Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was...

By Picaresque - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML

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Intimacy

Understandable

Late term

Property law

By Anonymous - United States - Wahiawa

Today, I went on a run with my crush. She expressed how happy she was to have a decent running partner, because the last one kept complaining he thought he might throw up. We got to the top of the hill and I puked right in front of her. FML

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By scaredofhedges - United States - San Diego

Today, I was on a plane and realized that the woman next to me was hiding a hedgehog in a plastic container. I'm severely afraid of hedgehogs but not wanting to give the woman up and get her in trouble, I tried to stay quiet. Which led to me to quietly hyperventilate and pass out on the plane. FML

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27559

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By Hanna - United States

Today, while driving with my step mother, she attempted to have phone sex with my dad. FML

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58478

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By Anonymous - United States - Upper Marlboro

Today, while crying at my grandma's funeral I was told to man up. FML

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By icybrent94 - United Kingdom - Arlesey

Today, I decided to have some fun by joining a Harry Potter forum and making a thread saying it's all for little kids. When I checked back later, my post had been edited into me tearfully coming out of the closet, and some guy had said he'd passed my details on to Anonymous. FML

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By panther of the desert - Puerto Rico - Rio Grande

Today, I was to have an important phone interview for a job. I got a call and everything went perfectly, and they said I was hired. Later, I found out that one of my "friends" had gotten one of his buddies to prank call me and make sure the line was engaged when the real interviewer called. FML

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By oh no - Canada - Montreal

Today, I went to the grocery store with my boyfriend. I wasn't feeling well so I wasn't paying too much attention to his usual antics. Since he thought I was ignoring him, he decided to grab me roughly by the stomach to give me a hug. I ended up puking right in the middle of the aisle. FML

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By Anon - United States - Twinsburg

Today, I got so used to using this FML app while going to the bathroom that when I opened it, I accidentally peed a little. FML

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By tamponface - United Kingdom

Today, I was really excited because the girl I'd liked since freshman year asked me out. She came to my house and my mom decided to show her baby pictures of me with tampons up my nose because I'd had a nose bleed. Even worse, there was one picture of me when I was 15 doing the same thing. FML

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By unlucky - United Kingdom

Today, was my birthday. I asked for a camera - nothing fancy, just a basic digital camera. My mother bought my brother a fancy digital camera, with all the accessories, for over £200. She then gave me his old, analogue camera, that I can't get film for anymore. He hates taking photos. FML

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By yuuupyup - United States - Somerset

Today, while driving home, I realized I forgot my house key. Luckily, when I arrived home, someone had already broken into my house. Guess I didn't need the key. FML

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By PmS - United States

Today, I was going over to my friends house for dinner, (it was my birthday) when I walked in everyone yelled surprise and then turned on the lights. When my friend looked over at me she said "wrong person guys, turn off the lights". FML

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By Thatgirl112 - United States - Medina

Today, I went on a blind date. Things got hot and heavy, but when he pulled off my pants and saw the Pittsburgh Penguins logo on my thong he stopped and told me to get dressed and that he refused to sleep with the enemy. He was a die-hard Flyers fan. FML

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By oopsydaddy

Today, my dad asked my help with a computer problem. Whenever he logged on Facebook, every single advertisement appeared to be hardcore porn. I had to awkwardly explain that these ads are based on his browsing habits. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 14:00

Artistic licence

Today, after spending at least 4 hours drawing a realistic shadow of a vampire for a picture contest, I finally remembered that vampires aren't supposed to produce shadows. FML

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By mcdman - United States

Today, one of my employees lit my tie on fire. FML

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29869

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By Anonymous - Canada - Windsor

Today, I saw my girlfriend walking hand-in-hand down the street with another man. When I confronted her, she claimed she had no idea who I was, and the guy told me to beat it. Later on, she returned to our apartment and actually tried to act as if nothing had happened. FML

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By youdontknowmewhy - United States - Keller

Today, I was called a selfish brat for asking for a pillow as my birthday present. FML

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By missko519 - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I used a tanning bed for the first time ever, in an attempt to get a base tan for the summer. No one bothered to warn me that you shouldn't go the full ten minutes your first time. Now my skin is as red as my hair. FML

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19114

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By dealtit - United States - Toccoa

Today, I accidentally farted in the middle of class. Thinking I got away with it, I just kept doing my work until some kid across the room says, "I could have done better." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2020 07:08 - United Kingdom

Life is unfair…

Today, I was caught up in an armed robbery and after talking to the cops, my boss cut my pay for being 2 hours late. After I trudged home and told my parents, they are now forcing me to sleep in a tent in the garden, just in case the robber gave me COVID. FML

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By Quirk - United States

Today, in class, everyone read my Creative Writing submission. It was a touching story about the unconditional love that exists between dog and his owner. Everybody unanimously agreed that it was probably about bestiality. FML

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By soontobesingle - United Kingdom - Sherborne

Today, my husband called me, saying he was in the hospital with a friend who'd just broken his arm. Too bad I then heard a female voice in the background mutter, "She'll never buy that". FML

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By Frustrated - United States - Tustin

Nice neighborhood

Today, my neighbor's sons decided it would be funny to throw rocks at my house. I went outside to scold them and saw my other neighbors gathered around, watching. They didn't stop them because they thought I wasn't home. FML

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By Weirdo - United States

Today, I went to church for the first time in my life. They had a Jesus statue at the altar, and I noticed he was surprisingly muscular. Ten minutes later, I had to excuse myself, after I caught myself fantasizing over a crucified Jesus. FML

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By Markeesha - United States - Eaton

What happens in Vegas doesn't stay there?

Today, I got a letter from the state that I'm being divorced. I've never been married. FML

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By pathetic - Canada

Today, while getting ready for work I realized all my pants were getting a bit tight. When I got home from work I went in to the bathroom and stood on the scale which confirmed I have gained a few pounds. I then realized that I was eating while standing on the scale. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Truckee

Today, I took my daughter to the zoo, because she loves tigers. Correction: she used to love tigers, until one sprayed urine on her from a distance of four meters. FML

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By caempa - Australia

Today, I was taking my earrings out and thought I had lost the back of one. Turns out my ear infection has caused the flesh of my ear to grow around and engulf the back of my earring and it is still stuck in there. FML

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By Anonymous

Chocolate chip

Today, I was eating chocolate chip cookies around the house and saw a chocolate chip on the floor. Not wanting my dog to eat it, given that chocolate is poisonous for dogs, I swiped it up with my finger and put it to my mouth. It was then that I realized it was a stub of my dog's poop. FML

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By ohcrap - United States

Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML

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By scarlet5000 - United States

Today, there was a traffic accident on the highway which I normally take. I couldn't resist laughing at the driver since he was stupid enough to rear-end someone on the highway. What I didn't realize is that I forgot to pay attention to the road and rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By Jess - United States

Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML

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11327

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By Downinthedumps - United States - Flagstaff

Today, at my hotel, I spent over an hour dumpster diving trying to locate a pair of shorts for a spoiled brat that one of the cleaning staff accidentally threw away. When I finally found and returned them to the family, the father insisted they weren't the right ones. Spent all day smelling of trash. FML

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14218

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By Bug8Frog - United States - Anchorage

Today, I bought a device that plays a high-pitched sound to teach my dog to quit barking. She's smart enough to learn that as long as she barks loud enough and long enough, she can't hear it. Quite the opposite effect to what I was anticipating. FML

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47594

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By offended - United States

Today, I was putting the finishing touches on my portrait of a young boy in art class. I asked my teacher if she could help correct the bad parts of my portrait. She said, "Well that would take all day and I just don't have the time." She was serious. I thought this was my best work yet. FML

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By smellslikeahangover - United States - San Francisco

Today, while waiting for an interview at the career that I've been spending months tailoring my résumé for, I was thrown up on by my only competitor. Guess who got the job. FML

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By AndyAnonymous - United States

Today, I brought several bags of soda cans to the store to cash in. I hadn't shaved, and my coat had fur all over from my cat rubbing on it. The lady in front of me turned around, looked at my bags and me and said, "It's a lot of money people throw away, isn't it?" Apparently, I look homeless. FML

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By Nohouseforme - United States - Tempe

Today, I was house-hunting online. I was becoming increasingly discouraged and began to look for mini-houses in absurd desperation. I noticed the Google sidebar advertising a cute mini house within my budget. Excited, I clicked on the ad - only to discover it was an ad for a child's playhouse. FML

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By It's Something - United States - Toledo

Welcome to retail.

Today, I finally got a new job. Now, instead of dealing with trashy, rude young adults all day, I get to deal with self-entitled, berating old people all day. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

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Top comments

By SweetPotato | 0

#8057 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:03

Go him! Prostate stimulation is great for guys! Did he like it???

By jSOPURE | 3

#8061 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:10

Do unto others...

COMMENTS

By plingping | 0

#8056 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:03

hmmm - so what? it's not bad... ;)

chih | 0

#805420 - Thursday 28 January 2010 21:55

ummm... did you do it?

lamppost1423 | 0

#984947 - Monday 26 April 2010 3:39

what

áævxžöœøï

alyssaax3 | 0

#1038647 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 5:21

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Blame_The_Dog | 0

#1047355 - Monday 28 June 2010 20:12

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Sethlikesgirls | 0

#1087341 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 5:21

lol epic

beasting | 0

#1368496 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 7:41

well #27 u cant get AIDS from a strap on only a penis and vagina

yomama97 | 5

#1574100 - Wednesday 20 October 2010 0:01

ikr? my bf is bi and he wants
me too do it someday and I sed yes right away cuz it wudnt be too bad!!

aerosenna | 0

#1620780 - Friday 29 October 2010 13:14

ur bf is into some kinky shit

anon2468 | 0

#2258249 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 2:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

bradfo1989 | 1

#2674390 - Monday 13 June 2011 23:36

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By SweetPotato | 0

#8057 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:03

Go him! Prostate stimulation is great for guys! Did he like it???

emis145 | 2

#1054344 - Friday 2 July 2010 9:45

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By jSOPURE | 3

#8061 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:10

Do unto others...

yake12 | 0

#974705 - Monday 5 April 2010 21:25

LOL ^ epic win

calebg23 | 0

#983764 - Thursday 22 April 2010 21:53

win

Giants2797 | 0

#1535016 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 0:49

Hahahahaha

Farankusu | 0

#2041798 - Thursday 3 February 2011 19:24

as others do on to you...

By JuJuBeeSunshine | 0

#8066 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:14

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

coldasbrice | 3

#7402297 - Tuesday 31 January 2017 23:56

you're so ignorant it's not even funny

By vno_fml | 0

#8069 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:18

Wow, #12. How's life in the homophobic stereotype world?

SarahStarzz | 0

#2117330 - Thursday 24 February 2011 7:13

16 that just made my day hahaha
nd OP ur life doesn't suck , ur bf is a keeper

By King_of_Kings | 3

#8071 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:18

i say the ass is an exit. not an enterence.

michael419 | 0

#975347 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 0:08

agreed

waldoo37 | 8

#1080216 - Monday 12 July 2010 2:10

I don't agree!

bloc_partyyy | 3

#1486446 - Saturday 2 October 2010 17:26

amen

By JuJuBeeSunshine | 0

#8075 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:21

@ #14, Keep telling yourself that. I'm pretty sure that Clay Aiken told himself the same thing. Whatever helps you sleep at night. If you're a guy and you're getting bang in your poo hole, YOU'RE GAY! Do what you do; just keep it real.

coldasbrice | 3

#7402299 - Tuesday 31 January 2017 23:58

so the girl can take it up the ass but if the guy does it he's gay..? the anatomy of a male and female anus are exactly the same. she said they she had just gotten anal from him. Stop being such a judgmental prick

coldasbrice | 3

#7402300 - Tuesday 31 January 2017 23:58

By mleeb | 0

#8076 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Stephen_fml | 0

#8077 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:24

do it

By Amkii | 0

#8079 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:26

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

proud023 | 1

#1329998 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 22:24

It is a very narrow minded and stereotypical thing to say actually. Any sex can lead to HIV, which by the way is the proper term for infection, AIDS is a symptom of HIV not a disease itself. Consider this, the lead group of new HIV infections are actually women, from heterosexual encounters. HIV/AIDS is not a gay problem and continuing to associate it with gay sex is very offensive.