Kids: Today, I was buying veggies with my five-year-old. She saw some... - FML

By LittleSprout - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was buying veggies with my five-year-old. She saw some brussel sprouts and begged me to buy them. I thought there was no way she'd like them, but I do, so I got them. Later, she was sitting on the couch eating them raw like candy. I have a weird kid. FML

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Mother of the year

Triage

Walk on the wild side

By SMRT - Canada

Vote of confidence

Today, I finished my position paper for my social studies class and read it to my mom to get her opinion on it. After I'm done reading it, she asks me if I copied it from somewhere because it sounded very professional and smart, and it didn't sound like me. FML

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By scorned ex

Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me an email that read, "How to lose 25lbs". I was eating a large slice of pie when I opened the email. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Falls Church

Today, my mother has issued a 'Christmas Ultimatum'. The rest of us have exactly 2 days to "get some Christmas around here" or we will feel her wrath. FML

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By andrie09 - United States

Today, my mom told me I was a bad daughter because I didn't get anything for my parents' anniversary. I just sent my brother a check for $400 for my share of their gift. FML

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By kirassi919 - United States - North Wales

Today, I decided to help my parents out by tearing down the old, rusty swing set that's been in our backyard for years. Little did I know that there was a beehive hidden in the long grass, and I now have dozens of painful red bumps all over me. FML

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By Chops - United States

Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

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By j0natron - United States

Today, I was taking the elevator down with a group of people. It stopped on the 2nd floor and I said "What asshole can't take the steps from the 2nd floor?" Then a kid in a wheelchair got on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I washed my face and grabbed the towel to dry it, I felt something moving down my forehead, thinking it was a drop of water. Upon looking in the mirror, I found it hadn't been a drop of water. Unless the water drop had legs and was gooey. FML

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By louise. - Australia

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he chose me out of all the hotter girls out there. He told me it's because I have great birthing hips. Apparently I'm having six children. FML

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By kenabrookee - United States - Northridge

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. We got on the subject of theatre, and his dad brought up "The Book of Mormon", how finally someone was making fun of those "nasty, polygamist, cultist freaks", and if his son ever dated one, he would disown him. I'm Mormon. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. After she left, they told me they disapprove of her because of her supposedly lower social class. Now I have to either dump her or lose the money they set aside to pay for my university tuition. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, a homeless woman called me trash, threw her coffee at me, and told me to get a job. I do have a job. It's homeless outreach. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brighton

Today, I walked in on my brother masturbating. In the living room. For the second time. FML

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By thosedamnkids - United States

Today, I was working at Staples and organizing some notebooks. All of a sudden, I jumped up because of a sharp pain in my back. A little girl had grabbed a stapler and stapled my back. FML

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By ItGirl - Sweden - Eskilstuna

Today, my dad got so drunk that he forgot my name. He started calling me "It". FML

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By Pepsi - 6/9/2020 14:02 - United States

Social reform, please

Today, I saw my grandfather kick my dog, who is a 6-pound chihuahua, across the room. When I confronted him about it, he screamed at me for having "too much sex during the apocalypse" and "invading my brain with your pancakes." This man is my legal guardian for 3 more years. FML

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By Marco

Today, the bank I use lost 5 billion. FML

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By River - United States

Today, a stoplight turned yellow as I was approaching it. I was about to go through but saw a cop, panicked, and slammed on the brakes. I ended up in the middle of the intersection and had to reverse. Soon the light turned green, and I stepped on the gas. My car was still in reverse. FML

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By Lavalise - France

Today, on the subway, a woman got off without her suitcase. I grabbed the case, chased her onto the platform, and shouted, "You forgot your suitcase!" while the doors closed behind me. In actual fact, it wasn't her suitcase, and its actual owner was still on the train. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I realised being the only female engineering student sucks. I have exactly one friend, because everyone else is too busy staring at my boobs to have a conversation. FML

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By hannah12345 - France

Today, my mother walked in on my boyfriend licking whipped cream off my nipples. FML

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By ThatHurts - Canada

Today, I have two black eyes. The first one I got from the girl whose ass I mistakenly grabbed at a party last night. The other one I got from my girlfriend when I explained the first one. FML

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By Unluggee - United Kingdom

Today, at a party, my three friends and I thought it would be fun to urinate in a jug. We dislike the neighbours, so decided to throw the contents of the jug over the fence into their garden. It hit a tree and splashed back. I ended up covered in our piss. FML

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By Prometheus - United States

Today, a co-worker and I walked out of our office at the same time. He got in his car, which was parked right out front. I asked him what I had to do to get a sweet parking spot like that. He rolled up his pant leg and show me his prosthesis. He was in the handicapped spot. FML

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By craigtm029429 - United States

Today, while waiting tables, I watched a woman pull the bacon off her roast beef melt and eat it. She then called me over and spent several minutes complaining about the our chefs' inadequacy because they didn't put bacon on her sandwich. FML

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By solomantis - Norway

Today, I was trying to wiggle my boxer shorts off to get it on with my girlfriend when my knee hooked on the elastic band. I was anxious to get started, so I used force and ended up kneeing my girlfriend in the crotch. FML

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By Olorin - Germany

Today, I woke up soaked in water. It seems at some point in the middle of the night, I woke up thirsty and opened the water bottle I keep on my nightstand. I managed to drink a little, but it seems I didn't manage to put the cap back on before losing consciousness again. FML

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By JessicaandGhazi - 26/5/2020 20:00

Expanding universe

Today, I told my BFF that I went to the store to buy medium shirts because I had gained some weight during coronavirus. He asked me, "What's the point in doing that when you're getting so fat, those wont even fit in 2 weeks?" FML

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By squishy - United States

Today, my 4-year-old niece told me she likes it when I'm around because I'm "squishy and smell like fried chicken all the time." FML

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By mvgirl - United States

Today, while sitting with my son, an ice cream cone landed on my head from out of no where. I look up to see three children on the balcony above us yelling, "Look we hit the fat lady!" They ran away laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 05:01

Tasty

Today, despite having the choice of several bowls of clean water in the house, as well as puddles and ponds outside, my cat was drinking out of a pot I was soaking in the sink. She doesn’t seem to mind the taste of dish soap. FML

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By doggie_doo_face - United States

Snow day

Today, my dog accidentally crapped on her leash. When I flicked the leash to get the poo off, it went flying. Have you ever had warm poo hit you in the face on a cold day when there's 6 inches of snow on the ground? I have. FML

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By Sleepless in Juneau - United States - Fairbanks

Today, my housemate's cat began meowing at 2:15am. After about 10 minutes of continuous caterwauling, it finally shut up. Almost immediately afterwards, a car with thumping bass music pulled up to idle in the street right outside my window. FML

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By thisistypical - United States

Today, I found out that the money my husband said he loaned to his "mother" actually went to the purchase of new lingerie for the woman he's cheating on me with. I just got the bill from the department store. FML

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By u wot? - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, I found out someone, most likely my psycho ex, has been posing as me on local interest websites, trolling a load of people, and giving them my address so they can come fight me. I found this out when a gentleman showed up at my house wanting to beat me shitless. FML

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By dinkley7 - 20/3/2021 21:30

USA! FUCK YEAH!

Today, at work, I had to tell someone to put out a cigarette. He yelled at me saying it’s a free country. I work at a gas station. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while browsing through Walmart, I slipped on a piece of clothing and fell backwards into an obese lady’s butt. When I landed, she farted. FML

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By Stixchop - United States

Today, I went to go get a haircut and I asked how much it was for a haircut, shampoo, and a blow job. I meant to say blow dry. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, at the supermarket, I ignored the "Riding on trolleys down the ramp is strictly prohibited" sign. While going full speed down the ramp, my trolley with $200 worth of groceries in it tipped and crashed. Luckily, I broke its fall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting on the bus when a good looking girl accidentally brushed her ass up against my shoulder as she walked past. This only made me realize that this has been the closest I've come to touching a girls ass in over a year. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#7427334 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:32

Yikes, sorry your kid likes healthy food, OP! I don't know how some people manage to keep going in this crazy world. I can only hope she's not a fan of flossing and going to bed at a fixed time.

By SchlomoTheGrinch | 17

#7427340 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:47

I can't click either "Your life sucks" nor "You deserved it". It's just funny and cute =)

COMMENTS

By thisisthestupid | 18

#7427321 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:09

Hey! At least they're eating a healthy snack!

By engineerosaurus | 26

#7427324 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:14

Cherish this while it lasts!

By Tripartita | 44

#7427334 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:32

Yikes, sorry your kid likes healthy food, OP! I don't know how some people manage to keep going in this crazy world. I can only hope she's not a fan of flossing and going to bed at a fixed time.

By InfiniteSunshine | 32

#7427339 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:46

You have an awesome kid is what you have! Choosing and enjoying vegetables, instead of stuff like snack food, that's pretty lucky. Seriously, if she's not a picky eater, cherish it, my little sister was a nightmare for eating, still not the greatest even at 13.

By SchlomoTheGrinch | 17

#7427340 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:47

I can't click either "Your life sucks" nor "You deserved it". It's just funny and cute =)

Reply

Maks Lesniewski | 7

#7870037 - Friday 27 December 2019 17:31

There should definitely be a third option, I agree!

By Levvy | 22

#7427353 - Monday 20 March 2017 19:15

Now I'm curious what they taste like raw. I do love them boiled.

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MisstressNicole | 20

#7427368 - Monday 20 March 2017 20:08

sauteed with onions. they taste like raw cabbage. if you've eatten Cole slaw you have an idea.

By Catlover1130 | 14

#7427356 - Monday 20 March 2017 19:26

I think rather than saying FML you should be jumping for joy. Not a lot of kids like veggies. Hell, I'm 26 and I still don't like most veggies. As long as she's happy, then why are you complaining?

By anniemeece | 23

#7427358 - Monday 20 March 2017 19:45

Weird... but, congrats?

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mariri9206 | 32

#7427502 - Tuesday 21 March 2017 6:26

My thoughts exactly. like I'm thinking "be. . . thankful?" lol

By 2simz | 25

#7427363 - Monday 20 March 2017 19:57

My parents would kill for a kid like yours

By Lily_Rain77 | 25

#7427365 - Monday 20 March 2017 20:03

This is my kid. This year at thanksgiving and christmas I had to bribe him, "if you eat all your turkey I'll give you more brussel sprouts." Weird little kids.