Today, my boss forced me to come into work despite having a bad...

By Anonymous - United States - Palmer

Today, my boss forced me to come into work despite having a bad cold. While waiting a table, I violently sneezed and sprayed a child's face with snot. His dad got so pissed that my boss had to pretend to fire me just to calm him down. FML

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Work

Proactive

Emergency haircut

Freak out

By Betrayed - United States

Today, my family took me to a wig store saying I wouldn't feel so insecure about being bald because of my chemo treatments. When I told them I accepted myself and didn't want a wig, they came out and told me THEY couldn't accept it. My own family is embarrassed of me over something I can't control. FML

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By ismerf19

Today, I was working in a restaurant. On the receipt under "tip" someone actually took the time to write out "$0.00." FML

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By dhdyvifjdksk - 26/1/2020 03:00 - United States

Good deeds

Today, I donated blood and the nurse said: "God blesses good deeds", when I get home, my mom tells me that we have to sell the house because we're broke. FML

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By Radbaby

Today, nearing the start of what I was hoping to be a relaxing week off, my air conditioning system died. A replacement system will be in the $7000 range, just the amount I'd finally saved for my dream vacation. FML

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By Rick - United States - Spartanburg

Today, I didn't even bother to turn my cellphone off in a movie theater because I knew no one would text me or call. FML

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By DumbLackofLuck - United States

Today, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping. Today, I also discovered that my bank account has been frozen due to suspicious activity. FML

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By thatonesilentkidinclass - Philippines - San Juan

Today, I finally started exercising. I'm a rather obese person and I'm super pumped up to finally get off my lazy butt and lose some weight. Locking myself in my room, I first started with a very simple exercise: jumping jacks. I farted each time I jumped. I jumped 10 times. FML

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By exasperated - United States - Houston

Today, I got a call from the police that my house had been burglarized, but an off-duty cop caught the criminal. I pull up to see my detained, psycho ex-boyfriend sheepishly grinning at me. He had three of my lace panties and two of my bras, claiming it was "all for memories sake". FML

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By brawl y’all - 31/10/2020 09:04 - United States

Some winners…

Today, what started as a family gathering turned into an all-out brawl. I saw my son’s wife punch him, so I hit her. Her mom and sister jumped me. My husband was pulling them off when the other husband thought he was attacking them and jumped in, so my son jumped in as well. We won, at least. FML

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By I knew it! - United States - Washington

Today, I woke up to 6 missed calls. I called back to find a woman asking how I know her boyfriend after seeing our texts. I told her he's been my boyfriend for 4 months, and she told me he's been hers for over a year. He vehemently denied knowing who I am as I spoke, even with obvious proof. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland - Vanda

Today, I had an important job interview at another company. I'd tried to keep it secret from everyone at work, so they wouldn't tell my boss, as I can't afford to get on his bad side yet. My mom posted on my Facebook wall, wishing me luck. I'm Facebook friends with most of my colleagues. FML

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By difference between birds and mammals. - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching TV and there were penguins laying eggs. He said, "Penguins are mammals, they don't lay eggs." I replied, "Penguins are birds." We fought about it for ages until he realised that I was right, and has since stopped talking to me. FML

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By Devon - United States

Today, I woke up face-down in my grandfather's driveway, soaking wet with no pants, glitter in my hair, and holding an empty Skippy peanut butter jar. No one will tell me what happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saugus

Today, my boyfriend found a movie he loved on Netflix. He was so excited to show it to me and was certain I'd love it. I didn't have the heart to tell him what I really thought of White Chicks. FML

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By dgilbs - United States - Cheboygan

Today, I finished my shopping at Costco, and realized I had forgotten where I had parked. After scouring the parking lot for 20 minutes, I called the police and filed a report for a stolen vehicle. I then remembered I had bought a new car yesterday and parked it right next to the entrance. FML

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By BassGuy - United States

Today, I went onto my band's MySpace just to check if we had any new comments or anything like that and I noticed that I was listed as a past member. Nobody ever told me I was replaced. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, feeling angry at the world, I threw a bottle, that had been clearly marked to be recycled, into a garbage can as an act of defiance. Minutes later, I guiltily retreated and spent the next few minutes with my entire arm stuck up the stinking ass of a city garbage can. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I caught two kids passing notes to each other in my class, so I told them to see me afterwards. When one of the kids eventually came up, I noticed he was crying. He looked up at me and sobbed out, "I was trying to make my first friend!" FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. He seemed to be enjoying it, his penis "came out". My boyfriend was walking by and said "at least you turn someone on." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, at the end of another long workday, my husband announced that he was going to take a shower. Attempting to rekindle some much needed romance in our lives, I seductively asked him, "Want me to join you?" He replied, "Sure. But first I have to poop." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - River Falls

Today, my boyfriend lied about having herpes, and used it as an excuse to dump me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pratt

Judgment Day

Today, my fiancé and I are house-sitting for my future in-laws for the next 3 weeks. They left a bible in both bedrooms, along with printouts of an article denouncing the "sin" of premarital sex. They're such complete whack-jobs, I wouldn't be surprised if they've set up hidden cameras everywhere too. FML

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By TCRII - United States - Springfield

Today, it's the first day of our honeymoon. My bride just informed me that she invited her ex-husband to come, so he can spend time with the kids. He will be here in 4 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, marks my third day of school being closed due to snow. One, and only one, of the teachers has decided that we have to do work online in the meantime. I just so happen to be in three of his classes. FML

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By doodler - United States - Hurst

Today, I was doodling randomly during a meeting at work, and I noticed my drawing was beginning to look a bit like a penis. A coworker was eyeing it so I tried to make it something else by adding... oh good, now it's a penis and balls. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, while eating at my college cafeteria, I started thinking about all the awful crap going on in my life right now, and I started sobbing. Some guy at another table started snickering at me, at which point the guy I like said, "Give her a break. If I was as fuck-ugly as her, I'd be crying too." FML

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By Baconcook3000 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I put 7 kisses at the end of a text instead of 10. She said that our relationship was bound to fail if "I can't remember important things like that". FML

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By grandma - United States - Barnesville

Today, I check my phone regularly for calls or texts from her. I take her out to eat frequently, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes. Today I realized the closest thing I have to a boyfriend is my grandma. FML

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By josh - United States

Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to my ex. This afternoon I notice that they had accepted, and had left a message for me in my inbox. Asking how they knew me. FML

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By asianjoe - United States

Today, at work, I told a lady checking out to sign her name after sliding her credit card. After she started signing her name, she threw the pen down in frustration saying that the pen was out of ink. We use electronic pin pads. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I realised in the middle of my shift how useless my deodorant is in the stifling heatwave spreading through my country. It's no longer effective against my awful B.O., which is a problem because I'm a mascot, and my costume traps the smell inside like a portable toilet. FML

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By BuspassBob - United States

Today, I found out that the car I got a great deal on a few days ago, needs a new transmission. I'm now the proud owner of a very large and very expensive paperweight. FML

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By Brian - United States - East Wenatchee

Today, while I was cuddling with my girlfriend, she looked at me and leaned in. Thinking she was going to kiss me, I leaned too. Just as we were about to kiss, she screamed "COW KISSES" and somehow managed to lick my eyeball. FML

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By DriedDeadFroggo

Today, my dog has figured out how to open screen doors on his own, by body checking them at full force, of course, like one does. This would be all fine and good, but we live by a lake with a considerable mosquito infestation. FML

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By sickkid - United States

Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mother told me she's planning on taking the next two weeks "off". She is unemployed and on disability, and spends her days on the couch watching Netflix. Off from what? FML

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By growlr - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina looks like an old man in a hat. It's OK though, he said it was a nice hat. FML

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By heatherjo - United States

Today, my fiancé decided he wants to buy an engagement ring for his mother, so that she doesn't feel left out. FML

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By milkymoo - Cyprus

Today, I was catching the bus to my new job. While waiting at the lights, I decided to play the staring game and ended up staring at a woman in the car next to the bus for ages, really creeping her out. It turns out she's my new boss. FML

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By Redfaced - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, I was sitting next to an attractive man. Much to my surprise, he started stroking his foot against mine. I was happy at the flirting because I've been attracted to him forever, so I played along. That's when he stood up and explained he was trying to stretch out a cramp. FML

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Top comments

By 2C0OL4SCH0OL | 17

#6470553 - Thursday 26 November 2015 0:20

It's your boss's fault for forcing you. I guess he regretted his decision but hey at least he didn't fire you for reals, well I hope you get well soon

By johnjkl | 22

#6470551 - Thursday 26 November 2015 0:18

Hope you get better op

COMMENTS

By johnjkl | 22

#6470551 - Thursday 26 November 2015 0:18

Hope you get better op

By 2C0OL4SCH0OL | 17

#6470553 - Thursday 26 November 2015 0:20

It's your boss's fault for forcing you. I guess he regretted his decision but hey at least he didn't fire you for reals, well I hope you get well soon

ThatHorse | 15

#6470604 - Thursday 26 November 2015 1:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Lalala579121 | 27

#6470636 - Thursday 26 November 2015 1:57

17 - But, she didn't get fired...

Fmelikeuhateme | 24

#6470645 - Thursday 26 November 2015 2:11

The kid did.

Utetopia2014 | 18

#6470747 - Thursday 26 November 2015 4:33

Whats it got to do with the co-worker, and why would they go to HR? And how many restaurants have a HR department, anyway?

rnarshmallow | 21

#6470858 - Thursday 26 November 2015 8:22

#46 We've actually got a running joke that the accountant is HR for the kitchen where I work lol I'm not taking #17's comment too seriously but the owners or general manager would handle any HR related problems in a restaurant.

By MzZombicidal | 36

#6470557 - Thursday 26 November 2015 0:22

I'm very glad you didn't get fired but it's so upsetting to hear that you were there for that to happen anyways.

By arano | 29

#6470558 - Thursday 26 November 2015 0:23

You should've pretended to get really pissed off and stormed out.

By dyoy_87 | 21

#6470563 - Thursday 26 November 2015 0:25

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Lalala579121 | 27

#6470637 - Thursday 26 November 2015 1:58

So if a waiter/waitress sneezed in your child's face you'd just be okay with it?

klutz44 | 28

#6470657 - Thursday 26 November 2015 2:23

No, but I wouldn't demand that they be fired. That's overkill.

Lalala579121 | 27

#6470676 - Thursday 26 November 2015 2:47

The FML never said the father demanded OP to be "fired". The boss just did it to calm him down.

ElffChikk | 6

#6472404 - Saturday 28 November 2015 9:14

I mean I personally would've thought it was hilarious if it were my kid. of course if clean him up immediately, but I would die of laughter whilst doing so.