Work: Today, my boss forced me to come into work despite having a bad...

By Anonymous - United States - Palmer

Today, my boss forced me to come into work despite having a bad cold. While waiting a table, I violently sneezed and sprayed a child's face with snot. His dad got so pissed that my boss had to pretend to fire me just to calm him down. FML

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Work

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Rock, hard place

Impressive

By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 01:01 - Mexico - Iztacalco

That's… sexy

Today, my wife threw up in the middle of sex, then fell asleep right after. I didn't even finish and it'd been over a month since the last time. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2020 14:00

Eye-bleach please

Today, I have been having to work in a residence of people with disabilities when I normally do community work with disabled people and usually enjoy it. I have seen not one, but two elderly mens' genitals today when my actual job would never require me to see any. I didn’t sign up for this. FML

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By TriedToHelp

Today, I was volunteering at an Indian hospital through a Canadian volunteer agency after paying $3000. It was my first day, but I got deported for having an incorrect visa. I had a tourist visa when I was supposed to have a "miscellaneous" visa. I got deported for volunteering. FML

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By Garry the Gluten-Free Pizza - United States

Today, I was carjacked. As he shoved me away from my car, I got hit by another car. He and the other car both drove off. FML

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By dzisfml - Canada

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to rub Tabasco sauce on my household toilet paper. FML

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By scruffy - United States

Today, I woke up late for a job interview. I hadn't shaved in six days, but figuring I could do so en route, I grabbed my electric razor and ran for the bus. While shaving, the razor's battery died midway through, leaving me to attend the job interview with a Miami Vice scruff on half my face. FML

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By SheWentCrayola - United States

Today, I met some guys from my dad's workplace. They told him what a pretty daughter he had, to which he responded, "Nah, it's just shit-loads of makeup." FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, the girl I had a crush on for the past few months called me and wanted to tell me something. Excited, I agreed and we went out to dinner. She wanted to tell me she had been secretly seeing 'someone' for the past six months. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 05:02

The movie of my life

Today, I learnt my boyfriend has just been using me for character development for the last 5 years. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Milan

Today, while at the store with my mom, we ran into the girl I recently confessed to being interested in. My mom decided to shout, "IS THAT HER?! IS THAT THE GIRL YOU LIKE?!" Embarrassed, I desperately told her to be quiet. She grounded me for being "rude" to her. FML

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By firestar772 - United States - Santa Barbara

It's probably considered art

Today, my dog ate a whole case of my son's paintballs, because apparently they are made of a fish byproduct. Not only does the whole house smell like fish, there are countless bright yellow dog turds all over the house and our yard. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I woke up and called my boyfriend. We had amazing phone sex, even better because no one was home and we didn't have to be quiet. Afterwards, I walk out into the kitchen. My mum hadn't gone to work that morning. FML

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By LovesHisHand - United States

Today, I was in my 15-year-old sister’s room when I found birth control pills. I told my parents, who responded by saying, "Sex is beautiful thing." When I was her age my parents caught me pleasuring myself, and smashed my laptop with a hammer, all while calling me "filthy" and "immoral". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finished building a porch I've worked hard on for the past 2 weeks, and I was very proud on how amazing it turned out. Within 20 minutes of it being completed, my pregnant dog decided to crawl underneath it to have her puppies. I had to take half the porch apart to get to her and them. FML

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By EmbarrassedMess - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had what I thought would be an important (and formal) interview. Not only did I turn up completely overdressed, the man who was interviewing me arrived 30 minutes late. To top it all off, I was so distracted by his mysterious total lack of eyebrows that I forgot everything I had to say. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lazily answered the door in my pajamas. It was my elderly neighbor asking to borrow a can opener. Despite the strange and unwarranted scowl she was giving me I obliged. It wasn't until after she had left that I notice my penis was completely sticking out through the flap in my pants. FML

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By TomorrowMaybe - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, I got my new smartwatch that I ordered for myself on the promise that I would use it for tracking my new exercise routine. Instead, I used it for playing Pong whilst eating cake and drinking wine. FML

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By seriously?! - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going to take me out somewhere special, so I called in sick for work. Turns out he had made reservations for the restaurant I worked at. FML

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By moetplease - Singapore

Today, my grandma moved in with us. Along with her 36-year-old boyfriend that none of us knew about. FML

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By BigBadTron - United States

Today, my girlfriend was sick so I took her 5 year old daughter out to eat. Half-way through our "date" she asks me loudly "Can we go back to the car now and take our clothes off?" Apparently she meant her toy dog's clothes. Face burning, we left a half laughing/half glaring crowd behind. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, after almost a week of being bed-ridden with a bad flu, my mom told me it was my job to clean the house. When I told her I still had a fever and didn't feel well, she looked at me and said in an understanding voice "It's okay honey, you can do it slowly." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy asked for my number. He used the rather annoying "You know, this iPhone has everything... but you know the only thing that's missing is your number." I might have given it to him, if he did have the iPhone, not the makeshift box of Mini Wheat Thins he had in his hand. FML

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By boyishgirl - United States - Anchorage

Today, I got to see my best friend for the first time in months. Her first reaction was to say, "Wow, you gained a lot of weight." I actually lost a fair bit. FML

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By Electro - United States - Nashua

Today, I found out how painful it is to static shock the tip of your dick. FML

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By sleepysophie - United States - Helena

Today, I slept over at my friend's house. Her dad made breakfast for us. While fixing a plate, my friend said, "Careful, my dad clips his nails in the kitchen." She said it with a sarcastic, joking tone, and laughed afterwards. While eating, I found a toenail in my food. Her response? "I told you." FML

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By NinjaPanda88 - United States

Today, my girlfriend wanted to name my penis. After 5 minutes of thinking up names, she finally picked one. Say hello to Squirtle. FML

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By Dez Johnson - 7/3/2021 11:01

New or used?

Today, I discovered that my old roommate had left a full bag of cat litter on my porch and all over my yard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend prays before and after sex, because he thinks he'll keep his abstinence by doing so. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2020 11:01 - Hong Kong - Central District

Is that a pass then?

Today, I had a piano exam, for which I'd worked hard. I went in, and the examiner asked me to play some scales. I was so nervous, I played 3 octaves and then realised I'd ran out of space. I might have then said, "FUCK!" really loudly… and she heard. FML

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By romedizzle - Canada

Today, I was helping an older lady return her previously bought items to customer service. As she walked away and said "Thanks," I tried to say "You're welcome" and "No problem" at the same time. I ended up saying "Your problem". She scowled at me. FML

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By Chad - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I made lists of what celebrities we're interested in. The first one she listed wasn't a celebrity - it was my brother. He's spending the weekend with us. FML

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By so_screwed - United States - Salinas

Today, my one-night stand decided he wanted to meet my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2020 23:02 - Germany

Good boy

Today, I told my mom that the puppy she was cuddling had a piece of dried poo stuck to its butt. Her reaction was to pluck the poo with her bare hands, put it on the coffee table next to my food and continue cuddling. FML

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By missy - United States

Today, my mother told me she needed a urine sample to send in to the doctors to test for any allergies. I did what she had asked and went to my room. I came down stairs later and found her in the bathroom putting my pee on a pregnancy test stick. FML

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By woopdeedo_1 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party and crashed on the bedroom floor. I woke up to sex noises coming from the bed. I pretended to still be asleep. I sent a text to my boyfriend to tell him about it. I heard his phone beep from over in the bed. FML

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By Stinky - United States - Roanoke

Today, I learned that some days you win, and some days you clean up skunk carcass with a snow shovel in the rain in formerly waterproof boots. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I apparently had diarrhea in my sleep. I had to get up and sneak to the bathroom so as to not wake my husband. When he asked about the stain, I panicked and told him I started my period. FML

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By "penne_pasta580802"

Ultimately

Today, I decided to take my car to work as I had some errands to do after. I only live a few blocks away. After driving round to find a car park for ages, the closest car park available was outside my house. I ended up walking to work instead. FML

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By Xtine - United States

Today, while on the road I saw a turtle in the middle of the other lane. I slammed on my brakes and got out, holding up and pissing off several drivers on both sides of the highway. Getting closer to the turtle, I realized that it was not a turtle at all, but a very large pile of dog shit. FML

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By anikah - United States - Natchitoches

Today, I gave up trying to make any friends at my job as a firefighter. I'm the lone female, and am the subject of gossip with the older men. Anyone I try to befriend ends up hitting on me, while others won't even talk to me because their wives are jealous. FML

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Top comments

By 2C0OL4SCH0OL | 17

#6470553 - Thursday 26 November 2015 0:20

It's your boss's fault for forcing you. I guess he regretted his decision but hey at least he didn't fire you for reals, well I hope you get well soon

By johnjkl | 22

#6470551 - Thursday 26 November 2015 0:18

Hope you get better op

COMMENTS

By johnjkl | 22

#6470551 - Thursday 26 November 2015 0:18

Hope you get better op

By 2C0OL4SCH0OL | 17

#6470553 - Thursday 26 November 2015 0:20

It's your boss's fault for forcing you. I guess he regretted his decision but hey at least he didn't fire you for reals, well I hope you get well soon

ThatHorse | 15

#6470604 - Thursday 26 November 2015 1:01

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Lalala579121 | 27

#6470636 - Thursday 26 November 2015 1:57

17 - But, she didn't get fired...

Fmelikeuhateme | 24

#6470645 - Thursday 26 November 2015 2:11

The kid did.

Utetopia2014 | 18

#6470747 - Thursday 26 November 2015 4:33

Whats it got to do with the co-worker, and why would they go to HR? And how many restaurants have a HR department, anyway?

rnarshmallow | 21

#6470858 - Thursday 26 November 2015 8:22

#46 We've actually got a running joke that the accountant is HR for the kitchen where I work lol I'm not taking #17's comment too seriously but the owners or general manager would handle any HR related problems in a restaurant.

By MzZombicidal | 36

#6470557 - Thursday 26 November 2015 0:22

I'm very glad you didn't get fired but it's so upsetting to hear that you were there for that to happen anyways.

By arano | 29

#6470558 - Thursday 26 November 2015 0:23

You should've pretended to get really pissed off and stormed out.

By dyoy_87 | 21

#6470563 - Thursday 26 November 2015 0:25

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Lalala579121 | 27

#6470637 - Thursday 26 November 2015 1:58

So if a waiter/waitress sneezed in your child's face you'd just be okay with it?

klutz44 | 28

#6470657 - Thursday 26 November 2015 2:23

No, but I wouldn't demand that they be fired. That's overkill.

Lalala579121 | 27

#6470676 - Thursday 26 November 2015 2:47

The FML never said the father demanded OP to be "fired". The boss just did it to calm him down.

ElffChikk | 6

#6472404 - Saturday 28 November 2015 9:14

I mean I personally would've thought it was hilarious if it were my kid. of course if clean him up immediately, but I would die of laughter whilst doing so.