Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our... - FML

By Anonymous - 29/06/2011 23:52 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 787

You deserved it 7 341

The runs

Get out while you still can

Friend's best friend

By FMyBrain - 06/06/2014 21:26 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, my brain decided to go into suicide mode. So far I've managed to open a fridge door into my face, walk balls-first into the corner of a table, and sliced my finger while trying to cut open some thick plastic packaging with scissors. I'll probably be dead by the time this is posted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 419

You deserved it 6 021

By Mini-wanker - 18/10/2011 17:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, after having had sex with my girlfriend for the first time the night before, she went to the doctor. He said she's still physically a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 403

You deserved it 8 820

By hugs511 - 25/07/2009 04:21 - United States

Today, I spent my date night babysitting. After waiting three hours later than I was supposed, the mother finally gets home at 11, too late for me to get out and have any fun. Already annoyed, I take the money as she says, "I hope this is enough, I got hungry and spent some of your money." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 510

You deserved it 3 136

Two rooms, two atmospheres

By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 16:58

Today, I tried to cook a nice meal for my sister's friends. It turned out perfect and they enjoyed it, while I was in the bathroom throwing up for two hours due to food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 721

You deserved it 134

By DuckMan - 07/10/2017 23:15

Today, I was at a party when the cops showed up. They asked whether anyone had a gun, but I heard "fun" instead and raised my hand. I got searched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 412

You deserved it 2 591

By missingcharlie - 17/08/2009 02:45 - United States

Spicy

Today, in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, instead of saying something sexy, he decided to tell me that the bowling alley had a new air hockey table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 030

You deserved it 5 673

Stuck

By robzzz - 16/02/2012 07:13 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I'm forced to eat half a package of saltine crackers in my room for dinner. I can't go downstairs to the kitchen because my two roommates are going at it on our kitchen table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 553

You deserved it 3 812

Amityville

By bumpinthenight - 20/04/2020 08:00

Today, I was painting my new house when my neighbor introduced himself. Mid-conversation, he said, "The lady who lived here was nice, but just couldn't get over her husband hanging himself in the garage. Or her son shooting himself in the basement." I'll never sleep again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 911

You deserved it 316

By Anonymous - 01/12/2010 10:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to take a short cut driving through the snow. I skidded to avoid an oncoming car and ended up in someone's garden, inches from their brand new extension. The house belonged to a police officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 336

You deserved it 31 892

And probably giggling

By Anonymous - 10/08/2020 05:02

Today, I realized our cat has a sixth sense for when he wants to be seen. When we don't care where the cat is, he's within plain sight. When we lose track of him and are in a panic worrying if he got out, he's hiding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 993

You deserved it 312

By Anonymous - 16/03/2012 17:00 - United States

Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 574

You deserved it 16 811

Second Life

By Aaron - 12/04/2021 07:59

Today, I finally got to experience being loved, or at least what it looks like. I paid for a fabulous wedding in a video game with a reluctant friend, who only agreed after I explained all the free costumes, pets, and other items he'd receive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 625

You deserved it 332

By Anonymous - 07/06/2012 18:09 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I had an admissions interview at my dream college. I spent hours practicing questions and picking the perfect outfit. It was not until after the interview that I realized I'd scratched a pimple while waiting, and my forehead had been smeared with blood the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 485

You deserved it 4 342

By Gabby - 11/02/2012 19:10 - United States

Today, my friend and I were playing Oregon Trail online. I googled "dysentery", and sent her an IM about the mind-blowing number of cartoons of people violently shitting everywhere. I accidentally sent it to my aunt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 357

You deserved it 23 297

By Anonymous - 04/04/2009 10:57 - Denmark

Spicy

Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 867

You deserved it 14 711

By depressed - 22/02/2010 07:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, a girl I have been wanting for years told me she was drunk and needed me to take her home. On the way home she was very frisky and flirty, and I kept telling her to wait till we got to her place. When we finally arrived, she passed out on me and I was stuck there watching her sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 772

You deserved it 26 254

By pierced. - 25/06/2014 04:29 - United States - Reno

Today, I went to a seamstress to be fitted for my wedding dress and left with a pierced nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 785

You deserved it 6 105

Leave me alone

By Anonymous - 01/08/2020 17:00

Today, my idea of partying is vacuuming the house. Because that’s the only time when I have a legitimate excuse to wear headphones, listen to music and not be available for my grandma to call out to me because she wants something or other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 314

You deserved it 129

By jeremiah - 06/11/2011 08:21 - Australia

Today, I let my brother borrow my car, as he had a job interview. I told him the tank was nearly empty and gave him $20 to put some petrol in it. Ten minutes later, he calls me, saying the car won't start. He filled it up with diesel. It's a petrol car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 695

You deserved it 4 615

Thanks a bunch

By nose hurts - 30/12/2012 01:01 - United States - Richmond

Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty coworker came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. I was so startled that I slipped and smashed my face into the table. Now she can't look at me without laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 566

You deserved it 3 462

By Anonymous - 29/12/2010 02:52 - United States

Today, I came home and was greeted by my dad telling me that he pawned my guitar for gas money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 695

You deserved it 2 592

The luck of the draw

By bl3ur0z3 - 30/09/2019 00:01

Today, my supervisor was in a leadership meeting pulling random calls for quality. Mine was chosen. He got excited and told them my stats and how I put him to shame with how I drive my team, that I'm the best and this call is going to be amazing. I was then written up for arguing with a customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 402

You deserved it 345

By Malina - 04/01/2015 01:42 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I bit into a piece of homegrown lettuce from my garden. Apparently, I'm not the only one to enjoy my produce, because I took a bite out of a small caterpillar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 827

You deserved it 10 290

By Ania - 15/10/2011 05:13 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my mom. I went into my department and tried on some clothes. After a few minutes, there is an announcement that a child has gone missing. Staff are searching the store. I see my mom and she hugs me in tears and yells, "I found her!" I'm almost 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 811

You deserved it 3 619

By [email protected] - 28/09/2014 15:30 - United Kingdom - Watford

Spicy

Today, my drunk husband came home, got into bed, and started humping the body pillow. He ended up whining about how I hadn't come yet, then angrily slurred that I must be cheating on him. All I could do was stay quiet and wonder how the idiot even made it home alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 520

You deserved it 4 844

By ducky2721 - 02/01/2010 13:46 - United States

Today, while working my overnight shift, I went into the isolation room to find some items for a former client. The door fell shut and the magnetic lock went to work. Both unit telephones and my cell phone were lying on the desk, and I waited four hours for my supervisor to rescue me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 606

You deserved it 4 815

By Mygawdwhy - 21/01/2018 01:30

Today, I gave my mom an extra pillow since the ones in the guest room were too flat and hurt her neck. Hours later, I remembered that I'd stashed my vibrator in that pillowcase during a romantic camping trip with my husband. She found it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 100

You deserved it 1 980

By Anonymous - 20/06/2012 05:22 - United States - Tucson

Today, I bought some beef jerky. As I put the first piece in my mouth, I thought to myself, "Wow, this is tough enough to break a tooth." It was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 953

You deserved it 3 524

By lollerskate - 16/01/2010 15:37 - United States

Today, my smoke alarm went off. In a frenzy, I called 9-1-1 and exited my house. Several minutes later a fire truck showed up. After investigating, one of the firemen informed me I needed to change the batteries in my smoke alarm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 247

You deserved it 37 730

By Anonymous - 25/12/2012 07:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, after giving my mother and my girlfriend their Christmas presents, I realized just how similar they looked both in box size and wrapping paper. I noticed after my mother gasped upon finding a vibrator in her box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 821

You deserved it 55 342

Post-it

By Lalalala - 06/09/2020 02:02 - United States - Austin

Today, my boyfriend told me to stay home, because he wanted to come by to give me a birthday surprise. Later on, he came by, posted a note, rung the bell and left. The note was a break up note. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 654

You deserved it 98

By Anonymous - 20/08/2014 22:14 - Sweden - ?kersberga

Today, I went on my first date in 8 years. While we were looking at the menu, the guy said: "So if you're vegetarian, why're you so fat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 880

You deserved it 8 196

By monty - 09/03/2009 02:53 - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my mom's coworkers two little boys. they went to bed around 9 and I was watching a movie on HBO. I fell asleep before the movie was over. I woke up to the parents walking into the house. I looked at the TV, and porn was on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 213

You deserved it 13 349

By kill me now - 16/01/2017 21:22

Spicy

Today, I realised I've sucked dick to every Simon Pegg movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 143

You deserved it 6 527

By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 23:59 - United States

Today, while browsing YouTube, I looked at the section "Recommended for You." I saw a video titled "How to get a girlfriend." Even YouTube thinks I can't get one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 034

You deserved it 5 464

By Birthday blues - 13/12/2018 22:00

Today, it's my birthday. I lit my birthday candles on the cake I made myself and blew them out alone, while my worthless husband sat on the couch stuffing Doritos in his face. My present? He sprayed Lysol in the bathroom after he took a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 952

You deserved it 573

By dileigh - 10/03/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I received my graduation gift, a bath robe, from my parents. My have two older sisters also graduated. The first one got a Tiffany's bracelet, the second one got a plane ticket to Europe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 143

You deserved it 3 615

Exes from hell

By what the actual fuck?! - 02/08/2021 07:01 - United States

Today, my psychotic ex-boyfriend hit a brand new low. I was served court papers, saying that he’s suing me by demanding I give him a paternity test for my daughter. He’s also telling everyone he’s her real father. He and I were broken up for more than a year before I even got pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 095

You deserved it 72

By Spider fail - 31/05/2016 19:06 - United States - East Lansing

Today, I had a dream that I was swinging through New York City as my favorite hero, Spider-Man. I was almost immediately beaten to death by a mugger. I suck even in my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 677

You deserved it 1 061

By cl4ptp - 14/08/2012 12:17 - United Kingdom - Barry

Spicy

Today, after sex, my boyfriend and I lay in bed for a couple of hours just chatting. This would have been lovely. However, his topic of choice for post-coital pillow talk was his theory about how Chewbacca is secretly the leader of the Rebel Alliance. It actually made sense. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 097

You deserved it 7 644

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Top comments

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:28

he's not too smart :-/

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:28

wow ur bf is truly an idiot!

Comments

hmmdevonn_fml 0

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:28

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

imosim 0

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:30

yes, yes you are

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:31

Whoo. Throw a parade.

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:38

honesty at it's finest....

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:28

he's not too smart :-/

JesusFishTaco 5

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:36

I'm lucky I thought about the FML before i commented on this because my mind processed it differently. So I concur, her bf is a dumbdonkey.

Thursday 30 June 2011 8:37

He's not the biggest peanut in the turd. Huh!

JesusFishTaco 5

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:38

What?

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:40

stupid and a cheater? double offence!

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:41

stupid and a cheater? double offense!

PushMyButtons 5

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:47

oh my gosh.....your bf is so stupid I literally had to think about this one. the stupidity of this is amazing hahaha :) favorite-ed

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:49

40 speaking of doubles...

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:58

what an idiot.. f your life dump the cheating dumbass..

chlorinegreen 27

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Thursday 30 June 2011 9:18

I think he was just trying to act stupid. he either was completely stoned off of who knows what (no offense to the drug takers) or that was his "great plan" of telling you "I cheated and I want nothing to do with you or this baby so I'm going to act like a complete dumb fuck and tell you something stupid" thinking he would get off scott free. you sure know how to pick them op. FYL indeed

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Thursday 30 June 2011 11:35

#82 is totally right. there's no way one can be that stupid

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Thursday 30 June 2011 11:38

your kid is going to have downs. abort it now!!

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Thursday 30 June 2011 11:52

Double Wammy, ftw.

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Thursday 30 June 2011 11:59

Is he a redneck? lol.

unfortunate_13 5

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Thursday 30 June 2011 13:50

so... are you and kelso still together?

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Thursday 30 June 2011 15:07

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Thursday 30 June 2011 16:15

maybe he was bi had sex with a guy still had the other guys semen on him and some how got it is her vagina. and also meant it might not be my kid cause I was cheating on u when u got pregnant! :p

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Thursday 30 June 2011 17:34

and this is why mankind created birth control kids...

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Thursday 30 June 2011 18:33

229, the husband was saying the wife who had the baby, might not be the mother.

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Thursday 30 June 2011 20:05

I won't lie, I had to read that a few times to realize what was going on. Shoulda said it might not be his because you were thinking of another man during sex.

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Thursday 30 June 2011 20:39

nope. and he should be castrated so he can't contaminate the rest of the world

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Thursday 30 June 2011 22:07

duuuuurrrrrpppppp

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Thursday 30 June 2011 22:28

And to think this guy is reproducing :/

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Friday 1 July 2011 0:22

AGREED, also how is there not more "You totally deserve it" votes. She went out with a retard and let him bang her. YOU DESERVE IT YOU IDIOT.

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Friday 1 July 2011 11:43

229 Sperm dies shortly after it comes into contact with the air.

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Friday 1 July 2011 23:52

Triple offenSe. Learn to spell.

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Friday 1 July 2011 23:58

lol wha?

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Saturday 2 July 2011 1:58

child support

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Saturday 2 July 2011 6:30

the guys and girls both trade something after sex that's why all my friends with girlfriends turn into pussies

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Sunday 3 July 2011 6:16

read it once and thought okay... sooo what. read it again and realized the true stupidity going on here lol

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Tuesday 5 July 2011 18:11

hahaha that made me laugh .. i cant believe everyone just ignored that lol ...

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Sunday 24 July 2011 21:44

no

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Tuesday 30 August 2011 7:54

Good luck. Hope you were cheating too cuz if that's his baby the Spartans woulda tossed that child.

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Sunday 3 June 2012 14:37

You're hot bro

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Saturday 16 June 2012 23:09

My exact thoughts!

THEsuperMANLYman 10

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Tuesday 5 March 2013 4:57

Op you deserve it for being dumb enough to get pregnant and for dating this idiot.

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Thursday 12 September 2013 20:50

Wow. I didnt think it possible, but you're dating a complete and total moron!

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:28

wow ur bf is truly an idiot!

Captain_Obvious2_fml 6

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:45

jokes aside, lets just hope the baby really is hers!

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:53

I fear for the future with idiots like this...and I'm 15. I shouldn't be worrying about that kind of stuff. Hopefully your child will never meet it's idiot of a father. Even though that's messed up in a sense, it's all for the best.

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Thursday 30 June 2011 9:17

I just hope the baby isn't his! though I guess anyone dumb enough to sleep with him isn't exactly on the nicer side of the gene pool.. it's like that movie Idiocracy where the idiots breed like rabbits and smart people like me die off cuz we can't get laid D;

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Thursday 30 June 2011 10:20

people like him that should not be reproducing.....

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Thursday 30 June 2011 14:40

Fave, only 'cause its too stupid. Lol

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Thursday 30 June 2011 15:44

81- Or the smart people use birth control and have up to 3 kids or so whereas the dumb people have like 5+

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Friday 1 July 2011 5:59

Then who's baby is it?!?!?!

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Sunday 3 July 2011 3:35

HAHAHAHA , best fml ever !

spasticsam717 9

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:28

And how old is he?

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Thursday 30 June 2011 10:02

12

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Thursday 30 June 2011 10:21

Well, he's old enough to get her pregnant, so he should be smarter than that.

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Thursday 30 June 2011 11:10

does it matter?..

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Thursday 30 June 2011 12:18

Apparently, we're going to have another Amber and Gary. *sighs*

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Thursday 30 June 2011 20:39

HOW could you have let him procreate??!

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Friday 1 July 2011 5:50

he shoulda used birth control!

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Friday 1 July 2011 15:05

You deserve it for having sex before marriage

MaryJane232323 9

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:28

WOW HES A KEEPER!

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Thursday 30 June 2011 11:06

my typa guy.

genesisnirvana 11

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Thursday 30 June 2011 13:31

stupid and a cheater is your type of guy?

Yourmomschesthai_fml 1

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Thursday 30 June 2011 20:11

it's called sarcasm.

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Thursday 30 June 2011 20:41

Yeah he's a keeper alright. In the basement!

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Saturday 16 July 2011 23:21

He Is Dumb A'F

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:28

Wow! I pray your child isn't as stupid as his/her dad! What a horrible way to find out he was cheating!

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Thursday 30 June 2011 10:20

Seriously. I truly want to know how people like him *ever* attract anyone under *any* circumstance.

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Thursday 30 June 2011 15:38

or reproduce!

kingghidorah 10

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Thursday 30 June 2011 15:51

they shouldn't be allowed to reproduce if they're that stupid

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Thursday 30 June 2011 17:57

I hope you cheated on him during that time to because it'd be a shame to have a child with that.

Thursday 30 June 2011 8:29

ahhh funny shit ;)

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Thursday 30 June 2011 20:09

your hilarious. not

lilmisslovely13 15

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Friday 1 July 2011 9:42

why does this have so many dislikes??

icecreammintz 0

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Friday 1 July 2011 17:42

why is this comment rated so low? i mean seriously this is funny stuff.

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:29

Not only were you cheated on, you were cheated on by a man with a negative IQ. Double fuck your life!!

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Thursday 30 June 2011 15:07

bahhhhahahahh Well Said

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Thursday 30 June 2011 16:51

heh, make that triple, because she has his baby. jeez, it really doesn't get any better... |the kid|

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Sunday 15 December 2013 3:46

that negative IQ remark was funny as hell

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:29

sounds like a real keeper... not. I am sorry he is such a loser =|

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Thursday 30 June 2011 8:29

Woah. You have an idiot for a boyfriend

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 2

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 12

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 1 056

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 799

You deserved it 177