Today, I was buying veggies with my five-year-old. She saw some... - FML

By LittleSprout - 21/3/2017 04:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was buying veggies with my five-year-old. She saw some brussel sprouts and begged me to buy them. I thought there was no way she'd like them, but I do, so I got them. Later, she was sitting on the couch eating them raw like candy. I have a weird kid. FML

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Whatthefuckaburger

Tidy your room

In my day…

By Mary - 16/2/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, like all days, my cat brought something to my doorstep. Usually it's a slew of dead mice; but today he decided to bring this big, ugly snake. I'm always the only one in my family 'brave' enough to go fetch our cat's gift. It took until lifting it up to realize the snake wasn't dead. FML

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By apple - 28/2/2010 18:57 - United States

Today, I had to clean out my room because I was having a sleepover. Only, I've not been in here for months since I've spent every night in my mom's room because I'm too scared to sleep alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 22:20 - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Today, I was struggling to move a large bookshelf downstairs. Mid-way down, the weight became too much for me and I desperately yelled to my dad for help. He stood at the top of the stairs and said, "Cash or broken bones. How much's it worth, son?" I'm now £50 poorer. FML

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By murphslaw - 29/3/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, as I was doing the morning count for the registers, a lady walked by and saw me. She's got Alzheimer's, and thought I was robbing the guy I'd bought the store from, so she called the cops. I spent six hours in jail while they looked into it, and didn't even get an apology. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2019 16:30

Impossible relationship

Today, I had another dinner with the girl that I started dating a few weeks ago. During dinner, we talked about our families. We realized that we're actually cousins. FML

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By lucywatson - 6/5/2016 19:06 - United Kingdom

Today, working as a veterinarian, I received a complaint from a client. He said I sucked at my job, purely because I implied he should have brought his severely ill cat in a lot sooner. Which he should have. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2011 16:09 - United States

Denied!

Today, I got cock-blocked by the laundry. My boyfriend was the one who wanted to do laundry. FML

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By Confused - 27/2/2012 04:58 - United States

Today, while skiing, the creepy guy controlling the chair lift said I was pretty. I was so caught off guard that I fell off. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2014 17:52 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my daughter came home in tears, completely distraught. It took half an hour to convince her to tell me what was wrong. What horrific thing happened to her? One of her friends wore the same outfit as her to the movies, and apparently that's a betrayal of their friendship. FML

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By gotmon3y - 7/4/2009 16:12 - United States

Today, I was at the beach walking on the boardwalk without a shirt on. Two cute girls are walking my way and I decide to try and impress them by flexing my abs. While I flexed them, I accidentally let a fart out that everyone heard. Everybody, including the girls, laughed hysterically at me. FML

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By imarriedanaxemurderer - 18/6/2013 05:01 - United States - Joliet

Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML

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By Something I said? - 5/11/2013 15:26 - United States - Bronx

Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Cat Piss - 15/12/2013 16:58 - United States - Lavon

Today, I was woken up to the sound of my cat peeing on the pillow next to mine. When I yelled at him, he jumped over my face and off the bed. He was still peeing the entire time. FML

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By bzygirl - 26/9/2009 21:23 - United States

Today, was my first day at my new job in a shop. 10 minutes after my first customer leaves I realize she managed to steal $200 worth of merchandise while she had me getting stuff for her from the back room. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 14:00 - Canada

Today, my brother spent the whole day making a harpoon out of an old Tiki torch to bring on vacation with us to Sauble Beach, and he plans on using this contraption. On the beach. With all of us there to watch. He's 17 years-old. FML

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By sandwichsex - 8/8/2009 22:39 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were fooling around on my bed when things started to get heated. I said to him, "Do what ever you want". He got up and said he'd be right back. I thought he went to get a condom. He came back with a sandwich. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2016 11:49 - United Kingdom - Lewes

Today, I found out that licking your very chapped lips while totally zoned out and looking in the general direction of a girl, will end up with you becoming the massive college creeper that everyone avoids. FML

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By Myriam - 18/6/2012 16:05 - Maldives - Male

Today, my husband recorded me getting out of bed and sleepwalking all the way into the backyard and straight into our pool. He was too busy giggling like a schoolgirl to help me out. FML

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By selfesteemloss - 10/8/2013 23:41 - Spain - Barcelona

Today, I was flirting with a cute bartender on my last day in Spain. It was going well until we somehow got onto the topic of how I was recently dumped by my boyfriend of 3 years via Facebook. He spent the next 5 minutes laughing and telling his coworkers how hilarious that was. FML

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By Airplane crap - 21/10/2014 20:13 - United States - Leavenworth

Today, I got stuck on an airplane for a while before takeoff. Someone decided it was a great time to get diarrhea while on the toilet, and we couldn't take off for safety reasons. FML

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By crazyjohnny - 1/6/2009 06:52 - United States

Today, I had a really big debate in my English Class about the legalization of weed. My group had to state reasons why weed shouldn't be legal and no one except me had prepared. My partner came to class totally stoned. Our group lost the debate. We got a F. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2015 20:24 - United States - Knoxville

Today, while giving my final speech, a bump that had been growing on my arm popped. Pus leaked through my white dress sleeve, and it smelled like death. Everyone noticed. FML

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By Unlucky - 16/6/2009 10:49 - Saudi Arabia

Today, my daughter finally walked down the aisle with a man she loves very much. While I was escorting her, I managed to trip and fall down revealing what I've been trying to hide all of this time: my shiny gleaming bald head that showed when my wig fell off. FML

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By anonymous - 2/11/2016 04:18

Today, it was the first day of my new job. It was also the last day of my new job. I got a call immediately after finishing my shift to be told the company has "decided to go in a different direction" and will no longer be needing my services. FML

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By shifala - 22/1/2015 09:02 - Philippines - Caloocan

Today, I was riding my bike to work in a hurry and hit a pothole. I flew off and hit the ground hard. I was badly shaken, but an old lady came over, checked me out and helped me to my feet. After she left the scene, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet while "helping" me. FML

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By wheatsnake - 8/10/2009 13:31 - Australia

Today, I took my new laptop into my house from my car, thinking it would be a too much of a target for kids grabbing it. I came home tonight to find my door kicked in, my laptop gone and my TV ripped from the wall. FML

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By margelover - 11/10/2011 19:06 - Denmark

Today, I woke up after having a wet dream about Marge Simpson. I really need to get laid. FML

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By boreed - 27/12/2011 05:37 - United States

Today, I finally got an unsightly mole on my face removed. While I was shaving. FML

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By Noname - 2/1/2009 03:04 - Canada

Today, my mother was vacuuming my room and found a towel under my bed. She asked "why does it smell so bad?" I replied "sweat". FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 02:49 - United States

Today, after playing on the same basketball team for eight years with the same coach, he kicked me off the team to make room for my younger brother, who I taught to play basketball in the first place. FML

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By Amanda - 10/3/2013 16:08 - Canada

Today, when I got home, my child had three bruises. My babysitter's excuse? "She hit me first". FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2014 19:30 - United States - Traverse City

Today, my wife yelled at me for being a bastard and not caring about her needs. I felt like an asshole and apologized for everything. It took me a few hours to realize I'd basically just apologized for unknowingly hanging the toilet paper the "wrong way" for her OCD. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2010 22:35 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing "we're through fat slob" on my forehead whilst I was asleep in permanent marker. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2014 15:51 - United States - West Newton

Today, I babysat a 10 year old from hell. She kept insulting me, saying I have tiny boobs, that boys must hate me, and that I'm ugly. I eventually got fed up and put her to bed. When her parents came back, she ran out of her room in tears and told them I'd beaten her. They believed it. FML

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By sylverster - 15/3/2011 12:37 - Singapore

Today, I banged into a glass door. My friend laughed at me, so I turned around and gave him the finger, then turned back to continue walking and banged into the door again. FML

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By Mina - 8/5/2019 14:00

Today, my son came home from school with a catastrophic report card. When I asked him for explanations, he replied, "I'm hesitating between family environment and heredity." FML

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By Randomspaghetti - 15/9/2016 21:11 - United States - Lehi

Today, a cute guy complimented me on my legs. I, being the awkward person that I am, panicked and replied, "Thanks, I grew them myself." FML

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By your mother - 13/10/2010 09:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went out for ice cream. We somehow started talking about which of our relatives had died. Right when she was talking about how her grandfather had died, I started laughing. She had gotten ice cream all over her face. She broke up with me. FML

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By awkward. - 29/12/2012 15:50 - United Kingdom - Rickmansworth

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the cinema. Or rather, she went with her other boyfriend, and I happened to see them there. FML

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By JulieClaire - 11/3/2011 01:44

Today, while driving home I saw a few deer running beside me. I stopped to let them go in front. Instead, one face-plants, ramming into the side of my brand new car. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#7427334 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:32

Yikes, sorry your kid likes healthy food, OP! I don't know how some people manage to keep going in this crazy world. I can only hope she's not a fan of flossing and going to bed at a fixed time.

By SchlomoTheGrinch | 17

#7427340 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:47

I can't click either "Your life sucks" nor "You deserved it". It's just funny and cute =)

COMMENTS

By thisisthestupid | 18

#7427321 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:09

Hey! At least they're eating a healthy snack!

By engineerosaurus | 26

#7427324 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:14

Cherish this while it lasts!

By Tripartita | 44

#7427334 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:32

Yikes, sorry your kid likes healthy food, OP! I don't know how some people manage to keep going in this crazy world. I can only hope she's not a fan of flossing and going to bed at a fixed time.

By InfiniteSunshine | 32

#7427339 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:46

You have an awesome kid is what you have! Choosing and enjoying vegetables, instead of stuff like snack food, that's pretty lucky. Seriously, if she's not a picky eater, cherish it, my little sister was a nightmare for eating, still not the greatest even at 13.

By SchlomoTheGrinch | 17

#7427340 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:47

I can't click either "Your life sucks" nor "You deserved it". It's just funny and cute =)

Reply

Maks Lesniewski | 7

#7870037 - Friday 27 December 2019 17:31

There should definitely be a third option, I agree!

By Levvy | 22

#7427353 - Monday 20 March 2017 19:15

Now I'm curious what they taste like raw. I do love them boiled.

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MisstressNicole | 20

#7427368 - Monday 20 March 2017 20:08

sauteed with onions. they taste like raw cabbage. if you've eatten Cole slaw you have an idea.

By Catlover1130 | 14

#7427356 - Monday 20 March 2017 19:26

I think rather than saying FML you should be jumping for joy. Not a lot of kids like veggies. Hell, I'm 26 and I still don't like most veggies. As long as she's happy, then why are you complaining?

By anniemeece | 23

#7427358 - Monday 20 March 2017 19:45

Weird... but, congrats?

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mariri9206 | 32

#7427502 - Tuesday 21 March 2017 6:26

My thoughts exactly. like I'm thinking "be. . . thankful?" lol

By 2simz | 24

#7427363 - Monday 20 March 2017 19:57

My parents would kill for a kid like yours

By Lily_Rain77 | 25

#7427365 - Monday 20 March 2017 20:03

This is my kid. This year at thanksgiving and christmas I had to bribe him, "if you eat all your turkey I'll give you more brussel sprouts." Weird little kids.