Intimacy: Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was...

Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter than his and that at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. Then he said yeah, I just wish that your vag was the same way. FML

By FML Team

Cyanide & Happiness' month: part three

Bonjour tout le monde ! Yes, today we're half french because it's the Cannes Film Festival week, so sunshine, movie stars and champagne...

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By FMluck / Thursday 26 February 2009 22:11 / United States

Intimacy

Triage

Laundry drama

In the zone

By Anonymous - Canada - Mississauga

Today, trying to be funny in front of some friends, I held my cat above my head Lion King style. The height must have made him nervous, because he shat on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30824

You deserved it

54794

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By fckdsamaritan - Tunisia

Today, I helped a man with a neck brace get on the bus. I fell asleep, only to wake up later on to him gratuitously stroking my breasts with his elbow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32285

You deserved it

4320

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By bruised - United States - Jacksonville Beach

Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26896

You deserved it

1936

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By pvtcab - United States

Today, my roommate and I had to pay our first installment of rent. He's nowhere to be found. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31008

You deserved it

3031

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By oldskoolgrl - United States

Today, I was denied acceptance to The University of Georgia. I was down all day so I decided to go to a party my friend was throwing. Thinking it would cheer me up, as soon as I arrive all I see is colleges on shirts, hats, and sweatshirts, most being UGA. It was a college acceptance party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62962

You deserved it

7841

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By jadalaheart - United States - Citrus Heights

Distant love

Today, for the first time in more than two years, a guy asked me out. Too bad he lives halfway around the world. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1708

You deserved it

181

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By MB - United States

Today, I called a friend of mine who was recently in an accident. She told me that the head trauma has caused her to lose all sense of smell and taste. To try and cheer her up, I suggested I take her out to lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10763

You deserved it

33953

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By NotSoAnon - United States

Today, I was painting my room. I told my mom not to open the door because I was on a ladder just behind it, with a paint can perched atop. She barged in to ask me what I'd said. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35281

You deserved it

5034

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wakefield

You made them use coasters, Monica

Today, I was checking my friends' posts on Facebook and all of them were complaining what a boring night they had. They were all just at my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1456

You deserved it

179

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By camp - United States

Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She's sending me to bible camp. FML

I agree, your life sucks

80903

You deserved it

27558

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, my friend and I decided to go skinny-dipping in her pool just after we'd finished watching a scary movie. While we were in the pool, I heard something move in the bushes so I freaked out and ran onto the deck, slipping and falling flat on my back. Her dad saw the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15388

You deserved it

37029

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By The captain - Canada

Today, I found out what it's like to get brain-freeze while recovering from a head injury. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28361

You deserved it

4637

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By kaitlyna15 - United States - Bellevue

Today, while life-guarding, I had to explain to teenage boys that shoving objects up each others' butts and complaining that someone was giving them anal was inappropriate at a family facility in front of kids under the age of 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27894

You deserved it

1787

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By 117halo12345 - United States - Sedgewickville

Today, I was showing my 4 year old some of my fire magic tricks. I ended up getting 2nd degree burns on my left hand and burnt off half of her hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12254

You deserved it

21610

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By jjs51 - United States

Today, I was driving back home with my family. I had to sit quietly for half an hour, all while pretending I didn't notice my sister playing with herself under the coat on her lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47160

You deserved it

3862

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By anonymous - United States - Levittown

Today, I fell asleep on the couch. My parents didn't wake me up, went to bed and set our burglar alarm. If I trip a motion sensor, a siren will go off. The motion sensor in my living room is pointed directly at me and I have to pee. It's been 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36384

You deserved it

4400

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife of 6 years came out as a lesbian. I moved out of state and away from family to start a new life with her. Turns out she's attracted to my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5797

You deserved it

354

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By facepalm - United States

Today, my dad's conspiracy theory obsession hit a new level of stupidity when he blurted "false flag" because our toaster stopped working. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36176

You deserved it

3108

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By TacoMan32 - Canada

Today, after months of unemployment, I finally started at a new job. The building burnt down on my very first shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11072

You deserved it

617

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By notahomewrecker - United States

Today, I got a call from the guy I'd been seeing for a few weeks. It was his wife calling to find out what was going on with us. He told me he was separated. He left his kids home alone to hook up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31785

You deserved it

4998

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By pain - Japan

Today, I realized explosive diarrhea can happen, and at the most inopportune times, such as on the day of MY wedding. At the alter while my husband said his vows. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60338

You deserved it

3262

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my wife of 5 years has decided to change everything: job, clothes, hair style, car, and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35155

You deserved it

3044

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By A_W

Today, in desperate need of cash to get me by until payday, I decided to pawn one of my nicer possessions, a Coach purse. Today, I learned that counterfeiters are getting a lot better at their profession. Now I have no money AND a fake purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3050

You deserved it

595

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By missy - Italy

Today, I was riding on a stationary exercise bike at home, when I went to get off, my shorts got stuck under the seat. I dangled half upside down until my shorts ripped and I fell on the ground face first breaking my front tooth. I broke my tooth riding a bike that doesn’t even move. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61538

You deserved it

9560

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By AFH2O - United States - Visalia

Today, I got chewed out by a parent for putting her kid underwater. I teach swim lessons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46440

You deserved it

3867

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By acincollege - United States

Today, I jokingly told my mom that I was having sex with my Professor. Her response was, "As long as you're getting A's, honey!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

32412

You deserved it

52854

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By anerdmom

Today, while dropping my son off at the bus stop before school, I went to give him a kiss on the cheek. Then, before I was able to make contact, he jumped away, yelled "PSYCH!!!!" as loud as he could, and jumped on the bus. The kids all laughed at me and the other parents looked embarrassed for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2821

You deserved it

335

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By oh no - Canada - Montreal

Today, I went to the grocery store with my boyfriend. I wasn't feeling well so I wasn't paying too much attention to his usual antics. Since he thought I was ignoring him, he decided to grab me roughly by the stomach to give me a hug. I ended up puking right in the middle of the aisle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34375

You deserved it

3440

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By fml - United States - Huntsville

Really!

Today, after receiving our marriage certificate, I told my wife about it. She responded with "fml". FML

I agree, your life sucks

1749

You deserved it

225

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By Mike - United States

Today, my parents told me I was conceived at Disneyworld. Monday, I take a class trip to Disneyworld. My friends will be having fun and all I'll be able to think about is my parents having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22578

You deserved it

5228

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By Ihatepants - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I had a full day of work, a social event, and a doctor's appointment. My son looked at me when I got home and said, "Are your pants on backwards?" Yes, yes they were. All day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14852

You deserved it

2206

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a drunk driver drove his car through my mailbox. He got pissed, started yelling, and threatened to sue me for "putting the mailbox in the middle of the road". If my front lawn is a road, I'm going to have some serious issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45311

You deserved it

2737

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By boring - New Zealand

Today, I fell asleep and dreamed that I had won $500,000. In my dream, I used this money to buy a new MP3 Player, and then put the rest in a term deposit. Even in my dreams, I'm the most boring person I know. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33661

You deserved it

7953

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By jsw029 - United States

Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. Turns out he already came. I call his phone - wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

83805

You deserved it

20821

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By Amaaaaaaaaaanda - 17/2/2021 00:30

The Based Family

Today, my temporarily unemployed husband had a brain wave. I'm five months pregnant and we have a 4-year-old. He thinks we should start a family vlog on YouTube, so we can get rich. I hate those awful family vlogs with a passion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

786

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that the electricity company can just show up unannounced and cut off my power, but cannot find the meter for a whole 10 days to switch it on again. It's currently dark and 7°C in my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4932

You deserved it

454

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By ugly - United States

Today, a total stranger on the bus called me hideous and threw a soda in my face. I only asked him if the seat next to him was taken. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37089

You deserved it

3494

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By wow - United States

Industrial logs

Today, I took a massive dump at work and clogged the industrial toilet. Since I used the unisex one at the end of the hall, I watched my super hot coworker walk in after me. And then she ran out immediately. Everyone had seen me walk out before her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19456

You deserved it

36792

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By Stan017

Fast and Furious 17: Hot cross buns in the city

Today, I'm fasting for Lent. I'm a copywriter and my current client is a food company. I have to research about, and look at pictures of food all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4690

You deserved it

1446

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By scared2poop - Australia - Brighton

Today, like many other days, I drove 15 minutes away from my girlfriend's house to poop at the local McDonald's, because I'm too scared of her roommates hearing my extreme noise terror. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17287

You deserved it

3734

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Top comments

By greatnt249 | 0

#8267 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:57

This is why you don't dish out hate when you aren't prepared to take it in return.

By emmalover | 0

#8261 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:53

u shud prob shave then

COMMENTS

By emmalover | 0

#8261 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:53

u shud prob shave then

Philosophic | 0

#830394 - Saturday 6 February 2010 15:50

I hate girls with nasty vag-hair. Get a frigging douchebag and a razor, and cut the frigging rug. That's just nasty.. YDI

GiddyXD | 0

#985950 - Tuesday 27 April 2010 12:44

soap it and cut gurrl!

TheVanGirlsing | 0

#994827 - Sunday 16 May 2010 0:06

ohh. nice. now i got blue waffle on my mind..thanks...

illustration is PERFECT. its an fml for both em. kris from explosm is AWESOME! best comic artist in history, easily...

anyone who disagrees can go fuck a cow and blow a bull.

LightWater | 0

#995414 - Sunday 16 May 2010 11:55

This ^

lets_be_ian | 5

#996980 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 20:57

a cow and a bull... at the same time?

Drakanaa | 0

#996982 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 21:26

One in the front, one in the back.

empress1750 | 0

#1022470 - Monday 7 June 2010 8:03

aaaahahahahahaha!!!

slushpup9696 | 12

#2401814 - Monday 25 April 2011 9:47

119 win on several levels.

By greatnt249 | 0

#8267 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:57

This is why you don't dish out hate when you aren't prepared to take it in return.

By jesusjr | 0

#8269 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:57

burn!

reptileguy1296 | 0

#2903597 - Saturday 16 July 2011 5:59

damn straight!

By xXxRandiexXx | 0

#8273 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:59

lmfao #4
xD

By demothe7 | 0

#8275 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:59

ya, shave that belt line mustache

By King_of_Kings | 3

#8277 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:59

yeast infection.

By TheSkaAssassin | 0

#8281 - Friday 27 February 2009 3:04

ice cold

6969awesome | 0

#986979 - Saturday 1 May 2010 15:44

ha fat!

mr_erotic32 | 0

#1740238 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 15:48

Haha Fat

Emmy_The_Great | 2

#2386130 - Friday 22 April 2011 1:55

Unnecessarily making fun of someone?Wow, you guys are cool. Especially with names like "mr_erotica" and a name starting with "6969". Wish I were that cool.

By BeautyAndBrains | 0

#8287 - Friday 27 February 2009 3:07

LOL, that sucks.

michelleJ11 | 25

#5627821 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:14

If only there was a button for that ..

Oh wait.

By Lotus_Eater | 0

#8292 - Friday 27 February 2009 3:23

RepHresh!

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#8303 - Friday 27 February 2009 3:36

STANKY ZING!