Kids: Today, I was buying veggies with my five-year-old. She saw some... - FML

By LittleSprout - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was buying veggies with my five-year-old. She saw some brussel sprouts and begged me to buy them. I thought there was no way she'd like them, but I do, so I got them. Later, she was sitting on the couch eating them raw like candy. I have a weird kid. FML

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Serious times

Kids

Music nerds of the world unite!

By Noname - South Africa

Today, at a strategy session my manager displayed a flow chart of his employees. I wasn't included. Apparently I had been fired and they forgot to tell me. FML

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By Richard - France

Today, there was a new and extremely attractive girl at youth group, so I decided to introduce myself. Her reply was, "Wow, I've always wanted to meet a gay guy!" FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2020 02:01

Thanks for the support

Today, I revealed to my parents that I'm planning on opening a food truck in the next few months. They both laughed in my face and said I'll never make any money. I've been working on this for 3 years. FML

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By Ugh - United Kingdom

Today, my 20-year-old daughter staggered into my room at two in the morning, drunker than I ever thought a person could be, screaming for me to make pancakes for her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on a hike. It had snowed the night before so I wore warm clothes. They didn’t help when I slipped and broke my leg. FML

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By bummer.. - United States

Today, I found out that the man I just married doesn't want to have children. We had this conversation multiple times with no problems before getting married, but now he would "rather die" than have children, because according to him, they would ruin his life. FML

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By JuicyJohn - United States

Today, I realized that the shorts I have been wearing all day say "Juicy" on the ass. My name is John. FML

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By DriveNowhere - Australia

Today, I drove my friends two hours to see a tourist attraction I had been talking up for months. It burnt to the ground last week. FML

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By tannarox - United States

Today, our rodent problem was taken care of. I discovered this when my cat projectile-vomited a soggy, death-scented wad of dark fur and tiny organs onto the couch. FML

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By Sigh - Australia

Today, I went to visit my parents. Dad went on a religious tirade, and Mum got sick of him and pelted a Brazil nut at his head. Dad then lost his shit, and told Mum to go to her room and pray. I now remember why I moved out of home in the first place. FML

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By Robert Herrin

Kinky Crab

Today, I fell asleep with my hermit crab on my bed and woke up to him pinching my nipple. FML

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By um

Today, I told my new boss to wish his daughter a happy birthday on my behalf, as I overheard him saying it was today. Turns out she committed suicide three years ago. FML

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By not_fakingit - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I joked with my boss about calling in sick to work tomorrow with food poisoning to avoid taking the Sunday shift. Tonight, I'm sitting on the toilet bowl in agonizing pain with combination diarrhea and vomiting. My shift starts in 3 hours. FML

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By mikki_arlert - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my mother threatened my psychiatrist with legal action because he told her the organic and herbal "medicine" she swears by don't actually "cure" mental illness like she claims. FML

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By Faaccckkk - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to whimsically serenade me by throwing rocks at my apartment window and singing. He got the wrong window. Another guy answered, and now he thinks I'm cheating on him. FML

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By ktorih137 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was dancing in the passenger seat of my car with my family when a cop pulled us over. He thought I was trying to flag him down for help. I guess I'm not as good of a dancer as I thought. FML

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By Ana

Today, while fighting with a girl I hate, my nose piercing got a little loose and I ended up snorting it in. That same girl had to take me to the hospital for surgery. She told everyone afterwards. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 20:02

Johnny Weissmuller over here

Today, I was walking in the woods with the girl I like when I saw a vine overhanging a small creek. Trying to make her laugh, I took off my shirt and started swinging on the vine like Tarzan. The vine snapped and I fell into the creek. Guess who's missing half the skin on his back? FML

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By PhilDavisDied? - France

Today, after pulling up to my girlfriend's house for dinner with her parents, one of my favorite rock songs begin to play on the radio. After my 3 minutes of air drumming, I look up to see my girlfriend and her parents bouncing with laughter. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a haircut. During dinner, my grandmother complained about it, and said I looked terrible. I've had the exact same haircut for years. FML

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By Ese

Today, my sister took me out shopping for my birthday and had been drinking a Monster the whole day. Halfway back home, I took a sip of it and she screamed, but it was too late. I had drunk the phlegm that she spat into the can earlier. FML

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By ThisGuy775 - United States

Today, my dad asked to borrow some money off me, so I said okay. Later on, he told me he'll be using it to help divorce my mom. I pretty much just helped pay for my parents' divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss called me to say that I've been slow at work this week and that I will be replaced if I don't pick up the pace. That would be understandable, if I didn't have a broken ankle and pneumonia. FML

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By Trey Deluna - United States

Today, my mother asked me to drill a hole in one of the studs in her ceiling. Finding it a little odd, I asked her about it. It turns out she's installing the sex swing her boyfriend bought her, and I got to help. FML

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By ww2freak - United States - Centreville

Today, I found out that if you whistle Christmas carols while shitting in a public bathroom, a little boy might just look under the stall to see if Santa is pooping. FML

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By brown and sticky - United States - Baltimore

Food poisoning

Today, I got food poisoning. After leaving class 4 times to poop, I sharted in the school bus on the ride home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silver Spring

Today, at daycare, a little girl cussed me out because I didn't have any apple juice left. When I called her parents, they sided with her and cussed me out too. My boss refused to sympathize, and reprimanded me for not making sure we still had apple juice. FML

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By Earths_Venus - Australia

Today, I sat for 3 hours at my boyfriend's Christmas celebrations. He has 22 cousins. They open presents one at a time. In silence. I got nothing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Trenton

Today, I told my girlfriend I wanted to tell her something important. Coincidentally, she did too. She wanted to tell me that she thinks she's actually gay. I wanted to tell her I love her. FML

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By maggieyokoi

Today, I had to explain to my little brother yet again that no, socks don't count as toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, a woman fainted, and an extremely attractive cop came in to help. I ended up running into him an hour later. Seeing as though I'm not very shy or a nervous person, I struck up a conversation with him, thinking it must be fate. I ended up fumbling my words so much he asked if I was drunk. FML

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By toomuchlove - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I like it when he moans while we're having sex. Unfortunately, he interpreted that as "milk it". The sound is so obnoxious, it's starting to ruin the sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went downtown to pay my speeding ticket. After standing in line and arguing with a rude woman behind the desk, I get back to my car only to find an expired meter and a parking ticket. I got a ticket while paying my ticket. FML

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By needofmoney - United States

Today, I finally told my dad that he owes me over 400 dollars, and that I need it or else I'd get kicked out of my apartment. He only gave me 70 and said to get a better job. FML

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By Aaron Lewis - United States - Topeka

Today, I bumped into a man on the street. I apologized and he picked up his wallet. To clear the awkward silence, I pointed out that his wallet looked like mine. It wasn't until I was on the next street that I realized it was my wallet. FML

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By jlee0000785 - Australia

Today, the guy I have been seeing left town to visit his family for three weeks. A few hours later, he called me from the airport to say he is never coming back. FML

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By moutz - Australia

Today, I met with an important client to talk about his stake in the company. The guy was at least 80 years old. After taking care of business we spoke about my final year at the company. As he got up to leave he said "Good luck in your final year". Without thinking, I replied "You too". FML

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By PlayTag - United States

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML

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By whathehell - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking through a rough part of town, when a woman screamed that I'd stolen her bag. I was tackled to the ground by a large guy, who then gave my bag to her. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 08:08

Public speaking is terrifying

Today, in an attempt to face my phobia of public speaking, I accepted an offer to read to a group of elementary school students. It went well, until I reached a rather funny part in the book and completely lost my composure with uncontrollable laughter. I don't think I'll be asked to come back. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#7427334 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:32

Yikes, sorry your kid likes healthy food, OP! I don't know how some people manage to keep going in this crazy world. I can only hope she's not a fan of flossing and going to bed at a fixed time.

By SchlomoTheGrinch | 17

#7427340 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:47

I can't click either "Your life sucks" nor "You deserved it". It's just funny and cute =)

COMMENTS

By thisisthestupid | 18

#7427321 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:09

Hey! At least they're eating a healthy snack!

By engineerosaurus | 26

#7427324 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:14

Cherish this while it lasts!

By Tripartita | 44

#7427334 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:32

Yikes, sorry your kid likes healthy food, OP! I don't know how some people manage to keep going in this crazy world. I can only hope she's not a fan of flossing and going to bed at a fixed time.

By InfiniteSunshine | 32

#7427339 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:46

You have an awesome kid is what you have! Choosing and enjoying vegetables, instead of stuff like snack food, that's pretty lucky. Seriously, if she's not a picky eater, cherish it, my little sister was a nightmare for eating, still not the greatest even at 13.

By SchlomoTheGrinch | 17

#7427340 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:47

I can't click either "Your life sucks" nor "You deserved it". It's just funny and cute =)

Reply

Maks Lesniewski | 7

#7870037 - Friday 27 December 2019 17:31

There should definitely be a third option, I agree!

By Levvy | 22

#7427353 - Monday 20 March 2017 19:15

Now I'm curious what they taste like raw. I do love them boiled.

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MisstressNicole | 20

#7427368 - Monday 20 March 2017 20:08

sauteed with onions. they taste like raw cabbage. if you've eatten Cole slaw you have an idea.

By Catlover1130 | 14

#7427356 - Monday 20 March 2017 19:26

I think rather than saying FML you should be jumping for joy. Not a lot of kids like veggies. Hell, I'm 26 and I still don't like most veggies. As long as she's happy, then why are you complaining?

By anniemeece | 23

#7427358 - Monday 20 March 2017 19:45

Weird... but, congrats?

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mariri9206 | 32

#7427502 - Tuesday 21 March 2017 6:26

My thoughts exactly. like I'm thinking "be. . . thankful?" lol

By 2simz | 24

#7427363 - Monday 20 March 2017 19:57

My parents would kill for a kid like yours

By Lily_Rain77 | 25

#7427365 - Monday 20 March 2017 20:03

This is my kid. This year at thanksgiving and christmas I had to bribe him, "if you eat all your turkey I'll give you more brussel sprouts." Weird little kids.