Animals: Today, I was visiting a national park and went for a swim. Afterwards,... - FML

By FishStampede - Korea Republic of

Today, I was visiting a national park and went for a swim. Afterwards, I needed to change clothes but the bathrooms were closed. I went off into the woods to change. As soon as I was naked, I heard hooves and sixteen people on horseback rode by. I'd stripped by a horse trail. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Cloth ears

Dad of the year

By Ashe - Australia - Carrum

Today, I was admitted to hospital for suspected kidney failure. I called my best friend to let her know I couldn't make it to her birthday party tonight. She seemed to be infinitely more upset that I wouldn't be able to give her a birthday present. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Rollin'

Today, I was driving home when a guy crashes into me from behind. I get out of my car and tell him that I'm going to call the cops. He then asks me if we can move to a corner because we're blocking the way, so then get back in to move. I look in the mirror to see him driving off. FML

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By lifeofamusicteacher - Hong Kong

Today, I got yelled at by parents of one of my students because their child didn't perform well at their Winter Concert. These are the same parents who told me months ago that I needed to be more lenient by allowing their kids to skip rehearsals. FML

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By fatty - Germany

Today, I met my cousin after two years. She got really tall and skinny, like a model. I joked saying, "You've grown and gotten slim, and I've stayed the same and have gotten fat." I expected some sort of disagreement. Instead, she looked me up and down, frowned, and gave me a long, sympathetic hug. FML

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By PrincessOhNo - United States - Bronx

Today, I dyed my hair back to pastel pink, which it hasn't been in over a year. It goes well with my skin and I was super excited about it so I decided to Snapchat my friend about it. Her response? "You were thinner last time your hair looked like that." FML

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By lovehaterelationship - Austria - Graz

Today, I had to study for an important test but I could barely focus because my roommate had his music blasting at full volume. Since we get along well, I decided to put up with it. I just found out he forgot to turn it off and left over 6 hours ago. FML

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By :( - United States - Pearland

Today, I got my dad to fill in a questionnaire my teacher handed out on Friday. One question said "I would like to see my son/daughter ______." My dad wrote in the blank: "less often." FML

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By jamalinho - Bangladesh

Today, I worked 12 long hours cooped up in my office. Before leaving, my boss asked me whether I'll ever take my job seriously. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, I had to pull one of those toy stretchy hands out of my dog's butthole. It slapped me in the face when I finally got it out. FML

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By biker2012 - United States

Today, there was a parents bike race on the track at my high school for a fundraiser. My dad entered, and ended up winning. He did his victory dance with a massive erection showing through his spandex. Just about all of my friends, teachers, other parents, and the hot soccer team saw. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working as a carhop at Sonic, my roller skates ran over some gravel and I fell, causing me to drop a tray of food. I found out later that one of the customers had deliberately done that to see if I would trip. FML

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By mama bear

Call the Midwife-slash-Locksmith

Today, my one-year-old son locked me out of the house. I had no spare key and both him and my 4-month-old decided that was the perfect time to scream bloody murder. FML

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By ScaryOldMan - United States

Today, while trying to sleep, I kept hearing this groan/scream for help for about an hour. I decided to call 911 to send someone to investigate. Police came, I received a $100 parking fine and another citation for improper use of 911. The noise? Just a dog howling. FML

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By tay - Canada - Erin

Today, it was my first day closing alone at a pet store when a lady came in wanting to return a bird she bought months ago. Once I informed her there were no returns on livestock, she let the bird free and ran out the door, leaving me to catch it and explain to my manager where it came from. FML

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By keyless - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, late for work, I called my dad to see if he knew where my keys were. Turns out he'd taken them on holiday with him because they have a bottle opener on them. FML

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By tgpgs

Today, at work, I spent half an hour on the phone with a customer. At the end of the conversation, as he was putting down the phone, I heard him say 'God, he was a miserable git'. I'm a 28 year old woman. FML

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By student414 - Canada

Today, I went to my first class of the semester. After an hour of intense note writing, I realized I was in the wrong class. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, in the middle of having sex, my boyfriend of two years got a call. After taking the call, he said, "It's an emergency," and that he has to go. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me is wife is going into labour. FML

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By bloated - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I felt so self-conscious about my gut, I pushed it out and pretended I was pregnant rather than sucking it in. FML

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By M_Kclift1994 - United States

Today, I fell asleep after finishing my exam. I had a dream I was falling and woke up smashing my face on the desk. Everyone laughed. FML

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By too slow - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend we should start seeing other people. She said "Don't worry, I'm already way ahead of you." FML

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By geli

Today, while at the public swimming pool, I gave my 2-year-old daughter a piggy back ride in the pool. We were having fun until I realized she had untied my swim top. FML

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By ewicsmelly - United States

Today, I kept finding ants crawling all over my face. After a while, I realized that they were all coming from my beard. I have had a population of ants living in my beard. FML

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By nerdlette - United States - Newport News

Today, I was feeling really down and insecure after a friend joked about how small my boobs are. When my grandma got me to tell her what happened, she reassured me that all the girls in our family were late bloomers. I said "Really?" and she replied, "Oh no dear. Quite the opposite." FML

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By crimsoncon

Today, my dog nearly died when my mom fed him chocolate. After finding out dogs are not supposed to eat chocolate, she promptly grounded me for not telling her. FML

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By christacat - United States - Delaware

Today, I have a speech impediment that's recently become more noticeable. My entire family has decided that the best way to go about handling it is to mock me whenever I try to say something. FML

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By gman

Today, I've been seeing this girl for three months. After asking her if she'd like to go out to eat with me, I realized that she never called me by my name, just "hey you". While we were out, I wondered what she had me saved as, so I texted her when she got up to use the restroom. It was "free food". FML

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By blah - 2/6/2020 23:00

Exercise One

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend, he started humping my leg and said, "I'm gonna hump the fatness out of you and make you beautiful." FML

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By greatly disturbed - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my little sister complained about a young boy in her class always pulling her hair. She asked when boys will stop doing it. My mom replied, "They won't, even when they're grown-ups," then looked over at my dad and shared a dirty smirk. FML

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By feeling dusty

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex for the first time in months. We wanted to spice things up by using chocolate sauce during a blowjob, but the chocolate glued his foreskin to his penis and he cried. Safe to say the dry spell continues. FML

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By trippiex

Today, I was driving by the carnival and I really had to use the bathroom. I saw a porta-potty next to a house, so I parked in their front yard to use the bathroom very quickly. I came out to see a group of teenage boys urinating on my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, out of my bedroom window, I can see my next door neighbour's window. On his ledge, I can see binoculars, tissues and vaseline. FML

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By mike h - United States - Mcadoo

Today, I started my dream job of being a veterinarian. My first day consisted of having to put down 12 dogs and 5 cats. FML

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By sadgirl - United States - Edmond

Today, I brought my boyfriend home to meet my family. The first thing my mom said to him was, “Oh, you can do so much better. Like a paint huffer or a crack whore.” She was serious, and my entire family nodded in agreement. FML

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By reckless182 - United States

Today, I had to tell my 10 year old son that me and his father are getting a divorce. His reply? "Yes! I call living with dad!" FML

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By cheaters_should_die - United States

Today, I looked at my house in Google Street View for the first time and noticed an unfamiliar vehicle in the driveway. When I asked my wife about it, she admitted to have an ongoing affair. Apparently the entire world knew my wife was having an affair before I did. FML

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By sandysmith - United States

Today, my boyfriend was at my house to hang out. When he was leaving I thought it would be cute to run and jump on him to say goodbye. He fell and hit his head. He is now in the hospital with a concussion. FML

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By h

Today, while at a restaurant, my three year old daughter pointed at an African-American girl and yelled out “She’s ugly because she’s black!” Me and my wife got dirty looks for the entire rest of our meal. We have no idea where she learned that. FML

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By sickpuppy

Geometry

Today, I learned the hard way that when sick, throw up, then have diarrhea. Not the other way round. FML

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By Cherub - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day. It was meant to be perfect. The bouquet, along with a high pollen count, set my hay fever off. I walked down the aisle in front of 200 people with streaming eyes and a runny nose; I then had a sneezing fit during my vows and blew a large snot bubble. Real attractive. FML

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Top comments

By MaddieMonster | 0

#203397 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:17

Hey, I'm an American too. I thoughtfully admit we are pretty damn stupid sometimes.

By loveyababe | 0

#203375 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:07

smooth! hahahaha at least they breezed by quickly.

COMMENTS

By loveyababe | 0

#203375 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:07

smooth! hahahaha at least they breezed by quickly.

Reply

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv | 2

#933250 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 22:14

Yet you had time to count the exact number of people.... weird

Reply

foseberry3 | 0

#1042013 - Friday 25 June 2010 0:50

ew korean bewbs!

By realggirl | 0

#203378 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:08

LOL, your life is fucked!

Reply

Mike1992 | 0

#1302447 - Thursday 26 August 2010 8:41

I wouldn't say fucked. random people saw the them naked not a big deal.

By Compwiz1993 | 0

#203382 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:09

hope there weren't any kids there...

Reply

littlemisshottie_fml | 0

#979504 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 22:25

Damn I should've riden my horse :D

By MaddieMonster | 0

#203388 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:12

"and on your right is some naked American..." "Today, I was horseback riding on a national park trail, when all of a sudden i looked over and saw a stripping guy/girl. FML"

Reply

MysteryJoker | 5

#752459 - Sunday 3 January 2010 10:34

And to your left, we have a European that believes the Korea Republic of Seoul is located in America.

Reply

kasumii | 1

#2145429 - Thursday 3 March 2011 14:17

Korea Republic of Seoul? WTF.

Reply

Asstonia | 1

#2454649 - Wednesday 4 May 2011 0:47

you clearly don't know much about Korea either bro.

Reply

paintedchocolate | 30

#5327138 - Wednesday 16 January 2013 20:54

An American making fun of the Europeans' knowledge of geography?

B- b- but that's wrong! That's not the natural order of things!!!

By onigiriqueen | 0

#203391 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:14

God hates you, #4.

I suppose you couldn't have known it was a horse trail, so FYL. Good luck with that.

By sn1992 | 0

#203392 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:15

bahahaha you deserved that one....how could you not tell it was a HORSE trail?

By MaddieMonster | 0

#203397 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:17

Hey, I'm an American too. I thoughtfully admit we are pretty damn stupid sometimes.

By boatiebanter | 0

#203406 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:23

Did you not have a towel you could wrap around you and change under?

By I2OI3 | 0

#203413 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:29

Was it a cold morning? That could have bad - shrinkage etc. Did you ever see that episode of Seinfeld?

By buu700 | 3

#203429 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:38

#7, believe it or not, stupidity is hardly the exclusive domain of Yanks.

Reply

chelzy | 0

#1041939 - Thursday 24 June 2010 22:53

yer right. it's for yanks and people who call us yanks. get out of the past Brit. btw, I clicked ydi so It sed way to show em!