Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was...

Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter than his and that at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. Then he said yeah, I just wish that your vag was the same way. FML

By FML Team - 14/5/2010 11:57

Cyanide & Happiness' month: part three

Bonjour tout le monde ! Yes, today we're half french because it's the Cannes Film Festival week, so sunshine, movie stars and champagne...

Favorite

By FMluck / Thursday 26 February 2009 22:11 / United States

Intimacy

Instadrama

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Deep-seated resentment

By julian1 - 19/8/2015 11:34 - United States - Orlando

Today, I decided to sunbathe in my backyard in an attempt to be healthy. The result? Insect bites over my body. Somehow, despite being fully clothed the entire time, my scrotum also received several bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18981

You deserved it

10487

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By cheekymonkey97 - 24/10/2016 16:48

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend whilst straddled on top of him. He started to undo my bra. I was fine with this but he stopped kissing me and looked at me with a slight smile. He then said, "I know this is going to kill the mood... but I feel like I could milk your boobs right now" FML

I agree, your life sucks

12315

You deserved it

1385

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/6/2019 16:00

Today, I woke up with really sore abs; not from working out at the gym, but because I've been coughing for 3 days straight and nothing is helping. Now every time I cough, it physically hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1429

You deserved it

113

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/7/2009 17:50 - United States

Today, I was at the doctors getting a pap smear and she asked if it was alright if a doctor in training could come in to observe. I was already laying on the table with my feet in the stirups so everything was in plain sight. When the man came in to observe I looked up to see my brother in law. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53533

You deserved it

2863

Favorite

By dust - 27/1/2012 06:54 - Japan

Today, I found out that due to the fact that I got divorced, the insurance for my car is going up. A year after she took everything, she is still costing me money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28894

You deserved it

3309

Favorite

By etgohome - 26/8/2013 00:10 - Canada - Kingston

Today, I almost got run over on my bike by a truck who raced through a red light. After narrowly avoiding a collision, the car slowed down. Instead of apologizing for almost killing me, the driver stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "Nice ass!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

42085

You deserved it

3614

Favorite

By Anonymous - 31/8/2019 06:03 - United States - New York

Today, while working at Subway, I was called a "terrorist" and other names by a customer 'behind my back'. I made him the best sandwich I'd ever made, in order to leave a good impression. Then I had to say the wonderful words, "Your total is $9.11." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2054

You deserved it

128

Favorite

By superman_not - 10/6/2009 15:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to play the role of superman in a production on stage. They had to stuff my underwear because my 'thing' wasn't big enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks

79733

You deserved it

7303

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/10/2020 19:58

The art of seduction

Today, I took a bath and dressed in a skimpy lingerie. I sat on the couch for an hour and a half before giving up and putting on my boyfriend's old t shirt. It was then that he decided to comment. On the t shirt I was wearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1048

You deserved it

153

Favorite

By 3-wheeler - 9/3/2010 11:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I left my car in a disreputable area. After picking it up later on, I heard a strange "clonking" sound. The clonking suddenly stopped when my wheel fell off; someone had stolen my wheel nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25275

You deserved it

4400

Favorite

By Anon - 29/1/2019 02:00

Today, I was working on an art commission for some random kid's OC and I didn't notice that I made the nose look like a man's private parts. The mother was upset and spammed my mailbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1797

You deserved it

442

Favorite

By Foureyes - 23/8/2009 13:29 - Australia

Today, my mother and father are insisting that I go on a date with a German exchange student they met at the weekend. Why? Because we have similar glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37552

You deserved it

3862

Favorite

By sally - 25/1/2014 17:42 - United States - Augusta

Today, after 3 months of no orgasms, I was in the shower, working to rectify that. As I was seconds away from coming, my dad loudly knocked on the door and demanded to know how much longer I was going to take. Probably another 3 months now, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56567

You deserved it

9413

Favorite

By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 07:19 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She got incredibly excited and started flapping her hands around. Then she suddenly went deadpan and said "But seriously... no." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27841

You deserved it

1879

Favorite

By superjesse006 - 10/10/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I was fired from a job I didn't have. The manager in charge of calling me to tell me if I got the job never called, and never called me back when I left messages. The only time he called me was to fire me for not coming to orientation, which, by the way, he never called to tell me about. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42845

You deserved it

2486

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and went to the bathroom. That’s when I realized that after passing out with my shoes on last night, my friends decided use a black sharpie and play “connect the dots” with my acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44634

You deserved it

19920

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/12/2011 16:53 - United Kingdom

Today, after returning to the UK from my Australian holiday, I was fired from my job for no reason. My boss told me he'd waited till I'd returned to do it. I could have stayed in Australia with my mates traveling for a year if I had been fired before I left. I'm sure he did it on purpose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34766

You deserved it

2833

Favorite

By Jeanna - 15/3/2016 23:14 - United States - Baskett

Today, I went into a store for an interview. I've had several places wanting to talk to me and this job was a lot lower paying. I got a little cocky and when offered the job, I said I wanted some time to finish my other interviews first and see what my options were. The manager then took back his offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7687

You deserved it

27451

Favorite

By I Like My Cat - 21/12/2012 10:02 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I found out that the tinsel on my Christmas tree is worth a couple of hundred euros per strand. Well, that's how much the two that were surgically removed from my cat have cost me. At least the cat's going to be fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21884

You deserved it

13258

Favorite

By dammitrain - 13/7/2010 19:43 - United States

Today, hoping to avoid the rain because I had just gotten an expensive perm, I ducked under an awning. At that moment, the store manager shook the awning, and about 6 hours of rain dumped on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36380

You deserved it

8435

Favorite

By CockroachCluster - 2/6/2018 01:30

Today, I turned on my A/C for the first time in a couple of months. A family of ginormous cockroaches climbed out of the air vent and a few clumps of dead cockroaches fell to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3992

You deserved it

453

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By ChopSuey - 1/6/2016 04:02 - United States - West Monroe

Today, my husband returned from being away for two weeks. I eagerly got myself ready and sent him a risqué picture so he would come to bed. An hour later, he's on the couch playing Xbox with the message already seen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14794

You deserved it

1580

Favorite

By Craig - 17/2/2010 06:30 - Canada

Today, I went to my hair dresser to get my haircut. When she asked me what I wanted, I told her "the usual". She confused me with another customer and gave me a mullet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15416

You deserved it

32851

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/11/2011 17:20 - Romania

Today, I realized I have to choose between being unemployed or putting up with my perverted boss who desperately wants me. I'm a guy and so is he. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44248

You deserved it

3611

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/6/2019 22:05

Today, I told my boyfriend that eventually I want to get my ears pinned back because I think that they stick out too much. I pulled my hair back to show him, and he said, "Yeah, they're different sizes too, and the left one sticks out more than the right one." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1511

You deserved it

485

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/9/2014 17:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss changed some company calendar settings on my computer to see what they'd be like. He didn't like it, so he told me to change it back, then left. I have no idea what he changed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32944

You deserved it

3694

Favorite

By momaaa1342 - 21/10/2013 03:51 - United States - Elmwood

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school today. She had been telling the teacher, "I have a huge boner." Apparently, some of the kids at school told her it meant 'headache' and she's been saying it all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46533

You deserved it

3579

Favorite

By notdaddy - 16/2/2015 16:39 - United States - Houston

Today, while talking with my ex, I mentioned I was depressed about turning 40. He said he'd been depressed about turning 40 as well, until he started screwing hot 20-somethings. We were still together when he turned 40. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40917

You deserved it

4411

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/10/2015 15:10 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, in the middle of a presentation, I fought a shart, but the shart won. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26222

You deserved it

2812

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/11/2013 13:07 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my little brother from his friend's house. When I got there, he ran off screaming that he didn't know me. His friend's parents believed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46859

You deserved it

3231

Favorite

By Squeak - 7/2/2017 19:00 - United States - Bremerton

It means us! Look at us!

Today, at work I put myself squarely in the lame / old people category when I foolishly asked out loud what FML meant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4643

You deserved it

1565

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 02:00

Is this dude a puma?

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? Because I became a vegetarian. Apparently, he doesn't believe in "not eating meat." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1285

You deserved it

1324

Favorite

By BFH4Life - 30/11/2011 09:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad announced to the whole family that we will be having a vegetarian dinner this Christmas to make my step-mum happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36792

You deserved it

5692

Favorite

By Mortified - 24/2/2017 20:00 - United States

Today, I attended my girlfriend's mother's wake. When I walked up the three-step platform the casket was on, I tripped, fell over the edge of the casket, and head-butted her mother's corpse. The adhesive holding one of her eyes came undone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10383

You deserved it

906

Favorite

By dusty - 6/12/2018 15:30

Today I picked my baby up from my babysitter's house. As I was getting him ready for bed, I saw blood and immediately went into a panic, rushing to the hospital and trying to contact her to see if my baby fell and she didn't tell me. Turns out it was just hot Cheeto dust mixed with drool. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2071

You deserved it

1662

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/11/2017 05:00

Today, while making deliveries, a lady answered the door stark naked and invited me in. I'm a young single guy so I went for it, but her husband was also there, ready to go with an enormous boner, so I ran to my van and went back to the depot. They reported me for bad customer service. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6691

You deserved it

2676

Favorite

By dogbreederssuck - 3/2/2015 15:26 - United Kingdom - Ormskirk

Today, at work, I had to tell a woman that there is no such thing as a "pedigree Beahuahuadoodle", and that she'd essentially paid $500 for a mutt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32378

You deserved it

2843

Favorite

By Meagan smith - 24/8/2011 20:33 - United States

Today, I started my new job as a teacher. Worried about how I looked, I asked a coworker if I looked okay. She said, "You look fine. Just like a normal high school kid." I spent the next half hour convincing her that I was not a student, but a teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30148

You deserved it

3641

Favorite

By Weddingbelles - 12/9/2016 15:52 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, at the end of my 10-hour shift, my manager made me count exactly how many business cards were left in inventory before I could leave. She didn't believe me when the number came to exactly 3000. She made me count them all again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13160

You deserved it

761

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/6/2012 15:53 - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, I told my friend over the phone that I had to go drop the kids off at the pool. She told me that she didn't need to know about my bathroom habits and hung up on me. I really had to take my children to the local swimming pool for swim lessons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25645

You deserved it

2926

Favorite

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Top comments

By greatnt249 | 0

#8267 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:57

This is why you don't dish out hate when you aren't prepared to take it in return.

By emmalover | 0

#8261 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:53

u shud prob shave then

COMMENTS

By emmalover | 0

#8261 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:53

u shud prob shave then

Philosophic | 0

#830394 - Saturday 6 February 2010 15:50

I hate girls with nasty vag-hair. Get a frigging douchebag and a razor, and cut the frigging rug. That's just nasty.. YDI

GiddyXD | 0

#985950 - Tuesday 27 April 2010 12:44

soap it and cut gurrl!

TheVanGirlsing | 0

#994827 - Sunday 16 May 2010 0:06

ohh. nice. now i got blue waffle on my mind..thanks...

illustration is PERFECT. its an fml for both em. kris from explosm is AWESOME! best comic artist in history, easily...

anyone who disagrees can go fuck a cow and blow a bull.

LightWater | 0

#995414 - Sunday 16 May 2010 11:55

This ^

lets_be_ian | 5

#996980 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 20:57

a cow and a bull... at the same time?

Drakanaa | 0

#996982 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 21:26

One in the front, one in the back.

empress1750 | 0

#1022470 - Monday 7 June 2010 8:03

aaaahahahahahaha!!!

slushpup9696 | 12

#2401814 - Monday 25 April 2011 9:47

119 win on several levels.

By greatnt249 | 0

#8267 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:57

This is why you don't dish out hate when you aren't prepared to take it in return.

By jesusjr | 0

#8269 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:57

burn!

reptileguy1296 | 0

#2903597 - Saturday 16 July 2011 5:59

damn straight!

By xXxRandiexXx | 0

#8273 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:59

lmfao #4
xD

By demothe7 | 0

#8275 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:59

ya, shave that belt line mustache

By King_of_Kings | 3

#8277 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:59

yeast infection.

By TheSkaAssassin | 0

#8281 - Friday 27 February 2009 3:04

ice cold

6969awesome | 0

#986979 - Saturday 1 May 2010 15:44

ha fat!

mr_erotic32 | 0

#1740238 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 15:48

Haha Fat

Emmy_The_Great | 2

#2386130 - Friday 22 April 2011 1:55

Unnecessarily making fun of someone?Wow, you guys are cool. Especially with names like "mr_erotica" and a name starting with "6969". Wish I were that cool.

By BeautyAndBrains | 0

#8287 - Friday 27 February 2009 3:07

LOL, that sucks.

michelleJ11 | 25

#5627821 - Thursday 15 August 2013 0:14

If only there was a button for that ..

Oh wait.

By Lotus_Eater | 0

#8292 - Friday 27 February 2009 3:23

RepHresh!

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#8303 - Friday 27 February 2009 3:36

STANKY ZING!