Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was...

By Picaresque - 26/2/2009 17:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML

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284984

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Intimacy

Noise

All for nothing

Toxic parents

By f-ugly - 25/3/2013 18:36 - United States

Today, I was freshening up my makeup in the car before a date. An old lady walked by and said through my open window, "Don't bother. There's no helping you, honey." FML

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By theawfulpresent - 30/1/2013 00:28 - United States - Germantown

Today, my boyfriend tried to hypnotize me into breaking up with him. FML

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By lifedamntough - 28/6/2009 11:49 - Singapore

Today, I took a shower after I finished typing an important essay I've been working on for days. My computer illiterate mum shut the computer down when I was gone, without saving a thing. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for "wasting electricity". FML

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By badplannning - 30/11/2015 04:55 - United States - Naperville

Today, my date suggested we go to 10:30 p.m. movie so we could "talk" in the car afterwards, when the parking lot was empty. Thus, at 1 a.m., I thought we were going to make out. However, he only asked where I get my car air freshener from, had me write down the scent, and then suggested we go home. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2015 21:35 - United Kingdom - Stourport

Today, I won a meal for two in a raffle. I had no one to go with. FML

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23935

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By Just keep the pins - 25/12/2016 17:50 - Sweden - Floda

Today, it's been 2 months since I broke up with my boyfriend. He's been texting me every time he found a bobby pin at his house that belonged to me, saying we should both see it as a sign of us belonging together. If he keeps this up every time he finds one, the texts will probably never stop. FML

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By Rotarius - 23/8/2012 18:09 - Canada - Toronto

Today, instead of staying home, I took an hour-long bus ride in the middle of the night to my girlfriend's place because on the phone she said, "I desperately need your body right now". It turned out she was just cold. She is also on her period. FML

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By Sirah90 - 7/5/2013 07:29 - United States

Today, my nose started running while in bed with my boyfriend. I kept trying to wipe it off with my arm to avoid ruining the moment. My boyfriend then looks up at me in horror. Turns out it wasn't mucus; it was blood. And it was all over his neck, his shirt, and his silk sheets. FML

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By buckid310 - 3/11/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, a woman evidently posted on a chat website asking for any young men to send pictures of their junk to her cell phone. Over 60 messages were sent, mostly by underage boys, most of them including the picture. Only problem. The number posted wasn't hers... It was mine. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

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By xYumix - 17/11/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I was late for an interview. Going into the elevator, a man ran up to the doors but since I was late, I pressed the "close" button. When I arrived to the office, the secretary asked me to wait. The boss walked in to interview me. The man whose face I closed the elevator doors on. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2012 01:41 - United States - Fairfax

Today, as I was walking home from work, I became the victim of a drive-by peanutting. Yes, apparently I'm only worth a bag of nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2015 02:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I got sick of my flatmate stealing my food so I decided to sabotage a leftover pizza with laxatives. I came back home later in the evening after a night of heavy drinking. Guess what I had to eat in my drunken stupor. FML

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By theynamedmeluke - 23/9/2013 22:49 - United States - Austin

Today, I found out I was adopted when my drunk dad made a terrible Star Wars joke. FML

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By mcmanager - 11/8/2014 14:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a fast food manager, I saw one of my employees "trying to pick the bugs out" of our cookies. They were the raisins in them. FML

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By anonymous - 28/12/2011 18:03 - Canada

Today, while driving home from basketball practice, I noticed an old lady struggling to get up from a fall. I stopped to help her up and make sure she was fine, and in the meantime, a teenager decided to hop into my car and crash it into a telephone pole and run away. FML

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By Thanks Santa - 17/12/2016 05:24

Today, 3 weeks after leaving my job, buying a larger car and moving to Ohio so my boyfriend could be near his family, he secretly drove my car and all my belongings back across several states just to break up with me. This was completely out of the blue while I was home visiting family for Christmas. FML

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By Ilikeurfmls - 6/9/2020 05:05

Delusions

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my parents I think I'm suffering from schizophrenia. They refused to discuss it after telling me, "It's all in my head." FML

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By FennFoxx - 21/3/2017 07:00 - United States - Cheraw

Today, I decided to take a relaxing bubble bath in my jacuzzi. I poured in the bubbles, turned on the jets, and got in. I realized too late that the jets had caused the bubbles to overflow and had made a huge mess in my bathroom. Relaxing, indeed. FML

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By hellishome - 29/9/2019 00:01

Dad priorities

Today, as he was going out, I asked my father if he stop by the store and buy some tampons for me and toilet paper for the house, because we have been out for the last 5 days. He came home with a 30-pack of beer and cigarettes instead. I just started my time of the month and we have no more money. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2011 02:20

Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2015 02:32 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, my new boyfriend and I really wanted to have sex, but he went soft as soon as he entered me. This happens every time we try. I feel cursed by my year-long dry spell. FML

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36651

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By Nancy - 8/7/2009 14:01

Today, I sat on an elevator for 10 minutes thinking I was stuck. After waiting awhile I looked at the screen to see what floor I was stuck on, only to realize I hadn't pressed a button so I had just stayed on the ground floor. FML

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By arghgffhdfg - 15/7/2012 00:22 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mother screamed at my brother for ages for playing a Nicki Minaj music video. She said it's "terrible, demonic garbage" that'll get us "spitroasted in Hell". I don't even disagree with the first part, but she does this kind of thing every single day when I get home from my night job. FML

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By Tottie - 24/6/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, by request from my new boss, I came into work over an hour early to finish some backed-up filing. This seemed like a great opportunity to earn some extra overtime pay. After spending an hour and half filing, I realized I hadn't clocked in for the day. FML

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By Icy - 25/10/2008 16:56

Lost

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2011 21:33 - United States

Today, I had to renew my driver's license at the DMV. Earlier, I was in a play and was still covered in stage makeup. I didn't realize that not all of it had come off until after my picture was taken and put on my new license. For the next three years, I'll be the guy with the dark eyeliner. FML

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By im_a_mocker - 28/1/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, I decided to make a toaster scramble. I thought it was bad enough when the pastry fell through the grate in the toaster over. Then it burst into flames. After 5 minutes of fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, it still went off. Now my entire dorm building is outside in a snowstorm. FML

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23214

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 06:25 - United States

Today, I got married. When my father gave me away, in front of hundreds of people, to my groom, he said, "She's your problem now." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2014 01:10 - United States - Dayton

Today, I never really thought that my boyfriend and brother having the same name was too weird. Until I called out his name during climax. FML

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By Lvdkinda - 18/6/2009 18:34 - United States

Today, after a month of planning, I started to tease my boyfriend of 3 years about the wonderful anniversary plans I had made for us. It was a secret, so I let him try and guess. He said "As long as its not a spa day. that would suck I would never go." It's a spa day. That I've already paid for. FML

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By scaredypants123 - 7/3/2014 15:41 - United States

Today, I was in bed staring at two red lights coming from my DVD player. They reminded me of the terminator movies, and I had to unplug it. I'm 23 years old and scared of The Terminator. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2015 14:19

Today, my elderly dad once again asked me to make a reservation at a restaurant for him and a younger woman he's been seeing. Meanwhile, I haven't had anything even approaching a real date in over a decade. FML

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By greenroses92 - 19/8/2019 12:00

Today, I was called stupid by a customer, after I supposedly got his order wrong. He then threw his ice cream cone on the floor, tracked it around the store, and left. While I was cleaning it up, he came back and tripped me right into the mop water, spilling it everywhere. FML

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By mass message - 16/10/2011 00:47 - Canada

Today, my mom left for a business trip. Thinking it was a good time to throw a party, I mass messaged everyone on my contact list. I thought it was going to be a success. The problem with this? My mom is on my contacts list. She replied "I'll be home in an hour. You're grounded." FML

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By nosleep - 29/12/2012 07:33 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend read online that oversleeping has been linked to strokes later in life. He's now taken it upon himself to protect me by making sure that I have as minimal sleep as possible. FML

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By confusedcatlover - 6/4/2013 11:42 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I walked in on my husband eating cat food out of the cat bowl dressed in a cat costume. FML

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57101

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By Foxy17 - 16/8/2020 20:01

Never engage with psychos

Today, in a convenience store, I asked a girl who wasn't wearing her mask and not keeping her distance to step away. After telling me to fuck off, she put her mask on, went to the teenage manager and said I was harassing her. Even after hearing my side of the story, I was asked to leave. Turns out it was his girlfriend. FML

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By Dumbass Dude - 24/5/2019 14:10

Today, I pulled into a parking lot, for the car to simply shut off because I ran out of gas. Then I couldn't get the key out of the ignition, so I called my dad, who walked all the way to where I was, only to find out that the car was still in drive. FML

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625

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By Unknown - 9/2/2010 05:50 - United States

Today, in art class, I tried to attract my crush's attention by slowly sitting down in front of him. Too bad I missed the chair and fell onto the floor. FML

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By Scared - 28/8/2020 05:03

Meet the parents

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Remember the show Honey Boo Boo? They seem sophisticated compared to the family of weirdoes I got to meet. It's almost got me reconsidering my planned proposal. FML

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Top comments

By SweetPotato | 0

#8057 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:03

Go him! Prostate stimulation is great for guys! Did he like it???

By jSOPURE | 3

#8061 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:10

Do unto others...

COMMENTS

By plingping | 0

#8056 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:03

hmmm - so what? it's not bad... ;)

chih | 0

#805420 - Thursday 28 January 2010 21:55

ummm... did you do it?

lamppost1423 | 0

#984947 - Monday 26 April 2010 3:39

what

áævxžöœøï

alyssaax3 | 0

#1038647 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 5:21

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Blame_The_Dog | 0

#1047355 - Monday 28 June 2010 20:12

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Sethlikesgirls | 0

#1087341 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 5:21

lol epic

beasting | 0

#1368496 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 7:41

well #27 u cant get AIDS from a strap on only a penis and vagina

yomama97 | 5

#1574100 - Wednesday 20 October 2010 0:01

ikr? my bf is bi and he wants
me too do it someday and I sed yes right away cuz it wudnt be too bad!!

aerosenna | 0

#1620780 - Friday 29 October 2010 13:14

ur bf is into some kinky shit

anon2468 | 0

#2258249 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 2:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

bradfo1989 | 1

#2674390 - Monday 13 June 2011 23:36

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By SweetPotato | 0

#8057 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:03

Go him! Prostate stimulation is great for guys! Did he like it???

emis145 | 2

#1054344 - Friday 2 July 2010 9:45

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By jSOPURE | 3

#8061 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:10

Do unto others...

yake12 | 0

#974705 - Monday 5 April 2010 21:25

LOL ^ epic win

calebg23 | 0

#983764 - Thursday 22 April 2010 21:53

win

Giants2797 | 0

#1535016 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 0:49

Hahahahaha

Farankusu | 0

#2041798 - Thursday 3 February 2011 19:24

as others do on to you...

By JuJuBeeSunshine | 0

#8066 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:14

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

coldasbrice | 3

#7402297 - Tuesday 31 January 2017 23:56

you're so ignorant it's not even funny

By vno_fml | 0

#8069 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:18

Wow, #12. How's life in the homophobic stereotype world?

SarahStarzz | 0

#2117330 - Thursday 24 February 2011 7:13

16 that just made my day hahaha
nd OP ur life doesn't suck , ur bf is a keeper

By King_of_Kings | 3

#8071 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:18

i say the ass is an exit. not an enterence.

michael419 | 0

#975347 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 0:08

agreed

waldoo37 | 8

#1080216 - Monday 12 July 2010 2:10

I don't agree!

bloc_partyyy | 3

#1486446 - Saturday 2 October 2010 17:26

amen

By JuJuBeeSunshine | 0

#8075 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:21

@ #14, Keep telling yourself that. I'm pretty sure that Clay Aiken told himself the same thing. Whatever helps you sleep at night. If you're a guy and you're getting bang in your poo hole, YOU'RE GAY! Do what you do; just keep it real.

coldasbrice | 3

#7402299 - Tuesday 31 January 2017 23:58

so the girl can take it up the ass but if the guy does it he's gay..? the anatomy of a male and female anus are exactly the same. she said they she had just gotten anal from him. Stop being such a judgmental prick

coldasbrice | 3

#7402300 - Tuesday 31 January 2017 23:58

By mleeb | 0

#8076 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Stephen_fml | 0

#8077 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:24

do it

By Amkii | 0

#8079 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:26

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

proud023 | 1

#1329998 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 22:24

It is a very narrow minded and stereotypical thing to say actually. Any sex can lead to HIV, which by the way is the proper term for infection, AIDS is a symptom of HIV not a disease itself. Consider this, the lead group of new HIV infections are actually women, from heterosexual encounters. HIV/AIDS is not a gay problem and continuing to associate it with gay sex is very offensive.