Work and Health: Today, it's my first day at my new job. Unfortunately, I have...

By Anonymous - Romania - Bucharest

Today, it's my first day at my new job. Unfortunately, I have a very bad cold. When my boss leaned in to show me something on the computer, I sneezed all over him. A hell of a first impression. FML

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Work

Health

The smell detective is on the case

Messed up

Walk on the wild side

By HillaryAngelic - United States - Flint

Today, after a church service, a man approached me as I was walking to my car. He had tears in his eyes and politely asked if I would pray with him. He asked if we could hold hands. As I reached out to hold his hands, the bitch snatched my purse and ran. FML

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By ZAS - United States

Today, my mom and I rented a hotel room. She decided to go to bed, while I watched MythBusters. Apparently, my mom got hot while she slept. She threw the covers off of herself and pulled up her night-gown. I turned to find out that my mother does not wear underwear when she sleeps. FML

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By Deceptive Dog 1242 - United States

It's Cat-Dog!

Today, I pulled something out of my tiny 6 month old puppy's mouth, thinking it was a cord that he had gotten a hold of. As it turns out, it was a baby mouse he had caught and killed. FML

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By kaleigh - United States

Today, as I was walking out of a restaurant with my boyfriend, I saw some guys checking me out. One of them walked up to my boyfriend and said, "Dude, you and your girlfriend have matching moustaches!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kent

Today, I went on a trip to Cleveland. After getting lunch, my brother and I started walking back to my car. Halfway there, we were jumped, threatened with a knife, and yelled at to hand over our money. The only thing my brother could do was ask our mugger, "Uh, what gender are you?" FML

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By Annon - Australia

Today, the recycling bin caught fire. My little brother was "experimenting" with his magnifying glass, set an egg carton on fire and didn't realise you had to put it out before throwing it in the bin. FML

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By racchhh - United States

Today, I sent a forward to everyone in my phonebook saying, "HOUSE PARTY-NO PARENTS, LOTS OF ALCOHOL, MAYBE A CHANCE TO HOOK UP." I then got a reply from my mom saying, "I'm probably the only one that would show up." Even my mom thinks I'm a loser, and I'm now grounded for 3 weeks. FML

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By no_service - United States

Today, my phone died. I plugged it in to charge and then went out to run some errands. When I returned, my phone was no where to be found, and our shovel was on the floor, muddy and wet. I then discovered my 6-year old son had buried my "dead" 200$ palmpilot because he had felt sorry for me. FML

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By Jess - United States

Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 20:02 - United States - Onancock

How? Why?

Today, after getting in bed after a long day, I decided I would relieve some tension. Just as I'm ready to pop, in walks my grandma. I explode. My grandma, without missing a beat, just says, "Get cleaned up and go to bed. It's after twelve o'clock, you have to work in the morning." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2020 23:02

No more bukkake for you

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room for severe facial rashes. My boyfriend and I then found out I'm allergic to seminal fluid. FML

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By sickandtiredofit - United States

Today, I found out that my wife has been having an affair with the guy who's been trying to get our relationship back on track. FML

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By ZThirteen - United States

Speed racer

Today, I got a speeding ticket. My speedometer got busted a few weeks back, rendering it useless. My father, a former mechanic, decided it's not worth the trouble of going in and fixing it. "Just keep with traffic when you're on the highway; you'll be fine." This $150 fee says otherwise. FML

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By anon - United States - Poquoson

Today, the power went out at school. If it's out for more than twenty minutes, standard procedure is to let us go home. They came back on almost nineteen minutes later. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 23:55

Hot hot hot

Today, my AC stopped working and I have no money. I live in Phoenix, Arizona. FML

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By unlucky - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I thought it'd be fun to kick open one of those unisex bathrooms in my workplace. I'm not sure who was more surprised, me or my boss who was in there taking a dump. FML

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By whymommywhy - United States

Today, my hamster gave birth. The babies were very cute and I couldn't resist petting one. Apparently touching a baby hamster will cause it's mother to reject and devour it. I am now know in my family as "The Hamster Slaughterer." FML

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By Pavlov Dog

Today, I "woofed" at a man on a gay dating site before realizing he's my Psych professor. Now during every lecture I'll never forget his nipples are pierced. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I shaved my beard off. Turns out the skin under my beard is six shades lighter than the rest of my face. I look completely ridiculous. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Red Sox Nation

Today, my girlfriend called saying that she wanted to break up because she wasn't into me anymore. Yesterday, I paid $400 to take her to a Red Sox game, so I asked her why she even came with me. She said that she had been talking to her ex-boyfriend, and he said he was going to that game too. FML

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By neversayhiagain - United States

Today, I greeted a mom and a little girl at the place where I work. The little girl looks at me, looks back at her mom, and says, "Mommy, I hate people." FML

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By soupcrackers - 7/10/2020 04:57

Persona non grata

Today, I spoke to Friend A and Friend B, with whom I'd had arguments with in the past. Those arguments caused me to leave a group chat. When I want to settle things with Friend B, they told me, "Don't come back to the group chat. It'll make everyone happier if you stay out." FML

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By anon - United States - Springfield

Today, at work, one of the elderly residents dropped a turd on the floor. I went to go get the nurse but couldn't find her. Upon returning to the scene, another resident picked it up and placed it in my hand, thinking it was mud. Now my nickname at work is 'Nugget'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Marlborough

Today, I had to explain to my friend that being arrested isn't something a decent person should have on their bucket list. I had to explain this while bailing her out of jail. FML

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By Anna - United States

Today, my dad decided that he shouldn't have to wear clothes in the privacy of his own home. FML

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By onlyolivia - United States - Laurel

WTF are you doing?

Today, we had some workers come to paint my office building. As a receptionist, it's my job to stock the fridge with soda. I walked into the supply closet just in time to find a worker peeing in a bucket. I stood there for about 10 seconds before I understood what was happening and ran out. FML

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By bad_day_in_hell - United States

Today, I woke up to a phone call from my boss' wife. She demanded to know how long we'd been sleeping together. When I denied her allegations, she screamed that she knew all about my "history of sleeping with married men". I'm a virgin and I have to work with him tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years confessed that at first, she'd only dated me to get her friend jealous, and that even now, she "only kind of liked" me. I bought a ring only a few days ago, and was planning on proposing to her. FML

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By Anonymous

Stir crazy, part 16

Today, my wife was so sick of being isolated with the kids while I, a key worker, got to "escape" to work everyday, that she locked herself in our room and got completely trashed on my cider, meaning I had to stay at home with the kids instead of helping my elderly patients. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking over some old notes from high school when I came across a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I'm 25. I haven't accomplished a single one. I'm 26. FML

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By fire - United States

Today, I interviewed for a full scholarship to college. In the interview I said that I was excited about the new dean because I think she’ll be able to really make improvements and bring the school back to where it used to be. After the interview, I learned my interviewer was the former dean. FML

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By lovingsnow - Singapore

Today, I got back home and my hamster was dead. I left notes two weeks ago everywhere to remind my parents to feed it while I was overseas. Apparently, my parents even didn't realize I was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 23:03

Chilly

Today, I'm a young, healthy non-smoker, getting plenty of exercise and walking about 8.000 steps a day. I still have ice-cold feet. Even wearing two pairs of socks. And Lambswool boots. In July. FML

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By phantomdriver - Canada

Today, my cab driver told me about the time he tried to commit suicide by driving off a bridge... while we were crossing a river. FML

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By selfishsexysanta - United States

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, my boyfriend called and asked me why I love him. I told him because he's always there for me and continues to put up with my bipolar disorder. He promptly said "not anymore" and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2020 02:02 - Singapore - Singapore

Ripped off

Today, I rented a house for 5 years with my girlfriend, only to find out she is the actual owner. FML

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By Max - United States

Today, due to my wife saying I never cook and we always order pizza, I spent a good hour preparing dinner. While serving it to my kids, they started complaining. My wife told them to shut up. When she took a bite, she looked up at me, smiled, and said, "Do you, you know, want to just order pizza?" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2020 18:03 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Clean up in aisle 5 please

Today, I cleaned up the entire kitchen after sending the kids to school. I decided to have a nice cup of tea, and then knocked the tea over into the bin and the bin cabinet, the hardest and grossest thing to clean. FML

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By Frouse

Today, I was on the worst blind date ever, so I tried to secretly request an Uber to get out of there. My date then picked up his phone, receiving my request. Turns out he's an Uber driver and he was looking for a reason to get out of the date too. FML

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Top comments

By ACCOUNTKILLER | 18

#7426277 - Saturday 18 March 2017 2:11

There is no excuse for sneezing on someone else- You know it's going to happen so cover your mouth. If you don't have a hanky or don't want to sneeze into your hand or sleeve, pull your shirt up around your face or do it into your jacket.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7426288 - Saturday 18 March 2017 2:50

That snot good for your career.

COMMENTS

By ACCOUNTKILLER | 18

#7426277 - Saturday 18 March 2017 2:11

species4872 | 19

#7426310 - Saturday 18 March 2017 4:59

Apparently you have never suffered from an immediate, uncontrolled sneeze. Not all sneezes have a build up.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7426288 - Saturday 18 March 2017 2:50

That snot good for your career.

By GofuckY0urSe1f | 2

#7426319 - Saturday 18 March 2017 5:45

hey at least your boss didn't walk in on you jerking off in a bathroom stall while you were on break

RichardPencil | 30

#7426354 - Saturday 18 March 2017 8:26

So what happened when you got caught?

By Nancy Tate-Leach | 4

#7426364 - Saturday 18 March 2017 8:57

Count your blessings. Our pup was doing that but she wasn't so lucky. Turns out she had cancer and she died a few months later.

By KFrankly | 17

#7426579 - Saturday 18 March 2017 20:32

حبيبي

By Lazy34 | 7

#7427514 - Tuesday 21 March 2017 7:23

Reminds me of the time I had a cold and leaned over to look at something my professor was showing us and my nose uncontrollably leaked onto his papers.