Intimacy: Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes... - FML

By FML - 29/07/2011 04:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 173

You deserved it 7 485

Taking stock

Once bitten…

Ah yes, homophobic jokes, so funny

By thereisnobaby - 06/10/2016 11:55 - United States - Cadillac

Today, I was met with an unfortunate clerical error, receiving a letter from WIC with a cheery handwritten note instructing me to call when the baby arrives. I guess they forgot I was there four months ago to discuss the changes in benefits after a miscarriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 102

You deserved it 756

By Anonymous - 06/09/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, my doctor told me I had "abnormally large breasts." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a 20 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 435

You deserved it 7 715

By pianoplayer - 22/05/2013 01:57 - Canada - Mackenzie

Today, my neighbors called the police and said that they saw, through the window, a suspicious person in my house doing something to my piano. The "suspicious person" was me, in my own house, playing my own piano. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 478

You deserved it 2 827

By jojolovesyou134 - 23/06/2019 22:45

Today, as I have been the past week, I've was sent to fix my coworker's fuck-ups in his new area, and help him out as I know it. I then needed help in his old area, and got told to suck it up and figure it out. I've been doing this a year, he's been doing it for 5 years FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 498

You deserved it 260

FML Uncensored

By Anonymous - 15/08/2017 06:00

Spicy

Today, me and my boyfriend had sex but stopped when I felt pain down stairs. That evening he wanted me to go to the emergency room but I wanted to sleep it off. Turned out I needed surgery. One of my fallopian tubes had ripped. The sex was so rough, I got an intravenous hemorrhage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 445

You deserved it 847

By Petridishoflove - 20/01/2009 06:12 - Hong Kong

Today, I put my paint brush into my cup of tea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 533

You deserved it 22 825

By itsalwaysme - 09/11/2017 06:00

Spicy

Today, after recently rekindling an old relationship, I discovered a whole new world when I found his secret Twitter account. Apparently he's now a cross-dressing, submissive, financially dominated "slave" for doms online. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 893

You deserved it 776

By sucksatlove - 25/07/2013 23:20 - United States - Sewell

Today, I finally worked up the courage to start a Facebook chat with a guy I really like. It went so well, and he even agreed to hang out sometime. Seconds after we finished our conversation, he changed his status to: "Desperate bitches really piss me off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 904

You deserved it 7 684

The new economy

By Anonymous - 22/12/2020 19:58 - Germany

Spicy

Today, I have so little faith in my future earning potential that I keep my clipped toe and fingernails as a nest egg. I heard that some weirdos on the internet actually pay money for those. FML

I agree, your life sucks 640

You deserved it 853

By SprinklerDodger - 08/06/2012 23:54 - Denmark - Odense

Today, I was woken up by a noise coming from the bathroom. Upon investigation, I discovered my very drunk, giggling girlfriend attempting to urinate standing up. Carefully note the word "attempting". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 623

You deserved it 2 389

Worst threesome ever

By Anonymous - 06/03/2021 11:02

Spicy

Today, I finally got pulled into a threesome with the girl I've loved for years and another friend. She led the interaction with, "You only get to touch her" then, "I just wish [her ex] was here" and finished with, "OK, it's weird with you here, you can just go." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 049

You deserved it 219

Nobody wins

By Anonymous - 22/04/2021 08:01

Today, I found that the product we shipped and what the salesman billed don't match. It's my job to flag such issues, as they cost the company money. The salesman asked me to shut up and be his accomplice, as it was done to please the client. The sales manager had to agree, but said I was causing trouble. FML

I agree, your life sucks 873

You deserved it 58

By CollegeFreshman - 11/09/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I heard a knock on my door and, thinking it was my student adviser, opened it. I was greeted by a drunk girl, who pushed her way into my dorm room, informed me that she lived here last year, and then told me that she lost her virginity in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 496

You deserved it 3 709

Classy

By 1234 - 11/07/2009 16:41 - Canada

Today, it was my wedding day. I had my butt clenched during the ceremony. I was giving my husband the ring, but dropped it. When I went to retrieve it, I let a huge one rip. My husband yelled, "She likes to eat beans." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 479

You deserved it 10 405

By elle - 19/11/2013 17:31 - United States - Round Lake

Today, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. After telling her everything I'm going through, she looked at me and said "You know... every five years or so I get a case completely beyond my ability to help." I guess it's been five years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 473

You deserved it 3 372

Cooperation

By Anonymous - 24/01/2021 02:02 - Germany - Emden

Today, I share a bathroom with two other people and we divide tasks equally. They take care of making it dirty; I take care of making it clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 716

You deserved it 97

What a cozy moment.

By ratfaced - 12/10/2017 07:00 - United States - Stamford

Today, I woke up to a squeaking noise and the feeling of something furry on my cheek. I smiled, thinking it was my guinea pigs nosing me awake. Then I remembered that my guinea pigs were in their cage on the other side of the room, and opened my eyes to see the biggest rat ever staring right at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 644

You deserved it 358

By frenchienyx - 13/05/2019 00:00

Today, I was in Brooklyn for a meeting. I parked my car but my iPhone didn’t save my location. Where is my car? Called NYPD. No car towed. I had to walk 3 hours in the rain to find it thanks to the “Panic” button. So glad I found my car, but the “Loud Panic” button didn’t want to stop for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 965

You deserved it 1 983

By Anonymous - 21/01/2013 03:45 - United States - Portland

Today, my parents have kept their bet going about not turning the heat on all season. I woke up this morning to it being the same temperature inside as it was outside. It's snowing out there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 473

You deserved it 2 317

By niii - 26/11/2008 04:26 - France

Spicy

Today, as I often do, I had sex in my old car. I'm 25, my boyfriend is 28 and we're still living with our parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 122

You deserved it 13 950

Ah, those were the times…

By Anonymous - 27/12/2013 20:50 - United States - Ely

Today, my 19-year-old brother subjected me to yet another rant about how the writers of My Little Pony aren't writing the show for people like him any more, the "true fans", otherwise known as pimply-faced adults who don't use deodorant and only shower once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 416

You deserved it 4 499

Mess incoming

By Anonymous - 14/10/2019 16:00

Today, my apartment management notified me that my water was going to be shut off all day so they could fix the plumbing. I took a laxative last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 655

You deserved it 149

By Anonymous - 28/04/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, I was at soccer practice. The ground's keeper just aerated the field, and my teammates and I decided to throw the cylindrical clumps of dirt at each other. I got hit in the face with one. It wasn't dirt. It was a clump of wet dog poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 316

You deserved it 13 493

Psycho

By Anonymous - 15/08/2021 20:01

Today, I'd never quite realised how nasty my girlfriend was until she hit a kid on a zebra crossing and was more upset that her bumper was dented than the fact an 8 year-old had a broken leg. She was still blaming the kid and demanding his parents pay the damage as he was being put in the ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 366

You deserved it 167

By NotSoCool - 15/05/2009 04:41 - Singapore

Today, I was pulling my trolley luggage at the airport when I passed 2 cute girls smiling at me. Thinking I looked real cool, I kept on walking without paying heed to anything else. Then my brother shouted asking me what was I doing, only to realise that the handle had come off a few metres back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 462

You deserved it 42 598

By Anonymous - 10/08/2009 20:18 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend and I were arguing over whose boyfriend was better. Just as I was about to convince her, my boyfriend rang. Trying to start the perfect conversation, I put him on speaker phone and answered "Hey Tiger, I was just thinking about you". He broke up with me on speaker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 733

You deserved it 16 275

By Anonymous - 29/04/2014 02:39 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, an old guy phoned the cops on my daughter because she was drawing with chalk on the sidewalk. Apparently, he thinks it's vandalism. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 228

You deserved it 3 827

By Anonymous - 30/08/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, at work, I was walking to the back office, and I didn't know my manager was following me. After I walked through the door, without looking, I reached behind me to close it. Instead of grabbing the door handle, I got a handful of his crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 940

You deserved it 3 860

By malnourishedstudent - 08/06/2016 08:38 - United States - Palm Coast

Today, after months of living on five dollars a day for food in college, I found out my parents bought me an expensive meal plan and forgot to mention it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 450

You deserved it 1 476

By Klepto - 15/11/2009 17:34 - United States

Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to the guy who had the party I was at last night. I immediately realized, however, that my new profile picture is of me, smiling and holding the trophy I stole from his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 282

You deserved it 73 083

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

By Miren - 02/07/2021 22:01

Today, I thought I was suddenly having insulin problems due to my medical conditions. Turns out, every 4 weeks, your ovaries can just decide to make your blood sugar drop, even if you're transitioning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 676

You deserved it 403

By jl_word - 04/02/2015 21:49 - United States

Today, I paid a local homeless man to rake the leaves in my yard. After paying and driving him to the bus stop, I found his shit on my back porch. I need new shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 579

You deserved it 3 820

Happy Feet

By Anonymous - 12/10/2019 00:01

Today, an old lady rear ended my car the light. Her explanation was, "It's a new car, and when I take my foot off the break, it just rolls forward all on its own! I don't know what's wrong with it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 680

You deserved it 92

Yummy

By Anonymous - 08/09/2021 23:01 - Germany - Dresden

Today, after thinking only dogs needed chew-toys, I learned my lesson after my kittens ate my menstrual cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 671

You deserved it 316

By jojolee68 - 28/02/2015 19:53 - United States

Today, I'm stuck in a taxi cab while the driver listens to a radio show about sex fetishes. Can't wait to look him in the eye as I pay him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 834

You deserved it 2 787

By JpL - 25/04/2019 02:00

Today, I asked my Instagram followers out of curiosity who their favourite influencer was. Someone replied, without knowing it doesn’t come up anonymously, “Not you.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 939

You deserved it 2 128

Screwed

By prince232 - 04/05/2016 04:34 - Australia - Sydney

Today, after having a second interview with a club I want to work for, the interviewer ignored my work references. Instead, he told me he was going to call the only manager I never got along with, for reference in a job I left 5 years ago, because he knows her personally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 980

You deserved it 1 145

By Anonymous - 22/11/2012 09:39 - United States

Today, I decided to go meet up with a guy that I met online for the first time. All he could talk about was how he expects me to "clean, cook, and submit" my body for sex at least twice a day when we get married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 565

You deserved it 6 163

White collar crime

By potting shed woman - 27/05/2021 04:01

Today, after I told my boss I'd found a serious error that cost the company thousands each year, I found out he'd fled abroad. Turns out the error was him stealing for the past 40 years, our entire department is under investigation and the owner is considering scrapping our office and firing us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 454

You deserved it 55

Great prank guys, love it

By Anonymous - 15/04/2016 00:12 - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, after working like a caffeine-fuelled thunderstorm for 9 hours straight on an art project, my 2 friends informed me that it was due next week. I slept for 10 hours, and then went to my class without my project, thinking I lucked out in the long run. Clearly not, as it was due today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 110

You deserved it 4 001

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Top comments

lindseyluvszac 4

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Friday 29 July 2011 11:37

Yes, but still, why did you kick him in the first place?

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Friday 29 July 2011 11:36

it's pleasurable!

Comments

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Friday 29 July 2011 11:36

it's pleasurable!

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Friday 29 July 2011 11:41

and you would know this why???? ..

iSitt 0

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Friday 29 July 2011 12:28

because he's a dentist

123Lalala098 10

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Friday 29 July 2011 12:30

well :P the guy must be messed ;P but he must be a freak if he finds getting KICKED pleasurable

mfjkr 10

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Friday 29 July 2011 14:31

or he's a masochist

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Friday 29 July 2011 15:22

Well when a guy gets kicked there hard enough, his teeth feel good

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Friday 29 July 2011 15:32

it's because op "made it rain".... or snow...

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Friday 29 July 2011 16:09

Congratulations you just found the only man in the world with actual balls of steel lol.

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Friday 29 July 2011 16:48

you just kicked chuck norris...and lived

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Friday 29 July 2011 16:59

I've been in that exact same situation a few times except I was the one getting kicked. didn't hurt.

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Friday 29 July 2011 17:00

as long as he didn't get a boner afterwards....

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Friday 29 July 2011 18:09

I read this as licked insted or kicked first lmfao.

OWNZ 0

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Friday 29 July 2011 19:06

I think the real question is, what kind of self-respecting guy kicks people in the nuts? Be a man, duel it out!

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Friday 29 July 2011 20:19

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

ImFrackinBored 13

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Friday 29 July 2011 21:10

Go with him he may give you a cherry Nyquil Popsicle if you help him find his puppy....

itsgen 16

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Saturday 30 July 2011 2:17

little dick!

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Saturday 30 July 2011 4:54

Moments later, the real fml was realized when the man's snow globes suddenly released the snow inside.

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Saturday 30 July 2011 5:13

39 - COME BE A DEENTIST!

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Saturday 30 July 2011 5:57

snowglobes ?????? I dnt get it? Xmas isn't for months ...

sydney_herbach 3

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Saturday 30 July 2011 8:52

just because something is round like balls doesn't make it a good euphemism for balls aka snowglobes

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 2:27

Actually, it's perfect. Granted, balls are shaped more like single nut peanuts, but still. They're roundish and have 'snow' inside them.

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 8:44

IVE GOT BALLZ OF STEEEL.

lindseyluvszac 4

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Friday 29 July 2011 11:37

Yes, but still, why did you kick him in the first place?

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Friday 29 July 2011 11:47

nice expression "snowglobes"

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Friday 29 July 2011 13:06

I giggled when I saw "snowglobes".

SadinSherman 16

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Friday 29 July 2011 17:19

He offended his honor but Op didn't have a dueling glove

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Saturday 30 July 2011 1:05

"love buds" to "snowglobes"

TheChampagneBoi 5

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Saturday 30 July 2011 4:25

Haha snowglobes

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Saturday 30 July 2011 8:44

I have always called em the sperm globes.

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Saturday 30 July 2011 9:13

143- I thought that FML said "love spuds" not "love buds."

genesisnirvana 11

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Friday 29 July 2011 11:37

You should have ran.

Bekll 31

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Friday 29 July 2011 16:41

Run, not ran.

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Friday 29 July 2011 17:48

hey im Corey :) text me at 360-631-9989

genesisnirvana 11

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Friday 29 July 2011 17:58

I'm sorry that my grammar does not appropriate up to your standards.

explodingmuffint 0

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Friday 29 July 2011 17:59

Ran seems correct to me.

anencephalic 14

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Friday 29 July 2011 19:05

Not to me.

ImFrackinBored 13

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Friday 29 July 2011 21:08

How do you smile after something like that O_o

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Friday 29 July 2011 22:33

It's not correct, it should be run.

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Friday 29 July 2011 22:41

Fucking grammar notzis

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Saturday 30 July 2011 0:30

I have to correct this I'm sorry but it's Nazis*

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Saturday 30 July 2011 0:30

I have to correct this I'm sorry but it's Nazis*

Bekll 31

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Saturday 30 July 2011 3:35

106, which is why I corrected it. Like you, many don't know 3rd grade English.

Cereal_Is_Good 5

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Saturday 30 July 2011 5:18

Genesisnirvana, every one of your comments that I've seen have just made yourself seem uneducated.

genesisnirvana 11

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Saturday 30 July 2011 7:44

Thank you for that lovely statement.It's a good thing that I only seem uneducated.Imagine the horror if I actually was uneducated.

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Saturday 30 July 2011 11:38

No worries, cereal's username makes them seem uneducated.

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Sunday 31 July 2011 18:38

He is correct. All FMLs are published several days after they are posted due to the moderation process. Ran is the past tense of run, so thus, ran is the correct verb. See, you learn something new every day.

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Friday 29 July 2011 11:38

Sleep well tonight(:

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Friday 29 July 2011 11:38

are you sure it was a guy? :P

im_bored_tired 12

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Friday 29 July 2011 11:43

if it was, it must have been Justin beiber. if not, it must have still been Justin beiber.

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Friday 29 July 2011 13:25

win

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Friday 29 July 2011 17:12

Dude look like a lady.

taytoc 10

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Friday 29 July 2011 17:27

Aerosmith

EagorLuvsBigFoot 8

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Friday 29 July 2011 17:42

well you must have kicked him In the "smile creepily & ignore pain" acupuncture spot.

Brodeurfan001 0

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 7:15

This is fml is a part Johnny English two haha

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Monday 31 March 2014 11:09

Hehehe sixty nine likes

ArgentumAurum 24

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Wednesday 23 July 2014 5:40

Could have been a eunuch

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Friday 29 July 2011 11:38

third , but why did you kick him in the first place ?

volley4eva1698 0

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Friday 29 July 2011 15:09

you're not third..you're seventh.

jazzybaby179 22

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Friday 29 July 2011 17:34

no shit sherlock

OceanProtection 0

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Friday 29 July 2011 20:05

he's not sherlock either

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Saturday 30 July 2011 10:47

So you met bieber after all.

jazzybaby179 22

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Friday 29 July 2011 11:38

snowglobes

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Friday 29 July 2011 11:48

You're not third :p

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Friday 29 July 2011 17:28

6th dumbass

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Friday 29 July 2011 11:39

lol did it snow?

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Friday 29 July 2011 23:32

#8- lol!!

TheHoboWerewolf 0

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Saturday 30 July 2011 1:46

#8-Did it like a boss!

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Friday 29 July 2011 11:40

Why would you kick another man there? You're just asking for it.

lindseyluvszac 4

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Friday 29 July 2011 11:41

Maybe he secretly enjoyed it?

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Friday 29 July 2011 11:54

some people do find that sexually arousing....

mackop 0

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Friday 29 July 2011 14:26

I don't think it was secretly...

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13

You deserved it 9

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 16

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 102

You deserved it 1 989

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 850

You deserved it 190