Intimacy: Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was...

Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter than his and that at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. Then he said yeah, I just wish that your vag was the same way. FML

By FML Team

Cyanide & Happiness' month: part three

Bonjour tout le monde ! Yes, today we're half french because it's the Cannes Film Festival week, so sunshine, movie stars and champagne...

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By FMluck / Thursday 26 February 2009 22:11 / United States

Intimacy

Late term

Always ask for documentation

Freshman blues

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 09:32 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Insane parents, part 38765

Today, my mum vented her anger on me by shattering my mouse on the floor, taking my keyboard and nearly ripping out my monitor. At least a spare mouse and the on screen keyboard are better than nothing. This hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

764

You deserved it

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By Today

Boo!

Today, in my school's rugby grand final, I had to take a penalty kick to win the game. Possibly the easiest kick I've taken all year. I stuff it up, and it completely missed. A crowd of 2000 people laughed, and later booed me off the field. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1487

You deserved it

326

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By bacon lovers worst nightmare - United States - San Diego

Today, I heard of an inevitable world-wide bacon shortage on the news. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33036

You deserved it

5832

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By Anonymous - Egypt - Cairo

Today, my boyfriend sat me down for a "confession". His confession consisted of him saying that "women are like a bag of chips," and that while you can love the smokey BBQ flavor, every once in a while you just have to go for some salt and vinegar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30706

You deserved it

2409

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a paper cut from a 'get well soon' card. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41429

You deserved it

5671

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By caaarl - United Kingdom - Hemel Hempstead

Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43920

You deserved it

6514

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, a drunk man started yelling at the lamppost outside my house, demanding to be let inside, all while my neighbors watched. That man is my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30254

You deserved it

2450

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By kentrm - United States - Atlanta

Today, I was sitting down in the hallway at school. As I tried to get up, I lost my balance and fell against a hand sanitizer dispenser. It then continued to squirt sanitizer all over the back of my shirt, drenching the whole left side. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10932

You deserved it

1407

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By breyn - United States

Today, while working at my salon, I was cutting an older gentleman's hair. When he got up to leave, everyone noticed he had clearly pissed his pants. I felt bad for him until he laughed and said, "Here's your tip, have fun cleaning that up." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35453

You deserved it

2419

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By dining - United States - Grinnell

Today, at my dining job, my boss told me the food was "technically illegal to serve," air quotes and all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36891

You deserved it

2914

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2020 08:00

Money Money Money

Today, as I was coming out of McDonald's, there was a street musician playing outside. He had his saxophone case open for money. I meant to give him a ten, and it wasn't until I got home later that I realized I'd accidentally given him a hundred-dollar bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

701

You deserved it

1532

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By Augh. - United States

Today, I discovered that the school I transferred from last year is closing. All the people that I so happily escaped from and left behind at that school will now be flocking to my new school senior year. Faaaantastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42188

You deserved it

3617

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By embarrassed2 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tickled me. In between laughs, I warned him that I was going to pee myself. He didn't believe me. After I actually did, he suggested we use a "safety word" from now on so that he will know when I'm being serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30840

You deserved it

4760

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By Shaun - United States

Today, I rode my bike to work. While biking on the road, I gave a hand signal for turning left. A car passing the opposite way veered towards me and attempted to give me a high five. I now have cuts all over my body and my bike is in two pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks

88204

You deserved it

6137

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By scewable - United States

Today, after getting dumped by my boyfriend, I tried to find comfort in one of my closest friends. He embraced me while I struggled against tears, and after a few moments of silence said, "Hey, you know what? I would fuck you anytime. Anytime." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38992

You deserved it

10013

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to go meet my new upstairs neighbor, only to find out nobody actually moved in. The noises that have been coming from up there were made by rats. Lots of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32579

You deserved it

2356

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By Anonymous

Today, getting home from a long day at work, I checked the mail and saw 3 envelopes from the IRS. Apparently I now owe over $4,000. I only have $2 in my bank account. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2530

You deserved it

388

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By bdsam

Yuck.

Today, I found out that the sleeping mask I'd been using for months was actually part of a BDSM kit. I found the rest of it in my dad's room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4316

You deserved it

1211

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By fataldisease - France

Today, my son laughed at me when I tried to get him to put a bit more effort into his schoolwork. His grandmother had kindly given him all my shitty school reports from when I was his age. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25929

You deserved it

7523

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while driving, I realized I had left my phone on top of my car when I was getting in. Panicking, I drove back to look for it. I found it in the middle of the street, still intact. Yay! When I went back to my car, I noticed I had locked my door. And the keys were in the ignition. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18075

You deserved it

38476

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I arrived home to find my cat dead and note saying, "Sorry, I tripped over him." Not only is my cat dead, but I was robbed by a polite thief. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61714

You deserved it

3097

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By nicedoggy - United States - Nixa

Today, I came home from college to find my favorite silk nightie that I had left behind being modeled by Bernie, the family dog. Nobody will admit to who put it on him. I don't know what's worse, that my family is a bunch of assholes, or that my nightie is big enough to fit a Saint Bernard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24192

You deserved it

3931

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By sad fat drunk - 25/5/2020 05:00

Boozehound

Today, I realized that my one and only motivation to lose weight was the fact that it would take less alcohol to get me blitzed if I didn’t weigh as much. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1083

You deserved it

419

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By CatBlock - United States - Decatur

Today, me and my boyfriend were having sex. As we were getting into it, his cat came into the room, sat, and stared us down with what looked like disapproving eyes. After 5 minutes had gone by, we stopped completely. A cat just cock blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54043

You deserved it

7935

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By BadStuden - Canada

Today, I did a 3 hour long assignment for school. I was bored so I gave it the title "F***ing Assignment for a F***ing Teacher." I went downstairs only to discover that the printer was out of ink. So I sent it to her email, then I realized that I didn't change the title. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9783

You deserved it

58855

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 16-year-old son broke two of his fingers playing with Play-Doh. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51916

You deserved it

5258

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting on the bus when a good looking girl accidentally brushed her ass up against my shoulder as she walked past. This only made me realize that this has been the closest I've come to touching a girls ass in over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31397

You deserved it

6195

Favorite

By Unhappymothersday - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to the sound of my car being stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28421

You deserved it

2150

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By ihavenothing - United States

Today, my mom told me that she was selling my favorite thing in the world, my trombone. The only thing that I'm good at is the trombone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37642

You deserved it

5253

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By Jbheller - United States - Mountain Top

Today, after resigning from my current job, I was let go from the new job I hadn't even started yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33280

You deserved it

3107

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By mini matthylde - France - Nantes

Today, I'm 4ft9 "tall" and I always have trouble reaching things that are high up. It's my birthday, and I got three footstools as gifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25101

You deserved it

2981

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By unknown - United States

Today, I was driving to a blind date my friend set me up on. Feeling pretty excited, I started singing to Katy Perry. I look over to see a man laughing at me, I flipped him the bird and drove off. Little did I know, he was my date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14613

You deserved it

37567

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By Misunderstood Waitress - United States

Today, I was waitressing for a huge family. Their bill was $750. Excited about the tip, I was shocked to see only $0.50. As they were leaving, I threw the two whole quarters at their heads. Guess who also got fired today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21676

You deserved it

49644

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By nightmarestonite - Canada

Today, I was admiring a beautiful painting I had hung in my bedroom. My brother kindly pointed out that when flipped upside down, it takes the shape of a lunatic girl with bleeding eyes. Now I can't unsee it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43233

You deserved it

4286

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2021 11:01

Happy New Year!

Today, my New Year’s Eve consisted of four things: being home alone, drinking cheap alcohol out of a tooth mug, getting an upset stomach from that, then going to bed early with ear plugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

632

You deserved it

198

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By Owned - Taiwan

Today, me and a friend I met in the club were sandwiching this blonde girl dancing, when 5 minutes later she turned around and said that I should get another girl and gently brushed me aside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7893

You deserved it

28196

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By nocatlover - United States

Today, I woke up to the news that my son had put the cat in the dryer the night before. He didn't turn it on, and the cat is just fine, but now I need a new dryer so my clothes won't smell like cat urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31617

You deserved it

3372

Favorite

By SFBEL - Belgium - Leuven

Today, after being a resident DJ at a local club for over 4 years, I got fired. Not because I'm bad at what I do, but because my boss thinks I'm not 'having fun like the other DJs'. And by 'having fun' he means that I don't drink enough. I got fired for not being an alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32575

You deserved it

2125

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. My boyfriend is no fan of fatherhood, so it was with some hesitation that I called him and let him know I'm pregnant. He replied, "Like hell you are!" and hung up. He now refuses to answer any of my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44719

You deserved it

10791

Favorite

By EMTGirl'sLife - United States - Basking Ridge

Today, I responded to an emergency call for an intoxicated 83-year-old man with chest pains. As I leaned forward to check his lung sounds, he groped my chest and said, "Nice rack". I just wanted to see if he had difficulty breathing. I don't even get paid for this, I'm a volunteer for the town. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34470

You deserved it

2812

Favorite

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Top comments

By greatnt249 | 0

#8267 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:57

This is why you don't dish out hate when you aren't prepared to take it in return.

By emmalover | 0

#8261 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:53

u shud prob shave then

COMMENTS

By emmalover | 0

#8261 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:53

u shud prob shave then

Philosophic | 0

#830394 - Saturday 6 February 2010 15:50

I hate girls with nasty vag-hair. Get a frigging douchebag and a razor, and cut the frigging rug. That's just nasty.. YDI

GiddyXD | 0

#985950 - Tuesday 27 April 2010 12:44

soap it and cut gurrl!

TheVanGirlsing | 0

#994827 - Sunday 16 May 2010 0:06

ohh. nice. now i got blue waffle on my mind..thanks...

illustration is PERFECT. its an fml for both em. kris from explosm is AWESOME! best comic artist in history, easily...

anyone who disagrees can go fuck a cow and blow a bull.

LightWater | 0

#995414 - Sunday 16 May 2010 11:55

This ^

lets_be_ian | 5

#996980 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 20:57

a cow and a bull... at the same time?

Drakanaa | 0

#996982 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 21:26

One in the front, one in the back.

empress1750 | 0

#1022470 - Monday 7 June 2010 8:03

aaaahahahahahaha!!!

slushpup9696 | 12

#2401814 - Monday 25 April 2011 9:47

119 win on several levels.

By greatnt249 | 0

#8267 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:57

This is why you don't dish out hate when you aren't prepared to take it in return.

By jesusjr | 0

#8269 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:57

burn!

reptileguy1296 | 0

#2903597 - Saturday 16 July 2011 5:59

damn straight!

By xXxRandiexXx | 0

#8273 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:59

lmfao #4
xD

By demothe7 | 0

#8275 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:59

ya, shave that belt line mustache

By King_of_Kings | 3

#8277 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:59

yeast infection.

By TheSkaAssassin | 0

#8281 - Friday 27 February 2009 3:04

ice cold

6969awesome | 0

#986979 - Saturday 1 May 2010 15:44

ha fat!

mr_erotic32 | 0

#1740238 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 15:48

Haha Fat

Emmy_The_Great | 2

#2386130 - Friday 22 April 2011 1:55

Unnecessarily making fun of someone?Wow, you guys are cool. Especially with names like "mr_erotica" and a name starting with "6969". Wish I were that cool.

By BeautyAndBrains | 0

#8287 - Friday 27 February 2009 3:07

LOL, that sucks.

michelleJ11 | 25

#5627821 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:14

If only there was a button for that ..

Oh wait.

By Lotus_Eater | 0

#8292 - Friday 27 February 2009 3:23

RepHresh!

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#8303 - Friday 27 February 2009 3:36

STANKY ZING!