Health: Today, my boyfriend and I went to see his 72-year-old mom who...

By coeurdlucky - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to see his 72-year-old mom who just had minor surgery on her abdomen. When we asked how she was healing, she lifted up her nightgown to show us a bruise near her belly button. She wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

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Health

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Dementia or hate? You decide

Right place, wrong person

By Anonymous - United States - Newtown

Today, my crush fell asleep on me on the bus. This would have been fantastic if I didn't immediately have an erection in her ear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, my religious girlfriend convinced me to let her take my virginity. A few hours later, she broke up with me, crying and saying I was going to hell for having sex before marriage. But apparently she isn't, and she can't be with someone who "tempts" her. FML

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By BigHelp - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my new antidepressants finally kicked in. I switched to them to try to control my anxiety. Turns out that the most common side effect, funnily enough, is nervousness. Guess I should've done more research. FML

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By joey

Zapped

Today, my mom decided to try her new taser on me while I was asleep on the couch. FML

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By problems - Thailand - Phuket

Today, on my holiday in Thailand I was using the ATM to withdraw $500 worth of Baht. While doing this the ATM crashed and decided to restart. After 5 minutes it spat my card out and nothing else. When I returned to the hotel to use the Wifi, the ATM had deducted the money from my account. FML

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By BrianP - Netherlands

Today, I came home to found all of my belongings out on the street. My roommate, who is also my brother, apparantly neglected to pay his part of the rent, and we got evicted. FML

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By How strange - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was in the kitchen, he got three text messages, all of which were from "Babe 2", "Babe 3", and "Babe 4". FML

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By smidgit

Today, after many days of messing around with wording and pictures, a huge and expensive printed card order came in to the office. I spelt the first word wrong. I can't get a refund. FML

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By "Kilamo" - United States

Best words

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear "would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me"? with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML

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By Clueless - United States

Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago my 4 year old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke my dominant hand. My teacher insists we hand-write our essays. I called and asked if it was okay for me to type up the essays. She said no. I have two essays due tomorrow, which count for half my grade. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I dried my hands on the same towel I used this morning to wipe up a few shards of glass. You can't see the small splinters in my hands, but believe me, I can feel them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom and I heard a thump from inside the coat closet. I opened the door, and something fell on me. My mom, who was behind me, screamed, closed the laundry room door, and ran into the garage, leaving me to face the alleged attacker. It was the vacuum. FML

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By rangerluke - United States

Today, I went to an indoor trampoline park. This would usually be fun, except that I got there, broke my ankle, and left in an ambulance, all before my friends even arrived. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband reacted by going out and smoking weed, then getting completely shitfaced, and having his buddies drag his nearly-comatose carcass back home from a strip club. FML

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By lostintellct - United States

Today, I had a hour long conversation with someone I apparently was friends with a few years ago. I couldn't remember who he was for the life of me, so I just played along. Finally, I told him I didn't remember him. He had the wrong number. I had a long conversation with a wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my parents' for the first time in months. Upon my arrival, I found out that I won't be spending the day with them because they've taken a car trip to attend a Sarah Palin book signing. FML

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By Fmycar - United States

Today, my football team played in a game against our rival school that was just a few blocks away. We hadn't lost the game in exactly 49 years, we were playing for the 50th year win. We lost 63-0, and got booed off the field by our own crowd. FML

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By oldtexas - United States

Today, I bought a freezer mug that looks like it's full of water. I've been playing tricks on my friends by throwing the empty cup at them. After doing this a few dozen times, my 83 year-old mother came to visit. I played the same trick on her. The joke's on me. My Dad filled the cup. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 14:01

The Hulk

Today, I was diagnosed with intermittent explosive disorder, meaning that I involuntarily fly into a rage without provocation. It's only controlled by healthy eating and sleeping. I work too much to get any sleep, I don't make enough money to eat well, and my disorder limits my ability to find a job that pays more. FML

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By why

Today, I caught my roommate pouring back his leftover milk from his cereal back into the jug to "save money." FML

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By christine brown - United States

Today, I got suspended for bringing a "hazardous weapon" to school. They were earrings. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2021 20:01

Long road ahead

Today, I came out to one of my best friends as non-binary, and told him (with their permission) that some of our friends were trans. He told us that we were all idiots and refuses to accept us. We've known him since 3rd grade. FML

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By seriously! - Australia - Sydney

Today, while working in childcare, we went to a farm so the kids could see how things worked. They started showing off prize winning cattle and when they bought out "Miss Stacey", the kids lost their shit. My name is Miss Stacey. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I was called an assortment of names and was almost followed home by a crazy bitch. Why? Because I stated that it was unsanitary for her to bring her dog to a grocery store. She clearly disagreed. FML

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By Stressed Mother - United States - Piscataway

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone call. They were impressed with me. That's when my son decided to throw a tantrum asking for food. After some silence, the caller told me they were looking for someone who wasn't juggling little kids at home and hung up. My son is 20. FML

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By Weekdae - 9/12/2020 09:01 - United States - Litchfield Park

Grammar police alert

Today, I found another comment online referencing, "Smoke weed everyday." With all due respect for smoking weed, when will people learn that "every" and "day" need to be two separate words in that context? This is seriously making it hard for me to focus on my work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at my wedding reception, my father began his speech with "Well, I never, ever thought that this day would come," at which point the entire room, including my new husband, broke into a round of enthusiastic applause. FML

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By ghostyyy - France

Today, my sister was on television. It would have been great if she weren't being handcuffed for burglary. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to dinner with friends for my birthday. During the whole thing they insisted that we get whatever we wanted and celebrate, but when the check came, they all looked at me expectantly. I just bought my friends $150 of food for my birthday present. FML

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By veggieluver - United States - Scarsdale

Today, my grandfather asked me why the broccoli I served for dinner was white. I told him it was cauliflower. He would't believe me, accused me of being a Russian spy, and stormed out. FML

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By nomoreart - United States

Today, I was working on my art portfolio. I had drawn a self-portrait. When I was satisfied, I wanted to show my parents. They thought it was a drawing of a bear. FML

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By warp_routine - United States

Today, I got on an elevator with a woman and her child. I was the first one on. When she stepped on, the capacity alarm went off. As she left she told her daughter that's why fat people shouldn't be allowed in public. I'm 145 lbs. She was twice my size. I got called fat by a hippopotamus. FML

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By breeeeeh - France - Brou-sur-chantereine

Today, I woke up to a stranger in my bed. Just as my parents responded to my screaming, I remembered that I'd helped my boyfriend sneak in through my window last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Manchester

Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months. Unfortunately, despite it being better than any action I've had in a long time, the dream was about me fucking a donut. FML

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By klanciee - United States - Valencia

Today, when I woke up, I noticed something crawling on my bed. A white faced wasp was dragging the corpse of a rather large spider. I'm not sure what I was more disturbed about; the fact that the wasp was dragging something twice its size, or that these bugs even live in my house. FML

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By Cinnamon - Jamaica

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she thought I was cheating on her. With my own sister. FML

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By AlwaysRejected - United States - Fremont

Today, I found out that my so-called "friends" on my Skype group chat have another group chat that contains everyone but me. Apparently, they made it so I would not "disturb" their conversations. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my husband that when I get my birth control taken out later this year, I would like to take a break from it for a while. He just said, "Condoms are too expensive and I don't want to waste $2 every time we do it." FML

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By Work_sucks

Today, I'm facing a disciplinary hearing at work because I occasionally fail to click the door properly shut when I leave the office and this is very upsetting to one of the six colleagues I share my office with. FML

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Top comments

By aussie_babe91 | 5

#1570444 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 11:49

in her defence she was probably on a lot of pain medication, but people in the hospital never care who sees any part of their body, its just how it works.

By FFML_314 | 11

#1570448 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 11:49

Just think of it as a glimpse into the future.

COMMENTS

By aussie_babe91 | 5

#1570444 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 11:49

in her defence she was probably on a lot of pain medication, but people in the hospital never care who sees any part of their body, its just how it works.

madarchod | 0

#1570501 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 11:56

Get over it, old people are like that

KingDingALing | 9

#1570777 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 12:43

She's a couger!! ;D

zakkyzebra | 11

#1571101 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 13:57

15 you made me XD. literally...

Einstein714 | 0

#1571137 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 14:01

ya gotta love old ladies, you go girl!

bubbarific | 0

#1573699 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 22:01

WINCEST!!!!!!!!!

By FFML_314 | 11

#1570448 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 11:49

Just think of it as a glimpse into the future.

debbiess | 0

#1570523 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 11:59

Exactly! LOL

ilovemydoodle123 | 0

#1570805 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 12:48

hahahahhahahah so true!

aback | 4

#1572130 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 17:18

You can bet that 50 years ago she wasn't flashing that about. I don't know why they want to wait till it's curdled to show everybody.

thecrazyasian | 3

#1575760 - Wednesday 20 October 2010 8:39

that's y u don't date guys with 72 yr old moms

iivann | 0

#1803312 - Monday 6 December 2010 19:12

Jajaaa gross but tru!!!

galt | 13

#4606360 - Sunday 24 June 2012 3:51

Omg I know you :)

By fits138 | 0

#1570470 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 11:52

It could be worse, no biggie.

By ladybuuggy | 0

#1570474 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 11:52

that's an image that will never leave your mind! haha poor old lady doesn't know what's wrong, though :/

randiZ25 | 0

#2601107 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 20:18

You are exactly right. A client of mine ( I'm a hairdresser) decided she wanted to show me her rash under her fat roll on her stomach, she too was not wearing any underwear.

By debbiess | 0

#1570495 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 11:55

At least she's comfortable enough around you to show her goodies
I'd take that as a good sign that she likes you?

By Kitten16 | 0

#1570510 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 11:57

That is gna Haunt u 4 the rest of ur life!

mimii92_fml | 0

#1574159 - Wednesday 20 October 2010 0:17

omg that's something I didn't wanna picture. bleh :P

By airsplat | 0

#1570526 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 11:59

nothing like waking up to 72 year old tacos... that really sucks

By NoodleBurger | 0

#1570557 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 12:04

Haha, oh GOD. I would've screamed! that's horrible.

By T_X_P | 2

#1570585 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 12:10

Boo-F'n-Hoo. The woman is elderly and in the hospital. Try thinking of someone other than yourself for a change, princess.

fits138 | 0

#1570694 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 12:30

^this

DocBastard | 38

#1571483 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 15:09

I tried, but I could not come up with a response better than this one. Well said. I will only add that OP is a woman (girl?) also, so she hasnothing to complain about. Selfish little bitch.