and still stuffy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 068

You deserved it 2 802

By amilia - 07/11/2018 12:00

Today, I went on a blind date with a guy at a seafood restaurant. I explained to him that I am deathly allergic to shrimp. When the waiter took my order, he interrupted me and said, “She’ll have the shrimp," while looking me dead in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 283

You deserved it 309

By Anonymous - 19/02/2011 05:22 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house and sat around while he played video games. He turned to me and could see I was annoyed. Then he told his friends on XBox Live that he needed a 10 minute break to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 920

You deserved it 8 564

By Deaf and Dumb - 23/05/2017 18:00

Today, while on the bus, the girl in front of me asked me if I could find the orange she'd dropped. I couldn't see it, but when I told her that there was no orange there, she gave me the strangest look. She'd said ring, not orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 965

You deserved it 577

By crazycatlady - 24/08/2016 09:43 - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up with my cat's asshole planted firmly on my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 115

You deserved it 1 543

Weird romance

By Mike - 10/06/2021 08:01

Today, my coworker and I have been sharing the same girlfriend for over a year. She doesn’t know that we each know about the other, but now it’s all over. She blocked both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 376

You deserved it 836

By jellybean - 06/11/2009 23:37 - United States

Today, there was something itching me in my bed, it was the tag to my pillow case. I ripped it off, very hard and slipped and punched myself right in the face. I broke my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 766

You deserved it 10 970

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Top comments

Razzle_Dazzle_5 11

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:41

Your boyfriend will have a laughgasm.

therealslim 15

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:44

Just refuse to have sex with him. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW

Razzle_Dazzle_5 11

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:41

Your boyfriend will have a laughgasm.

GoingCommando93 14

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:46

Or she makes funny sounds during sex? Who knows?

jackassiddy 8

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:54

1- Haahahahahaaha-squirt-aahahaha! ?

GoingCommando93 14

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 17:58

21, That's just gross.

mrlopez 13

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 18:22

#21: That was pretty epic...

FMLshark 12

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 19:22

Then get off the internet, 56, because if you think THAT'S gross, you're in for a pretty big surprise.

GoingCommando93 14

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 20:05

Yeah. I've seen it all. Bluewaffle. 2girls 1cup. But that doesn't mean it's still not gross, even slightly.

Grammar_Nazi01 5

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 21:41

Withhold sex for a small while. See what he finds funny then.

happle 21

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 22:11

87-It would be inappropriate in the real world, but this is the internet. Let him have fun.

pimpnainteasy 5

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Wednesday 2 May 2012 23:37

Lol @87 omg you saw those man you are badass. I wish I could be like you. It actually turns me on more when a girl squirts so grow the fuck up

hnz 13

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:41

Tell him about it? Tell him you're uncomfortable with it

FMLshark 12

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 19:24

This is why you shave.

Hamden824 23

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Thursday 4 August 2016 21:34

What does shaving have to do with anything???

GothicAngel17 24

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:42

Are you sure he isn't 14, at least in the head?

VVeetard 8

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 20:54

Dont be so quick to blame the boyfriend. Consider the possibility that OP sounds like a donkey when moaning.

nofearjenshere 12

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 21:16

^ Haha I can just picture it. OP: Oh, oh, oh yeah, yeah, EEE-HAWW EEE-HAW!

Druifje88 3

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 23:16

Eh, isn't that most of the times with boys?? Young in mind ;)

TaysDarkLust 11

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Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:16

@98, Maybe she's the one that sounds like a Zombie? (old FML..)

BirdieCurls 25

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Saturday 2 November 2013 22:53

#103 I just spit Dr. Pepper all over my phone from laughing at that

MotherHen88 4

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:42

Sounds like your boyfriend is really just a little school girl.

therealslim 15

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 22:49

*sigh*, he sounds really immature..

therealslim 15

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:44

Just refuse to have sex with him. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW

geko911 22

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:51

I'm sure OP wants sex too...

kamikrazy 6

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 17:11

Agreed

wtf20007 10

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 17:54

Agreed with 52 100%

Furrywhiplash 14

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 18:12

Wow... People take things so seriously. It was a simple joke, no need to get all rwar about it. And maybe instead of no sex, just duct tape his mouth shut and dominate him. If that doesn't get him to stop, go with the no sex and invest in a vibrator.

SkyBirdy 5

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Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:13

I love how 61's name is furryWHIPLASH. *hint on the domination*

Jaxx66 21

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Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:26

124, the way you say it makes me think more along the lines of tying the partner up, who's dressed in a cat costume. FURRYwhiplash.

Eiregal2 10

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Wednesday 2 May 2012 1:34

I agree with 52. being raised Catholic sex was a sinful wicked thing, more so for women! maybe he had that pounded in his brain at church too. I used to believe it had no effect on me but I've been celibate for nine years now as I just don't enjoy it. fecking Catholics! lol

LunaBee3105 3

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Wednesday 2 May 2012 2:51

i like how people live under the assumption that you cant live without sex or that sex is somehow a neccessity to a relationship XD goddamn people get control of your hormones!!! (lol just a joke people dont get your panties in a knot XD)

molliepop19 5

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Wednesday 2 May 2012 4:31

136 I'm catholic as well. However, we've never been taught that sex is a sinful thing. I don't know what church you've been going to, but at mine, Its very common for families to have lots of children. Pretty sure they had to have sex to make all of them.

xleanne_aLly 23

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Wednesday 2 May 2012 4:42

142 you're pretty sure? Really? I think he's talking about the no sex before marriage thing. How it's suppose to be secret or something.

jackassiddy 8

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:44

...Maybe his penis is ticklish? :o

bwtchinheels 0

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Wednesday 2 May 2012 7:05

Wtf that doesn't even make sense.

emeraldisle 30

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:45

Maybe he's giggling because he's nervous? *shrug*

afallingstar 22

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Wednesday 2 May 2012 20:10

Nervous he's going to finish too fast? Maybe hes using mental images to not finish so fast and they're hilarious?

lyssa_jean 7

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:46

Tie a string to his balls and tell him that everytime he giggles you are going to give it a nice tug...... Im sure hed figure out a way to control it then.....

JSwerv3 6

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 17:27

and that is how a Ball-Torture fetish is created...

emilydotawesome 1

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Wednesday 2 May 2012 4:47

Very primitive.. I like it.

lyssa_jean 7

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Wednesday 2 May 2012 6:22

I actually read about some village where the husbands of laboring women would stand on top of the hut with a rope tied to their balls and the wife, laboring below, qould pull the rope every time she had a contraction.......

muFilter 19

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Wednesday 2 May 2012 10:22

What the fuck have you been reading, 149?

afallingstar 22

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Wednesday 2 May 2012 20:12

I would imagine that would make a guy think twice about having sex...

eman1972 4

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Tuesday 8 May 2012 1:50

I like where you're going with that. LOL

princessAj1 6

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:46

That sucks . Sigh. Lol

SkoomaKi 27

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:47

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

jackassiddy 8

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:52

^ The fuck?

Jaxx66 21

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:58

Last time I checked, those 'squirters' are rare.

MiniNyn 5

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:58

Someone watches too much "squirting" porn.

SkoomaKi 27

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 17:07

#23 - They're rare, but you still get them. Just making a joke, not to be taken seriously.

jackassiddy 8

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 17:16

27-Well now I just feel bad.

SkoomaKi 27

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 17:18

#36 - It's okay, I don't think my comment came across as funny.

esines 9

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 18:19

Made me laugh

laden_swallow09 34

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Tuesday 1 May 2012 20:08

The "squirt" isn't urine. It has a different texture, viscosity, and completely different taste and smell to it. It keeps coming out as long as the orgasms keep going, as opposed emptying the bladder, and thats it. The total amount of fluid that comes out depends on the individual and ranges from a few tablespoons to an entire pint. While sexologists, urologists, and gynecologists are still debating over what exactly the "squirt" is, it isn't pee.