Today, my 6-year-old cousin came to my door, demanding canned... - FML

By Stumble - 17/1/2010 04:43 - United States

Today, my 6-year-old cousin came to my door, demanding canned food. I asked him what for, and he said, "Dad said I needed them for a school project." I said all right, and he started raiding my pantry. I was left with only green beans. He stole all my Spaghetti O's. FML

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Whatthefuckaburger

Vultures

Weird kid

By UnluckyReporter - 17/2/2016 06:35 - United States - Lexington

Today, I lost control of my car on a patch of ice and slid off the road, messing up my car. I was working on a news story about bad road conditions. FML

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By unitythemene - 4/7/2019 22:00

Today, I was worried because it's July and I still haven't found a summer job, despite applying to 50 places. It was fine, because I remembered my savings account. I told my parents. Instead of being relieved, they said they're going to take the money from me for being lazy, and using it for my tuition, despite promising to pay for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2013 18:50 - United States - Bessemer

Today, while working at a client's house, I noticed that their sliding calendar was several months off. I fixed it. Later the daughter saw and started crying. Apparently the date was the last one her mother had set it to before she died. FML

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By wjones - 15/12/2009 15:06 - United States

Today, my family and I were decorating the Christmas tree. It seemed a bit unstable, but we decorated it without any problems. Later, while my daughter sat by the tree, it began to fall. Her grandmother stopped the tree from hitting her. I, on the other hand, screamed like a little girl. I'm a 38 year old guy. FML

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By februarymarchapril - 4/2/2015 03:45 - United States - Austin

Today, I shaved for the first time. My mum gave me a razor and I spent about 20 minutes trying to use it. I gave up, yelling, "FUCK IT!" and put it back on the shelf. It fell, and as it hit the floor, a lid fell off. I'd tried to shave with a sheathed razor for 20 minutes. FML

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By what_a_loner - 17/11/2013 22:07 - Canada - Bowmanville

Today, I got into a fight with a lawn chair. It won. FML

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By FunFun in the Sun - 16/3/2016 14:51 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I'm on spring break on a tropical island, visiting family I hadn't seen in years. They invited me out to eat, and won't take no for an answer. All of this would be wonderful, if it weren't for the fact that I've been vomiting to the point of expelling bile and dry heaving for the last two days. FML

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By wardsl195 - 30/12/2016 05:55 - United States - Seaford

Today, a guy came to install a modem in my apartment. He needed to get to the jack behind my TV stand, so I helped him move it. Once the stand was moved, I saw a used condom that was hidden underneath. My cat must have pulled it out of my garbage weeks ago. There's no way the guy didn't see it. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2013 15:49 - Australia

Today, my mother and I saw a stall selling colourful treats at the shopping centre. Some were placed on small dishes, so we thought we'd sample their goods. Turns out that the colourful goodies that we'd bit into were very creative pieces of soap. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2015 05:32 - United States - Alexandria Bay

Today, the small plane I was on almost crashed, all because the pilot's girlfriend figured out mid-flight that he's been cheating on her, causing her to start screaming abuse and furiously beating him. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, while registering at the grocery store, a customer came into my lane with a 100 piece boiled shrimp platter. Feeling hungry, I muttered "nom nom" under my breath. The old man called my supervisor. Apparently I called him a moron. FML

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By hurt - 14/3/2010 00:27 - United States

Today, finally accepting the fact that the love of my life has moved on, I took myself to a movie, alone, on a Saturday night. After buying the last ticket to a sold out movie and trying to find the only open seat in the dark, I sit down... right next to my ex-best friend AND my ex-fiancé. FML

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By Sam_Licker81 - 19/11/2009 16:41 - United States

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

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By SummersEve - 12/2/2010 00:47 - United States

Today, I found out the crappy shampoo I've been borrowing from my girlfriend is actually "feminine wash." FML

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By thenegatives - 9/10/2014 01:12 - United States - Mckeesport

Today, my son was smart enough to hack the school's computers to change his midterm, but isn't smart enough to actually keep his grades up. FML

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By eirbear - 14/9/2018 18:30

Today, someone had explosive diarrhea in my bathroom at work and didn't clean it up. I'm the only female in the office and I have only one toilet with no window or fan, so I have to leave the door open to air it out. It's right beside the canteen. Everyone will think it was me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 11:26 - United States

Today, while out for lunch, a guy approached me and asked for my number. I politely declined. To my dismay, he dropped to his knees, grabbed his head, and started moaning about how nobody ever gives him a chance. I felt the accusing stares. FML

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By MacGrouber - 17/3/2011 00:12 - United States

Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML

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By funkmylife69 - 23/9/2019 06:06

Mr. Smooth

Today, I made out with the guy I've had a huge crush on for the first time. He wrapped his arms around me, and whispered softly into my ear, "I can't wait to bone you." FML

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By walker - 4/10/2009 21:33 - United States

Today, my family and I went on a picnic in the park 45 minutes drive away from our house. I fell asleep beneath a tree. They left me there. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2014 02:34 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I went to the restroom to pee. A loud fart exploded out of my ass and echoed in the toilet bowl. I could practically feel my face on fire when I saw the horrified look on a little girl's face as I walked out. FML

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By anuszopekanus - 14/6/2020 14:02

No money, though

Today, after 3 months of quarantine being totally broke, I was finally glad to get back to work. I found out that they no longer need me because "there's no money" to pay me. As I was leaving, I saw freshly renovated rooms, a huge new plasma, and a crowd of workers busy expanding the summer terrace. FML

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By purple - 29/1/2010 11:22 - France

Today, I went to a camp my friend invited me to, thinking we'd just be roasting marshmallows all day and hanging out outside. Nope. It was a soul searching, "get closer to Jesus" camp. The first five hours were spent repeatedly praying and singing. I'm not a Christian. FML

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By blububble412 - 22/1/2015 03:46 - United States - Sierra Vista

Today, we had a drug search at school. After the search, we went back inside. My bag was open, and my lunch was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2019 22:00

Today, I told my boyfriend about a friend-with-benefits that I had before him, and he dumped me because I’m still friends with that person, and I didn’t tell him about him right away. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2015 15:12 - United States

Today, like every other day at work, I had to listen to people talk about being addicted to sex. I have to treat people for addiction to something I've never even had. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2017 00:30

Today, after 26 years of confusion with my parents pronouncing it different ways, and in my mom's case, multiple ways, having to clear up how it's spelled every time I meet someone, I asked my mom how to pronounce my name. She got mad and then pronounced it three different ways while explaining. FML

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By chao - 22/12/2009 02:47 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what she thought of us getting married some day. She said she wasn't sure about me yet and that we may want to go in different directions soon. We've been dating for three years and I had the ring in my pocket at the moment. FML

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By anonymous - 27/11/2011 00:12 - United States

Today, after spending hours putting up our tree and decorating it, it fell over and shattered the glass ornaments. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2014 16:38 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I had my first job interview after three years of unemployment. I was so happy that I broke down into tears the moment I saw the interviewer. Great first impression. FML

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By Holding - 24/8/2013 05:21 - United States - Staunton

Today, my boyfriend and I are on our way back from vacation. It will be an eight hour drive. It just so happens I got food poisoning the night before we left, and there's roadwork everywhere. We're at a dead halt with no signs of moving. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 23:00

The geyser

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2009 18:48 - United States

Today, I got a missed call from my dad, who hasn't talked to me in months and has vowed not to have anything to do with me. I called him back excitedly and apologized for missing his call, and we had a 20-second conversation about how his phone accidentally dialed my number. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2014 19:23 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I received a $20 gift card to Tim Horton's as a prize, and decided to use it. At the register, I was told that I'd essentially won an empty gift card. FML

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By mrboston - 1/9/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. That would've been awkward. FML

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By Noname - 14/3/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, I came back from a hike to see my trailer rocking, as well as some strange but obvious noises coming from it. I went camping alone. Two strangers were in my camper having sex. FML

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By amandanoelle - 9/10/2016 06:42 - United States - Hot Springs National Park

Today, I realized how stagnant my life has become when, while eating some leftover salad with crackers I'd left out the night before, I decided to open some new crackers and put them with the stale, and giggled to myself about the excitement of "cracker roulette." FML

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By BurnBabyBurn - 22/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Roberta

Today, after stopping to pick up dinner at a fast food joint, I got a nosebleed. I immediately reached into the bag to grab napkins and began stuffing them up my nose, only to find out too late that a mustard packet had burst in the bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2014 14:34 - United States - Wallingford

Today, I was mugged. I saw a cop car in the aftermath and flagged it down. Unfortunately, when the cops stopped the mugger, he said he'd been running away because I tried to mug him. Apparently the fact that he was "well-dressed" and I wasn't means he was telling the truth. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Pasadena

In a zoo

Today, I learned that I am referred to as the girl who has "the ass like Beyoncé, but a face like a gorilla". FML

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Top comments

By FerrariCake | 2

#779399 - Sunday 17 January 2010 10:32

Ummmm... what? You're surprised because a six year old took Spaghetti-O's and left the green beans?

Really?

By waspbr | 4

#779388 - Sunday 17 January 2010 10:29

technically he didn't steal anything since you said it was alright.

Comments

By elrojogrande9 | 0

#779379 - Sunday 17 January 2010 10:22

first

Reply

areveillonen | 4

#779496 - Sunday 17 January 2010 11:33

poor dad

Reply

areveillonen | 4

#779499 - Sunday 17 January 2010 11:35

poor dad

Reply

areveillonen | 4

#779520 - Sunday 17 January 2010 12:12

poor dad

Reply

areveillonen | 4

#779523 - Sunday 17 January 2010 12:14

poor dad

By bibi2223 | 0

#779380 - Sunday 17 January 2010 10:24

poor kid

Reply

Mustardnight | 3

#779430 - Sunday 17 January 2010 10:49

Hmm maybe im looking too far into this but perhaps the father was too embarrassed to ask for food if he couldn't afford it and sent his kid?

Reply

sarcasticbitch | 7

#779570 - Sunday 17 January 2010 12:41

Isn't it the father/mother's responsibility to bring food? Moreover what example does he gives to the child? It's like saying: Sure go and lie. Therefore I don't want to know what will grow up from that kid. Because that shit will be messed up.

Reply

saranottelling | 7

#780664 - Sunday 17 January 2010 23:17

#42 Maybe he didn't lie and told the kid, "You need canned food for school, go ask your cousin for some." Then they ate the food and told the kid they didn't need the cans after all.

Reply

saranottelling | 7

#780671 - Sunday 17 January 2010 23:22

Sorry my past comment was confusing and I couldn't edit it.
I meant maybe the kid didn't lie because his father did... blah blah blah

By redliner10 | 0

#779382 - Sunday 17 January 2010 10:25

Duped by a 6 yr old... for shame.

By fmlloverrct | 0

#779385 - Sunday 17 January 2010 10:27

sneaky kid :)

By waspbr | 4

#779388 - Sunday 17 January 2010 10:29

technically he didn't steal anything since you said it was alright.

Reply

vassal44 | 9

#4396558 - Sunday 6 May 2012 7:20

Technically he still stole. Whether you have permission or not, if you take something that you don't have the legal ownership to, it is stealing.

Reply

brand125 | 17

#5934542 - Sunday 4 May 2014 12:36

#109 doesn't get what having permission means, it seems. you tell someone they can have something, they can have it?

By Trollz0rz | 0

#779394 - Sunday 17 January 2010 10:31

Uh Oh my Spaghetti o's!

By Nic_hole | 0

#779398 - Sunday 17 January 2010 10:32

spaghetti o's are yummy :D

By FerrariCake | 2

#779399 - Sunday 17 January 2010 10:32

Ummmm... what? You're surprised because a six year old took Spaghetti-O's and left the green beans?

Really?

Reply

mickmac | 0

#3377553 - Sunday 2 October 2011 16:53

Exactly what I was thinking. A kids gonna pick what they like to give to other kids in need. What poor kid wants to hear "you're poor so you have to eat green beans and asparagus"?

By Katface | 0

#779401 - Sunday 17 January 2010 10:34

I'm sorry, was this supposed to be an FML?

By Freeze_fml | 16

#779408 - Sunday 17 January 2010 10:35

What? This FML was tragic. Don't diss.