Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was...

By Picaresque - 26/02/2009 17:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 285 343

You deserved it 67 848

Intimacy

Vulture

Overreaction club

Signs

By Anonymous - 18/05/2012 22:20 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, my mother described what her ideal daughter-in-law should be like. Half-way through her description, fishing for some compliments, I told her that such a girl would be way above my league. She sighed and emphatically agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 537

You deserved it 9 724

By tallesttree54 - 11/11/2016 00:38

Today my boyfriend proposed to me and I gladly accepted. The first words out of his mouth after getting off his knees were, "I own you now!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 471

You deserved it 1 346

By herpderp - 11/02/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, someone in class was making a point about premarital intercourse - "90% of teen virgins aren't saving it for marriage, they just can't get any." Another classmate pointed me out specifically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 316

You deserved it 3 591

By MissAggravared - 19/11/2014 08:27 - United States - Meridian

Today, I met my sister's fiancé. I would have been happier for her if he hadn't been mine a month ago when I introduced them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 367

You deserved it 3 204

By melikeyturtles - 10/10/2011 04:13 - United States

Today, I went to work as a home health-aid, and found out that my client turns his hearing aid off on purpose because he can't stand my voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 492

You deserved it 4 753

By Sadwife - 06/10/2016 17:36 - United States - Pardeeville

Today, I had my wedding at 11 a.m. so that I could spend a lot of time with my friends and family. Everyone left within 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 088

You deserved it 1 957

The bed is lava

By for better or for farts - 06/08/2020 23:01

Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 295

You deserved it 181

By HT BaaFly - 07/09/2011 15:08 - United Kingdom

Today, after months of unemployment, my only social interaction was with my postman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 188

You deserved it 5 396

By Username - 18/10/2010 15:52 - France

Today, I was woken by the news that my car had been found, but was completely destroyed due to a fire. I didn't even know my car was missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 125

You deserved it 2 907

By rainyday - 12/02/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. I said that at least I was always there for him when he needed me. He said "When did I need you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 971

You deserved it 6 291

By newlyengaged - 08/01/2017 18:11 - United States - Atlanta

Today, my mother excitedly jumped up and down, announcing that one of her sweet younger coworkers got engaged. I wished she'd had the same reaction to my engagement when I announced it to her a few days earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 811

You deserved it 570

By Anonymous - 08/01/2013 05:20 - United States

Today, I got into an accident on my motorcycle. When I told my wife that the doctor said I couldn't have sex for two weeks, she couldn't contain her joy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 917

You deserved it 8 705

By Anonymous - 09/11/2009 20:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to find my garage broken into and my car covered in paint and with the words "F*** you". Why? I broke up with my ex because she cheated on me and stole money off me and my mom. Apparently this wasn't a good enough excuse to break her up with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 298

You deserved it 2 586

9 to 5, what a way to not make a living

By Anonymous - 28/08/2021 18:01 - Canada - Burlington

Today, I excitedly went to check this week's paycheck, only to see that I only received $9.00. This isn't a mistake, this is really what I make. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 146

By ballnchain - 30/03/2010 16:04 - United States

Today, my insanely jealous wife flipped out and made me promise never to hug any of my female friends or go to lunch with them, ever. It's "cheating." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 442

You deserved it 19 935

By syle - 13/11/2008 06:51 - France

Today, my son forgot to log out of MSN. He had written, "When am I getting out of this place?" and his username was "mother fucker". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 758

You deserved it 7 611

By Maddie110110 - 07/06/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend a long and heartfelt message. He responded with "tl; dr". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 137

You deserved it 6 674

By upset room mate - 18/08/2011 06:59 - United States

Today, after our old roommate left because he was too dirty for us to live with anymore, we found out that our new roommate has "borrowed" our shampoo, towel, toilet paper, liquor, without replacing them. I wish we still only had to clean up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 028

You deserved it 4 281

By nickern - 08/02/2012 00:13 - Australia

Today, I was willing to sit behind a truck doing 10km/h just to hear an interview with Robbie Williams on the radio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 492

You deserved it 22 932

By Anonymous - 13/08/2019 12:00 - United States

Today, I went to visit my grandmother. My grandfather recently died, so I had gotten her a cat for comfort. Turns out in her sadness, she had forgotten about the cat. I found its remains being eaten by ants and birds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 845

You deserved it 406

By Deedee - 28/03/2017 00:00

Today, 15 minutes before the end of the day, my boss asked me who I was training to replace me. He then said never mind, that it was his job to choose someone. I hadn't indicated that I was planning on leaving the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 916

You deserved it 236

By NestHead - 01/10/2013 17:32 - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 020

You deserved it 5 852

By deli Shoppe - 27/06/2012 04:39 - United States - Vallejo

Today, I went to the bookstore and saw a stunning girl reading. I walked over and picked up a book, thinking our two books were the same category, hence a good conversation starter. She looked at me, and I pointed at my book and smiled. After that, she left. It was a sex position book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 356

You deserved it 38 440

Harry Pothead

By Anonymous - 21/10/2021 17:02 - Canada - North York

Today, my husband said he wouldn't be talking to me for weeks, because I didn't buy him weed. Yeah, I paid all the bills and the rent this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 970

You deserved it 171

By quasimodo - 22/02/2010 21:24 - United States

Today, we were drawing self-portraits in school. I'm horrible at art, so I turned to the person next to me and stated that mine looked really ugly. He replied saying, "No, it looks exactly like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 689

You deserved it 6 796

By scooter922 - 15/07/2012 07:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got home from the hospital after I burned my hand. Why? I dropped my phone in the pot while stirring hot soup, and I reached in to get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 202

You deserved it 39 507

By Toothless - 07/10/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I was eating ice cream and struggling to chew a particularly hard chunk of chocolate. After finally breaking it into pieces, I spat it out because it tasted terrible. Then I discovered that I was missing my temporary crown. Now I have no upper molar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 054

You deserved it 6 376

Cooked

By That Person - 14/09/2016 00:11 - Australia - Coolbellup

Today, I missed out on my first cooking lesson because I was an hour late. I cannot go to the rest of them because if you don't attend the first class then you are not allowed to attend the rest. I just spent $70 on a cooking course that I won't be able to attend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 235

You deserved it 12 047

By wordmalfunction - 25/05/2009 21:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I was preparing a dinner for some business associates, in hopes of closing the deal on a promotion. I emailed them with the menu, in case there were any allergies. Hours later, I checked the email again to find that instead of serving the Roast Duck I would be serving the Roast Fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 092

You deserved it 44 719

One night

By Anonymous - 25/01/2020 01:00 - Sweden - ?ngelholm

Today, I woke up from putting my child to bed. Drowsy, I stumbled down to the kitchen to make a mug cookie. I read a recipe on my phone, and put a knob of butter in a cup to melt in the microwave. I put my phone in the microwave and turned it on for 30 seconds, and didn't realize until I smelt burning plastic.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 767

You deserved it 850

By chipmunk - 29/10/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of seven years dumped me because he said my cheeks getting way too fat for his taste and he didn't want to be with a chipmunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 631

You deserved it 7 644

By nomorenakedpicsplease - 07/07/2013 05:21 - Canada - Leduc

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend gives out my number to guys who ask for hers. Let's just say that I'll never be able to unsee the pictures that were sent to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 321

You deserved it 5 265

By llostinreality - 30/09/2018 07:00 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, the blinker on my car was broken so I decided to play it safe and drive a different car to work. I guess it wouldn’t have mattered which car I drove, as the cop nicely told me one of the headlights was out when he pulled me over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 956

You deserved it 362

Thanks, I hate it!

By JacksWag4 - 16/08/2013 22:21 - United States - Romulus

Today, I attended the reading of my grandfather's last will and testament. My parents, as well as my brothers and sister, all inherited a nice sum of money. I got 69 cents, because, "young Jack always was an immature little shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 431

You deserved it 21 548

Caught in 4K

By DonDonDon - 27/06/2021 06:01

Today, I found out that sharing Apple ID’s with your iPhone and your wife’s iPad is a bad idea. She might receive the texts and nude pictures between you and your side chick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 166

You deserved it 6 606

By iheartkanye - 30/06/2019 20:01

Today, my little sister was rhyming words with "truck." When she came to "fuck", I told her never to say that word again because it was bad. She ran around the house screaming it. I'm in trouble for being "a bad influence." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 623

You deserved it 204

By socialdisease - 22/08/2011 15:58 - United States

Today, my house got egged. Why? As a joke, my friend bought me a doormat that says, "A Canadian Lives Here." I'm Canadian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 739

You deserved it 5 090

By dickface - 01/04/2016 01:52 - United States - Lewisburg

Today, the cut on my face from getting hit with a baseball healed. It's left a dick-shaped scar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 210

You deserved it 1 548

By killme - 13/12/2018 14:00

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me saying I don’t make her happy, I don’t make her laugh, that she feels she is settling for me and that she is not being pleased sexually. Even though she has always said I did all of that and that we could work through anything. I was going to propose... FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 027

You deserved it 331

By Anonymous - 27/08/2009 19:28 - United States

Today, I lazily answered the door in my pajamas. It was my elderly neighbor asking to borrow a can opener. Despite the strange and unwarranted scowl she was giving me I obliged. It wasn't until after she had left that I notice my penis was completely sticking out through the flap in my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 889

You deserved it 21 549

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Top comments

jSOPURE 3

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Thursday 26 February 2009 23:10

Do unto others...

SweetPotato 0

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Thursday 26 February 2009 23:03

Go him! Prostate stimulation is great for guys! Did he like it???

plingping 0

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Thursday 26 February 2009 23:03

hmmm - so what? it's not bad... ;)

chih 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 21:55

ummm... did you do it?

lamppost1423 0

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Monday 26 April 2010 3:39

what áævxžöœøï

alyssaax3 0

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Tuesday 22 June 2010 5:21

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Blame_The_Dog 0

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Monday 28 June 2010 20:12

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Sethlikesgirls 0

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 5:21

lol epic

beasting 0

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Wednesday 8 September 2010 7:41

well #27 u cant get AIDS from a strap on only a penis and vagina

yomama97 5

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Wednesday 20 October 2010 0:01

ikr? my bf is bi and he wants me too do it someday and I sed yes right away cuz it wudnt be too bad!!

aerosenna 0

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Friday 29 October 2010 13:14

ur bf is into some kinky shit

anon2468 0

Tuesday 29 March 2011 2:07

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bradfo1989 1

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Monday 13 June 2011 23:36

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SweetPotato 0

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Thursday 26 February 2009 23:03

Go him! Prostate stimulation is great for guys! Did he like it???

emis145 2

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Friday 2 July 2010 9:45

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jSOPURE 3

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Thursday 26 February 2009 23:10

Do unto others...

yake12 0

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Monday 5 April 2010 21:25

LOL ^ epic win

calebg23 0

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Thursday 22 April 2010 21:53

win

Giants2797 0

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Tuesday 12 October 2010 0:49

Hahahahaha

Farankusu 0

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Thursday 3 February 2011 19:24

as others do on to you...

JuJuBeeSunshine 0

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Thursday 26 February 2009 23:14

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coldasbrice 3

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Tuesday 31 January 2017 23:56

you're so ignorant it's not even funny

vno_fml 0

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Thursday 26 February 2009 23:18

Wow, #12. How's life in the homophobic stereotype world?

SarahStarzz 0

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Thursday 24 February 2011 7:13

16 that just made my day hahaha nd OP ur life doesn't suck , ur bf is a keeper

King_of_Kings 3

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Thursday 26 February 2009 23:18

i say the ass is an exit. not an enterence.

michael419 0

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Wednesday 7 April 2010 0:08

agreed

waldoo37 8

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Monday 12 July 2010 2:10

I don't agree!

bloc_partyyy 3

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Saturday 2 October 2010 17:26

amen

JuJuBeeSunshine 0

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Thursday 26 February 2009 23:21

@ #14, Keep telling yourself that. I'm pretty sure that Clay Aiken told himself the same thing. Whatever helps you sleep at night. If you're a guy and you're getting bang in your poo hole, YOU'RE GAY! Do what you do; just keep it real.

coldasbrice 3

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Tuesday 31 January 2017 23:58

so the girl can take it up the ass but if the guy does it he's gay..? the anatomy of a male and female anus are exactly the same. she said they she had just gotten anal from him. Stop being such a judgmental prick

coldasbrice 3

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Tuesday 31 January 2017 23:58

mleeb 0

Thursday 26 February 2009 23:22

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Stephen_fml 0

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Thursday 26 February 2009 23:24

do it

Amkii 0

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Thursday 26 February 2009 23:26

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proud023 1

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 22:24

It is a very narrow minded and stereotypical thing to say actually. Any sex can lead to HIV, which by the way is the proper term for infection, AIDS is a symptom of HIV not a disease itself. Consider this, the lead group of new HIV infections are actually women, from heterosexual encounters. HIV/AIDS is not a gay problem and continuing to associate it with gay sex is very offensive.